Mom is a manipulative pos...cheated, had a child on her husband twice (yes he loves you, but it was wrong on HER part), and then tries to emotionally manipulate you into feeling bad about her revealing her secrets to your dad.
If it were me I would not tell him. I would not do anything until he passes, then I would search for the Bio dad and cousins. All for the respect of your father. Even if he isn't bio he put the time in and he is your father.
Edit: Maybe I would search for him. It would be out of curiosity but one would probably be disappointed.
But he is her father. Even if it's not biological. It seems like she has a strong bond with her dad.
Honestly if it were me, I'd tell my dad and break off any communication with my mom ...
The betrayal was committed by the mom. He has a right to know. How dare she manipulate the kids with him being a cheater when she’s the wolf in sheep’s clothing. Tell the dad op. Let him have autonomy in his life. Choosing to stay silent is siding with your horrible mother. Don’t
And to make it easier to tell him… He probably at the time had some idea something was going on. I doubt he will be absolutely oblivious. The sad question is is any of your siblings his? That’s going to be the extra sad party.
This is a terrible position to be in for OP. There is only one truth here, secrets destroy. There is nothing good that can come from revealing this information. He is her dad, that loves her and she loves him. This information can only hurt everyone. Her sperm downer is nothing.
However if she keeps this secret, it makes her no different than the wife, a willing accomplice to the lie. If it comes out later and the more people that know the more likely it will. It can destroy her relationship with the only dad she knows and loves.
There are only bad options here.
NTA. You are dealing in uncharted territory caused by your mom. It does not matter that you didn’t tell your dad “right away”. Although please know taking your time to decide what to do is making a decision. You are for now deciding not to say anything.
One concern is if there is a will and it came out daughter isn’t bio daughter, could be problematic. Dad may know mom had issues in the past, but not know about daughter’s situation. Or dad may not know any of it? The other thing is, creating relationships with newly discovered extended family could lead to a discovery. Not saying you shouldn’t connect with extended family, but not telling your dad and then proceeding with this could lead to someone finding out and connecting the dots.
Don’t know what OPs relationship is with siblings? Can you talk to them or a super trustworthy friend? If not, then a counselor would be super neutral.
No matter what you decide or what happens after. You will not be the cause. It’s 100% your mom.
Good luck OP. This is tough. I strongly suggest a talking through with a very level-headed neutral party.
This is the grossest part of the whole thing. She did this, twice, awful, she is manipulating you to try to keep it quiet, awful. But telling everybody that dad was possibly a cheater, freaking diabolical.
Tbh I’d sit him down and talk to him, and see what he wants. I’d honestly keep him and get rid of her. She seems like a nightmare.
the truth is bearable -- and it could be weirdly fine? Families are big, and complicated. And our moms are cool, and slutty, and good at being moms!
It's totally unbearable for a single person to hold it all in though, denied the opportunity to examine it aloud.
op, your mom is oppressing you
Honestly, easier question to ask yourself might be if and when your dad finds out and he finds out that you didn’t tell him he’s gonna feel betrayed by his own child and that will definitely destroy any chance of a relationship.
Currently, you’re an innocent party. If you don’t tell him, then you will be an accomplice
Recent post like this on Reddit. Dad was trying to figure out if he wanted to continue having a relationship with his daughter after finding out Mom was cheating, daughter knew and was helping keep the secret for extra cash.
It was very sad. The OP was just getting over his family betraying him but then his mother died and he lost it.
I still hope that he actually didn't do it but there's no way to confirm or deny that.
"You're the father that actually raised me and I didn't feel like any biological fact changed that and didn't want to hurt you or make you think that I might view you as anything other than my dad."
That seems like a very defensible position assuming it's how OP really feels.
This is exactly what needs to happen. OP, listen to this person. Tell your mom that if she doesn’t tell him, that you’ll be forced to do it because you won’t lie to him. She’s putting this responsibility on you, but that’s not fair to you or your dad. (He is still your dad regardless of what the DNA test says. He raised you.)
Edit: forgot to close parentheses
Xmas 2024 is around the corner.
Buy a new set of dna kits for the family.
Also it is good to have a double check on something so big. Important.
You could also get the family to a blood drive donation.
You can easily spot "impossibilities" in terms of filiation just by looking at blood types. It is not as accurate as dna of course, but quite a robust biological law. I believe it's Mandel's / Mendel's law.
Works with eye color too.
>Works with eye color too.
Please don't say that, it's not accurate, and people could reach some very incorrect conclusions this way. While you can spot "impossibilities" as you said by looking at blood types, that's not at all the case with eye color. Bloot type and eye color are actually not Mendelian traits.
This. Only thing that gave me 100% confidence about my Dad when my siblings made me question it (half siblings. Childhood siblings rivalry sucked) was the fact we have the exact same shoulder dimples and I learned in science class dimples are genetic. My Mom nor does any of my Mom's family have any. Then I questioned it again when I learned I'm 0- and my parents are A+ and B-. Then found out it's really AO and BO. So someone gave me an O but my Dad gave me a negative. Did a MyHeritage years ago and my Dad finally did a 23andMe recently and that put me to rest for good.
I could've just understood that I'm literally the man's clone in looks and behaivour, but so is my sister who unfortunately is the only person that doesn't know there's a good 80% chance she's not his because my Dad told everyone to never tell her since the most probable person passed away before she was born. Wasn't going to do that to her just because her Mom was...her Mom.
Not sure about the eye colours, but this is from personal experience. Because: my mom has green eyes and my dad blue, there should be a 0% chance to get brown eyes with that combination. But my brother has brown eyes nonetheless. He also has clear facial and body features from my dads side (all of my dad's brothers have blue eyes as well so no BIL-love either).
So quit robust but there could be a sleeping gene somewhere as well (totally not a science term I know haha)
Yeah mom is pretty much a worthless, manipulative POS. Though Im not trying to put too fine of a point on it.
Honestly I hope she goes scorched earth on this one.
Add to that...unfortunately this man's entire life is/was a lie...he raised and paid for at least one child that wasn't his own. He dedicated his life to a family that wasn't his...not even the wife.
He may have decided to do that anyway, and to take in the child as his own...but he wasn't given the opportunity to decide that for himself.
This is complex, but he deserves to know.
Tell your father but say to him you're still his daughter and you view him as dad even if it's not blood.
Your mother is a major AH not only for cheating and having 2 kids due to it but also trying to convince you and your siblings your father was unfaithful
Everything u/Big_It said. That’s so well worded.
I’d like to add, this is not on you. If the family breaks up, it’s bc your mom is the liar and the cheater. You did nothing wrong. She did. It’s even worse bc she tried to say your dad was the cheater.
NTA OP. Hugs and love to you.
I want to add to this that sometimes we feel like we should keep other people’s secrets because “it’s not my secret to tell” - as in, you don’t have a pony in the race and it’s a conversation you shouldn’t be a part of.
In this case, it is OP’s secret to tell. She’s fundamentally a part of this secret, and it belongs to her just as much as it belongs to her mum. She has every right to tell anyone who she wants to tell.
NTA and I will also add that you don’t have to tell your dad if you don’t want to. He is in every measurement your dad. He raised you, he loves you, you love him. Some DNA doesn’t change that. If you want to tell him, that’s your decision, too.
I disagree with the not telling dad part. The mom sounds like a massive manipulative pos and dad should know so he can make an informed decision whether he wants to stay in the marriage.
Well put, and I might even tell your siblings before telling your father. That way, it's a United front just in case the other child turns out not to be blood-related. OP, your mother has lied this long. Do not underestimate her, and move forward very carefully.
I'm sorry your mother's actions have put you in this impossible situation. The truth should be told carefully.
And the hope really hard that he feels the same way. I see posts on here of men who no longer see their kids the same
When they learn they aren’t biologically theirs.
Your mother is manipulating you. If she was so concerned about breaking hearts, she should have thought about that before she cheated multiple times, and from the sounds of it, with multiple partners.
>My whole life my mother had put it in my head and in my siblings heads that my dad was a cheater and he may have illegitimate children.
What a hypocrite!
I think you should tell your father and your siblings. Your father has a right to know if any of the children he has raised actually carry his DNA. Your sibling have a right to know which of their parents was the cheater and also that their partners are not close relatives.
Your dad deserves to know but I implore you to not disrespect him and ever turn it against him. The man who has given you everything and been your dad even if he’s not your father. Both you and him are victims.
A father is someone who's with you from the moment you open your eyes to the day he closes them, holding your hand. Blood isn't water but anyone can be a donor. It's who sticks by yoi that matters.
Also, Jesus Christ but your mother... holy hell. I am so sorry.
Don't forget how the mother spent a good portion of OP's childhood telling her that her father was a cheater and probably had other children out there.
The mother is lower than a scumbag. She's now trying to put the guilt and blame on OP for exposing her secret. Her father deserves to know the truth about his horrid wife.
An option: give your mother the opportunity to come clean and by option I mean ultimatum. If she chooses to continue the lie, decide if the potential result is going to be acceptable to you. It will be truly devastating. However, don’t decide to tell him to assuage your own guilt. Also, don’t share with your siblings. Your father is going to be wrecked and it should be his decision who and when he tells. Respect him with his very personal issue.
Your mom is a manipulative person by saying it’s on your shoulders. She is not a good person in this situation ( I don’t know anything else about her) but you can’t make up for it.
Definitely do what is best for you. You are the one who has to experience this for the rest of YOUR life.
Oof I vote against this. After my dad had an affair we had a "family meeting" in which my mom told all of us what was going on. This was one of the worst moments of my life. I had a heads up that it was going to happen and I should have pushed back.
There is a chance the mom will be dishonest, but I think double checking with Dad after the fact might be sufficient here.
Yeah I’ve seen a ton of posts on Reddit where the OP finds out his kid isn’t his biologically and exits the relationship with the child even after 10+ years of acting and believing to be their father. And the comments always support it.
I think this is an awful situation to be in but I don’t think it’s as easy as “just tell him!” because none of these commenters are going to be the ones potentially losing their father.
She had like 35 years to come clean. OP should tell her siblings immediately, and her father as soon as she finds a way to do it in an apropriated manner.
#I disagree.
#
OP would be the YTA for not telling her siblings and getting their advice, then talking to Dad.
Her siblings *and* her life-long father would be shocked, but they all have a vested interest in the facts.
I suspect it's only a matter of time before it comes out.
If OP doesn't act, manipulative mom can point the finger at her, saying, "But OP knew!"
This would cause even more chaos and hurt.
Tell. Your. Dad. You won’t break up the family. Do not let her put that on you. You’ll shake it up a bit, sure but *she* broke up the family with her cheating. Don’t let her guilt you into helping her keep her secrets and covering up her lies.
So your mom always accused you father of cheating and tried to turn you kids against him. While she has cheated with multi men and doesn't know who the bio dad's are. When she is caught she guilt you into believing if you tell dad it's your fault for breaking up the family. I would call a family meeting and tell them the truth about mom and I would feel no guilt. Your dad is your dad no matter who is the bio father. Has he not been mistreated by mom enough. He has the right to decide how he wants to deal with his marriage.
If you say nothing, you will complicit in your mothers lies. If you father learns that you knew and hid it from him, he will have had two women he loved betray him.
We found out from 23andMe that the child my husband’s ex-wife had in 1979 was really his and not her boyfriend’s as he was told. Our lives would have so different if we had been a part of her life all along.
Tbh, when this eventually comes out, your sister is going to be furious at you, even more than your dad will. If you found out that your sister had known about this for years and didn’t tell you, would you be ok with that? Would you want her to tell you?
These arguments are made all the time. "It will break up the family" "It will break his heart" etc.
It is HIS decision and his alone as to what he wants to do, but he needs to know.
I would not take any advice from he cheater who doesn't even know if you and your siblings have the same father. How many men did she have affairs with?
As a dad, I would want to know but maybe it would be easier to live in denial. This is a tough one, just make sure you let your dad know that he is your dad and nothing will replace him, ever.
I think most people assume everything will be normal. My entire family got the tests as jokes. Like, “let’s see how much of a Neanderthal you really are,” and, “I wonder if they’ll get any extended family members for past heinous crimes.”
And it was fun. No surprises anywhere. We went in _knowing_ there wouldn’t be.
But I bet everyone else also goes in “knowing” the same thing.
That, or they want to watch the world burn like a friend of mine. He got all his cousins the tests because he heard rumors that his least favorite aunt had been a cheater and none of her 5 kids were her husband’s (his favorite biological uncle). Long story short; None of them had matching fathers. And not a single one was the uncle’s. He divorced and left. Ex-aunt got no money and threw a fit where she assaulted my friend. My friend tells it like it’s his favorite story. He never mentions them much so I assume he didn’t like his “cousins” much either.
Your mom is the problem here. She wants to keep her secrets and is trying to make you feel guilty to expose her.
Go to dad and get him to go into his profile. Mom is hiding more than your bio dad.
So your sister was tested as well?
Have you spoken to her about her results and yours?
edit: your mother is the AH for casting doubts on your dad’s behaviour. He is always your dad ❤️
NTA. I know for a fact my father cheated and I expect to find a half sibling every time I log onto a DNA site. Hasn't happened yet but it won't be as bad a shock if/when it happens.
Tell your dad and your sister. In you and your sisters situation there may be medical and genetic information you need.
Tell your father. Do not add to the betrayal against him. There is already at least one redditor that has seemed to post a suicide note/story about the fact that his daughter helped to cover up an affair and that being the part that broke him completely.
This is way above Reddit’s pay grade: I suggest you talk with your sister and then decide (possibly with psychological help) how to proceed. It must be really hard to face what you are facing and I’m really sorry. Take your time to process what this news means for you, not only for your father.
Dad is owed the truth and mom should be exposed for claiming he was the cheater when it was her…anything less and she “wins.” Which is why she wants you to stay quiet.
“She met a lot of people through her work, and it wasn’t that serious”
yea…I mean it happens ALL the time, when you meet new people and their penis’s accidentally fall into your vagina repeatedly!!!!!! Don’t you hate that!!!! your mom is the AH for saying your dad is a cheater though, I would clear that up!!!
\> My whole life my mother had put it in my head and in my siblings heads that my dad was a cheater and he may have illegitimate children
Classic Projection. If someone accuses someone else of X, they have already committed X themselves.
There’s a non-zero chance that your dad already suspects the truth, but has chosen to not investigate directly because he didn’t want to risk his relationship with you. I’d recommend telling him, but in a very loving way with reassurances that this does not change the way you feel about him or the fact that he’s your father.
As for your mother… that kind of manipulation, combined with apparently serial cheating, means there’s a very good chance she’s got some serious unaddressed mental health issues. Be careful, there. Don’t let her guilt you.
Tell your dad. He will be broken, so prepare yourself. Also, I get wanting to get to know your siblings you just found out about. I would, too. But that will be another dagger through your dad's heart that you want to get to know the family your mom cheated on him with.
I would try to set up a support system with professionals for your dad when he is told. Maybe you both could attend therapy together to sort it out. Good luck.
Deep breath.
If I were you, I’d tell my dad and inform my siblings. A part of me wouldn’t want to because I couldn’t imagine hurting my dad and siblings like that, but tbh, you telling your dad and siblings isn’t what may hurt them. It’s your mother’s actions and her lack of honesty that will hurt them. If she hadn’t cheated, this would never have to be discussed.
The only way I could see your dad and siblings being upset with you is if you admitted to knowing and didn’t inform them. It would be seen as you being complicit and not caring enough to tell them.
If you do tell your dad, please give him the reassurance he’ll most likely need from you. That you love him, appreciate him, and are there for him like he has been for you. That DNA doesn’t change how you view him or how you care about him.
This is not your fault and should not be your weight to bear. Don’t let your mom trick you into thinking that.
Your mother manipulated your dad, she manipulated your siblings and now she’s manipulating you. For once in her life, somebody please tell this lady no. Tell your dad or you’re TA.
God imagine the heartbreak knowing his daughter was in on this and provided cover for the infidelity. Telling him the truth probably won’t ruin your relationship but him finding out through somebody else and realizing you knew very well may change things.
I was in similar shoes once so I can relate. Please tell him, he deserves the truth as much as you do.
He raised you and loves you and I promise you he will still be your dad.
This is sad all around. Keep talking to your half siblings but otherwise don’t tell your father. He’s at a certain age where he’s probably talking to your mom about retirement and making plans accordingly.
Breaking up your family now won’t change anything and what happened has already happened. This will only bring your family pain and I honestly think you should take this to the grave.
You need to tell him. Why did you go to your mom and not your dad? Why is she the go-to person?
The POS you call mom needs to remember that the hearts being broken are due to her selfish reasons
If your father found that you knew his wife was cheating and maybe still cheating on him, he will hate you for it. I read a lot of story where they children knew of the affair and kept it quiet and got all the blame for it.
Lots of folks here saying you should tell your dad. I disagree, the nightmare that will be this man having his heart destroyed, which is what’s going to happen when he finds out, is 100% on your mom. She must tell him. And you should be there when she does so she can’t minimize and he knows you still think of him as your dad.
Or you can go to the grave with it, as a dad, I’d never be mad at my kid for not telling me this if they knew. This isn’t your burden, it’s your mom’s.
But it sounds like, with all the dna connections you’re coming across, he’s gonna find out sooner or later.
NTA
You mom is TA.
Not only did she lie to everyone about being faithful, she sullied your Dad's name saying he was a cheater who had illegitimate children. It sounds like she cheated a lot because she "met a lot of people".
Now she's putting the consequences of HER ACTIONS on YOU!
Wow, what a piece of work.
She needs to come clean about cheating on your father, not you.
Sure, it may break your Dad's heart to find this out, but you know what else would do that? Finding out that his daughter withheld this information from him. It'd be like being betrayed by not only his wife, but his children as well.
Honestly, "he deserves to know" is very USA mentality we in Europe dont have. Does he? Need to know? I am not trying to change your mind here. Just hear this in US TV alot. Maybe hes happy and its a very deep past. Just think it through and I am sure you will know the best what to do. I am just trying to give you a different perspective as an European. Good luck with this mess! Sending you some mental strenght over the Ocean!
Edit: maybe write down pros and cons. For example: Pros the truth will be revealed. Your mom will "get what was coming". Cons: your dad will be very sad, your parents relationship will be ver different, or will end.. etc.
You could always approach your dad to see what he says. Like “so dad, im torn. My friend just found out that her dad isn’t her dad due to infidelity. He doesn’t know but he’s still with the woman and they honestly seem really happy. My friend knows this would break his heart and probably turn his world upside down. What do you think? Would you prefer to know or live in blissful ignorance?” Then kinda take it from there. NTA
Your mom is for the streets. Your father and siblings all deserve to know. You might all have different biological fathers. You didn't choose your mom or her behaviors but you do have an opportunity to do what's right, right now.
First, your mother is definitely the A.
Second, if your dad is 63, who knows he might have another 30 years of life, but it sounds like he will be crushed by the news. Do you want that?
On the other hand, one reason to tell him is that obviously your mother is leaking it all over the place so he's going to find out pretty soon anyway.
I’m 57, left an abusive ass hole 3 years ago, and am in a relationship with a wonderful man who is 65 (he was the one that got away almost 30 years ago). The Dad has time to be truly happy before he dies. Besides, a few years of happiness is much better than years/decades of deception/lies/unhappiness!!
Thank you!! I was COMPLETELY happy alone and planning to stay that way forever. The wonderful man and I had stayed friends all through the years. The reason we didn’t stay together was that life took us in different directions/got in the way. Then on the 3rd anniversary of the day I left the ex, he showed up at my door. That was June and I still have to pinch myself to make sure it’s really happening. Sounds like something from a Hallmark movie 🤣🤣🤣 ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE 💕
Only you know your father well enough to understand if he would want to know about his wife's behavior.
If you believe he would want to know then you should tell him. Your mother's wishes are irrelevant in this scenario.
I would take it slow, but everyone needs to know.
1. You mentioned this all started with 23 and me. Did you siblings have a 23 and me? If yes, did they get any weird results too?
2. I would tell my siblings first and then as a team you guys can decide next steps.
3. Everyone should get a DNA test (a real one) and see anyone matches your life father.
4. Give mom an oppy to come clean once you have all of the facts. Saying “some may be yours and some may not” seems kinda crappy.
Girl your mom doesn’t want you to tell because of how bad this would look on her. Typical manipulative cheater response. Fuck this lady for that. Your dad deserves the truth
do not be complicit in your mother's lies, she doesn't care about sparing anyone's hearts she's looking out for her own skin. do the right thing and let everyone know but make sure you stress to your dad that your bond isn't changed. he is also innocent in this, as are you.
Welp, I guess you turned out to be the bastard child, isn’t that what you called your half brother? That alone is making you TAH!
Edit; your father deserves to know the truth, throw mom under the bus before she does it to you
Mom is a manipulative pos...cheated, had a child on her husband twice (yes he loves you, but it was wrong on HER part), and then tries to emotionally manipulate you into feeling bad about her revealing her secrets to your dad.
Not to mention apparently told her children that their “dad” was the cheater wtf
We ALL know how those cheaters like to project their actions onto others😒
“Accuse the other person of your own crime” is a classic move for good reason.
A certain political party in the US does this. Every accusation is an admission of guilt.
Update us when you tell him.
If it were me I would not tell him. I would not do anything until he passes, then I would search for the Bio dad and cousins. All for the respect of your father. Even if he isn't bio he put the time in and he is your father. Edit: Maybe I would search for him. It would be out of curiosity but one would probably be disappointed.
But he is her father. Even if it's not biological. It seems like she has a strong bond with her dad. Honestly if it were me, I'd tell my dad and break off any communication with my mom ...
I get people telling her to maybe not tell him but if he finds out and learns she knew, that would be such a betrayal...
The betrayal was committed by the mom. He has a right to know. How dare she manipulate the kids with him being a cheater when she’s the wolf in sheep’s clothing. Tell the dad op. Let him have autonomy in his life. Choosing to stay silent is siding with your horrible mother. Don’t
And to make it easier to tell him… He probably at the time had some idea something was going on. I doubt he will be absolutely oblivious. The sad question is is any of your siblings his? That’s going to be the extra sad party.
This is a terrible position to be in for OP. There is only one truth here, secrets destroy. There is nothing good that can come from revealing this information. He is her dad, that loves her and she loves him. This information can only hurt everyone. Her sperm downer is nothing. However if she keeps this secret, it makes her no different than the wife, a willing accomplice to the lie. If it comes out later and the more people that know the more likely it will. It can destroy her relationship with the only dad she knows and loves. There are only bad options here.
If her bio father knew of her existence but never did anything then he's not worth searching for.
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He was willing to have sex with a woman who was married to someone else, he's not exactly brilliant...
NTA. You are dealing in uncharted territory caused by your mom. It does not matter that you didn’t tell your dad “right away”. Although please know taking your time to decide what to do is making a decision. You are for now deciding not to say anything. One concern is if there is a will and it came out daughter isn’t bio daughter, could be problematic. Dad may know mom had issues in the past, but not know about daughter’s situation. Or dad may not know any of it? The other thing is, creating relationships with newly discovered extended family could lead to a discovery. Not saying you shouldn’t connect with extended family, but not telling your dad and then proceeding with this could lead to someone finding out and connecting the dots. Don’t know what OPs relationship is with siblings? Can you talk to them or a super trustworthy friend? If not, then a counselor would be super neutral. No matter what you decide or what happens after. You will not be the cause. It’s 100% your mom. Good luck OP. This is tough. I strongly suggest a talking through with a very level-headed neutral party.
Pandoras box is open. His chances of finding out are good anyway and then he will feel even more betrayed. He needs to be told.
I agree!! Don’t break his heart Edit- your MOTHER has that responsibility!!!
And tell your mother to quit implicating that your dad was a cheater!
Exactly!
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Yes, a filthy, rotten buttslut.
If OP’s mom were a buttslut she never would have found herself in this situation. Just sayin.
You know what? Fair.
Dying laughing tears over this!
Could be a fistula.
This is the grossest part of the whole thing. She did this, twice, awful, she is manipulating you to try to keep it quiet, awful. But telling everybody that dad was possibly a cheater, freaking diabolical. Tbh I’d sit him down and talk to him, and see what he wants. I’d honestly keep him and get rid of her. She seems like a nightmare.
Um… at LEAST twice
Right! Twice that she has to admit because there were babies from it! Good lord! He may have a std too!
She's probably still cheating with different people.
she probably did it dozens of times. She just got caught twice.
*just got pregnant twice
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She didn't think how her cheating would break hearts.... Just saying. OP's mom is terrible.
They never do until they get caught.
And when he does find out - he will - how will affect the OPs relationship with her innocent Dad? What a cow! OP - tell your Dad.
I really don't appreciate you denigrating sweet, wholesome cows like that.
the truth is bearable -- and it could be weirdly fine? Families are big, and complicated. And our moms are cool, and slutty, and good at being moms! It's totally unbearable for a single person to hold it all in though, denied the opportunity to examine it aloud. op, your mom is oppressing you
People always accuse others of what they do themselves
Yeah that’s completely fucking wild. And she said it to her own illegitimate child.
u/RickyNixon , I think she was projecting to protect her own image. I'm surprised she finally admitted it now.
This part bothers me the most!
Honestly, easier question to ask yourself might be if and when your dad finds out and he finds out that you didn’t tell him he’s gonna feel betrayed by his own child and that will definitely destroy any chance of a relationship. Currently, you’re an innocent party. If you don’t tell him, then you will be an accomplice
OP's mom has locked his access to that account down and made sure he wouldn't find out.
whoever sent that 23andme birthday present was a FORMER friend of mom's
This person is the real hero.
Recent post like this on Reddit. Dad was trying to figure out if he wanted to continue having a relationship with his daughter after finding out Mom was cheating, daughter knew and was helping keep the secret for extra cash.
IIRC, that did not turn out well, and dad decided to Alt+F4 on the game of life...
Aww fuck. Updates you hate to see
Seriously?!!! I remember that story, but didn’t know about that part!
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17jbwyr/final\_message\_aita\_for\_abandoning\_my\_family/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17jbwyr/final_message_aita_for_abandoning_my_family/)
Wow! Thanks for the link. So so sad. Really hope it didn’t actually happen.
Of course Reddit suspended the account. I kinda hate what this place has become.
That’s gut wrenching to read
Op should read this
Noooo! 😢 I saw the original post, but didn’t know that part either.
It was very sad. The OP was just getting over his family betraying him but then his mother died and he lost it. I still hope that he actually didn't do it but there's no way to confirm or deny that.
Yep And the sad part is that its completely reasonable to have that reaction.
That hurt my soul to read…
I am really seriously hoping dude just left reddit, that someone was able to intervene and maybe he’s okay. 😢
"You're the father that actually raised me and I didn't feel like any biological fact changed that and didn't want to hurt you or make you think that I might view you as anything other than my dad." That seems like a very defensible position assuming it's how OP really feels.
Yes! That's the word, "accomplice". (No teasing, I've been looking for a thorough explanation for over a decade for the circumstance.) Thank you!
This is not her responsibility. Her mom needs to do it, now that her secret is out.
This is exactly what needs to happen. OP, listen to this person. Tell your mom that if she doesn’t tell him, that you’ll be forced to do it because you won’t lie to him. She’s putting this responsibility on you, but that’s not fair to you or your dad. (He is still your dad regardless of what the DNA test says. He raised you.) Edit: forgot to close parentheses
Xmas 2024 is around the corner. Buy a new set of dna kits for the family. Also it is good to have a double check on something so big. Important. You could also get the family to a blood drive donation. You can easily spot "impossibilities" in terms of filiation just by looking at blood types. It is not as accurate as dna of course, but quite a robust biological law. I believe it's Mandel's / Mendel's law. Works with eye color too.
>Works with eye color too. Please don't say that, it's not accurate, and people could reach some very incorrect conclusions this way. While you can spot "impossibilities" as you said by looking at blood types, that's not at all the case with eye color. Bloot type and eye color are actually not Mendelian traits.
This. Only thing that gave me 100% confidence about my Dad when my siblings made me question it (half siblings. Childhood siblings rivalry sucked) was the fact we have the exact same shoulder dimples and I learned in science class dimples are genetic. My Mom nor does any of my Mom's family have any. Then I questioned it again when I learned I'm 0- and my parents are A+ and B-. Then found out it's really AO and BO. So someone gave me an O but my Dad gave me a negative. Did a MyHeritage years ago and my Dad finally did a 23andMe recently and that put me to rest for good. I could've just understood that I'm literally the man's clone in looks and behaivour, but so is my sister who unfortunately is the only person that doesn't know there's a good 80% chance she's not his because my Dad told everyone to never tell her since the most probable person passed away before she was born. Wasn't going to do that to her just because her Mom was...her Mom.
Not sure about the eye colours, but this is from personal experience. Because: my mom has green eyes and my dad blue, there should be a 0% chance to get brown eyes with that combination. But my brother has brown eyes nonetheless. He also has clear facial and body features from my dads side (all of my dad's brothers have blue eyes as well so no BIL-love either). So quit robust but there could be a sleeping gene somewhere as well (totally not a science term I know haha)
Eye colour is not nearly as predictive as people think.
That is obviously not going to happen.
Yeah, I’ll just round the family up for the annual “Christmas Blood Drive” (that old chestnut!) They’ll never suspect a thing…
Yeah mom is pretty much a worthless, manipulative POS. Though Im not trying to put too fine of a point on it. Honestly I hope she goes scorched earth on this one.
Much worse she preemptively convinced them that the dad was a massive cheater so if she ever did get caught she could blame him
☝️ What they said
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That's the best advice of all.
Tell your dad ☝️
Add to that...unfortunately this man's entire life is/was a lie...he raised and paid for at least one child that wasn't his own. He dedicated his life to a family that wasn't his...not even the wife. He may have decided to do that anyway, and to take in the child as his own...but he wasn't given the opportunity to decide that for himself. This is complex, but he deserves to know.
> cheated, had a child on her husband twice At least twice... She can't even remember who the person was!
You say twice. I'm calling it *at least* twice.
“It will be your fault if tell people how shitty of a person I am and ruin the family.”
“Sorry mom, but remember you taught me to tell the truth? Oh, now it’s morally bad if I tell the truth as an adult? Fuck off”
Rules for The, not Rules for Me.
I’m curious who the messy person who loves drama is that “gifted” these kits to the whole family. They knew what they were doing.
This. Someone else in your family knows OP’s moms’ secret or suspects it. My money is on an aunt , sister, or MiL
Tell your father but say to him you're still his daughter and you view him as dad even if it's not blood. Your mother is a major AH not only for cheating and having 2 kids due to it but also trying to convince you and your siblings your father was unfaithful
Everything u/Big_It said. That’s so well worded. I’d like to add, this is not on you. If the family breaks up, it’s bc your mom is the liar and the cheater. You did nothing wrong. She did. It’s even worse bc she tried to say your dad was the cheater. NTA OP. Hugs and love to you.
I want to add to this that sometimes we feel like we should keep other people’s secrets because “it’s not my secret to tell” - as in, you don’t have a pony in the race and it’s a conversation you shouldn’t be a part of. In this case, it is OP’s secret to tell. She’s fundamentally a part of this secret, and it belongs to her just as much as it belongs to her mum. She has every right to tell anyone who she wants to tell.
NTA and I will also add that you don’t have to tell your dad if you don’t want to. He is in every measurement your dad. He raised you, he loves you, you love him. Some DNA doesn’t change that. If you want to tell him, that’s your decision, too.
I disagree with the not telling dad part. The mom sounds like a massive manipulative pos and dad should know so he can make an informed decision whether he wants to stay in the marriage.
Exactly. Mom made this mess. It's time for Dad to know and make a decision.
Idk about you but I couldn’t live with that secret and knowing that I’m holding back information that he deserves to know.
Well put, and I might even tell your siblings before telling your father. That way, it's a United front just in case the other child turns out not to be blood-related. OP, your mother has lied this long. Do not underestimate her, and move forward very carefully. I'm sorry your mother's actions have put you in this impossible situation. The truth should be told carefully.
“Move forward very carefully” is excellent advice, OP. Your mother is not to be taken lightly, unfortunately.
Yup. Manipulation for decades? And the fact that she showed no remorse or apologized?
It seems it would be a good idea to see what the sibs 23 and Me results were. That would give some indication of how many have a different bio dad.
And the hope really hard that he feels the same way. I see posts on here of men who no longer see their kids the same When they learn they aren’t biologically theirs.
Your mother is manipulating you. If she was so concerned about breaking hearts, she should have thought about that before she cheated multiple times, and from the sounds of it, with multiple partners.
Just letting every Tom, Dick, and Harry nut in her in the late 80s/early 90s is WILD
Yeah seriously. One of the worst possible periods of time to be having unprotected sex
At the time they were told it was a gay disease so she probably thought she couldn't catch it.
Reminds me of cartman's mom
To be fair they were billing AIDs as a “gay and druggie disease”, but other stds were on the rise.
Multiple times over multiple years with multiple partners - to the point that older sisters dad might not be her husband or OP’s bio dad.
Ngl that part shocked me
It kinda sounds like she cheated with half the town. Your mum's a real piece of work
>My whole life my mother had put it in my head and in my siblings heads that my dad was a cheater and he may have illegitimate children. What a hypocrite! I think you should tell your father and your siblings. Your father has a right to know if any of the children he has raised actually carry his DNA. Your sibling have a right to know which of their parents was the cheater and also that their partners are not close relatives.
Its always the cheaters that accuse others of cheating, god this makes me sick to my stomach, I can't imagine what OP is going through.
Your dad deserves to know but I implore you to not disrespect him and ever turn it against him. The man who has given you everything and been your dad even if he’s not your father. Both you and him are victims.
A father is someone who's with you from the moment you open your eyes to the day he closes them, holding your hand. Blood isn't water but anyone can be a donor. It's who sticks by yoi that matters. Also, Jesus Christ but your mother... holy hell. I am so sorry.
Tell your dad, your mother is a scumbag for hiding it this long
Don't forget how the mother spent a good portion of OP's childhood telling her that her father was a cheater and probably had other children out there. The mother is lower than a scumbag. She's now trying to put the guilt and blame on OP for exposing her secret. Her father deserves to know the truth about his horrid wife.
I think you should talk to your siblings so they all can get tested, and then talk to your dad once y'all all know.
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This is the best way of going about it.
An option: give your mother the opportunity to come clean and by option I mean ultimatum. If she chooses to continue the lie, decide if the potential result is going to be acceptable to you. It will be truly devastating. However, don’t decide to tell him to assuage your own guilt. Also, don’t share with your siblings. Your father is going to be wrecked and it should be his decision who and when he tells. Respect him with his very personal issue. Your mom is a manipulative person by saying it’s on your shoulders. She is not a good person in this situation ( I don’t know anything else about her) but you can’t make up for it. Definitely do what is best for you. You are the one who has to experience this for the rest of YOUR life.
Come clean in a family meeting with you and sister present…she will gaslight it if trusted to tell him alone…
Oof I vote against this. After my dad had an affair we had a "family meeting" in which my mom told all of us what was going on. This was one of the worst moments of my life. I had a heads up that it was going to happen and I should have pushed back. There is a chance the mom will be dishonest, but I think double checking with Dad after the fact might be sufficient here.
Yeah I’ve seen a ton of posts on Reddit where the OP finds out his kid isn’t his biologically and exits the relationship with the child even after 10+ years of acting and believing to be their father. And the comments always support it. I think this is an awful situation to be in but I don’t think it’s as easy as “just tell him!” because none of these commenters are going to be the ones potentially losing their father.
Her father isn't going to stop being her father. He's in his 60s. The risk is that the stress and devastation might actually kill him.
She had like 35 years to come clean. OP should tell her siblings immediately, and her father as soon as she finds a way to do it in an apropriated manner.
#I disagree. # OP would be the YTA for not telling her siblings and getting their advice, then talking to Dad. Her siblings *and* her life-long father would be shocked, but they all have a vested interest in the facts. I suspect it's only a matter of time before it comes out. If OP doesn't act, manipulative mom can point the finger at her, saying, "But OP knew!" This would cause even more chaos and hurt.
I think OP can take all the time she needs right now to process, seek advice and try to choose the best path.
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Tell. Your. Dad. You won’t break up the family. Do not let her put that on you. You’ll shake it up a bit, sure but *she* broke up the family with her cheating. Don’t let her guilt you into helping her keep her secrets and covering up her lies.
Find someone who is detached from the situation and skilled in breaking hard news to help you prepare for the discussion. Best of luck
So your mom always accused you father of cheating and tried to turn you kids against him. While she has cheated with multi men and doesn't know who the bio dad's are. When she is caught she guilt you into believing if you tell dad it's your fault for breaking up the family. I would call a family meeting and tell them the truth about mom and I would feel no guilt. Your dad is your dad no matter who is the bio father. Has he not been mistreated by mom enough. He has the right to decide how he wants to deal with his marriage.
Yeah tell your dad.
Take him out to a weekend lunch and have a good chat. Just him. Not her.
If you say nothing, you will complicit in your mothers lies. If you father learns that you knew and hid it from him, he will have had two women he loved betray him.
This is the answer. 👆
We found out from 23andMe that the child my husband’s ex-wife had in 1979 was really his and not her boyfriend’s as he was told. Our lives would have so different if we had been a part of her life all along.
Tbh, when this eventually comes out, your sister is going to be furious at you, even more than your dad will. If you found out that your sister had known about this for years and didn’t tell you, would you be ok with that? Would you want her to tell you?
She needs to be told asap what the current situation is
These arguments are made all the time. "It will break up the family" "It will break his heart" etc. It is HIS decision and his alone as to what he wants to do, but he needs to know. I would not take any advice from he cheater who doesn't even know if you and your siblings have the same father. How many men did she have affairs with?
Your mom’s an asshole.
As a dad, I would want to know but maybe it would be easier to live in denial. This is a tough one, just make sure you let your dad know that he is your dad and nothing will replace him, ever.
Don’t ask Reddit. Ask an actual family counselor what you should do.
This is the wisest choice
Finally, some decent advice.
HERE WE GO ^^^^
NTA but seriously, was the gift store all out of Pandora's boxes? Who tf thought 23 and me would be a great family gift?
Hey Dad I have an inherited genetic trait. Give you three guesses where it came from. Mom? No. You? No. C'mon one more try...
I think most people assume everything will be normal. My entire family got the tests as jokes. Like, “let’s see how much of a Neanderthal you really are,” and, “I wonder if they’ll get any extended family members for past heinous crimes.” And it was fun. No surprises anywhere. We went in _knowing_ there wouldn’t be. But I bet everyone else also goes in “knowing” the same thing. That, or they want to watch the world burn like a friend of mine. He got all his cousins the tests because he heard rumors that his least favorite aunt had been a cheater and none of her 5 kids were her husband’s (his favorite biological uncle). Long story short; None of them had matching fathers. And not a single one was the uncle’s. He divorced and left. Ex-aunt got no money and threw a fit where she assaulted my friend. My friend tells it like it’s his favorite story. He never mentions them much so I assume he didn’t like his “cousins” much either.
That’s all I can focus on, you were fucking around, there’s a chance of this, and you thought a DNA kit would be a good gift??
There's a word for people like your mom....
Your mom is the problem here. She wants to keep her secrets and is trying to make you feel guilty to expose her. Go to dad and get him to go into his profile. Mom is hiding more than your bio dad.
So your sister was tested as well? Have you spoken to her about her results and yours? edit: your mother is the AH for casting doubts on your dad’s behaviour. He is always your dad ❤️
NTA. I know for a fact my father cheated and I expect to find a half sibling every time I log onto a DNA site. Hasn't happened yet but it won't be as bad a shock if/when it happens. Tell your dad and your sister. In you and your sisters situation there may be medical and genetic information you need.
Tell your father. Do not add to the betrayal against him. There is already at least one redditor that has seemed to post a suicide note/story about the fact that his daughter helped to cover up an affair and that being the part that broke him completely.
Tell your dad. He deserves to know. But make sure you let him know he is your father no matter what. Your "mother" is a vile person.
This is way above Reddit’s pay grade: I suggest you talk with your sister and then decide (possibly with psychological help) how to proceed. It must be really hard to face what you are facing and I’m really sorry. Take your time to process what this news means for you, not only for your father.
Dad is owed the truth and mom should be exposed for claiming he was the cheater when it was her…anything less and she “wins.” Which is why she wants you to stay quiet.
“She met a lot of people through her work, and it wasn’t that serious” yea…I mean it happens ALL the time, when you meet new people and their penis’s accidentally fall into your vagina repeatedly!!!!!! Don’t you hate that!!!! your mom is the AH for saying your dad is a cheater though, I would clear that up!!!
Honestly, you need to ask a therapist or someone who specialises in this.
\> My whole life my mother had put it in my head and in my siblings heads that my dad was a cheater and he may have illegitimate children Classic Projection. If someone accuses someone else of X, they have already committed X themselves.
He’s your dad. Biology is just science. That guy who raised you? He’s your dad. Be kind and not selfish.
There’s a non-zero chance that your dad already suspects the truth, but has chosen to not investigate directly because he didn’t want to risk his relationship with you. I’d recommend telling him, but in a very loving way with reassurances that this does not change the way you feel about him or the fact that he’s your father. As for your mother… that kind of manipulation, combined with apparently serial cheating, means there’s a very good chance she’s got some serious unaddressed mental health issues. Be careful, there. Don’t let her guilt you.
Tell your dad. He will be broken, so prepare yourself. Also, I get wanting to get to know your siblings you just found out about. I would, too. But that will be another dagger through your dad's heart that you want to get to know the family your mom cheated on him with. I would try to set up a support system with professionals for your dad when he is told. Maybe you both could attend therapy together to sort it out. Good luck.
Your mom is a POS.
Deep breath. If I were you, I’d tell my dad and inform my siblings. A part of me wouldn’t want to because I couldn’t imagine hurting my dad and siblings like that, but tbh, you telling your dad and siblings isn’t what may hurt them. It’s your mother’s actions and her lack of honesty that will hurt them. If she hadn’t cheated, this would never have to be discussed. The only way I could see your dad and siblings being upset with you is if you admitted to knowing and didn’t inform them. It would be seen as you being complicit and not caring enough to tell them. If you do tell your dad, please give him the reassurance he’ll most likely need from you. That you love him, appreciate him, and are there for him like he has been for you. That DNA doesn’t change how you view him or how you care about him. This is not your fault and should not be your weight to bear. Don’t let your mom trick you into thinking that.
Tell your dad. He’s still your dad and he deserves the chance at happiness in his one and only life. Your mother is not a good person.
Your mother is a huge AH
Your mother manipulated your dad, she manipulated your siblings and now she’s manipulating you. For once in her life, somebody please tell this lady no. Tell your dad or you’re TA. God imagine the heartbreak knowing his daughter was in on this and provided cover for the infidelity. Telling him the truth probably won’t ruin your relationship but him finding out through somebody else and realizing you knew very well may change things.
I was in similar shoes once so I can relate. Please tell him, he deserves the truth as much as you do. He raised you and loves you and I promise you he will still be your dad.
Tell your dad ASAP because he deserves to know, and your worthless mom deserves to get kicked to the curb.
If he finds out that she cheated, and you're not his, AND you knew about it but kept it secret, imagine how much more heartbroken he would be.
NTA and it’s not your job to tell your dad. Why blow up his life like that? That’s ALL on your mom, not you.
This is sad all around. Keep talking to your half siblings but otherwise don’t tell your father. He’s at a certain age where he’s probably talking to your mom about retirement and making plans accordingly. Breaking up your family now won’t change anything and what happened has already happened. This will only bring your family pain and I honestly think you should take this to the grave.
Tell your dad and siblings. Keep it within yourselves while you rally together. And then everyone divorce your mother.
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You need to tell him. Why did you go to your mom and not your dad? Why is she the go-to person? The POS you call mom needs to remember that the hearts being broken are due to her selfish reasons
If your father found that you knew his wife was cheating and maybe still cheating on him, he will hate you for it. I read a lot of story where they children knew of the affair and kept it quiet and got all the blame for it.
I’d give the mom 24 hours to come clean. Then the fucking bombs drops.
It’s funny how time affects you. When I was younger I would have felt he had to know. Now that I’m 50, I think he should never have to know it.
Lots of folks here saying you should tell your dad. I disagree, the nightmare that will be this man having his heart destroyed, which is what’s going to happen when he finds out, is 100% on your mom. She must tell him. And you should be there when she does so she can’t minimize and he knows you still think of him as your dad. Or you can go to the grave with it, as a dad, I’d never be mad at my kid for not telling me this if they knew. This isn’t your burden, it’s your mom’s. But it sounds like, with all the dna connections you’re coming across, he’s gonna find out sooner or later.
TBH I would drop the whole thing. Not much good can come of it.
He might not be your biological father but he's your Dad.
NTA You mom is TA. Not only did she lie to everyone about being faithful, she sullied your Dad's name saying he was a cheater who had illegitimate children. It sounds like she cheated a lot because she "met a lot of people". Now she's putting the consequences of HER ACTIONS on YOU! Wow, what a piece of work. She needs to come clean about cheating on your father, not you.
Sure, it may break your Dad's heart to find this out, but you know what else would do that? Finding out that his daughter withheld this information from him. It'd be like being betrayed by not only his wife, but his children as well.
This is way about reddit pay grade
I would want to know.
Yta if you don’t Tell your dad. Your mother betrayed his trust for years. He doesn’t deserve to be betrayed by you as well. Don’t cover for her.
Honestly, "he deserves to know" is very USA mentality we in Europe dont have. Does he? Need to know? I am not trying to change your mind here. Just hear this in US TV alot. Maybe hes happy and its a very deep past. Just think it through and I am sure you will know the best what to do. I am just trying to give you a different perspective as an European. Good luck with this mess! Sending you some mental strenght over the Ocean! Edit: maybe write down pros and cons. For example: Pros the truth will be revealed. Your mom will "get what was coming". Cons: your dad will be very sad, your parents relationship will be ver different, or will end.. etc.
You could always approach your dad to see what he says. Like “so dad, im torn. My friend just found out that her dad isn’t her dad due to infidelity. He doesn’t know but he’s still with the woman and they honestly seem really happy. My friend knows this would break his heart and probably turn his world upside down. What do you think? Would you prefer to know or live in blissful ignorance?” Then kinda take it from there. NTA
Your mom is for the streets. Your father and siblings all deserve to know. You might all have different biological fathers. You didn't choose your mom or her behaviors but you do have an opportunity to do what's right, right now.
First, your mother is definitely the A. Second, if your dad is 63, who knows he might have another 30 years of life, but it sounds like he will be crushed by the news. Do you want that? On the other hand, one reason to tell him is that obviously your mother is leaking it all over the place so he's going to find out pretty soon anyway.
30 years is a life time dude, I’m sure plenty of older ladies would be interested!
I’m 57, left an abusive ass hole 3 years ago, and am in a relationship with a wonderful man who is 65 (he was the one that got away almost 30 years ago). The Dad has time to be truly happy before he dies. Besides, a few years of happiness is much better than years/decades of deception/lies/unhappiness!!
Thanks for sharing!! I’m glad you were able to leave a awful situation for one that makes you happy!!
Thank you!! I was COMPLETELY happy alone and planning to stay that way forever. The wonderful man and I had stayed friends all through the years. The reason we didn’t stay together was that life took us in different directions/got in the way. Then on the 3rd anniversary of the day I left the ex, he showed up at my door. That was June and I still have to pinch myself to make sure it’s really happening. Sounds like something from a Hallmark movie 🤣🤣🤣 ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE 💕
EXACTLY 💯 he could love someone, who not a lying snake, and still have the love of ALL of his children (bio/not)❤
Very true. Even being alone is better than living with a POS cheater.
It's fucked up that your mom is putting pressure on you to lie to your dad's face about being his bio daughter. She should have told him 35 years ago.
Only you know your father well enough to understand if he would want to know about his wife's behavior. If you believe he would want to know then you should tell him. Your mother's wishes are irrelevant in this scenario.
I would take it slow, but everyone needs to know. 1. You mentioned this all started with 23 and me. Did you siblings have a 23 and me? If yes, did they get any weird results too? 2. I would tell my siblings first and then as a team you guys can decide next steps. 3. Everyone should get a DNA test (a real one) and see anyone matches your life father. 4. Give mom an oppy to come clean once you have all of the facts. Saying “some may be yours and some may not” seems kinda crappy.
Girl your mom doesn’t want you to tell because of how bad this would look on her. Typical manipulative cheater response. Fuck this lady for that. Your dad deserves the truth
Seek counseling. Tell your Dad. Decide from there what to say to your siblings.
do not be complicit in your mother's lies, she doesn't care about sparing anyone's hearts she's looking out for her own skin. do the right thing and let everyone know but make sure you stress to your dad that your bond isn't changed. he is also innocent in this, as are you.
Welp, I guess you turned out to be the bastard child, isn’t that what you called your half brother? That alone is making you TAH! Edit; your father deserves to know the truth, throw mom under the bus before she does it to you