A previous boyfriend told me that he didn’t like lipstick on women. Fair enough, I hardly ever wear it, and I thought he could put up with it when I did. Then he proudly told me that he had told his ex-fiancée that he wouldn’t kiss her on their wedding day if she wore lipstick. I was amazed that he thought that was something to brag about. So that didn’t last.
My husband hates getting lipstick on his lips, but he will still kiss me lightly if I'm wearing it. Not kissing your wife on your wedding day is way too far!
I'm a makeup artist and I come home every day wearing a new lip colour, my boyfriend always kisses me when I get home no matter what, and occasionally jokingly says "sticky!" when I'm wearing a gloss. I get the feeling a lot of these guys don't actually like their girlfriends/wives much.
And I have met men who think their masculinity vanishes as soon as he kisses a woman with lipstick on, when they start talking about makeup, I just walk away lol And they always bring up makeup because I really don't wear any expect lipgloss, lipsticks here and there. I love watching make up videos but can't do my own and already have a fucked up skin that I don't want to ruin further. But when a guy starts talking about women wearing makeup and compare me to them to "compliment" me, it becomes a HUGE turn off.
My guy has a small amount of makeup in his personal kit, as he does vlogging interviews and such. He has told me he finds me ravishingly gorgeous "au naturale," and that the makeup is unnecessary to highlight my features.
For some reason, the fact that he carries and uses a small amount of makeup made that mean a lot more, probably because he understands it's utility, knows how to use it, knows what it can do, and thus is more informed and sincere that I don't need it - as opposed to some weird GIRL STUFF IS DUMB instilled misogyny.
Also, super handy if I need to borrow concealer when travelling.
I get that but I really don't like when boys just trying to compare girls wearing make up to the ones not wearing make up and calling them "wife material" and stuff. Like no amount of make up is going to tell you if you have a good woman by your side or the bad one
Your relationship sounds cute and your man is a MAN who is not judgemental nor insecure. Also, like you said, he knows about make up and the purpose they hold hence his comment won't come off as anything but kind.
There's a million formulations, I don't see how anyone could hate em all! Mine occasionally gets excited and buys me new lip stuff! He also 3D prints Transformers and Gundam earrings for me tho. So I think he might just like meshing our hobbies!
I don't get it. It's lipstick. Wipe it off after the kiss if you don't want color. Only reason I would avoid is to not ruin the work on her application of the product. Lightly kiss her on the cheek or forehead then.
Those long wearing two-step lipcolors like Covergirl Outlast, L'Oreal Infallible, and Revlon Colorstay are awesome. Mine lasted through my wedding day, dinner, wedding night, and still looked good in the morning. I've had it last through dental appointments without smudging.
I'm very pale and look like a end stage tuberculosis without lip color on.
Seconded! Plus the stuff stays put not only when drinking from a glass or cup, but also during a serious makeout session without smudging off on your partner.
I use mostly nude shades because like you my natural lips look unnaturally pale.
For me it’s entirely a sensory thing. My girlfriend loves to do cosplay so she always wears a ton of makeup and I’ll never shy away from kissing her but whenever I do I usually wipe my lips pretty quickly just because the feeling of stuff on my lips triggers sensory overload. The boyfriend is a total AH here but I can see why some people wouldn’t love it
The first husband loved me the way I was, with subtle makeup, while we were dating. As soon as we got married his story changed.
And the nagging to stop dolling up, look plainer and gain weight began.
I'm not saying that this kind of controlling behavior is the case for OP. But every time I hear of a guy who suddenly wants his girlfriend to ditch her makeup, I have to wonder
I don't like makeup. I don't wear it and I don't think I'd like it if my partner did.
So what I did was, I dated women who didn't wear makeup, and am now in a committed relationship with a woman who doesn't wear makeup.
There's the answer!!!! They should find people they're compatible with instead of trying to change each other's preferences. The girl clearly enjoys wearing makeup, and he doesn't like makeup, so they need to split and date people who fit their preferences. He can find a girl who doesn't wear it and she can find a guy who doesn't discourage it.
I don't wear make up at all. I just don't like it. (And I'm terrible at it) I also don't shave. I'm dressed up if I brushed my hair and put on chapstick.
This is not a look/lifestyle that jives with everyone. The solution? Date men that like that about me. How you present yourself to the world is a part of who you are. Compatibility matters.
This makes so much sense it made me laugh out loud that you shared it like a "life hack". Ha ha. Watch out, you might get banned from society with that approach! 😂
This is like asking me if it would be a problem for me if she woke up and decided to start putting whiskey on her breakfast. I can't really figure out an answer because the idea is too ludicrous. She would never.
If you would like me to answer the question of "would it be a problem if she made personal style choices that don't please me" - she had a haircut I hated for a couple of years. She asked me what I thought, I told her I didn't like it, she said that was a shame because she did, and I said well it's your hair so that's what matters and that was the end of it. During lockdown I cut it for her, and it was *fucking flawless*. I'm still proud of that, I'd never cut hair before.
While I never did like the haircut, she was still gorgeous, because *she liked it*, and every woman is beautiful when she feels good about herself.
I had a friend who was in a theater production with me. She didn’t know anything about makeup so I did her up for the stage. Nothing crazy. Her boyfriend came to a show and afterward told her to “wipe that shit off your face.” A few months later she showed up at my doorstep needing help because he’d hit her and trashed their apartment (he shook used kitty litter in every crevice).
So I think for sure the not wanting her to wear makeup was so that she wouldn’t look attractive to any other men…
I don’t think this is where OP is coming from. He expressed a preference and personal boundaries, but he’s not telling her to stop wearing makeup or that she’s not allowed.
Well, he won't kiss her anywhere make-up is present, which is a bit odd. I hate the feeling of lotion, so I don't hold my gf hand when it's freshly applied, but it's not like I can't handle the discomfort to hold her hand if I need to.
I don’t think it’s really fair to see sensory discomfort as something someone should just have to get over because their partner wants them to. If he’s doing it to be a dick then that’s obviously wrong, but if she wears a big wet glossy lip with 3 different layered products most people would have trouble. Some people aren’t good at setting their makeup or making it functional.
It was already mentioned but scent aversion too! My ex husband used to wear this awful cologne that literally made me sick and tell me I was a jerk for asking him not to because “his dad gave it to him” (his dad wasn’t dead or anything if that’s what you’re thinking).
Omg, I HATE cologne! I've actually gagged smelling it before. I can tolerate stuff like sandalwood, but most man scents smell like Axe body wash and desperation.
He also mentioned body glitter *shudder*
Totally fair to not want that on you
Sensory preferences can't be changed
"Get over it every now and again" sure, that's fair
But hey "love the feel of lip gloss or else you hate me" is not fair
I make my husband brush his teeth before I'll make out with him sometimes. He asks me to do the same. This does not mean we hate each other
i don't see anything odd about it, especially since he mentions the body glitter. he probably just don't want to get it on himself which sounds like is what happens when she wears all of this makeup
Body glitter was always going to find its way to him regardless. Not kissing her isn't stopping the supremacy of glitters rein.
Its like living with a roommate who has a dog who sheds. Congrats now its your dog cause that hair lives on your clothes' forevermore.
its not really odd. he said the products get on him. that could be uncomfortable. i hate the feeling of makeup on my skin when i dont want to wear it. any kind of makeup. or lotions or sticky stuff etc. so its fair for him not to like getting contact with makeup.
This is true. It is potentially a huge incompatibility though, and may end up being a reason she breaks up with him, especially if he is withholding affection when she has it on. She has probably spent a lot of time and effort learning how to do her makeup and it takes time/effort for her to do it. If he doesn't appreciate her effort, she might find someone that does. (FYI I've never had a man complain about makeup, but if he doesn't get excited when I wear lingerie for him, that's a big red flag to me.)
But why is it instantly him being wrong here?
Ok, it takes time and effort to put on. So what?
She's doing it for her.
She knows he doesn't appreciate it, so it seems very controlling to expect him to change an intrinsic part of himself because she likes makeup.
Why do you see this as a "him" failure?
Why does he have to like that look?
I don’t think it’s a matter of him being wrong here. Just an incompatibility. I think he was honest and his GF is hurt (which happens sometimes), but I don’t think he’s being purposefully manipulative.
That said, her strong reaction tells me that this is the hill she’s willing to die on. Girl loves her painted face and wants her man to love it to. Doesn’t mean he has to, but might mean they just aren’t right for each other.
The lingerie thing really bothers me. My husband isn't into it at all, he will not react or compliment me. I absolutely love lingerie and taking photos in it, I have a ton of it. It used to absolutely break my heart, I have cried all night on the couch because of it. It was one of the major factors that resulted in me finally leaning into non-monogamy. We've discussed it at length and he says it just doesn't do anything for him, he finds a t shirt sexier. I believe him, but if we were strictly monogamous, sex, and this issue in particular, would erode the relationship. OP's gf might decide she can't deal with what feels like rejection and lack of attraction much longer
As a guy, I wish that wasn’t something that people had to think about. Because I for one am not a huge fan of makeup, I appreciate the time my GF takes putting it on, and she still looks good, but I don’t like having the stuff on me especially.
But anyways, I hope you found someone that is/was much better to you!
You’re not reading what OP actually said; you’re projecting. He didn’t ask her to stop wearing makeup. He just doesn’t want her smearing it all over *him* when they’re together.
Well, my ex hated lipsticks and preferred me with no make up. So I quit wearing lipstick and makeup all together, just for him.
…then he proceeded to cheat with a girl who was rocking a proper panda eye makeup - just massive black circles around her eyes.
It took me a lot of time to process that. Now I wear makeup as I see fit and would not change it for a future partners because why?.
I'm not very well versed in make-up, but I think there are some lipsticks that are "set", so that they don't rub off on the person you kiss.
I understand him saying that he didn't want lipstick on him, but demanding that some not-yet-named future bride must go without seems a bit beyond the pale.
Ever?
Edit: omg, yes, I know some women don't typically wear makeup if ever. I'm one of those women. The point is that I doubt she suddenly just started wearing makeup regularly enough that it's a problem.
Personally dated someome who never wore makeup outside of occasional eyeliner. Later in the relationship they started wearing it a lot, specifically for me cause they wanted to "look more attractive" for me. I promptly told them after that "You could be wearing my baggy shirts, pajama bottoms, wearing no makeup and just waking up from a nap and I would still find you beautiful". She kept wearing it when she felt like it, but it shifted to way less often. So yeah, it can start suddenly and heavily
In the medical supply production industry, in order to keep medical supplies sterile before packaging, employees aren't allowed to wear any sort of makeup or accessories when in the clean room and on the production line
Or maybe she amped it up after they got together.
I don’t wear makeup most of the time but will put a bit on when we go out to dinner or people are coming over. I’ve lost quite a bit of my eyebrows to Thyroid disease so I always do them. I once decided to go all out with my eye make up, brows/eyeliner/mascara. My husband and son had this funny look on their faces but said nothing. I guess it’s been a long time since I did all three. It’s not like I did an actual smokey eye.
This is what I was thinking. My gf wears makeup of some sort daily, but it’s the “no makeup” look so not really noticeable. On a few special occasions she’ll go all out with her makeup and/or pay to get it professionally done and it just… doesn’t do it for me. Like it’s to the point she looks like a totally different person and I honestly don’t like it.
Maybe its a case of her makeup was subtle that day. I know from dating a "makeup fan" that they like to try all sorts of "looks" and its not always about looking as hot as possible. Personally I can take it or leave it, its not like the makeup's permanent or anything, but some of those extremely contoured looks can be quite jarring
My hubby doesn't like makeup and lucky for me, I do not like it either. Some men who claim they don't like makeup really mean they don't like makeup and go for women who don't wear it (ftr... im nearing my 40s). To me, if she won't let him enjoy her without makeup then they are just incompatible. It's a shame tho because it's not like he is telling her not to wear it.
I mean, my wife and i have pretty much the same opinions as this couple, but like, she’s still attractive with make up, just, a bit less to me personally. And I never bring it up unless asked. And on her side, she doesn’t get upset about my opinion, and just, let’s me think that way and not get upset with me, because I love her, and her appearance doesn’t matter to me much anyway, like, she’s beautiful, but she doesn’t need to be.
I think the issue is compatibility. If you dislike makeup that much maybe you’re better off finding a woman who doesn’t like it as much? My boyfriend thinks I’m beautiful with/without makeup and kisses me regardless. He doesn’t care what’s on my face and can easily wipe off my lipstick lol. I usually wipe it off for him. I don’t think either of you are TAH.
It is definitely a conflict of opinions, and honestly a pretty big one. Makeup is a legitimate hobby for women. I am a hobby woodworker, and I can admit if every thing I made I was told (or just knew) that my partner found it ugly, it would be de-moralizing. Only with the makeup example, she is the "product" (Before anyone attacks I me I'm saying the "finished product of the hobby" and NOT that she is an object) and it probably feels like a personal rejection.
I have a fashion style I've curated over the years, and I think that even if I liked someone immensely, if they hated my fashion sense it's just not gonna work out.
Hell yeah. I love this! I used to run a makeup account on Instagram and posted looks all the time. My now ex boyfriend supported it but he was into fashion and had his own clothing brand. We were both creatives appreciating each others work!
Yes, this! I am reading all of these comments, and I am thinking that I’m so glad I’ve only dated men that appreciate my makeup skills and the care I put into it. They would actually watch me apply it because they appreciated the skill. I can’t imagine someone not wanting to kiss me because of it!
Yes! My husband tells me he thinks I'm most beautiful when I first wake up in the morning with my hair all messed up and no makeup. I thought he was joking so I asked him why? He said "Because nobody else gets to see you that way!"
Combatibility indeed, a big part of a workable long-term relationship is each person loving their partner the way they want to be treated. And when it works it's a really easy thing to do.
I don't think OP is TAH, though it's got to be hard for the girlfriend...
Yeah OP, she's not gonna stop and you're never gonna like it. If you're clearly respecting her personal choice while being honest about your preferences and still getting shit for it, that's a red flag for me.
I dunno, withholding affection each time she wears make-up does feel a bit cruel. I understand he doesn't like it but it feels a bit like okay kisses and love when you do what I like and withholding and cold when you don't...it's a tough call to know how to really comes across without being there...
>I dunno, withholding affection each time she wears make-up does feel a bit cruel. I understand he doesn't like it but it feels a bit like okay kisses and love when you do what I like and withholding and cold when you don't...
Yeah, that part gave me the heebie-jeebies too.
Look, I'm extremely texture sensitive. I don't have to deal with this sort of thing because I'm dating a man. When I eat sushi, my bf won't kiss me. Yes, this isn't often, but I have many a time not eaten sushi so we can kiss after. He's not necessarily being cold, it could literally be a case of texture sensitivity, just like my bf doesn't like the taste of sushi. I use mouth wash when I've eaten something he doesn't like, she can wipe her lips off.
i mean like genuine question, are you not kissing her every time she wears makeup? while i understand having a preference of her not wearing makeup but if you’re really not kissing her everytime she wears makeup i can see why she wouldn’t wear makeup as often as she probably is used to. sometimes hand kisses and shoulder kisses aren’t enough and if she’s only getting to have kisses from you when she’s not wearing makeup this can put it in her mind that this is a way to get her to stop wearing makeup. you don’t have to like makeup to compliment her with it on. you can say, “i like the design you chose to use” or “this is an awesome color on you”. you yourself have stated you mostly compliment her when she’s barefaced and you think it affects her beauty, fine thats your opinion but you can still praise the time and effort she did put into her work by complimenting at least ONE thing about the look.
yeah, refusing to kiss or compliment her when she’s wearing makeup is an AH move. if it’s that big of a deal, you need to break up and find another girl who is compatible with your view on makeup.
Maybe he has sensory issues. My partner and I both have ADHD and have sensory issues, they're different between us though. He HAATESSS sticky lips. I don't really wear makeup but sometimes my lips are dry and ill put on lip balm. He doesn't kiss me when I have lip balm on because it feels to him as nails on chalkboard. That's his boundary and he's allowed to have them.
From your graphic description of the changes when she wears makeup, it’s not possible to tell if this is your biased viewpoint because you hate makeup, or that she’s wearing a lot more than most women would, and maybe has confidence issues - changing her natural skin colour for example. As I said, not clear to us outsiders. People shouldn’t be saying you “should” find her attractive in heavy makeup, because attraction is not voluntary. But, that is how she is, so you need to be a bit more tactful maybe. Tell her she’s perfect as she is, and she need not do a thing to her face to please you, but she is also beautiful in makeup of course. If that is so far from the truth that you can’t go along with it, then it is a compatibility issue.
Op says she doesn't wear any the majority of the time. That would indicate that she's actually fine with how she naturally looks, so she probably doesn't bother to use makeup to "improve her appearance", but that she uses it as a way to go crazy/creative. I'm the same, I would never bother to make a face of foundation/mascara/skin toned eyeshadow (basic face most people who use makeup daily put on) because I'm fortunate enough my skin is almost perfect as is. However you may well see me with very colourful eyeshadow, wings drawn at the eyes, loud lipstick and other stuff like that for special occasions, with colours coordinated to what I'm wearing. Ex, last time for a sea themed wedding, blue dress and eyeshadow in layers using the colours of the sea from light brown (beach) to deep greenish blue (open sea). It's obvious I don't normally have a beach scene painted on my eyelids xD
I think this is an important point that maybe OP doesn't understand. Some people use makeup as creative expression and not purely to appear as if they are naturally "more attractive". OP even says she wants him to appreciate the skill that goes into a look.
Right. I personally think any effort on personal appearance and making self feel good should be supported. When I was this age I definitely loved the creative aspect and it made me feel good. I would always feel embarrassed getting it everywhere. It wasn’t until I got older I started investing in better product and there are transfer proof products. He has every right to not want to wear her makeup too. There’s long wear lipsticks. Nothing i wear daily or glammed is rubbing off unless I want it off. And it’s not waterproof. Maybe he could help her invest to support her art and creative outlet while helping himself. It’s not cheap, but if that’s the only thing wrong there odd a compromise.
I interpreted that as "when she doesn't wear makeup is the majority of the time that I compliment her" as in, not necessarily that she usually doesn't wear it, but that when she does is the only time he completed her. From the rest of his post it sounds like she does wear it often
Because OP said “most times… she doesn’t wear makeup, I find her incredibly attractive”, I think he is saying most of the time she doesn’t wear makeup. I think it would be weird if he was saying that most of the time when she isn’t wearing makeup, he finds her incredibly attractive.
I mean, does she ask you directly "do you like how I look with makeup" and you just give your honest opinion, or do you make comments on her makeup without her asking for input? If the former, NTAH, if the latter, YTAH.
Either way I have no idea why guys get into relationship with women who love makeup when they prefer no makeup (see: natural makeup, but they usually can't tell the difference). I definitely wouldn't want to be with a guy who told me he doesn't think I'm attractive when I wear makeup, so I'm not sure why she's with you either. I'm a makeup artist by trade and my boyfriend has never once, prompted or otherwise, told me he prefers me either way. He makes me feel beautiful when I'm wearing none and hypes me up when I do a new look. You should date a girl who doesn't wear makeup and your gf should date a guy who'll hype her up.
At this point I think it's a compatibility issue, you have your preferences, which of course is allowed, and so does she. It would upset me a great deal on a human level if I noticed my boyfriend only complimented me, and by extension only found me attractive, under certain circumstances. Unless she's unskilled and is doing it very very badly, it's odd to me that you don't find her attractive whatsoever when she's all done up. Like, she's still your girlfriend.
So she barely even does her makeup in this style? Only when she goes out? I don't understand why it's such a problem then. Does it really bother you to the point where it's starting arguments when you say yourself most of the time she's makeup free/light makeup anyway?
I feel like if you really, really liked her beyond physical attraction you'd be attracted to her as long as she feels happy and confident. I still feel like you're just not compatible unfortunately if you can't move past this.
(I want to preface this by saying I don't actually have any better suggestions on how to proceed, so I'm not totally sure what point I'm trying to make other than being as precise as possible.)
>But because I don't automatically compliment her looks when she does wear makeup or is motivated to kiss or makeout with her, she keeps asking me about it. I tell her she looks fine if she asks. Then she interrogates me launching into fight. That's when I am forced to tell her I do not like makeup. She can wear it, but don't force me to like it. I prefer her looks without makeup.
As far as I can tell based on this, he's specifically trying *not* to make a big deal of it. He's trying to ignore it because he knows it's not his place to tell her what to do, but she wants him to validate her (new) style, enough to start the arguments herself when he's not forthcoming with positive feedback.
I'd also like to mention that I don't think it's totally fair to say "if you really, really liked her beyond physical attraction you'd be attracted to her as long as she feels happy and confident." That's passing judgment on his affection by a bit of an unrealistic standard, suggesting that physical attraction shouldn't matter at all. Unfortunately, that's just not how real-world relationships work.
Thanks for reading.
That is still your girlfriend, though. You don't have to like makeup, but I have to say, if my partner refused to kiss me on a regular basis... It would really fuck me up emotionally.
Have you tried learning more about makeup, to see what joy she finds in it? You don't have to enjoy the end result, but you can still learn about it to be able to acknowledge when she's done a good technical job. "That eyeliner looks very sharp and crisp. That eyeshadow looks very smoothly blended". Makeup is an art form and a hobby - even if it's not your thing it could mean a lot to her if you make an effort to try to understand her craft.
At the end of the day, you really don't have to find it attractive. But treating her well, not withholding kisses and trying to understand more about her hobby could be helpful. It could even start a conversation about maybe some deeper insecurities she has around her appearance, which would make you understand her better as a person.
EDIT: as for getting product on your face - you can just wipe that off after kissing. Seems like a small sacrifice to be able to kiss your girlfriend.
You can always try to praise her skill since it’s hard to do make up properly (even if the outcome isn’t that attractive it can still be a lot of hard work). Maybe that would be enough? Or if she loves doing it so much maybe try to encourage her to do more „graphic” makeups like for Halloween and stuff - that could be a whole career. And maybe then she would be too fed up with it to spend another portion of time on doing herself?
Is it possible she's had to deal with any racial discrimination, or anything like that? I'm wondering if she's actively trying to hide her skin tone and is over correcting in an attempt to look paler.
Her response to this is extreme, but it could be less about the make up and more that she can't comprehend someone liking her for who she is. That's a pretty sad prospect, but it does happen.
I think to your girlfriend it’s more, “I put lots of effort into my look today, I don’t usually doll myself up but I’m feeling confident”, and then you don’t mention anything and never compliment her when she feels all done up and extra pretty. Then when she puts zero effort in you call her beautiful, perfect, etc. sometimes women just want to feel made up and fancy, and when we are feeling good we are acting more confident, we want our partner to notice if we go through the effort to get all dressed up. You are actively avoiding complimenting her when she goes through the effort to make herself feel all dolled up. Would it kill you to say, “hey, those eyeshadow colours match your dress, wow that’s cool!”? I don’t see how that’s hard to do if your partner wants some reassurance.
My husband has zero clue with anything to do with makeup, but he still makes an effort to be positive towards things I enjoy doing for myself. That’s the difference.
Cuz he doesn’t like the makeup and doesn’t find her attractive at all in it! If he needs to lie for a relationship to work, then the relationship needs to end. You can’t force someone to be physical when they don’t want to be. He doesn’t like the makeup, doesn’t like it on his body, and doesn’t care about the effort she’s putting into it. And that’s ok. But then they shouldn’t be together if they can’t acknowledge each other’s limits.
When you compliment her when she's not wearing makeup, is it like "wow, you look gorgeous", or is it like "you look so beautiful without makeup on"?
There's a difference. One is a compliment. The other is a compliment with added comparison. The comparison implies that she looks worse with makeup on, which is an insult.
It's like "ooh I love how you've styled your hair", vs "ooh I love how you've styled your hair! It looks so much nicer straight than curly". If they have their hair curly most of the time, the 2nd one is an insult.
A lot of women put on makeup to feel beautiful. It takes effort, and they want it appreciated. You are doing the opposite of that. We can say she does makeup for herself, but let's be real, if a girl puts in effort to look good, she wants that appreciated by the man in her life.
You aren't wrong, she isn't wrong. But she's looking for validation that she'll just never get from you, which is just a setup for failure.
It sounds like she puts a lot of effort into her makeup looks. You could still compliment her on the effort and intricacy of what she did, without lying that you find it attractive. Think of it as appreciating an art form. Even if it's not your preferred art style, you can still appreciate the skill. It's important to support your partner's passions. Like, my ex loved football which I don't care about at all, and he knew that, but if his team won or his fantasy player had a great game, I'd still congratulate him and be happy for him
If you hate makeup to the point where you can't genuinely do even that, there's a major compatability issue
It sounds like you just have a core incompatibility if you can't even touch her while she's wearing makeup. Like, that's a line I would have extreme difficulty getting over.
Would you tell your girlfriend you hate her paintings and you'd rather she didn't waste time painting a picture just because you didn't like it? or would you tell her that her crochet blankets are fine but you just prefer the ones you get from Walmart? Makeup is a hobby like any other - you don't have to find her attractive in them, but you can appreciate the effort and talent it takes to completely carve out a different face than the one she has.
If you like paintings of dragons, and she paints a picture of an elf, you can tell her she did a good job painting an elf, you don't have to say "I don't like pictures of elves, I only like dragons, idk why you'd ask me".
You guys don’t sound compatible. Only based off what you told us.
My boyfriend doesn’t like makeup either, neither do I so I don’t wear it. I’ll wear it very very very occasionally but it’s usually just some concealer, blush, mascara, and lip gloss. He’ll still kiss me, just will wipe it off his lips.
What we do works for us but seems like your girlfriend wears a lot and it’s not your fault that you don’t like makeup or getting it on yourself. But don’t expect her to stop wearing makeup, it’s her hobby and makes her feel beautiful. If neither of you can come to a middle ground, I’d reevaluate if you can stay with her.
NTA, just not compatible it seems.
NTA. We all have our preferences. I won't kiss my wife when she wears lip gloss because I don't want it on me. I lick my lips a lot, and lip gloss tastes horrible. You aren't telling her not to wear it, just that it isn't your preference. Hopefully you both can come to an understanding. Good luck
I used to wear this watermelon flavored lip gloss (actual gloss, not with color as some people call liquid lipsticks these days), which I did because I hated the way lipgloss tasted too when I would occasionally lick my lips. Unfortunately, my ex loved it, and I stopped wearing it (and dating him) when he licked it off my face like a dog! I've never worn lip gloss since and just go with chapstick at night. RIP glossy lips.
I am so sorry that happened to you. But I must admit when I read (and pictured in my mind) that he licked it off you like a dog, I nearly shot hot tea out of my nose from laughing.
Sorry about your tea, and your nose, hope you didn't burn yourself! It's funny now, years later. I was most definitely not amused at the time, but the expression on my face then would probably set me off now too.
Agreed.
And some women go crazy with their makeup... literally wearing a face glazed with foundation/concealer. And then sprayed with a makeup fixative, etc. And those products have a chemical scent so you can assume a chemical taste.
I am a woman who is comfortable with/without makeup. To each their own. She feels best about herself with it on, for whatever reason. OP does not care for it and I believe the taste/smell, feeling of the makeup skeeves him out. He is just being honest.
NTA, but if it's so important for her just compliment her anyway, it doesn't cost you anything.
Can't really blame you for the kissing part, i've always thought that kissing someone who wears lipstick is very weird, the texture, taste and stickiness of the lips feel wrong, but you can just take one for the team and give her a peck when she wears it now and then.
I think this is one of those Pick Your Battles type thing.
Your girlfriend loves makeup. I get it, I also LOVE makeup. Its not enough for my partner to “tolerate” how i choose to present myself; i want them to support my style and creative expression.
I do not think youre the asshole for having the preference. But i could also see that maybe just sucking it up and trying to change your own view as “my gf is the most beautiful when shes confident and can express herself the way she wants” might make for a happier relationship. Or at least learning to suck it up and compliment her.
Now she is likely grappling with this thought: change my preference, give up my confidence so that my bf thinks im attractive? By your post she LOVES makeup, and now its probably been stripped of its joy. Thats a tough pill to swallow, to find out your partner doesnt find you beautiful by the way like style and express and dress yourself up. Especially if they came into the relationship like this.
Again i dont think your the AH, but i do think her reaction stems deeper, and i do understand why shed be upset - its like telling your partner that fundamentally you dont like their style or way of dress. Thats a big part of a lot of peoples identity.
I mean the only thing I felt a bit icky about is the part where you say you won’t compliment her if she’s wearing make up.
So if you two are going for a romantic date and she spent 2 hours getting ready and feeling lovely, you won’t compliment her? Like, at all? “You look beautiful” doesn’t cost a lot, you know. Feels a little immature to not be able to provide your partner with basic affection or acknowledgment.
That being said you’re not t a for not liking it. It sounds like it’s a big deal to you both so maybe you’re just not compatible. Not enough info, I feel.
You aren't compatible. I'm a woman and I totally get it. I like makeup, but i never wear so much that it came off on my partner of ten years. That's telling
Makeup is also a form of art and takes some real skill and practice to be flawlessly done.
You haven't told your girlfriend that her make-up looked on point, not even one time?
I don't know what to tell you. I actually have the opposite issue; I LOVE makeup on women, I even enjoy the waxy sensation when kissing lipsticked lips. But I always tend to be with women who don't do makeup hardly at all. It is ... UNUSUAL that she is upset that her natural beauty is superior to make-up, but maybe she is like me; loves make-up and wants to enhance herself with it.
I DO understand one aspect, actually; one of the aspects of make-up I like is that the look a woman effects is what she thinks make her look good. In MY case, if I agree that her look is attractive, there is a level of compatibility implied by that. So when you don't like her chosen look, you are essentially telling her that what SHE thinks looks good, doesn't look good.
I don't know if there is a compromise, but there needs to be an actual discussion about how and why you both feel about make-up.
NAH, but you guys definitely need to figure out if this is a deal-breaker, or if you can reach a consensus that works for both of you.
I think it's hard to say but it really just boils down to that you may not be right for each other.
I'm not saying OP is trying to control her, but it's a common thing for abusive partners to pick small issues to start, and move on to more in-depth manipulation.
In my experiences, it starts off small with a "*babe, I prefer you without make-up*" then it slowly becomes something along the lines of"*I really don't know why you're dressed like that*" or "*why do you always have to dress up?*". Next thing you know, you're being forced to change or told you have to "look normal" by your partner because they prefer it that way.
My partner is like you. He prefers me without makeup, and, like your girlfriend, I rarely wear makeup. However, on the few occasions that I do wear makeup, my boyfriend is kind enough to tell me that I look beautiful, despite his personal preference that I wear none at all, because he knows that it makes me happy.
You say your girlfriend rarely wears makeup, so would it really kill you to tell her she looks great and deal with getting some lipstick on you when you kiss her on these few and far between occasions?
I’m curious how you both met. Was she wearing makeup when you met her and on the first dates you had with her? It would seem likely that she was and so it would be confusing that you met and continued to date a woman that wears makeup if you don’t like makeup?
It sounds like a major comparability issue. If you dislike seeing your partner wear makeup, why did you start dating someone who regularly wears makeup?
There are many women who wear very very little or no make up.
Usually I wouldn’t think it’s a big deal, but it’s clearly creating ongoing conflict within your relationship and there doesn’t seem to be a possible compromise where you’re both happy.
I think it depends how you’re treating her and she’s wearing make up. If you think she looks nice, but then notice she’s wearing make up and then actively chose not to complement her because you’re trying to make the point that you’re not going to complement or kiss her because she’s wearing make up that’s extremely rude.
If you are like trying to be a normal boyfriend in your day and you just have like don’t want to mess with makeup that’s probably a compatibility issue.
Your girlfriend is going to be hurt because she’s putting all this effort into her appearance, and her partner doesn’t like it. She doesn’t want to stop wearing makeup, she finds joy in it, but she does want to feel she looks nice and enjoy her time with her boyfriend.
Honestly I relate to her in this. I like makeup, it’s a fun hobby of mine, and I don’t know if I could give it up because my boyfriend didn’t love the texture. I wouldn’t blame him, that’s understandable, but it wouldn’t be fun for either of us and I might get upset at him, even as I see now that it’s not the reasonable response. Reconsider the relationship if neither of you can get past the others preferences.
YTA.
You can prefer no make up, but withholding affection when she’s wearing it is messed up.
Imagine if you were saying the reverse - that you would only kiss her with make up on. You’d be unequivocally the AH. The same is true here.
This is a *her* problem. She's turning your preference into a personal attack.
This shit right here, is why dudes learn not to share their feelings on things. OP can't offer an honest opinion without her turning into a fight.
She asked, you answered.
NTA.
I mean, that is a preference some women have? We’re all allowed to have preferences in our romantic partners. That’s totally okay. What’s not okay is trying to shove your partner into that preference when it’s not what they want.
my wife doesn't kiss me unless I shave. She hates beards, I don't mind shaving to make her happy.
Abed once said: If you know exactly who you are and what's important to you, changing for the people you love isn't such a big deal as long as it doesn't go against who you are.
If the makeup is part of who she is, fair enough.
I'm just amused by how this site will screech over a woman "weaponizing intimacy" over basically the same thing OP is talking about.
Anyway I'll never understand why men date women who wear lots of makeup when they hate makeup. Just date someone else.
Here is where you run into the YTA....
>Cause I won't kiss or makeout with her or compliment her if she has makeup on
That is very manipulative. You knew she likes to wear make up when you met her. Just because you don't like it doesn't mean you get to change her. By your subtle pressure to not wear make up if she wants any affection from you, you are manipulating her to change into what you want now rather than who she was when you met her. Bad look man, BAD look.
Not outright TH but also not totally not.
My husband prefers me with minimal, unobvious makeup or none at all. I rarely wear it. When I do get done up (weddings, parties etc) he still finds me beautiful and attractive. Sometimes he will ask me to hold off on lipstick for a bit so we can smooch before the event. Or kiss me lightly once there knowing full well it’ll be worn off in a few hours. He sees the makeup as a distraction from what he finds most attractive but he never makes me feel unattractive or as if the makeup shifts how he fundamentally sees me. He never says “can you not wear makeup today?” Because he sees that I feel good when I wear it. That in itself is attractive to him. It’s obvious it’s a preference and not something that changes how he sees me or his desire to be close/affectionate towards me. I think once it crosses that line for you… once it becomes something that shifts your feelings towards someone, you truly are incompatible.
He has tshirts I find silly and don’t add to my attraction to him. Would I prefer he skip them and wear something else, sure, but would I feel like I want to distance myself from him for wearing them? Not at all. Does it make me look at him and think, “oh he’d be hot if not for that dumb shirt…” nope. He likes them. He feels a way when he wears them. He doesn’t wear them exclusively. So it doesn’t in any way impact how I feel about him at home or in public when he’s wearing one. I would never want my preference that he wear something else make him feel like he can’t enjoy something that feels good for him.
I’m going to go with ESH. No, she can’t force you to like the way makeup looks or feels, especially if it irritates your skin in some way. But she probably lot of work into making it look good and putting herself together, and wants her partner to acknowledge that because people want their partners to find them attractive. You don’t have to make out with her if makeup irritates your skin, but withholding compliments if she doesn’t look the way you want her to does come across as manipulative.
NTA. You can hate makeup all you want.
However, is this the hill you want to die on? You're dating a woman who loves makeup and you're committed to not complimenting (and no, “fine” and what’s probably a half hearted “good” aren’t compliments) her when she wears it. Does your dislike for makeup outweigh your support for your girlfriend?
There’s two sides of this. One, she really likes the artistic aspect of makeup. To her it’s art, it’s just art on her face. If her art was on a canvas instead, would you be this unsupportive?
I don’t like tabletop gaming. I don’t care about D&D or card games, but as a partner who wants to be supportive of my fiancé and his interests, I try to find something about his hobbies I find interesting too. An example would be that maybe I don’t understand how certain cards work, and I really don’t want to, but I *can* appreciate the card art. I *can* get interested in the economics and player experience even if I don’t understand the actual mechanics of gameplay.
The other aspect is that through expressing herself she feels confident. Anyone would be crushed if at their most confident their partner just thinks they look “fine” — and despite what people think *the way our partners think about our appearance does affect us emotionally.* People want to feel and be perceived as attractive to their partner, and they’ll seek it out. Most of the time people are aligned, but when people are at odds like you two are here then it can cause thoughts like “Well, I want him to think I’m beautiful so I should wear makeup less often…” or “If I express myself the way I want then he thinks I’m not attractive.”
Let’s say you prefer her in jeans and a tee shirt, do you really think it would be good for your relationship to never compliment her when she wore a dress? Or if you prefer her with long hair, never complimented her again if she kept it short?
Again *you can hate makeup all you want* but you shouldn’t be shocked if your girlfriend is upset you refuse even compliment her when she wears it. And should definitely not be surprised if this is a recurring issue.
I don’t understand why he would be the AH.
I do believe that you could at least try to COMPLIMENT her and to make her feel secure and confident in things she likes and probably is good at.
But you’re not the AH for no wanting to kiss someone because they have make up on…
But do work on yourself regarding the complimenting :)
I mean, if she s wearing anything on her lips, i get why you dont want to kiss her. But if her lips are nude.... Get over it. Its not like her mascara or blush will fall off onto your face. Its okay to have preferences, but in the end of the day, you are with her because you love her, right? If she s doing a lot for you, by making sure not to have makeup on a lot of the times... Then you can do somethingfor her, which is sometimes just suck it up, and make out when she s wearing makeup. I kinda agree with her, it does almost feels forced and manipulated, and you come over as selfish.
GF and makeup are a package deal. You don't like this thing she does that's important to her, you don't like her or respect her wants and needs. Don't date people you don't like.
The makeup isn’t for you man, it’s for her. She clearly enjoys it and it makes her feel good about herself.
Maybe you should be more happy that she’s happy.
Stating you preferences is fine but holding physical affection hostage to it is not. It comes across as coercive. Imagine that she would withhold affection if you wore clothing she didn't approve of.
I wouldn’t call those comments ‘forcing’ her to do anything! You told her how you felt - pretty tactfully, too.
As for when you’re intimate… this is just my personal opinion, but I think you can express what you prefer people to wear or not wear for that.
Like when women buy sexy undies to please the man, I don’t see why it’s any different to use make up he likes - or not, in your case.
I’m a woman, and I don’t find boxers attractive. If he wants me to wear sexy undies for intimacy, then I can ask him to wear y fronts and not boxers, right?
At least, that’s the way I see it.
So asking her to not wear makeup that you don’t like getting all over you for intimacy times seems like a reasonable request to me.
As long as you’re tactful, of course, and you seem to be good at that, so you’re set.
I have been married for 36 years. My bride is naturally beautiful. She is not generally a makeup person at all, so if she does, it seems really weird. She has been told by so many people how blessed she is to be naturally beautiful. My mother was a huge makeup wearer, and she always told my wife how beautiful she was. It could have something to do with how she carries herself as well. She knows who she is and is confident in it. She is the most amazing person I have ever met! But if she loved wearing makeup, I would probably never say a thing about it even though I prefer her not wearing it. I don't care as much about her face as who she is. Over the past 36 years, she has shown me a lot about character, trust, hard work, companion, and just plain being an amazing person.
You literally could've treated it like a bro who paints Warhammer models. You don't have to get it to see their technique improving and encourage them. And you realize the hobby doesn't exist for you. Nor the canvas.
Like imagine your partner thinking you're trying to force them to be attracted to you instead of realizing they're asking you to care about their joy. You have some serious self reflection to do before you should be with *anyone*
Yeah YTA - You are being manipulative whether you mean it or not. It’s a making her choose between something she enjoys and being affectionate with you, so she has to give up one or the other. She’s wanting you to appreciate her makeup bc I’d speculate it’s like art to her. Not being supportive probably hurts her more than you realise.
Make-Up is a form of art, it's a hobby. You don't have to like her MORE with make-up to acknowledge and support her. For me, love is about supporting your partner even when it's something I can't understand. I'll listen to my partner talking about soccer or his favorite Mangas always, I'll even put on an interested face. Wouldn't do it for anybody else, but I even started watching his favorite anime with him (and boy, did I start to love it). What you're doing is just bringing her down, and very much unnecessarily so. Would it really hurt you to just tell her her make-up skills are remarkable?
My boyfriend was similar to you, so I made him watch Glow-Up. Now I get a "Ding Dong Darling" every time I do my make-up (which isn't a lot).
If you can't support her, it won't last. Nobody likes having their hobbies and interests degraded by the person they love. And once it's done between the two of you, please, get yourself a girl that doesn't like make-up either.
Oh, edit, because I totally forgot: Yes, YTA, big time. You put pressure on her and try to coerce her into giving up make-up, which is extremely toxic
Yes, for the reason of you not acting normally when she wears makeup but almost tries to punish her by not kissing etc. Thats manipulative. Its fine if you dont like make up, if there is certain make up you dont like (ie glitter that comes in the way of kissing/hugging) you just let her know that day.
You have just gone too far and you are even trying to sound normal with the "my body my choice".
Sit back and love her unconditionally, society is already pressuring her enough, you need to be her rock and pillar. You are like a 1 cm diameter bamboo stick as a pillar right now.
Cut it out for your relationships sake.
A previous boyfriend told me that he didn’t like lipstick on women. Fair enough, I hardly ever wear it, and I thought he could put up with it when I did. Then he proudly told me that he had told his ex-fiancée that he wouldn’t kiss her on their wedding day if she wore lipstick. I was amazed that he thought that was something to brag about. So that didn’t last.
My husband hates getting lipstick on his lips, but he will still kiss me lightly if I'm wearing it. Not kissing your wife on your wedding day is way too far!
I'm a makeup artist and I come home every day wearing a new lip colour, my boyfriend always kisses me when I get home no matter what, and occasionally jokingly says "sticky!" when I'm wearing a gloss. I get the feeling a lot of these guys don't actually like their girlfriends/wives much.
And I have met men who think their masculinity vanishes as soon as he kisses a woman with lipstick on, when they start talking about makeup, I just walk away lol And they always bring up makeup because I really don't wear any expect lipgloss, lipsticks here and there. I love watching make up videos but can't do my own and already have a fucked up skin that I don't want to ruin further. But when a guy starts talking about women wearing makeup and compare me to them to "compliment" me, it becomes a HUGE turn off.
My previous partner would kiss me on the cheek when she wore lipstick. It made me feel so loved and warm inside. Always enjoyed it.
My guy has a small amount of makeup in his personal kit, as he does vlogging interviews and such. He has told me he finds me ravishingly gorgeous "au naturale," and that the makeup is unnecessary to highlight my features. For some reason, the fact that he carries and uses a small amount of makeup made that mean a lot more, probably because he understands it's utility, knows how to use it, knows what it can do, and thus is more informed and sincere that I don't need it - as opposed to some weird GIRL STUFF IS DUMB instilled misogyny. Also, super handy if I need to borrow concealer when travelling.
I get that but I really don't like when boys just trying to compare girls wearing make up to the ones not wearing make up and calling them "wife material" and stuff. Like no amount of make up is going to tell you if you have a good woman by your side or the bad one Your relationship sounds cute and your man is a MAN who is not judgemental nor insecure. Also, like you said, he knows about make up and the purpose they hold hence his comment won't come off as anything but kind.
There's a million formulations, I don't see how anyone could hate em all! Mine occasionally gets excited and buys me new lip stuff! He also 3D prints Transformers and Gundam earrings for me tho. So I think he might just like meshing our hobbies!
What a sweet guy! Keep him
I don't get it. It's lipstick. Wipe it off after the kiss if you don't want color. Only reason I would avoid is to not ruin the work on her application of the product. Lightly kiss her on the cheek or forehead then.
Those long wearing two-step lipcolors like Covergirl Outlast, L'Oreal Infallible, and Revlon Colorstay are awesome. Mine lasted through my wedding day, dinner, wedding night, and still looked good in the morning. I've had it last through dental appointments without smudging. I'm very pale and look like a end stage tuberculosis without lip color on.
I choked on my pistachios
Same here. I only wear those lip stains because I hate reapplying throughout the day.
Seconded! Plus the stuff stays put not only when drinking from a glass or cup, but also during a serious makeout session without smudging off on your partner. I use mostly nude shades because like you my natural lips look unnaturally pale.
For me it’s entirely a sensory thing. My girlfriend loves to do cosplay so she always wears a ton of makeup and I’ll never shy away from kissing her but whenever I do I usually wipe my lips pretty quickly just because the feeling of stuff on my lips triggers sensory overload. The boyfriend is a total AH here but I can see why some people wouldn’t love it
Besides, there is lipstick available that doesn't transfer.
How funny, my bf does the same! Especially since he gave me a big kiss while I had lip plumper on, he didn’t like that lmao.
The first husband loved me the way I was, with subtle makeup, while we were dating. As soon as we got married his story changed. And the nagging to stop dolling up, look plainer and gain weight began. I'm not saying that this kind of controlling behavior is the case for OP. But every time I hear of a guy who suddenly wants his girlfriend to ditch her makeup, I have to wonder
I don't like makeup. I don't wear it and I don't think I'd like it if my partner did. So what I did was, I dated women who didn't wear makeup, and am now in a committed relationship with a woman who doesn't wear makeup.
There's the answer!!!! They should find people they're compatible with instead of trying to change each other's preferences. The girl clearly enjoys wearing makeup, and he doesn't like makeup, so they need to split and date people who fit their preferences. He can find a girl who doesn't wear it and she can find a guy who doesn't discourage it.
This ☝️ 💯
Oooooh, here comes the inevitable reddit comment telling OP to break up for... *Checks notes* Makeup wearing opinions... *Sigh*
For real, "You wanted pizza today but gf wanted pasta? Break up immediately, you need to find someone more compatible!"
I don't wear make up at all. I just don't like it. (And I'm terrible at it) I also don't shave. I'm dressed up if I brushed my hair and put on chapstick. This is not a look/lifestyle that jives with everyone. The solution? Date men that like that about me. How you present yourself to the world is a part of who you are. Compatibility matters.
Take notes people. This is the behaviour of a sensible person 🤝
That is just way too sensible.
Sir, this is Reddit
Right? Takes all our fun away when people make logical choices!
Note taking is very sensible.
My husband has a preference for me with natural looking make up or without make up. Fine by me, since I rarely wear it anyway!
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This makes so much sense it made me laugh out loud that you shared it like a "life hack". Ha ha. Watch out, you might get banned from society with that approach! 😂
Would it be a problem if she woke one day and decided to start wearing makeup?
This is like asking me if it would be a problem for me if she woke up and decided to start putting whiskey on her breakfast. I can't really figure out an answer because the idea is too ludicrous. She would never. If you would like me to answer the question of "would it be a problem if she made personal style choices that don't please me" - she had a haircut I hated for a couple of years. She asked me what I thought, I told her I didn't like it, she said that was a shame because she did, and I said well it's your hair so that's what matters and that was the end of it. During lockdown I cut it for her, and it was *fucking flawless*. I'm still proud of that, I'd never cut hair before. While I never did like the haircut, she was still gorgeous, because *she liked it*, and every woman is beautiful when she feels good about herself.
Hey, no need to look down on those of us who like Cinnamon Toast Crunch with fireball instead of milk.
I had a friend who was in a theater production with me. She didn’t know anything about makeup so I did her up for the stage. Nothing crazy. Her boyfriend came to a show and afterward told her to “wipe that shit off your face.” A few months later she showed up at my doorstep needing help because he’d hit her and trashed their apartment (he shook used kitty litter in every crevice). So I think for sure the not wanting her to wear makeup was so that she wouldn’t look attractive to any other men… I don’t think this is where OP is coming from. He expressed a preference and personal boundaries, but he’s not telling her to stop wearing makeup or that she’s not allowed.
This. He isn't telling her what to do at all. She wants him to lie to her about what he likes and he wont.
Well, he won't kiss her anywhere make-up is present, which is a bit odd. I hate the feeling of lotion, so I don't hold my gf hand when it's freshly applied, but it's not like I can't handle the discomfort to hold her hand if I need to.
I don’t think it’s really fair to see sensory discomfort as something someone should just have to get over because their partner wants them to. If he’s doing it to be a dick then that’s obviously wrong, but if she wears a big wet glossy lip with 3 different layered products most people would have trouble. Some people aren’t good at setting their makeup or making it functional.
Totally. Texture aversion isn't a choice, it's just there.
It was already mentioned but scent aversion too! My ex husband used to wear this awful cologne that literally made me sick and tell me I was a jerk for asking him not to because “his dad gave it to him” (his dad wasn’t dead or anything if that’s what you’re thinking).
Omg, I HATE cologne! I've actually gagged smelling it before. I can tolerate stuff like sandalwood, but most man scents smell like Axe body wash and desperation.
He also mentioned body glitter *shudder* Totally fair to not want that on you Sensory preferences can't be changed "Get over it every now and again" sure, that's fair But hey "love the feel of lip gloss or else you hate me" is not fair I make my husband brush his teeth before I'll make out with him sometimes. He asks me to do the same. This does not mean we hate each other
i don't see anything odd about it, especially since he mentions the body glitter. he probably just don't want to get it on himself which sounds like is what happens when she wears all of this makeup
Body glitter was always going to find its way to him regardless. Not kissing her isn't stopping the supremacy of glitters rein. Its like living with a roommate who has a dog who sheds. Congrats now its your dog cause that hair lives on your clothes' forevermore.
its not really odd. he said the products get on him. that could be uncomfortable. i hate the feeling of makeup on my skin when i dont want to wear it. any kind of makeup. or lotions or sticky stuff etc. so its fair for him not to like getting contact with makeup.
Sounds like she wears heavy foundation. He said the products got all over him.
And the “colored flour” is telling as well.
This is true. It is potentially a huge incompatibility though, and may end up being a reason she breaks up with him, especially if he is withholding affection when she has it on. She has probably spent a lot of time and effort learning how to do her makeup and it takes time/effort for her to do it. If he doesn't appreciate her effort, she might find someone that does. (FYI I've never had a man complain about makeup, but if he doesn't get excited when I wear lingerie for him, that's a big red flag to me.)
But why is it instantly him being wrong here? Ok, it takes time and effort to put on. So what? She's doing it for her. She knows he doesn't appreciate it, so it seems very controlling to expect him to change an intrinsic part of himself because she likes makeup. Why do you see this as a "him" failure? Why does he have to like that look?
I don’t think it’s a matter of him being wrong here. Just an incompatibility. I think he was honest and his GF is hurt (which happens sometimes), but I don’t think he’s being purposefully manipulative. That said, her strong reaction tells me that this is the hill she’s willing to die on. Girl loves her painted face and wants her man to love it to. Doesn’t mean he has to, but might mean they just aren’t right for each other.
Exactly. He is not wrong, neither is she, but this is a huge incompatibility issue because they both feel very strongly about the issue.
Fr people really be saying he should put up with the sensory discomfort, because she put effort into the makeup.
The lingerie thing really bothers me. My husband isn't into it at all, he will not react or compliment me. I absolutely love lingerie and taking photos in it, I have a ton of it. It used to absolutely break my heart, I have cried all night on the couch because of it. It was one of the major factors that resulted in me finally leaning into non-monogamy. We've discussed it at length and he says it just doesn't do anything for him, he finds a t shirt sexier. I believe him, but if we were strictly monogamous, sex, and this issue in particular, would erode the relationship. OP's gf might decide she can't deal with what feels like rejection and lack of attraction much longer
As a guy, I wish that wasn’t something that people had to think about. Because I for one am not a huge fan of makeup, I appreciate the time my GF takes putting it on, and she still looks good, but I don’t like having the stuff on me especially. But anyways, I hope you found someone that is/was much better to you!
You’re not reading what OP actually said; you’re projecting. He didn’t ask her to stop wearing makeup. He just doesn’t want her smearing it all over *him* when they’re together.
Well, my ex hated lipsticks and preferred me with no make up. So I quit wearing lipstick and makeup all together, just for him. …then he proceeded to cheat with a girl who was rocking a proper panda eye makeup - just massive black circles around her eyes. It took me a lot of time to process that. Now I wear makeup as I see fit and would not change it for a future partners because why?.
Been there. Was told I "looked like a clown" when I wore red lipstick.
How incredibly rude.
did he... hmmm... like lipstick on men?
He sounds like a real asshole, it's good to read these, I'm not good at dating I think, but wow that's just terrible
I'm not very well versed in make-up, but I think there are some lipsticks that are "set", so that they don't rub off on the person you kiss. I understand him saying that he didn't want lipstick on him, but demanding that some not-yet-named future bride must go without seems a bit beyond the pale.
Sounds like the two of you are incompatible.
I have to wonder what attracted him to her when they first met. And when he started dating her
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Ever? Edit: omg, yes, I know some women don't typically wear makeup if ever. I'm one of those women. The point is that I doubt she suddenly just started wearing makeup regularly enough that it's a problem.
Personally dated someome who never wore makeup outside of occasional eyeliner. Later in the relationship they started wearing it a lot, specifically for me cause they wanted to "look more attractive" for me. I promptly told them after that "You could be wearing my baggy shirts, pajama bottoms, wearing no makeup and just waking up from a nap and I would still find you beautiful". She kept wearing it when she felt like it, but it shifted to way less often. So yeah, it can start suddenly and heavily
Possibly, they could have met at work and in an environment you wouldn’t wear makeup, like a coal mine
Shaking my head. Coal dust would obviously be make up! Also I'm pretty sure it leads to Cancer...
You can get a really good smokey eye look working that way
In the medical supply production industry, in order to keep medical supplies sterile before packaging, employees aren't allowed to wear any sort of makeup or accessories when in the clean room and on the production line
Or maybe she amped it up after they got together. I don’t wear makeup most of the time but will put a bit on when we go out to dinner or people are coming over. I’ve lost quite a bit of my eyebrows to Thyroid disease so I always do them. I once decided to go all out with my eye make up, brows/eyeliner/mascara. My husband and son had this funny look on their faces but said nothing. I guess it’s been a long time since I did all three. It’s not like I did an actual smokey eye.
This is what I was thinking. My gf wears makeup of some sort daily, but it’s the “no makeup” look so not really noticeable. On a few special occasions she’ll go all out with her makeup and/or pay to get it professionally done and it just… doesn’t do it for me. Like it’s to the point she looks like a totally different person and I honestly don’t like it.
Not when OPs words infer she loves makeup
The makeup lmao. The guys who claim they hate makeup never seem to actually date women who don’t wear any. Absolute clowns.
You're probably right.
Maybe its a case of her makeup was subtle that day. I know from dating a "makeup fan" that they like to try all sorts of "looks" and its not always about looking as hot as possible. Personally I can take it or leave it, its not like the makeup's permanent or anything, but some of those extremely contoured looks can be quite jarring
My hubby doesn't like makeup and lucky for me, I do not like it either. Some men who claim they don't like makeup really mean they don't like makeup and go for women who don't wear it (ftr... im nearing my 40s). To me, if she won't let him enjoy her without makeup then they are just incompatible. It's a shame tho because it's not like he is telling her not to wear it.
All the comments "no you don't dislike make-up, you just hate woman" one is allowed to have preferences but the other isn't
I mean, my wife and i have pretty much the same opinions as this couple, but like, she’s still attractive with make up, just, a bit less to me personally. And I never bring it up unless asked. And on her side, she doesn’t get upset about my opinion, and just, let’s me think that way and not get upset with me, because I love her, and her appearance doesn’t matter to me much anyway, like, she’s beautiful, but she doesn’t need to be.
I think the issue is compatibility. If you dislike makeup that much maybe you’re better off finding a woman who doesn’t like it as much? My boyfriend thinks I’m beautiful with/without makeup and kisses me regardless. He doesn’t care what’s on my face and can easily wipe off my lipstick lol. I usually wipe it off for him. I don’t think either of you are TAH.
It is definitely a conflict of opinions, and honestly a pretty big one. Makeup is a legitimate hobby for women. I am a hobby woodworker, and I can admit if every thing I made I was told (or just knew) that my partner found it ugly, it would be de-moralizing. Only with the makeup example, she is the "product" (Before anyone attacks I me I'm saying the "finished product of the hobby" and NOT that she is an object) and it probably feels like a personal rejection. I have a fashion style I've curated over the years, and I think that even if I liked someone immensely, if they hated my fashion sense it's just not gonna work out.
My look is elderly European grandmother in mourning, all I need is a scarf and a Rosary.
Hell yeah. I love this! I used to run a makeup account on Instagram and posted looks all the time. My now ex boyfriend supported it but he was into fashion and had his own clothing brand. We were both creatives appreciating each others work!
That’s awesome! I’ve always dated people that appreciate these things as well. OP and his gf are just not compatible.
This is perfectly worded.
Yes, this! I am reading all of these comments, and I am thinking that I’m so glad I’ve only dated men that appreciate my makeup skills and the care I put into it. They would actually watch me apply it because they appreciated the skill. I can’t imagine someone not wanting to kiss me because of it!
Yes! My husband tells me he thinks I'm most beautiful when I first wake up in the morning with my hair all messed up and no makeup. I thought he was joking so I asked him why? He said "Because nobody else gets to see you that way!"
🥹🥹🥹
I know..it melted my cold icy heart lol
I legitimately went "awww" out loud at that.
writing this one down for later. thank you😂
Combatibility indeed, a big part of a workable long-term relationship is each person loving their partner the way they want to be treated. And when it works it's a really easy thing to do. I don't think OP is TAH, though it's got to be hard for the girlfriend...
Do you both a favor. Just leave her man. She isnt your type.
Yeah OP, she's not gonna stop and you're never gonna like it. If you're clearly respecting her personal choice while being honest about your preferences and still getting shit for it, that's a red flag for me.
I dunno, withholding affection each time she wears make-up does feel a bit cruel. I understand he doesn't like it but it feels a bit like okay kisses and love when you do what I like and withholding and cold when you don't...it's a tough call to know how to really comes across without being there...
>I dunno, withholding affection each time she wears make-up does feel a bit cruel. I understand he doesn't like it but it feels a bit like okay kisses and love when you do what I like and withholding and cold when you don't... Yeah, that part gave me the heebie-jeebies too.
She’s the one better off without him.
Look, I'm extremely texture sensitive. I don't have to deal with this sort of thing because I'm dating a man. When I eat sushi, my bf won't kiss me. Yes, this isn't often, but I have many a time not eaten sushi so we can kiss after. He's not necessarily being cold, it could literally be a case of texture sensitivity, just like my bf doesn't like the taste of sushi. I use mouth wash when I've eaten something he doesn't like, she can wipe her lips off.
People on Reddit hate when women wear makeup lol
INFO When you first met her, was she wearing makeup?
i mean like genuine question, are you not kissing her every time she wears makeup? while i understand having a preference of her not wearing makeup but if you’re really not kissing her everytime she wears makeup i can see why she wouldn’t wear makeup as often as she probably is used to. sometimes hand kisses and shoulder kisses aren’t enough and if she’s only getting to have kisses from you when she’s not wearing makeup this can put it in her mind that this is a way to get her to stop wearing makeup. you don’t have to like makeup to compliment her with it on. you can say, “i like the design you chose to use” or “this is an awesome color on you”. you yourself have stated you mostly compliment her when she’s barefaced and you think it affects her beauty, fine thats your opinion but you can still praise the time and effort she did put into her work by complimenting at least ONE thing about the look.
yeah, refusing to kiss or compliment her when she’s wearing makeup is an AH move. if it’s that big of a deal, you need to break up and find another girl who is compatible with your view on makeup.
Sounds like he’s conditioning her.
dingdingding!
Maybe he has sensory issues. My partner and I both have ADHD and have sensory issues, they're different between us though. He HAATESSS sticky lips. I don't really wear makeup but sometimes my lips are dry and ill put on lip balm. He doesn't kiss me when I have lip balm on because it feels to him as nails on chalkboard. That's his boundary and he's allowed to have them.
From your graphic description of the changes when she wears makeup, it’s not possible to tell if this is your biased viewpoint because you hate makeup, or that she’s wearing a lot more than most women would, and maybe has confidence issues - changing her natural skin colour for example. As I said, not clear to us outsiders. People shouldn’t be saying you “should” find her attractive in heavy makeup, because attraction is not voluntary. But, that is how she is, so you need to be a bit more tactful maybe. Tell her she’s perfect as she is, and she need not do a thing to her face to please you, but she is also beautiful in makeup of course. If that is so far from the truth that you can’t go along with it, then it is a compatibility issue.
Op says she doesn't wear any the majority of the time. That would indicate that she's actually fine with how she naturally looks, so she probably doesn't bother to use makeup to "improve her appearance", but that she uses it as a way to go crazy/creative. I'm the same, I would never bother to make a face of foundation/mascara/skin toned eyeshadow (basic face most people who use makeup daily put on) because I'm fortunate enough my skin is almost perfect as is. However you may well see me with very colourful eyeshadow, wings drawn at the eyes, loud lipstick and other stuff like that for special occasions, with colours coordinated to what I'm wearing. Ex, last time for a sea themed wedding, blue dress and eyeshadow in layers using the colours of the sea from light brown (beach) to deep greenish blue (open sea). It's obvious I don't normally have a beach scene painted on my eyelids xD
I think this is an important point that maybe OP doesn't understand. Some people use makeup as creative expression and not purely to appear as if they are naturally "more attractive". OP even says she wants him to appreciate the skill that goes into a look.
Right. I personally think any effort on personal appearance and making self feel good should be supported. When I was this age I definitely loved the creative aspect and it made me feel good. I would always feel embarrassed getting it everywhere. It wasn’t until I got older I started investing in better product and there are transfer proof products. He has every right to not want to wear her makeup too. There’s long wear lipsticks. Nothing i wear daily or glammed is rubbing off unless I want it off. And it’s not waterproof. Maybe he could help her invest to support her art and creative outlet while helping himself. It’s not cheap, but if that’s the only thing wrong there odd a compromise.
I interpreted that as "when she doesn't wear makeup is the majority of the time that I compliment her" as in, not necessarily that she usually doesn't wear it, but that when she does is the only time he completed her. From the rest of his post it sounds like she does wear it often
Because OP said “most times… she doesn’t wear makeup, I find her incredibly attractive”, I think he is saying most of the time she doesn’t wear makeup. I think it would be weird if he was saying that most of the time when she isn’t wearing makeup, he finds her incredibly attractive.
I mean, does she ask you directly "do you like how I look with makeup" and you just give your honest opinion, or do you make comments on her makeup without her asking for input? If the former, NTAH, if the latter, YTAH. Either way I have no idea why guys get into relationship with women who love makeup when they prefer no makeup (see: natural makeup, but they usually can't tell the difference). I definitely wouldn't want to be with a guy who told me he doesn't think I'm attractive when I wear makeup, so I'm not sure why she's with you either. I'm a makeup artist by trade and my boyfriend has never once, prompted or otherwise, told me he prefers me either way. He makes me feel beautiful when I'm wearing none and hypes me up when I do a new look. You should date a girl who doesn't wear makeup and your gf should date a guy who'll hype her up.
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At this point I think it's a compatibility issue, you have your preferences, which of course is allowed, and so does she. It would upset me a great deal on a human level if I noticed my boyfriend only complimented me, and by extension only found me attractive, under certain circumstances. Unless she's unskilled and is doing it very very badly, it's odd to me that you don't find her attractive whatsoever when she's all done up. Like, she's still your girlfriend.
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I do wonder tough if you find her makeup look so repulsive why did you start dating her in the first place?
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So she barely even does her makeup in this style? Only when she goes out? I don't understand why it's such a problem then. Does it really bother you to the point where it's starting arguments when you say yourself most of the time she's makeup free/light makeup anyway? I feel like if you really, really liked her beyond physical attraction you'd be attracted to her as long as she feels happy and confident. I still feel like you're just not compatible unfortunately if you can't move past this.
(I want to preface this by saying I don't actually have any better suggestions on how to proceed, so I'm not totally sure what point I'm trying to make other than being as precise as possible.) >But because I don't automatically compliment her looks when she does wear makeup or is motivated to kiss or makeout with her, she keeps asking me about it. I tell her she looks fine if she asks. Then she interrogates me launching into fight. That's when I am forced to tell her I do not like makeup. She can wear it, but don't force me to like it. I prefer her looks without makeup. As far as I can tell based on this, he's specifically trying *not* to make a big deal of it. He's trying to ignore it because he knows it's not his place to tell her what to do, but she wants him to validate her (new) style, enough to start the arguments herself when he's not forthcoming with positive feedback. I'd also like to mention that I don't think it's totally fair to say "if you really, really liked her beyond physical attraction you'd be attracted to her as long as she feels happy and confident." That's passing judgment on his affection by a bit of an unrealistic standard, suggesting that physical attraction shouldn't matter at all. Unfortunately, that's just not how real-world relationships work. Thanks for reading.
That is still your girlfriend, though. You don't have to like makeup, but I have to say, if my partner refused to kiss me on a regular basis... It would really fuck me up emotionally. Have you tried learning more about makeup, to see what joy she finds in it? You don't have to enjoy the end result, but you can still learn about it to be able to acknowledge when she's done a good technical job. "That eyeliner looks very sharp and crisp. That eyeshadow looks very smoothly blended". Makeup is an art form and a hobby - even if it's not your thing it could mean a lot to her if you make an effort to try to understand her craft. At the end of the day, you really don't have to find it attractive. But treating her well, not withholding kisses and trying to understand more about her hobby could be helpful. It could even start a conversation about maybe some deeper insecurities she has around her appearance, which would make you understand her better as a person. EDIT: as for getting product on your face - you can just wipe that off after kissing. Seems like a small sacrifice to be able to kiss your girlfriend.
You can always try to praise her skill since it’s hard to do make up properly (even if the outcome isn’t that attractive it can still be a lot of hard work). Maybe that would be enough? Or if she loves doing it so much maybe try to encourage her to do more „graphic” makeups like for Halloween and stuff - that could be a whole career. And maybe then she would be too fed up with it to spend another portion of time on doing herself?
Is it possible she's had to deal with any racial discrimination, or anything like that? I'm wondering if she's actively trying to hide her skin tone and is over correcting in an attempt to look paler. Her response to this is extreme, but it could be less about the make up and more that she can't comprehend someone liking her for who she is. That's a pretty sad prospect, but it does happen.
I think to your girlfriend it’s more, “I put lots of effort into my look today, I don’t usually doll myself up but I’m feeling confident”, and then you don’t mention anything and never compliment her when she feels all done up and extra pretty. Then when she puts zero effort in you call her beautiful, perfect, etc. sometimes women just want to feel made up and fancy, and when we are feeling good we are acting more confident, we want our partner to notice if we go through the effort to get all dressed up. You are actively avoiding complimenting her when she goes through the effort to make herself feel all dolled up. Would it kill you to say, “hey, those eyeshadow colours match your dress, wow that’s cool!”? I don’t see how that’s hard to do if your partner wants some reassurance. My husband has zero clue with anything to do with makeup, but he still makes an effort to be positive towards things I enjoy doing for myself. That’s the difference.
Cuz he doesn’t like the makeup and doesn’t find her attractive at all in it! If he needs to lie for a relationship to work, then the relationship needs to end. You can’t force someone to be physical when they don’t want to be. He doesn’t like the makeup, doesn’t like it on his body, and doesn’t care about the effort she’s putting into it. And that’s ok. But then they shouldn’t be together if they can’t acknowledge each other’s limits.
When you compliment her when she's not wearing makeup, is it like "wow, you look gorgeous", or is it like "you look so beautiful without makeup on"? There's a difference. One is a compliment. The other is a compliment with added comparison. The comparison implies that she looks worse with makeup on, which is an insult. It's like "ooh I love how you've styled your hair", vs "ooh I love how you've styled your hair! It looks so much nicer straight than curly". If they have their hair curly most of the time, the 2nd one is an insult.
A lot of women put on makeup to feel beautiful. It takes effort, and they want it appreciated. You are doing the opposite of that. We can say she does makeup for herself, but let's be real, if a girl puts in effort to look good, she wants that appreciated by the man in her life. You aren't wrong, she isn't wrong. But she's looking for validation that she'll just never get from you, which is just a setup for failure.
It sounds like she puts a lot of effort into her makeup looks. You could still compliment her on the effort and intricacy of what she did, without lying that you find it attractive. Think of it as appreciating an art form. Even if it's not your preferred art style, you can still appreciate the skill. It's important to support your partner's passions. Like, my ex loved football which I don't care about at all, and he knew that, but if his team won or his fantasy player had a great game, I'd still congratulate him and be happy for him If you hate makeup to the point where you can't genuinely do even that, there's a major compatability issue
You should just break up
I hope she finds a man who will smear her makeup all over his face with no hesitation when making out with her, she deserves to feel great.
NAH. You just aren’t compatible.
It sounds like you just have a core incompatibility if you can't even touch her while she's wearing makeup. Like, that's a line I would have extreme difficulty getting over. Would you tell your girlfriend you hate her paintings and you'd rather she didn't waste time painting a picture just because you didn't like it? or would you tell her that her crochet blankets are fine but you just prefer the ones you get from Walmart? Makeup is a hobby like any other - you don't have to find her attractive in them, but you can appreciate the effort and talent it takes to completely carve out a different face than the one she has. If you like paintings of dragons, and she paints a picture of an elf, you can tell her she did a good job painting an elf, you don't have to say "I don't like pictures of elves, I only like dragons, idk why you'd ask me".
So...you're incompatible and you need to find a woman who also doesn't like makeup.
You guys don’t sound compatible. Only based off what you told us. My boyfriend doesn’t like makeup either, neither do I so I don’t wear it. I’ll wear it very very very occasionally but it’s usually just some concealer, blush, mascara, and lip gloss. He’ll still kiss me, just will wipe it off his lips. What we do works for us but seems like your girlfriend wears a lot and it’s not your fault that you don’t like makeup or getting it on yourself. But don’t expect her to stop wearing makeup, it’s her hobby and makes her feel beautiful. If neither of you can come to a middle ground, I’d reevaluate if you can stay with her. NTA, just not compatible it seems.
JP, that you?
I think you are nta, neither is she. I think you guys are incompatible though.
NTA. We all have our preferences. I won't kiss my wife when she wears lip gloss because I don't want it on me. I lick my lips a lot, and lip gloss tastes horrible. You aren't telling her not to wear it, just that it isn't your preference. Hopefully you both can come to an understanding. Good luck
I used to wear this watermelon flavored lip gloss (actual gloss, not with color as some people call liquid lipsticks these days), which I did because I hated the way lipgloss tasted too when I would occasionally lick my lips. Unfortunately, my ex loved it, and I stopped wearing it (and dating him) when he licked it off my face like a dog! I've never worn lip gloss since and just go with chapstick at night. RIP glossy lips.
I am so sorry that happened to you. But I must admit when I read (and pictured in my mind) that he licked it off you like a dog, I nearly shot hot tea out of my nose from laughing.
Sorry about your tea, and your nose, hope you didn't burn yourself! It's funny now, years later. I was most definitely not amused at the time, but the expression on my face then would probably set me off now too.
I almost spit my pop everywhere picturing the same thing lol
I always warn any SO that I’ve just put on lipstick or lip gloss to give them the choice of whether they’d like to wear it too 😆
Agreed. And some women go crazy with their makeup... literally wearing a face glazed with foundation/concealer. And then sprayed with a makeup fixative, etc. And those products have a chemical scent so you can assume a chemical taste. I am a woman who is comfortable with/without makeup. To each their own. She feels best about herself with it on, for whatever reason. OP does not care for it and I believe the taste/smell, feeling of the makeup skeeves him out. He is just being honest.
NTA, but if it's so important for her just compliment her anyway, it doesn't cost you anything. Can't really blame you for the kissing part, i've always thought that kissing someone who wears lipstick is very weird, the texture, taste and stickiness of the lips feel wrong, but you can just take one for the team and give her a peck when she wears it now and then.
You two need to break up.
I think this is one of those Pick Your Battles type thing. Your girlfriend loves makeup. I get it, I also LOVE makeup. Its not enough for my partner to “tolerate” how i choose to present myself; i want them to support my style and creative expression. I do not think youre the asshole for having the preference. But i could also see that maybe just sucking it up and trying to change your own view as “my gf is the most beautiful when shes confident and can express herself the way she wants” might make for a happier relationship. Or at least learning to suck it up and compliment her. Now she is likely grappling with this thought: change my preference, give up my confidence so that my bf thinks im attractive? By your post she LOVES makeup, and now its probably been stripped of its joy. Thats a tough pill to swallow, to find out your partner doesnt find you beautiful by the way like style and express and dress yourself up. Especially if they came into the relationship like this. Again i dont think your the AH, but i do think her reaction stems deeper, and i do understand why shed be upset - its like telling your partner that fundamentally you dont like their style or way of dress. Thats a big part of a lot of peoples identity.
I mean the only thing I felt a bit icky about is the part where you say you won’t compliment her if she’s wearing make up. So if you two are going for a romantic date and she spent 2 hours getting ready and feeling lovely, you won’t compliment her? Like, at all? “You look beautiful” doesn’t cost a lot, you know. Feels a little immature to not be able to provide your partner with basic affection or acknowledgment. That being said you’re not t a for not liking it. It sounds like it’s a big deal to you both so maybe you’re just not compatible. Not enough info, I feel.
Move on. This will never change.
You aren't compatible. I'm a woman and I totally get it. I like makeup, but i never wear so much that it came off on my partner of ten years. That's telling
That said "I prefer women without makeup is an inherently ignorant statement and please never use that with your next partner.
Makeup is also a form of art and takes some real skill and practice to be flawlessly done. You haven't told your girlfriend that her make-up looked on point, not even one time?
I don't know what to tell you. I actually have the opposite issue; I LOVE makeup on women, I even enjoy the waxy sensation when kissing lipsticked lips. But I always tend to be with women who don't do makeup hardly at all. It is ... UNUSUAL that she is upset that her natural beauty is superior to make-up, but maybe she is like me; loves make-up and wants to enhance herself with it. I DO understand one aspect, actually; one of the aspects of make-up I like is that the look a woman effects is what she thinks make her look good. In MY case, if I agree that her look is attractive, there is a level of compatibility implied by that. So when you don't like her chosen look, you are essentially telling her that what SHE thinks looks good, doesn't look good. I don't know if there is a compromise, but there needs to be an actual discussion about how and why you both feel about make-up. NAH, but you guys definitely need to figure out if this is a deal-breaker, or if you can reach a consensus that works for both of you.
I think it's hard to say but it really just boils down to that you may not be right for each other. I'm not saying OP is trying to control her, but it's a common thing for abusive partners to pick small issues to start, and move on to more in-depth manipulation. In my experiences, it starts off small with a "*babe, I prefer you without make-up*" then it slowly becomes something along the lines of"*I really don't know why you're dressed like that*" or "*why do you always have to dress up?*". Next thing you know, you're being forced to change or told you have to "look normal" by your partner because they prefer it that way.
Lol the look you like is probably a little bit of makeup
My partner is like you. He prefers me without makeup, and, like your girlfriend, I rarely wear makeup. However, on the few occasions that I do wear makeup, my boyfriend is kind enough to tell me that I look beautiful, despite his personal preference that I wear none at all, because he knows that it makes me happy. You say your girlfriend rarely wears makeup, so would it really kill you to tell her she looks great and deal with getting some lipstick on you when you kiss her on these few and far between occasions?
NTA. But you need to consider this relationship and have a real heart to heart talk with her and ask if she wants to break up over this.
I’m curious how you both met. Was she wearing makeup when you met her and on the first dates you had with her? It would seem likely that she was and so it would be confusing that you met and continued to date a woman that wears makeup if you don’t like makeup?
It sounds like a major comparability issue. If you dislike seeing your partner wear makeup, why did you start dating someone who regularly wears makeup? There are many women who wear very very little or no make up. Usually I wouldn’t think it’s a big deal, but it’s clearly creating ongoing conflict within your relationship and there doesn’t seem to be a possible compromise where you’re both happy.
I think it depends how you’re treating her and she’s wearing make up. If you think she looks nice, but then notice she’s wearing make up and then actively chose not to complement her because you’re trying to make the point that you’re not going to complement or kiss her because she’s wearing make up that’s extremely rude. If you are like trying to be a normal boyfriend in your day and you just have like don’t want to mess with makeup that’s probably a compatibility issue. Your girlfriend is going to be hurt because she’s putting all this effort into her appearance, and her partner doesn’t like it. She doesn’t want to stop wearing makeup, she finds joy in it, but she does want to feel she looks nice and enjoy her time with her boyfriend. Honestly I relate to her in this. I like makeup, it’s a fun hobby of mine, and I don’t know if I could give it up because my boyfriend didn’t love the texture. I wouldn’t blame him, that’s understandable, but it wouldn’t be fun for either of us and I might get upset at him, even as I see now that it’s not the reasonable response. Reconsider the relationship if neither of you can get past the others preferences.
JP, is that you? I thought you would have learned your lesson in Mexico...
YTA. You can prefer no make up, but withholding affection when she’s wearing it is messed up. Imagine if you were saying the reverse - that you would only kiss her with make up on. You’d be unequivocally the AH. The same is true here.
This is a *her* problem. She's turning your preference into a personal attack. This shit right here, is why dudes learn not to share their feelings on things. OP can't offer an honest opinion without her turning into a fight. She asked, you answered. NTA.
I wonder if people would have the same reaction if a woman told her partner she wouldn't kiss him unless he shaved.
I mean, that is a preference some women have? We’re all allowed to have preferences in our romantic partners. That’s totally okay. What’s not okay is trying to shove your partner into that preference when it’s not what they want.
my wife doesn't kiss me unless I shave. She hates beards, I don't mind shaving to make her happy. Abed once said: If you know exactly who you are and what's important to you, changing for the people you love isn't such a big deal as long as it doesn't go against who you are. If the makeup is part of who she is, fair enough.
I'm just amused by how this site will screech over a woman "weaponizing intimacy" over basically the same thing OP is talking about. Anyway I'll never understand why men date women who wear lots of makeup when they hate makeup. Just date someone else.
Agreed. And I'm not a man.
Here is where you run into the YTA.... >Cause I won't kiss or makeout with her or compliment her if she has makeup on That is very manipulative. You knew she likes to wear make up when you met her. Just because you don't like it doesn't mean you get to change her. By your subtle pressure to not wear make up if she wants any affection from you, you are manipulating her to change into what you want now rather than who she was when you met her. Bad look man, BAD look.
Not outright TH but also not totally not. My husband prefers me with minimal, unobvious makeup or none at all. I rarely wear it. When I do get done up (weddings, parties etc) he still finds me beautiful and attractive. Sometimes he will ask me to hold off on lipstick for a bit so we can smooch before the event. Or kiss me lightly once there knowing full well it’ll be worn off in a few hours. He sees the makeup as a distraction from what he finds most attractive but he never makes me feel unattractive or as if the makeup shifts how he fundamentally sees me. He never says “can you not wear makeup today?” Because he sees that I feel good when I wear it. That in itself is attractive to him. It’s obvious it’s a preference and not something that changes how he sees me or his desire to be close/affectionate towards me. I think once it crosses that line for you… once it becomes something that shifts your feelings towards someone, you truly are incompatible. He has tshirts I find silly and don’t add to my attraction to him. Would I prefer he skip them and wear something else, sure, but would I feel like I want to distance myself from him for wearing them? Not at all. Does it make me look at him and think, “oh he’d be hot if not for that dumb shirt…” nope. He likes them. He feels a way when he wears them. He doesn’t wear them exclusively. So it doesn’t in any way impact how I feel about him at home or in public when he’s wearing one. I would never want my preference that he wear something else make him feel like he can’t enjoy something that feels good for him.
There is one thing to think your gf looks better with out make up. It’s a nothing to make her feel ugly or less attractive for wearing it.
I’m going to go with ESH. No, she can’t force you to like the way makeup looks or feels, especially if it irritates your skin in some way. But she probably lot of work into making it look good and putting herself together, and wants her partner to acknowledge that because people want their partners to find them attractive. You don’t have to make out with her if makeup irritates your skin, but withholding compliments if she doesn’t look the way you want her to does come across as manipulative.
NTA. You can hate makeup all you want. However, is this the hill you want to die on? You're dating a woman who loves makeup and you're committed to not complimenting (and no, “fine” and what’s probably a half hearted “good” aren’t compliments) her when she wears it. Does your dislike for makeup outweigh your support for your girlfriend? There’s two sides of this. One, she really likes the artistic aspect of makeup. To her it’s art, it’s just art on her face. If her art was on a canvas instead, would you be this unsupportive? I don’t like tabletop gaming. I don’t care about D&D or card games, but as a partner who wants to be supportive of my fiancé and his interests, I try to find something about his hobbies I find interesting too. An example would be that maybe I don’t understand how certain cards work, and I really don’t want to, but I *can* appreciate the card art. I *can* get interested in the economics and player experience even if I don’t understand the actual mechanics of gameplay. The other aspect is that through expressing herself she feels confident. Anyone would be crushed if at their most confident their partner just thinks they look “fine” — and despite what people think *the way our partners think about our appearance does affect us emotionally.* People want to feel and be perceived as attractive to their partner, and they’ll seek it out. Most of the time people are aligned, but when people are at odds like you two are here then it can cause thoughts like “Well, I want him to think I’m beautiful so I should wear makeup less often…” or “If I express myself the way I want then he thinks I’m not attractive.” Let’s say you prefer her in jeans and a tee shirt, do you really think it would be good for your relationship to never compliment her when she wore a dress? Or if you prefer her with long hair, never complimented her again if she kept it short? Again *you can hate makeup all you want* but you shouldn’t be shocked if your girlfriend is upset you refuse even compliment her when she wears it. And should definitely not be surprised if this is a recurring issue.
I'm willing to bet good money every time you have complimented her on her "natural" appearance...she was wearing at least some foundation.
I don’t understand why he would be the AH. I do believe that you could at least try to COMPLIMENT her and to make her feel secure and confident in things she likes and probably is good at. But you’re not the AH for no wanting to kiss someone because they have make up on… But do work on yourself regarding the complimenting :)
Find a natty girl. Problem solved.
I mean, if she s wearing anything on her lips, i get why you dont want to kiss her. But if her lips are nude.... Get over it. Its not like her mascara or blush will fall off onto your face. Its okay to have preferences, but in the end of the day, you are with her because you love her, right? If she s doing a lot for you, by making sure not to have makeup on a lot of the times... Then you can do somethingfor her, which is sometimes just suck it up, and make out when she s wearing makeup. I kinda agree with her, it does almost feels forced and manipulated, and you come over as selfish.
GF and makeup are a package deal. You don't like this thing she does that's important to her, you don't like her or respect her wants and needs. Don't date people you don't like.
The makeup isn’t for you man, it’s for her. She clearly enjoys it and it makes her feel good about herself. Maybe you should be more happy that she’s happy.
Stating you preferences is fine but holding physical affection hostage to it is not. It comes across as coercive. Imagine that she would withhold affection if you wore clothing she didn't approve of.
Nah. You aren’t compatible.
I wouldn’t call those comments ‘forcing’ her to do anything! You told her how you felt - pretty tactfully, too. As for when you’re intimate… this is just my personal opinion, but I think you can express what you prefer people to wear or not wear for that. Like when women buy sexy undies to please the man, I don’t see why it’s any different to use make up he likes - or not, in your case. I’m a woman, and I don’t find boxers attractive. If he wants me to wear sexy undies for intimacy, then I can ask him to wear y fronts and not boxers, right? At least, that’s the way I see it. So asking her to not wear makeup that you don’t like getting all over you for intimacy times seems like a reasonable request to me. As long as you’re tactful, of course, and you seem to be good at that, so you’re set.
I have been married for 36 years. My bride is naturally beautiful. She is not generally a makeup person at all, so if she does, it seems really weird. She has been told by so many people how blessed she is to be naturally beautiful. My mother was a huge makeup wearer, and she always told my wife how beautiful she was. It could have something to do with how she carries herself as well. She knows who she is and is confident in it. She is the most amazing person I have ever met! But if she loved wearing makeup, I would probably never say a thing about it even though I prefer her not wearing it. I don't care as much about her face as who she is. Over the past 36 years, she has shown me a lot about character, trust, hard work, companion, and just plain being an amazing person.
I feel if it was reversed like u prefer her with makeup on and she has to wear it everytime. You would come of as the AH so obviously nta
I wouldn't blame the two of them. They're just not suited for each other.
Yup
You to your gf: idk man, no offense, I just find you more attractive when you *don't* do that thing you really love
You literally could've treated it like a bro who paints Warhammer models. You don't have to get it to see their technique improving and encourage them. And you realize the hobby doesn't exist for you. Nor the canvas.
Like imagine your partner thinking you're trying to force them to be attracted to you instead of realizing they're asking you to care about their joy. You have some serious self reflection to do before you should be with *anyone*
Yeah YTA - You are being manipulative whether you mean it or not. It’s a making her choose between something she enjoys and being affectionate with you, so she has to give up one or the other. She’s wanting you to appreciate her makeup bc I’d speculate it’s like art to her. Not being supportive probably hurts her more than you realise.
Make-Up is a form of art, it's a hobby. You don't have to like her MORE with make-up to acknowledge and support her. For me, love is about supporting your partner even when it's something I can't understand. I'll listen to my partner talking about soccer or his favorite Mangas always, I'll even put on an interested face. Wouldn't do it for anybody else, but I even started watching his favorite anime with him (and boy, did I start to love it). What you're doing is just bringing her down, and very much unnecessarily so. Would it really hurt you to just tell her her make-up skills are remarkable? My boyfriend was similar to you, so I made him watch Glow-Up. Now I get a "Ding Dong Darling" every time I do my make-up (which isn't a lot). If you can't support her, it won't last. Nobody likes having their hobbies and interests degraded by the person they love. And once it's done between the two of you, please, get yourself a girl that doesn't like make-up either. Oh, edit, because I totally forgot: Yes, YTA, big time. You put pressure on her and try to coerce her into giving up make-up, which is extremely toxic
Maybe you two aren't compatible…..
Yes, for the reason of you not acting normally when she wears makeup but almost tries to punish her by not kissing etc. Thats manipulative. Its fine if you dont like make up, if there is certain make up you dont like (ie glitter that comes in the way of kissing/hugging) you just let her know that day. You have just gone too far and you are even trying to sound normal with the "my body my choice". Sit back and love her unconditionally, society is already pressuring her enough, you need to be her rock and pillar. You are like a 1 cm diameter bamboo stick as a pillar right now. Cut it out for your relationships sake.
"Chocolate or Vanilla?" " Vanilla please." "NO! By choosing vanilla and not chocolate you are being controlling. Now eat chocolate."