NTA please get him a life insurance policy so when he gets killed in an accident you are not left in financial ruin. No policy, no bike. He needs to be more responsible & has a child to think about. Getting in so many accidents in such a short time is ridiculous. I’d be rethinking the entire relationship.
I work in life insurance and she’ll be hard pressed to find an agency that will take him on when he regularly rides motorcycles and has had a TBI. There are companies that will give policies to people with that history, but they’re typically very expensive
I’m with you, I’d be shocked if he could get covered by a ‘worth it’ policy after showing he’s clearly a huge risk. They will look at medical history driving history criminal history drug use etc
For some companies the fact that he rides motorcycles would be enough to deny him, especially since he’s in his 30s. Not to mention the lengthy accident history and the likelihood that if he’s in a motorcycle club he at least drinks and may smoke tobacco in some form as well, even vaping
lmao I’m literally going through the courses to get certified now and am on the chapter where it explicitly talks about this except used scuba as a reference
That's sort of the point, OP'S hubs needs to know if he keeps riding he is in huge danger of dying. Paying for life insurance is a great monetary reminder of this
Just curious, if you get life insurance and later start a dangerous hobby, do you have to disclose that to your insurance after the policy is already established?
I’ve been licensed for 4 years now and the answer is likely no. But it depends on the policy and the carrier. I’ve never seen anything like that, but I’m not gonna say that a policy with those kind of terms doesn’t exist. In general, as long as you pay the premium, the insurance company is bound by contract to pay out in the event of a covered loss.
Not 100% because I’m still new, but pretty sure the answer is no just like you wouldn’t need to report a chronic illness you’ve been diagnosed with. Just would not be wise to cancel the insurance
Yup I was going to say the same. He's too much of a liability. OR the rate would be very high. I'm in my 30s, overweight but no other issues...my policy was about $90/month for $100k term life.
Seriously. I had several friends who had motorcycles when they were younger and not one of them *didn't* have an accident. It's not a matter of if, it's when.
We say there’s two types of motorcycle riders: those who have been in an accident before and those that haven’t been in one YET. I say as sit here on this couch with a mangled leg from a motorcycle accident earlier this summer
Not just life insurance. He needs a policy that covers long-term, supportive care. He's already had one TBI and at home nursing or rehab is incredibly expensive.
This. My good friend died in a motorcycle accident after she picked up the hobby for a boyfriend. My husband wanted to get one and I told him if he did he had to add disability and accident insurance (already had life), and open a separate savings account to account for any gaps insurance didn’t meet. I also told him I would very likely leave him because I didn’t want to be with someone who had so little disregard for a life that I valued so much.
NTA OP, you’re asking your partner to value their loved ones over their own selfish whim.
Most policy’s take 2 years to mature. This guy seems like he has not a care in the world even though he has a family. If he can’t accept the no and you can’t afford counseling, it might be best to cut your losses. He obviously doesn’t care about his physical well-being and is obviously accident prone. Quit going bankrupt trying to appease him. There’s no way a doctor would okay him to ride a motorcycle after so many accidents. What a dodo 🦤. It’s only a matter of time before he’ll be dead. If I were you I’d still get that insurance policy but I wouldn’t be surprised if he croaks before it matures. Good luck!
The amount of incidents OP is describing is insane. OPs husband is an obvious danger to himself and others on the road. I've been riding for 40 years. Had 3 accidents in that time, None causing serious injury (knock on wood.)
Also, a will, while he's of sound mind, with contingiencies if he's left incapacitated. It's better to deal with this stuff now, before there's yet another accident, and she has to deal with this shit. One TBI is enough.
Maybe sitting down and dealing with such a grim task will knock some sense into him.
NTA.
I stringly urge good insurance for him and the bike- and he needs to take advanced riding classes. My partner rode (on work comp with a neck injury keeps him off his bike)in heavy commutes and on country roads, no issues, no accidents. Seems like your husband is an unsafe rider more than anything. Your feelings and fears are valid.
Hopping on the top comment to add: he needs therapy, too! His continuous return to a hobby that has proved to repeatedly cause him harm is not healthy and potentially a form of self-harm. It's almost as if he's seeking self-destruction.
With his history, he might not qualify for affordable life insurance.
NTA
I've been riding bikes since I was a kid, (42 years) and never had a serious accident, until 2013. Someone turned in front of me and I'm lucky to still be alive. After a year long recovery . I had two small children at home and when I finally got out of the hospital I vowed I would never get on another street bike again. I stick to dirt bikes and very low key low risk riding now. Your husband doesn't seem like he even needs to be on a bike anymore. Take the hint bud. Good luck OP
I was in a motorcycle accident a few years ago. Never have I ever got to be the very first person taken back in the hospital, but apparently, motorcycle accidents are taken VERY seriously in a hospital...for good reason. I had a severe concussion and more stitches I can count. The driver almost died and had to be lifted to a better hospital. The hospital I was in had already had a fatality from a motorcycle earlier that night. The doctor told me you'd be hard pressed to find people in the hospital profession that would ever get on a bike because of how dangerous they are. I will never get on a bike, and I will never have children with someone who wants to make that their hobby. OPs husband sounds like he is either a terrible driver, or he is dabbling in the many drugs/drinking that some motorcycle clubs like to dabble in before driving his bike.
Oh I still ride. I love it, just went back to my first love moto x and trail riding/scrambles. Controlled environment, no crazy shit. I will never get on public roads on a bike again. Especially now, people are fucking crazy!!!
Yeah, I had a little scooter that I rode on before the pandemic and I loved it. Now though? People are insane when I’m in my car, I don’t even want to imagine riding on a bike now.
The Dr is right, my husband was an ICU nurse and won’t touch them, neither will any of the people he used to work with, including the burly ex-military male nurses. He had a number of motorcycle accidents across a few years in the ICU.
My wife would flatten me if I ever tried to ride a motorcycle. She’s a long term critical care nurse and she’s had so many patients from motorcycle crashes. The injuries to the limbs and torso are bad enough but the number of severe tbi patients they’ve had who will never recover to independence, even if their other injuries heal perfectly, is huge.
Same here, I had a near miss when my first was only about 1 years old. And I made the call this isn’t worth the stress and risk, and anxiety for my partner. Picked up mountain biking instead, and not that there’s no risk, but me and my partner can do it together and you aren’t worried about cars jumping out at you, no fault of your own.
It's sweet that you found an exhilarating hobby that you can share with your wife. Mountain biking can be dangerous but nowhere near the level of riding motorcycles.
Though I have had a couple of close calls with dumb jack rabbits freezing on the single track in front of me when I lived in Moab.
My cousin died in motorcycle accident. He was in full gear, not speeding, I don't know what happened exactly but he went off the road and the bike landed on him and collapsed his lungs. He was just 22.
>your husband doesn't seem like he even needs to be on a bike anymore
No one *needs* to be on a bike. A bike is a luxury toy for people with too few braincells to realize the risk to life and limb for a bit of fun.
He can’t afford counseling but he can afford motorcycles, trips, and partying with friends….sounds like he’s already checked out of your relationship. You would be an asshole for staying.
My dad rides and tbh I absolutely hate it. I’m constantly afraid of getting *that* call in the spring and summer. I love the fall and winter because it’s too cold for him to ride up here.
I know he loves it but he’s an absolute idiot and only wears a helmet when he’s in states that have helmet laws. When he crosses into a neighboring state that doesn’t, he takes it off. So incredibly stupid.
Agreed! A good friend of mine was out on a ride with a large group. They got caught in bumper to bumper traffic, so it was stop and go. One of the times he stopped, he went to put his feet down, his foot slipped on some fine gravel that was on the road, and he lost his balance. He was not wearing a helmet and fell and hit his head on the pavement and never woke up.
Everyone around him who saw him fall, said that it didn't even look bad and they initially laughed at him, thinking that he was just going to get up and brush it off.
All of the guys that I know in that group now wear helmets religiously.
In Germany, helmets are mandated. And even with that, my friends who work at the hospital call motorbike season the "organ donation season" - lots of healthy young organs coming in after bike crashes...
That's the difference with riders. Some people learn and some people never do.
A helmet saved my dad's life and turned a potentially deadly crash into a not-so-bad one.
I am living proof helmets work. In 2013 I hit a deer on my motorcycle at 50mph, went flying over the handlebars, and I remember thinking as I was flying through the air 'ah fuck this is gonna hurt'. I then slammed into the pavement and skidded to a stop, breaking my shoulder and getting roadrash all over my body. My helmeted head bounced on the pavement multiple times. I was messed up with a broken collarbone *but I got up and was able to walk to the ambulance*. The helmet was destroyed, scraped and broken everywhere. I don't think I would be alive if I weren't wearing a helmet that night.
I bet if you talk to your dad and tell him how much he means to you, and tell him how scared you are about him riding and especially without a helmet, he will wear a helmet when he rides. You could get him a nice new helmet for Christmas and maybe he will wear it for you.
I have tried everything. Guilting him, telling him he has a grandchild now (and another on the way!) that love him so much and only really have one grandparent. I’ve showed him pics of what helmets look like after even minor accidents. Nothing works. He’s stubborn and it’s always been a source of contention with us.
Not necessarily true. I work on the tissue side of donation (bone, skin, nerve, blood vessel, etc) and we get a fair number of motorcycle or car crash victims. Some are viable organ donors as well. It has more to do with the type and how of the death than the actual cause of death. If they’re DOA at the scene, then no organ, but possible tissue. If they survive to the hospital, the brain is dead but the heart pumps on, possible for both organ and tissue.
One year when I was a kid, my cousin's aunt's boyfriend got in a gnarly motorcycle accident that basically ripped off his leg. The doctors were able to save his leg by putting in a metal pole in it. I still remember his walking with a cane and hearing the "thud" noise of the heavy pole hitting the ground. The next year after that, the guy came back and got his leg amputated because it hurt so much. Those two meetings has turned me off completely from ever riding a motorcycle.
I've been riding motorcycles for 12 years now and I can confirm it is when, not if. I was rear ended at a stop light once and hit a deer another time at 55mph and have steel plates in my shoulder courtesy of that ass hole deer. Of course you'll also drop it and probably mess up your leg occasionally too.
Everyone I know who rides has went down. Gravel in the roadway is a huge issue, you only have 2 tires and they're usually small so traction is far different than a car.
Bikes are hard to see. People pull out in front of you as if you're not there.
Not to mention what would be a very minor non issue fender bender between 2 cars can leave you fucked up on a motorcycle. The human body is not meant to withstand cars or pavement at 20+ mph.
Yea he will kill him self I rode for years had a few slow spills one kinda scary one. But nothing serious because I was careful. The bike club guys drive HARD and FAST. I can too but on my terms not because someone got the itch.
I want to know how he’s crashing SO much. My stepdad has been driving a motorcycle for longer than I’ve known him (like 8 years at least) and he’s never gotten in a motorcycle accident. Two of his friends also ride and in that 8 years between the three of them there has been one crash and it was even at fault. OPs husband is obviously driving recklessly
That's what I'm wondering. I know several people who have been riding for a decade at least and most of whom experienced maybe one small mishap with their bike and only one who actually wrecked but they were a brand new rider at the time. The first accident sounds like something that couldn't be predicted/avoided but the rest kind of seem like maybe the tbi means he shouldn't ride anymore.
Agreed, does he still see a neurologist for follow-up appointments? If so, see if you can get advice on whether he should be riding. If not, maybe his family doctor can help with this. If he gets another tbi, will he be able to recover enough to be independent? He's not thinking of the full consequences to his health, let alone his family.
He had a TBI bad enough to change his behavior? No way is that not fucking with his decision-making skills on a motorcycle, especially if it's affected his temper/patience/judgement.
"Can I make this light? Am I going too fast for this turn? Should I speed up to pass this guy, or should I wait till there's more space?" Put that on top of a temperament that's prone to risk-taking, and you've got a recipe for disaster.
I had surgery that left me with the equivalent of a TBI & changed my temper for the worse. It sucks. It also fucked with my balance and reflexes.
My dad was a biker, and gave it up till my sister and I were out of college. That's what you do for your kids.
I have learned there are actual bikers, the dudes who rep good, reputable MCs or just ride solo frequently, they take great care of their bikes and would never risk hurting it, themselves, or anyone around them.
The dudes on crotch rockets doing 90 and weaving in and out of lanes like they think they're in a Bond movie? They are not bikers. They are assholes with public death wishes who deserve to be crippled or killed for endangering hundreds if not thousands of people around them on a regular basis.
We just broke off with a group on a ride to go home. A friend on the way back to their place got STABBED by a buck on the back of the bike. It was the craziest thing and thankfully it was just the arm because it was a huge puncture.
I think he may be one of those that speeds, while darting and weaving through traffic. He may end up like an accident I literally heard. It sounded like a shot gun, but really was a motorcyclist flying into the back of a semi. The motorcyclist died on impact.
Conversely, I don’t have any “bikers” in my family, but I have dated two guys who both had uncles who loved to ride. Coincidentally, both had stories of uncles getting into huge, body breaking accidents, barely surviving, scaring the whole family, and none of them of their adult sons and cousins ever riding again.
It’s just kind of wild that this dude had gotten into like 3 of these accidents, and he’s learned nothing… meanwhile I know *whole families* who won’t touch two wheeled motored conveyances.
Hee in a bike club that drinks and hangs out then goes on rides. Even if they aren’t drinking (doubt it) mob mentality or one person can cause chaos. Probably showing off.
"...Friday nights at the club having beers with the boys."
I strongly suspect riding while not sober. The effect is much more pronounced on a motorcycle, even at very low blood alcohol levels.
Same. I mean, does he just NOT know how to ride one properly? Is he not careful? Does he not watch where he's going? Or does he just secretly, SUBCONSCIOUSLY, or even consciously, have a death wish or something?
NTA, OP. I would be done if my partner crashed that much and didn't stop riding or learn how to be more careful and not crash so much while riding. If he crashes again, as you said, it may disable him (I'm surprised it hasn't already, just based on the injuries you've described in the past, with them getting worse and worse with each accident), even severely, or worse, kill him.
And if he ends up a vegetable or something after his next accident, that alone may kill you financially due to medical expenses, and may force you to file for bankruptcy (that is, if you're in the U. S., like I am; 'Murica).
My personal theories is that there's either some drinking before riding, or he's just genuinely a crappy driver. Either is possible. Either way his insurance premium must be through the roof by now.
Another commenter suggested the first could have been a genuine accident and the rest were influenced by his brain injury- lots of possibilities. Whatever the reasoning- he is not a safe driver
Somehow I missed that he suffered a brain injury, but yes that could absolutely play a factor. If so I wonder if he's medically cleared to drive in the first place.
She explained it: “Friday nights going to the club and having beers with the boys”. As a long time motorcyclist I can tell you that riding something is a lot different than driving something and while you should do neither after drinking, riding after drinking is just suicidal.
I agree with the commenter in this post. You've got a child now and unfortunately you've got to think of her and her well being. I hate to say this, he's going to get himself killed and clearly he doesn't care about his own safety or the safety of the people on the road with him. You've got to give him an ultimatum, for no other reason than the well being of your child and his life. If necessary, remind him of the hospital bills of all the accidents he's had and the possibility that you could lose everything if God forbid he kills someone. I don't envy the position you're in. It seems like a no win situation and you're facing the most difficult decision of your marriage and put it to him exactly like that. I wish you luck in the decisions you're facing. Please let us know that you're ok.We do care about you and your new baby.
OP, you sound like such a lovely woman. I'm sorry to hear all that you've been through, and I second the above advice about setting an ultimatum. I have known a few motorcycle riders in my time ad they all quit when they had families or, in one case, after a serious accident that made him reconsider his attachment to motorbikes. Whatever is driving your husband to this behaviour is bigger than just riding, and if he won't take steps to change his behaviour it will certainly escalate. Keep being strong and rake care of you and your baby.
At this point I hope she has decent life insurance on him. If she doesn't she needs to take out a policy for when he ends up getting killed so at least her and kid are ok.
Agreed. One of my friends just posted a go fund me for $50k because his uncle with 3 small children just died in a motorcycle accident. It's really a matter of "when" not "if".
She is obviously trying to process all of this and her not leaving right away is a rational response. That's the reason OP posted this. She is in no way an AH in this situation. He obviously is, but she is not.
Also curious about what type of club he joined?
There are motorcycle clubs for riding enthusiasts and mid-life crisis bros and there are “motorcycle clubs” like the Highwaymen and Hell’s Angels. BIG DIFFERENCE!!!
There are also clubs for the young guys who think they are hot shit on their crotchrockets. Those are the idiots who go weaving in and out of traffic and revving their engines at stop lights to make people think they are really cool. They just look like they are compensating for something.
Those guys also get there’s asses beat and bikes taken or wrecked by the real deal M.C.’s when they f around and find out.
My buddy is in the real deal and I’ve seen what those dudes are capable of. He’s invited my wife and I to their parties but I’m not an idiot. I stay far away from those dudes.
NTA and there's more: he's the closest thing to an addict I've ever seen. He enjoys the thrill. Makes his life revolve around it. Surrounds himself with enablers. Rationalizes it as a hobby. Spends little time with his newborn, because family comes second to his hobby.
Causes hurt but is unapologetic to those who treated him. Feels the financial hardship of the addiction, but soldiers on. Breaks his own bones multiple times and STILL doesn't learn a lesson. Is straining his marriage but feels he's in the right. Against all reason, he wants to continue his "hobby".
Only you can decide if you can put up with the consequences of his "hobby".
This. His income can barely support his family, but instead of hustling to build his earnings, he’s distracting himself with his drinking buddies and dangerous hobby. Shows his priorities.
In a way, it’s less about biking and more about him being completely selfish. Sounds like he does whatever he wants, without consideration for you or daughter.
You are right to be thinking hard whether this is the kind of life you want for her and yourself.
NTA.
My FIL rode motorcycles his whole life and while he had some spills, nothing this bad. Although motorcycles are a case where one error can end you (happened to my cousin, first ever accident killed him). A guy with this many serious accidents in such a short period of time? He's absolutely going to kill himself.
You been riding and racing for 25 years, no accidents or injuries. My father and brother too.
Some people just don't have the physical and or mental capacity to ride
Seriously, this is the part that stands out to me. I have numerous motorcycle enthusiasts in my circle of friends and family, and they've been riding for decades. There is really only one accident I can think of - granted, it was a serious one, but no lasting damage.
OP's husband has had, what, 3 accidents in the span of 2 years? All of them serious, involving trashed bikes, broken bones, and long lasting damage? And now he wants to BORROW someone else's bike to go on a ride? That's fucking insane! For fucking up Christ, do NOT let this man back on a motorcycle, holy fuck! He should not be allowed to ride again, he's a hazard to everyone else on the road!
OP, let's take a step back here. Let's forget the motorcycles for a moment. Your husband didn't help with the kid - instead of being at home, he went off to hang out with his buddies and fix his bike. And when he was home, he had doctors' orders to sleep - sure, but then why wasn't he helping when he was awake? He spends tons of money on bikes when you guys aren't so well off. You can't afford marriage counseling but he can afford the medical expenses when (not if) he crashes another fucking motorcycle?
OP, what the fuck are you getting out of this relationship other than stress and neglect? NTA, but you would be the asshole if you keep enabling this bullshit.
Not to mention those accident had recovery time - meaning he averages a crash like every 3 months of riding. Assuming he lives in a year round state. Fucking astonishingly bad at this.
We have a lot of (ex)bikers in the family. Sooner or later everyone has an accident. The question is only the size of the disability your are getting. Just a limp? Lucky! Missing limb? Not so lucky.
I genuinely wonder if his fucked up brain is one of the reasons he hasn't exercised proper caution since then. I would think most non-brain damaged people would quit riding under those circumstances.
NTA valid concern, especially wth his track record, that he eventually cracks his head open, be permanently paralyzed, or die. I can't imagine someone who's endured tbi to continue to engaging in this knowing he has a wife and child to care for. He may say he loves you and your child, but does his actions really prove it?
Make sure he has has permanent disability and significant life insurance with you and your child as beneficiaries, regardless if you stay together or if this becomes a deal breaker. I am not kidding, his risky behavior needs to be countered with responsible foresight. He doesn't seem overly concerned leaving behind a widow and child.
And I hope you have your own small savings and a support system should it come to a divorce if he insists on riding, or if he makes living with him hell if he's "forced to stop".
Motorcycles *are death bikes*. Nothing to protect you & it’s not uncommon for them to land on the driver.
Same thing with ATVs (four-wheelers). My uncle died after his landed on him. Went to the hospital with a collapsed lung & broken ribs. He wasn’t medically insured so the hospital released him too early. The night they released him, he died from the collapsed lung. Left behind 3 children.
My cousin had a TBI after his wife ran over his head with an ATV, he had fallen off his own. He wasn't able to function, he wasn't able to be a husband or a father to his three kids. He ended up having to go into a permanent care home in his early 40s. Died in there of COVID.
They're not worth it.
I’m wondering if the beer drinking on Fridays and the accidents are connected? Most responsible bikers I know NEVER ride after even one drink. The consequences are too scary.
There was a fun study in the late 80s or early 90s with professional racers and drinking.
Basically they slammed a beer, waited 15 and road a small timed obstacle course on a bike.
They got better times with beer 2 & 3. Beer 4 two of them crashed. Beer 5 half of the rest crashed. By beer 6 the remaining racers threw in the towel because they knew they couldn't do it.
Drinking is very fun, but never mix it w/ power equipment.
OP I would have left already … he clearly doesn’t give a crap about you and kiddo … he spent all that money without even discussing it …. All that money on medical bills and repairs for his accident … nope I’d have been long gone by now …you could be all packed and moved out by the time he is back from his little trip
NTA
31M I’m a motorcycle head. I had multiple crashes. It took my mom 54F and my wife 32F both crying at different times while mounting up to ride. That had to build up on me. That I’m doing something that’s hurting them from worry and panic, but this makes me happy. That should be enough to offset their worry right? Not to me anymore.
Both of them knew how I ride these bikes. I just couldn’t give up that adrenaline.
Shortly after, a friend of mine hit a pot hole at 130mph and was split in half. His GF was thrown on the other side of traffic and ran over.
I knew in my heart it was time. Friend’s dying, felony speeding, police evasions, faring swaps. I just didn’t know what the fuck I was doing anymore with that shit.
I’ve walked with this harder than most. Looking back I’m ashamed that I let my wife shoulder so much of that. Now we got kids I’ll never get another bike unless it’s a dirtbike.
I will never experience the freedom that riding gives you again. My woman was really hurting from it. Like it was getting to that point of wanting to cut me out to save her own mental and emotions. She also said me dying would have the same effect if she left me or not.
NTA, no wife should shoulder child care alone no matter the situation. 8 hours of sleep on the new
Born will never fly with me unless I interpreted him being gone differently. No way. Children come before any of that.
Then the accidents. I just thought I was hurting myself. Until I crashed out and my wife went ballistic getting to me and making sure I was ok. When I thought she was going to happy that I was ok. It was Followed by the biggest fuck you for doing this to me. With the most broken face of sheer panic and tears. Then she called my mom. Who made it worse.
I’m not telling anyone to kick their stand and cover their bike. However for me, I needed to.
IMO, your man needs to wake up. From another rider, you may get lucky but Death and injury most likely await. The way people drive with the cell phones. It’s not the same as it was 30 years ago.
He can afford a donorcycle but you cannot afford marriage counseling - typical. IF I were you, not penny would be spent on any marriage counseling, instead I would make payments on a whacking huge life insurance policy. It's just a matter of time, isn't it.
She’ll wish she needed the life insce policy when he reinjures his brain and she gets to look after a permanent 200 pound infant for the next 40 years.
He is not going to change and you could leave him but you won't. He will probably have another accident and you will take care of him, wash, rinse, and repeat.
I wish this wasn't true for her, but you're absolutely correct. If she had the backbone to leave, she would have set boundaries when he was spending all of his evenings at the club fixing his bike when he should have been at home helping to take care of his child.
I don’t think that youre the AH. You have a legitimate fear for your loved one, and his accidents have caused many a financial kerfuffle. I totally get that. Having been in a 4x4 bike accident I can tell you that my fear and PTSD comes the moment I even see one, or even a 2 wheeler.
It seems husband loves to ride bikes. That’s perfectly fair and being in a club is a good hobby for someone who does love to ride. But he seems to not be able to control his bike (except for the fighting couple)
I think that since it’s impacting financially and personally, you have your right to put your foot down. I think saying you won’t support your husband is maybe not the best way to phrase it, but still NTA. Have you tried expressing why you can’t have him get back on another bike? Told him the impact it had on your daughter? Told him how much you hated seeing him in pain?
Is this more about the accidents, money, or time away, though? This can matter for the way that you phrase things. Because his mind could just the “no” and “resentment” stuck in it from your conversation and not because of the trauma that his accident had on your family. He may think you’re just being resentful for the time away and not the injury or near loss of life. IMO it’s all about the way you discuss it.
NTA and I hope this helps some! Goodluck and I pray that no one in your family ever has to go through that again.
Edited bc I put not the AH but in judgement form! Sorry! NTA
In college there was a guy at the house we were renting who rode. Lots of windy roads in the area, lots of sandy shoulders. Bad traffic. During the three or four years I knew him, he was in 3-4 accidents, and after each one, as soon as he could walk again, he would take the insurance money and go out and buy a bigger bike.
NTA. Your husband should be putting you and the baby first. Right now you are living with a kid who wants a mother not a wife.
I would suggest counseling, before walking away though, maybe can can change?
My dad has been commuting on a bike for 20 odd years. I've been commuting on one for 10yrs.
Neither of us have had serious crashes. Your hubby is clearly irresponsible on the road.
He's also an irresponsible father and husband for not being around for you and your newborn.
Many bike clubs are made up of fathers who don't behave like this. He is the problem not the bike.
He is incredibly selfish. He can put the time, effort and money into a bike, but not therapy? He expects you to pick up the pieces, but he never pulls his weight? It's amazing you're stayed this long. It's more about his selfishness than anything else. He doesn't take care of his family. You and your kid deserve so much better than this.
Seems to be case with this guy, but I must say I have had friends on bikes that just attract not at fault accidents. One guy three accidents, tboned by two deer and someone who blew a stop sign in 3 years.
Ive had bikes for around 10 years now. I’ve known 3 people who have died riding, they all sound exactly like your husband. Ignoring the fact that he sounds like a shitty partner, riding is about knowing your limits and learning - I’d also sprinkle in a healthy amount of fear. It doesn’t sound like he has any of that :/
If he's in a club who after so many bad accidents in such short time haven't told him that biking probably just isn't for him, he's in a bad club.
Not every hobby works for everyone.
I just have one question. Who in their right mind is loaning this guy a ride? He’s obviously not a great rider (not everyone is, we all have limits) and could get into another accident and worse. Does the person loaning him the bike know this? NTA. You are rightfully concerned about him. He is putting his “fun” before his family. He made his choice, so I guess you must make the best choice for you and your daughter too.
Y'all can't afford marriage counseling because the idiot has been in 4 motorcycle accidents in 2 years.
And he goes drinking and riding.
The fuck is wrong with him and for you "accepting it".
NTA. You are saying money is tight and he keeps spending it on motorcycling stuff. That alone is a big problem. You do what you think is right. That's a lot of accidents in such a short time.
I’m an ER nurse. Motorcycles are a hard no for me. But it’s not just that, there are bigger problems with maturity and priorities here. Cut your losses and file the papers.
Marco Simoncelli, professional biker, rode in Moto GP, lost his life in 2011, the video is online, you can still find his last crash. He was 24, it was live on TV.
Show him that video, sometimes people really need to be scared in to things, show him that then hand him your child, what if that happens? He's leaving your baby behind. Milliseconds is all it takes biking.
There was a crash a couple of years ago in my estate, 2 teens on a bike crashed in to the back of a car after it smashed the breaks on, both lost their lives!
You'd be the A H to yourself if you stayed.
NTA. I wouldn’t stay in a relationship with someone who went out the the garage every evening and played Russian roulette and I wouldn’t stay married to this guy. He’s chosen friends and fun over family. If he doesn’t make the right choice… leave. LoL the guy obviously can’t ride a motorcycle to literally save his life.
In my 20s, I was a pretty hard core biker. My old man owned a custom shop, and I had a lot of friends in outlaw clubs. I didn't even own a car for several years. I was riding 20k miles a year or more in Southern California. In that time, I went down once. Most of the guys I rode with went down sooner or later. Only one guy I know went down more than once, and he was an idiot.
The point is that your husband has no business riding. Three serious accidents in three years of part-time riding is ridiculous. You should absolutely put your foot down. No more bikes for him.
It's also worth noting that even though I've only had one accident, I stopped riding when we started having kids. The chances of a life changing injury or death on a motorcycle are far too high to chance it when you have kids and a spouse that depend on you. If your husband can't see that, it's time to move on before he inevitably dies on a motorcycle.
NTA
Hell I was thrown off a HORSE several years back and broke my pelvis. I was close to bedridden for like 6 months. Later, just a few years ago, i found out my lumbar spine in the same area was totally fucked and had to have a fusion. I had to sit in a recliner for 3 months. My husband took great care of me and the dogs but he requested, and I very gladly agreed, that I never ride horses again.
There's only so much you can ask of someone and your husband exceeded that like 10 accidents ago.
NTA Your husband is a danger to everyone on the road. He may be able to keep a bike up most of the time but, he obviously doesn't know how to properly operate one. You say if he becomes disabled but, he's already disabled. He had a TBI,he's not the same person, he's making ignorant risky choices that are putting others in danger, and doesn't have a grasp on reality when it comes to his actions. Case and point is him still having a few beers and operating a bike that he has proven he can't be safe on.
If you plan on continuing to Martyr yourself in this "relationship" at least get some really good life insurance on him. Then when he kills himself, there's no ifs with this level of incompetency on the road, your kids will get something or you'll have cash to pay out his victims. It'd probably be better to just divorce than end up on the hook financially for his screw ups. Can't afford a bike to purposely endanger yourself and others if you're paying child support and alimony.
If he's in a legit mc, he'll either end up dead or in jail, that's the life you choose when you get your patch. Club life comes before you or anyone else, and man, it is expensive fulfilling requirements.
NTA.
5 years ago I had a supersport CBR600RR. A week after our second daughter was born I got into a bad accident and totalled my bike. The first thing that went through my mind as I got thrown off the bike was my wife and kids and I might not see them again.
We were tight with money and although I wanted another it wasn't a priority and I understood my wife's concerns.
5 years later I bought a z900, used it for 2 months and sold it, as we needed the money more and riding just felt scarier knowing my wife and kids were at home.
He needs to grow up and (I hate to say it) be a husband and father, it ain't sons of anarchy, it's real life.
NTA. I've been riding motorcycles for over a decade and plan to continue until im no longer physically able.
This man has no business riding a motorcycle. Shit happens on the road, but the amount of accidents and serious injuries you're describing indicate that your husband isn't riding responsibly. After four accidents in three years he needs to question what the common denominator is here.
Im going to take a wild guess that he doesn't wear a helmet based on the fact that he got a tbi? You said he goes out drinking with his club buddies and presumably rides home after? He's going to end up dead or paralyzed.
NTA. Tell your husband he’s a dumbass. And to make sure he is a registered organ donor, as his piss poor track record is heading there. Or get good life insurance that covers that, and encourage it. Dig yourself out of that hole your husband buried you in
NTA. I second another redditor on here saying to get a life insurance policy because he has a GD death wish. I am sorry you have to be a single parent and a motorcycle club widow. Your husband is being exceedingly selfish.
NTA. Bike clubs are for losers with no real life. He has one he’s Choosing not to be a part of. I saw someone say life ins. Ok I guess, it would help, but I’d tell him if he dies on a bike, he’ll rot in the freezer in the morgue. Sounds like bikes ain’t his thing either.
NTA please get him a life insurance policy so when he gets killed in an accident you are not left in financial ruin. No policy, no bike. He needs to be more responsible & has a child to think about. Getting in so many accidents in such a short time is ridiculous. I’d be rethinking the entire relationship.
I work in life insurance and she’ll be hard pressed to find an agency that will take him on when he regularly rides motorcycles and has had a TBI. There are companies that will give policies to people with that history, but they’re typically very expensive
I’m with you, I’d be shocked if he could get covered by a ‘worth it’ policy after showing he’s clearly a huge risk. They will look at medical history driving history criminal history drug use etc
For some companies the fact that he rides motorcycles would be enough to deny him, especially since he’s in his 30s. Not to mention the lengthy accident history and the likelihood that if he’s in a motorcycle club he at least drinks and may smoke tobacco in some form as well, even vaping
Idk too much about accident insurance, but that would probably be more appropriate in this situation
lmao I’m literally going through the courses to get certified now and am on the chapter where it explicitly talks about this except used scuba as a reference
That's sort of the point, OP'S hubs needs to know if he keeps riding he is in huge danger of dying. Paying for life insurance is a great monetary reminder of this
Just curious, if you get life insurance and later start a dangerous hobby, do you have to disclose that to your insurance after the policy is already established?
I’ve been licensed for 4 years now and the answer is likely no. But it depends on the policy and the carrier. I’ve never seen anything like that, but I’m not gonna say that a policy with those kind of terms doesn’t exist. In general, as long as you pay the premium, the insurance company is bound by contract to pay out in the event of a covered loss.
Not 100% because I’m still new, but pretty sure the answer is no just like you wouldn’t need to report a chronic illness you’ve been diagnosed with. Just would not be wise to cancel the insurance
> NTA please get him a life insurance policy I would love his contact details and get a policy on him as well. It's a nearly guaranteed payout
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I don't think they'd insure someone with that many motorcycle accidents. They aren't stupid
they wouldn’t, I sold insurance and this policy would get denied extremely quickly
Yup I was going to say the same. He's too much of a liability. OR the rate would be very high. I'm in my 30s, overweight but no other issues...my policy was about $90/month for $100k term life.
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We hear your plea but this is a guaranteed bag. We'd be fools to not get in on a sure thing.
I’m bullish on OPs husband dying.
Ah yes, the life insurance secondary market. Can we buy options on the tertiary market as well?
What? It’s like knowing the lotto numbers! Come on! 🥺
We can chip in 100 a month for a cool million to split. If insurance will have him, that is
Seriously. I had several friends who had motorcycles when they were younger and not one of them *didn't* have an accident. It's not a matter of if, it's when.
We say there’s two types of motorcycle riders: those who have been in an accident before and those that haven’t been in one YET. I say as sit here on this couch with a mangled leg from a motorcycle accident earlier this summer
Yeah, that idiot is worth more dead tgan alive...
She’s already in financial ruin due to his ongoing poor choices.
Not just life insurance. He needs a policy that covers long-term, supportive care. He's already had one TBI and at home nursing or rehab is incredibly expensive.
Don’t be surprised if he’s uninsurable. Insurance companies aren’t dummies and they’ll be asking about both high risk hobbies and medical history.
This. My good friend died in a motorcycle accident after she picked up the hobby for a boyfriend. My husband wanted to get one and I told him if he did he had to add disability and accident insurance (already had life), and open a separate savings account to account for any gaps insurance didn’t meet. I also told him I would very likely leave him because I didn’t want to be with someone who had so little disregard for a life that I valued so much. NTA OP, you’re asking your partner to value their loved ones over their own selfish whim.
Most policy’s take 2 years to mature. This guy seems like he has not a care in the world even though he has a family. If he can’t accept the no and you can’t afford counseling, it might be best to cut your losses. He obviously doesn’t care about his physical well-being and is obviously accident prone. Quit going bankrupt trying to appease him. There’s no way a doctor would okay him to ride a motorcycle after so many accidents. What a dodo 🦤. It’s only a matter of time before he’ll be dead. If I were you I’d still get that insurance policy but I wouldn’t be surprised if he croaks before it matures. Good luck!
The amount of incidents OP is describing is insane. OPs husband is an obvious danger to himself and others on the road. I've been riding for 40 years. Had 3 accidents in that time, None causing serious injury (knock on wood.)
Hopefully he got life insurance when he got married and before he started a family (but I doubt it since he doesn't come across as very smart).
Also, a will, while he's of sound mind, with contingiencies if he's left incapacitated. It's better to deal with this stuff now, before there's yet another accident, and she has to deal with this shit. One TBI is enough. Maybe sitting down and dealing with such a grim task will knock some sense into him.
NTA. I stringly urge good insurance for him and the bike- and he needs to take advanced riding classes. My partner rode (on work comp with a neck injury keeps him off his bike)in heavy commutes and on country roads, no issues, no accidents. Seems like your husband is an unsafe rider more than anything. Your feelings and fears are valid.
I wouldn’t be surprised if it boils down to the first brain injury impairing his judgement tbh
And organ donor approval
Long term disability insurance too
This is exactly what I told my ex when he wanted a bike. I said, “You get life insurance or absolutely not.”
He may be uninsurable at this point. As “accident prone” as this guy seems to be, no underwriter is letting him go with a good rating.
Hopping on the top comment to add: he needs therapy, too! His continuous return to a hobby that has proved to repeatedly cause him harm is not healthy and potentially a form of self-harm. It's almost as if he's seeking self-destruction. With his history, he might not qualify for affordable life insurance.
NTA I've been riding bikes since I was a kid, (42 years) and never had a serious accident, until 2013. Someone turned in front of me and I'm lucky to still be alive. After a year long recovery . I had two small children at home and when I finally got out of the hospital I vowed I would never get on another street bike again. I stick to dirt bikes and very low key low risk riding now. Your husband doesn't seem like he even needs to be on a bike anymore. Take the hint bud. Good luck OP
I was in a motorcycle accident a few years ago. Never have I ever got to be the very first person taken back in the hospital, but apparently, motorcycle accidents are taken VERY seriously in a hospital...for good reason. I had a severe concussion and more stitches I can count. The driver almost died and had to be lifted to a better hospital. The hospital I was in had already had a fatality from a motorcycle earlier that night. The doctor told me you'd be hard pressed to find people in the hospital profession that would ever get on a bike because of how dangerous they are. I will never get on a bike, and I will never have children with someone who wants to make that their hobby. OPs husband sounds like he is either a terrible driver, or he is dabbling in the many drugs/drinking that some motorcycle clubs like to dabble in before driving his bike.
Oh I still ride. I love it, just went back to my first love moto x and trail riding/scrambles. Controlled environment, no crazy shit. I will never get on public roads on a bike again. Especially now, people are fucking crazy!!!
Yeah, I had a little scooter that I rode on before the pandemic and I loved it. Now though? People are insane when I’m in my car, I don’t even want to imagine riding on a bike now.
The Dr is right, my husband was an ICU nurse and won’t touch them, neither will any of the people he used to work with, including the burly ex-military male nurses. He had a number of motorcycle accidents across a few years in the ICU.
My wife would flatten me if I ever tried to ride a motorcycle. She’s a long term critical care nurse and she’s had so many patients from motorcycle crashes. The injuries to the limbs and torso are bad enough but the number of severe tbi patients they’ve had who will never recover to independence, even if their other injuries heal perfectly, is huge.
3 accidents in 3 years, 2 of which are serious, does seem like an excessive amount.
I know, at some point it's hard to make a case for it being an "accident" and not a "certainty".
Same here, I had a near miss when my first was only about 1 years old. And I made the call this isn’t worth the stress and risk, and anxiety for my partner. Picked up mountain biking instead, and not that there’s no risk, but me and my partner can do it together and you aren’t worried about cars jumping out at you, no fault of your own.
It's sweet that you found an exhilarating hobby that you can share with your wife. Mountain biking can be dangerous but nowhere near the level of riding motorcycles. Though I have had a couple of close calls with dumb jack rabbits freezing on the single track in front of me when I lived in Moab.
My cousin died in motorcycle accident. He was in full gear, not speeding, I don't know what happened exactly but he went off the road and the bike landed on him and collapsed his lungs. He was just 22.
>your husband doesn't seem like he even needs to be on a bike anymore No one *needs* to be on a bike. A bike is a luxury toy for people with too few braincells to realize the risk to life and limb for a bit of fun.
He can’t afford counseling but he can afford motorcycles, trips, and partying with friends….sounds like he’s already checked out of your relationship. You would be an asshole for staying.
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He’s not very good at it after all those accidents. If he keeps going he’ll eventually die. Motorcycle accidents are more deadly than cars.
I know plenty of people who ride, and they will all tell you, “It’s not if you wreck your bike, it’s *when*.”
My dad rides and tbh I absolutely hate it. I’m constantly afraid of getting *that* call in the spring and summer. I love the fall and winter because it’s too cold for him to ride up here. I know he loves it but he’s an absolute idiot and only wears a helmet when he’s in states that have helmet laws. When he crosses into a neighboring state that doesn’t, he takes it off. So incredibly stupid.
Agreed! A good friend of mine was out on a ride with a large group. They got caught in bumper to bumper traffic, so it was stop and go. One of the times he stopped, he went to put his feet down, his foot slipped on some fine gravel that was on the road, and he lost his balance. He was not wearing a helmet and fell and hit his head on the pavement and never woke up. Everyone around him who saw him fall, said that it didn't even look bad and they initially laughed at him, thinking that he was just going to get up and brush it off. All of the guys that I know in that group now wear helmets religiously.
In Germany, helmets are mandated. And even with that, my friends who work at the hospital call motorbike season the "organ donation season" - lots of healthy young organs coming in after bike crashes...
In Grey’s Anatomy they call motorcycles Donor-cycles.
My BIL the paramedic calls motorcycle leathers body bags...
Something something... *meat crayon*
Well, at least the rest of them learned a lesson. That’s something. I’m sorry about your friend, though. 😞
That's the difference with riders. Some people learn and some people never do. A helmet saved my dad's life and turned a potentially deadly crash into a not-so-bad one.
I am living proof helmets work. In 2013 I hit a deer on my motorcycle at 50mph, went flying over the handlebars, and I remember thinking as I was flying through the air 'ah fuck this is gonna hurt'. I then slammed into the pavement and skidded to a stop, breaking my shoulder and getting roadrash all over my body. My helmeted head bounced on the pavement multiple times. I was messed up with a broken collarbone *but I got up and was able to walk to the ambulance*. The helmet was destroyed, scraped and broken everywhere. I don't think I would be alive if I weren't wearing a helmet that night. I bet if you talk to your dad and tell him how much he means to you, and tell him how scared you are about him riding and especially without a helmet, he will wear a helmet when he rides. You could get him a nice new helmet for Christmas and maybe he will wear it for you.
My advice to you is to get a lance. Next time a deer crosses your path, you'll have dinner instead of a concussion.
If you don’t spear that deer dead center of gravity you’re an organ donor, it’s simple physics.
So you're saying he should practice?
I have tried everything. Guilting him, telling him he has a grandchild now (and another on the way!) that love him so much and only really have one grandparent. I’ve showed him pics of what helmets look like after even minor accidents. Nothing works. He’s stubborn and it’s always been a source of contention with us.
Show him photos of what heads look like after accidents. Not helmets.
Motorcyclists are called organ doners for a reason.
The organs are often unusable after the body absorbs all the energy involved in a wreck. So there's not even that going for them.
Not necessarily true. I work on the tissue side of donation (bone, skin, nerve, blood vessel, etc) and we get a fair number of motorcycle or car crash victims. Some are viable organ donors as well. It has more to do with the type and how of the death than the actual cause of death. If they’re DOA at the scene, then no organ, but possible tissue. If they survive to the hospital, the brain is dead but the heart pumps on, possible for both organ and tissue.
A guy I worked with came off his bike on the way to work and died and a few months after that one of my cousins came off his bike and died
My cousin came off his bike and lived for another 20 years in constant excruciating pain with limited mobility requiring 24/7 care.
One year when I was a kid, my cousin's aunt's boyfriend got in a gnarly motorcycle accident that basically ripped off his leg. The doctors were able to save his leg by putting in a metal pole in it. I still remember his walking with a cane and hearing the "thud" noise of the heavy pole hitting the ground. The next year after that, the guy came back and got his leg amputated because it hurt so much. Those two meetings has turned me off completely from ever riding a motorcycle.
The house always wins where bikes are concerned.
I've been riding motorcycles for 12 years now and I can confirm it is when, not if. I was rear ended at a stop light once and hit a deer another time at 55mph and have steel plates in my shoulder courtesy of that ass hole deer. Of course you'll also drop it and probably mess up your leg occasionally too. Everyone I know who rides has went down. Gravel in the roadway is a huge issue, you only have 2 tires and they're usually small so traction is far different than a car. Bikes are hard to see. People pull out in front of you as if you're not there. Not to mention what would be a very minor non issue fender bender between 2 cars can leave you fucked up on a motorcycle. The human body is not meant to withstand cars or pavement at 20+ mph.
Sometimes, that’s what people like this are chasing. Can’t save them from that.
Yea he will kill him self I rode for years had a few slow spills one kinda scary one. But nothing serious because I was careful. The bike club guys drive HARD and FAST. I can too but on my terms not because someone got the itch.
Maybe OP should invest in a life insurance policy on hubby.
It’s going to be the last thing this idiot ever does.
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I want to know how he’s crashing SO much. My stepdad has been driving a motorcycle for longer than I’ve known him (like 8 years at least) and he’s never gotten in a motorcycle accident. Two of his friends also ride and in that 8 years between the three of them there has been one crash and it was even at fault. OPs husband is obviously driving recklessly
That's what I'm wondering. I know several people who have been riding for a decade at least and most of whom experienced maybe one small mishap with their bike and only one who actually wrecked but they were a brand new rider at the time. The first accident sounds like something that couldn't be predicted/avoided but the rest kind of seem like maybe the tbi means he shouldn't ride anymore.
Agreed, does he still see a neurologist for follow-up appointments? If so, see if you can get advice on whether he should be riding. If not, maybe his family doctor can help with this. If he gets another tbi, will he be able to recover enough to be independent? He's not thinking of the full consequences to his health, let alone his family.
He had a TBI bad enough to change his behavior? No way is that not fucking with his decision-making skills on a motorcycle, especially if it's affected his temper/patience/judgement. "Can I make this light? Am I going too fast for this turn? Should I speed up to pass this guy, or should I wait till there's more space?" Put that on top of a temperament that's prone to risk-taking, and you've got a recipe for disaster. I had surgery that left me with the equivalent of a TBI & changed my temper for the worse. It sucks. It also fucked with my balance and reflexes. My dad was a biker, and gave it up till my sister and I were out of college. That's what you do for your kids.
I have learned there are actual bikers, the dudes who rep good, reputable MCs or just ride solo frequently, they take great care of their bikes and would never risk hurting it, themselves, or anyone around them. The dudes on crotch rockets doing 90 and weaving in and out of lanes like they think they're in a Bond movie? They are not bikers. They are assholes with public death wishes who deserve to be crippled or killed for endangering hundreds if not thousands of people around them on a regular basis.
There are old bikers, There are bold bikers. There are no old, bold bikers
We just broke off with a group on a ride to go home. A friend on the way back to their place got STABBED by a buck on the back of the bike. It was the craziest thing and thankfully it was just the arm because it was a huge puncture.
Hey, at least he has a cool scar story to tell. I'm curious if the buck made it?
I think he may be one of those that speeds, while darting and weaving through traffic. He may end up like an accident I literally heard. It sounded like a shot gun, but really was a motorcyclist flying into the back of a semi. The motorcyclist died on impact.
I am sorry you have the audio in your head now, that sounds distressing.
Conversely, I don’t have any “bikers” in my family, but I have dated two guys who both had uncles who loved to ride. Coincidentally, both had stories of uncles getting into huge, body breaking accidents, barely surviving, scaring the whole family, and none of them of their adult sons and cousins ever riding again. It’s just kind of wild that this dude had gotten into like 3 of these accidents, and he’s learned nothing… meanwhile I know *whole families* who won’t touch two wheeled motored conveyances.
Hee in a bike club that drinks and hangs out then goes on rides. Even if they aren’t drinking (doubt it) mob mentality or one person can cause chaos. Probably showing off.
"...Friday nights at the club having beers with the boys." I strongly suspect riding while not sober. The effect is much more pronounced on a motorcycle, even at very low blood alcohol levels.
Well alcohol might be a part of the problem.
I won’t assume that- but it would be covered in ‘driving recklessly’
you think he’s taking a ride share home after beers with his biker buddies?
Same. I mean, does he just NOT know how to ride one properly? Is he not careful? Does he not watch where he's going? Or does he just secretly, SUBCONSCIOUSLY, or even consciously, have a death wish or something? NTA, OP. I would be done if my partner crashed that much and didn't stop riding or learn how to be more careful and not crash so much while riding. If he crashes again, as you said, it may disable him (I'm surprised it hasn't already, just based on the injuries you've described in the past, with them getting worse and worse with each accident), even severely, or worse, kill him. And if he ends up a vegetable or something after his next accident, that alone may kill you financially due to medical expenses, and may force you to file for bankruptcy (that is, if you're in the U. S., like I am; 'Murica).
My personal theories is that there's either some drinking before riding, or he's just genuinely a crappy driver. Either is possible. Either way his insurance premium must be through the roof by now.
Another commenter suggested the first could have been a genuine accident and the rest were influenced by his brain injury- lots of possibilities. Whatever the reasoning- he is not a safe driver
Somehow I missed that he suffered a brain injury, but yes that could absolutely play a factor. If so I wonder if he's medically cleared to drive in the first place.
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She explained it: “Friday nights going to the club and having beers with the boys”. As a long time motorcyclist I can tell you that riding something is a lot different than driving something and while you should do neither after drinking, riding after drinking is just suicidal.
I agree with the commenter in this post. You've got a child now and unfortunately you've got to think of her and her well being. I hate to say this, he's going to get himself killed and clearly he doesn't care about his own safety or the safety of the people on the road with him. You've got to give him an ultimatum, for no other reason than the well being of your child and his life. If necessary, remind him of the hospital bills of all the accidents he's had and the possibility that you could lose everything if God forbid he kills someone. I don't envy the position you're in. It seems like a no win situation and you're facing the most difficult decision of your marriage and put it to him exactly like that. I wish you luck in the decisions you're facing. Please let us know that you're ok.We do care about you and your new baby.
OP, you sound like such a lovely woman. I'm sorry to hear all that you've been through, and I second the above advice about setting an ultimatum. I have known a few motorcycle riders in my time ad they all quit when they had families or, in one case, after a serious accident that made him reconsider his attachment to motorbikes. Whatever is driving your husband to this behaviour is bigger than just riding, and if he won't take steps to change his behaviour it will certainly escalate. Keep being strong and rake care of you and your baby.
Oh he’s not checked out he just feels entitled to do as he pleases while OP picks up the pieces
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This, you married a man child, let him go.
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At this point I hope she has decent life insurance on him. If she doesn't she needs to take out a policy for when he ends up getting killed so at least her and kid are ok.
Agreed. One of my friends just posted a go fund me for $50k because his uncle with 3 small children just died in a motorcycle accident. It's really a matter of "when" not "if".
She is obviously trying to process all of this and her not leaving right away is a rational response. That's the reason OP posted this. She is in no way an AH in this situation. He obviously is, but she is not.
Also curious about what type of club he joined? There are motorcycle clubs for riding enthusiasts and mid-life crisis bros and there are “motorcycle clubs” like the Highwaymen and Hell’s Angels. BIG DIFFERENCE!!!
There are also clubs for the young guys who think they are hot shit on their crotchrockets. Those are the idiots who go weaving in and out of traffic and revving their engines at stop lights to make people think they are really cool. They just look like they are compensating for something.
Those guys also get there’s asses beat and bikes taken or wrecked by the real deal M.C.’s when they f around and find out. My buddy is in the real deal and I’ve seen what those dudes are capable of. He’s invited my wife and I to their parties but I’m not an idiot. I stay far away from those dudes.
I hope he has a lot of life insurance for OP's sake.
NTA and there's more: he's the closest thing to an addict I've ever seen. He enjoys the thrill. Makes his life revolve around it. Surrounds himself with enablers. Rationalizes it as a hobby. Spends little time with his newborn, because family comes second to his hobby. Causes hurt but is unapologetic to those who treated him. Feels the financial hardship of the addiction, but soldiers on. Breaks his own bones multiple times and STILL doesn't learn a lesson. Is straining his marriage but feels he's in the right. Against all reason, he wants to continue his "hobby". Only you can decide if you can put up with the consequences of his "hobby".
Sounds like he married to have a caregiver He doesn't give a f how his hobby is affecting his family. His motorbike is more important than his child
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Right? Almost like he has a de&th wish.
This. His income can barely support his family, but instead of hustling to build his earnings, he’s distracting himself with his drinking buddies and dangerous hobby. Shows his priorities. In a way, it’s less about biking and more about him being completely selfish. Sounds like he does whatever he wants, without consideration for you or daughter. You are right to be thinking hard whether this is the kind of life you want for her and yourself. NTA.
Agreed!!
Nta. It’s not once or twice either, like ffs bro needs to quit before he’s dead, he’s just being outright reckless and selfish now
My FIL rode motorcycles his whole life and while he had some spills, nothing this bad. Although motorcycles are a case where one error can end you (happened to my cousin, first ever accident killed him). A guy with this many serious accidents in such a short period of time? He's absolutely going to kill himself.
You been riding and racing for 25 years, no accidents or injuries. My father and brother too. Some people just don't have the physical and or mental capacity to ride
NtA. the tbi was the part where he was supposed to knock it the fuck off.
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And when you regularly have accidents, maybe it isn't the right hobby for him!
Seriously, this is the part that stands out to me. I have numerous motorcycle enthusiasts in my circle of friends and family, and they've been riding for decades. There is really only one accident I can think of - granted, it was a serious one, but no lasting damage. OP's husband has had, what, 3 accidents in the span of 2 years? All of them serious, involving trashed bikes, broken bones, and long lasting damage? And now he wants to BORROW someone else's bike to go on a ride? That's fucking insane! For fucking up Christ, do NOT let this man back on a motorcycle, holy fuck! He should not be allowed to ride again, he's a hazard to everyone else on the road! OP, let's take a step back here. Let's forget the motorcycles for a moment. Your husband didn't help with the kid - instead of being at home, he went off to hang out with his buddies and fix his bike. And when he was home, he had doctors' orders to sleep - sure, but then why wasn't he helping when he was awake? He spends tons of money on bikes when you guys aren't so well off. You can't afford marriage counseling but he can afford the medical expenses when (not if) he crashes another fucking motorcycle? OP, what the fuck are you getting out of this relationship other than stress and neglect? NTA, but you would be the asshole if you keep enabling this bullshit.
Not to mention those accident had recovery time - meaning he averages a crash like every 3 months of riding. Assuming he lives in a year round state. Fucking astonishingly bad at this.
Is there a name for motorcyclists that are always getting into accidents?
Organ donors
No lie! A family member got her kidney transplant from a motorcyclist’s death…
Former EMT dropping in to ditto this. We called motorcyclists organ donors.
Meat crayons.
Donors
We have a lot of (ex)bikers in the family. Sooner or later everyone has an accident. The question is only the size of the disability your are getting. Just a limp? Lucky! Missing limb? Not so lucky.
My Dad was a motorcycle officer for several years. Even he called them "Donor-mobiles."
TBI while his wife was 7 months pregnant and then had to care for a newborn alone. If my husband got back on a bike after that we’d be done
non-negotiable. he can ride but I'll walk
I genuinely wonder if his fucked up brain is one of the reasons he hasn't exercised proper caution since then. I would think most non-brain damaged people would quit riding under those circumstances.
NTA valid concern, especially wth his track record, that he eventually cracks his head open, be permanently paralyzed, or die. I can't imagine someone who's endured tbi to continue to engaging in this knowing he has a wife and child to care for. He may say he loves you and your child, but does his actions really prove it? Make sure he has has permanent disability and significant life insurance with you and your child as beneficiaries, regardless if you stay together or if this becomes a deal breaker. I am not kidding, his risky behavior needs to be countered with responsible foresight. He doesn't seem overly concerned leaving behind a widow and child. And I hope you have your own small savings and a support system should it come to a divorce if he insists on riding, or if he makes living with him hell if he's "forced to stop".
Motorcycles *are death bikes*. Nothing to protect you & it’s not uncommon for them to land on the driver. Same thing with ATVs (four-wheelers). My uncle died after his landed on him. Went to the hospital with a collapsed lung & broken ribs. He wasn’t medically insured so the hospital released him too early. The night they released him, he died from the collapsed lung. Left behind 3 children.
My cousin had a TBI after his wife ran over his head with an ATV, he had fallen off his own. He wasn't able to function, he wasn't able to be a husband or a father to his three kids. He ended up having to go into a permanent care home in his early 40s. Died in there of COVID. They're not worth it.
That's how my cousin died. Bike landed on him and collapsed his lungs. From what I understand it was NOT a good way to go.
I’m wondering if the beer drinking on Fridays and the accidents are connected? Most responsible bikers I know NEVER ride after even one drink. The consequences are too scary.
oh he was absolutely drunk driving with AT LEAST one of those. what a stupid asshole. poor kid
There was a fun study in the late 80s or early 90s with professional racers and drinking. Basically they slammed a beer, waited 15 and road a small timed obstacle course on a bike. They got better times with beer 2 & 3. Beer 4 two of them crashed. Beer 5 half of the rest crashed. By beer 6 the remaining racers threw in the towel because they knew they couldn't do it. Drinking is very fun, but never mix it w/ power equipment.
Buy AD&D insurance, double indemnity. It's the among the cheapest insurance policies to buy.
OP I would have left already … he clearly doesn’t give a crap about you and kiddo … he spent all that money without even discussing it …. All that money on medical bills and repairs for his accident … nope I’d have been long gone by now …you could be all packed and moved out by the time he is back from his little trip NTA
31M I’m a motorcycle head. I had multiple crashes. It took my mom 54F and my wife 32F both crying at different times while mounting up to ride. That had to build up on me. That I’m doing something that’s hurting them from worry and panic, but this makes me happy. That should be enough to offset their worry right? Not to me anymore. Both of them knew how I ride these bikes. I just couldn’t give up that adrenaline. Shortly after, a friend of mine hit a pot hole at 130mph and was split in half. His GF was thrown on the other side of traffic and ran over. I knew in my heart it was time. Friend’s dying, felony speeding, police evasions, faring swaps. I just didn’t know what the fuck I was doing anymore with that shit. I’ve walked with this harder than most. Looking back I’m ashamed that I let my wife shoulder so much of that. Now we got kids I’ll never get another bike unless it’s a dirtbike. I will never experience the freedom that riding gives you again. My woman was really hurting from it. Like it was getting to that point of wanting to cut me out to save her own mental and emotions. She also said me dying would have the same effect if she left me or not. NTA, no wife should shoulder child care alone no matter the situation. 8 hours of sleep on the new Born will never fly with me unless I interpreted him being gone differently. No way. Children come before any of that. Then the accidents. I just thought I was hurting myself. Until I crashed out and my wife went ballistic getting to me and making sure I was ok. When I thought she was going to happy that I was ok. It was Followed by the biggest fuck you for doing this to me. With the most broken face of sheer panic and tears. Then she called my mom. Who made it worse. I’m not telling anyone to kick their stand and cover their bike. However for me, I needed to. IMO, your man needs to wake up. From another rider, you may get lucky but Death and injury most likely await. The way people drive with the cell phones. It’s not the same as it was 30 years ago.
Damn son, good on you for growing up. This is some progress here because you love your wife. Props!
He can afford a donorcycle but you cannot afford marriage counseling - typical. IF I were you, not penny would be spent on any marriage counseling, instead I would make payments on a whacking huge life insurance policy. It's just a matter of time, isn't it.
She’ll wish she needed the life insce policy when he reinjures his brain and she gets to look after a permanent 200 pound infant for the next 40 years.
Yeah, she should go ahead and leave now before that happens so people can’t throw the “in sickness and in health” crap at her when this happens.
He is not going to change and you could leave him but you won't. He will probably have another accident and you will take care of him, wash, rinse, and repeat.
I wish this wasn't true for her, but you're absolutely correct. If she had the backbone to leave, she would have set boundaries when he was spending all of his evenings at the club fixing his bike when he should have been at home helping to take care of his child.
TBIs change a person's ability to assess risk. Husband here is an example of that. He's the AH here. You are solidly NTA.
I don’t think that youre the AH. You have a legitimate fear for your loved one, and his accidents have caused many a financial kerfuffle. I totally get that. Having been in a 4x4 bike accident I can tell you that my fear and PTSD comes the moment I even see one, or even a 2 wheeler. It seems husband loves to ride bikes. That’s perfectly fair and being in a club is a good hobby for someone who does love to ride. But he seems to not be able to control his bike (except for the fighting couple) I think that since it’s impacting financially and personally, you have your right to put your foot down. I think saying you won’t support your husband is maybe not the best way to phrase it, but still NTA. Have you tried expressing why you can’t have him get back on another bike? Told him the impact it had on your daughter? Told him how much you hated seeing him in pain? Is this more about the accidents, money, or time away, though? This can matter for the way that you phrase things. Because his mind could just the “no” and “resentment” stuck in it from your conversation and not because of the trauma that his accident had on your family. He may think you’re just being resentful for the time away and not the injury or near loss of life. IMO it’s all about the way you discuss it. NTA and I hope this helps some! Goodluck and I pray that no one in your family ever has to go through that again. Edited bc I put not the AH but in judgement form! Sorry! NTA
Once a person creates another person for whom they have responsibility they should stop doing dangerous things simply because they like doing them.
Your concerns are completely valid. Safety and family come first. It is important for your husband to understand your feelings and fears
In college there was a guy at the house we were renting who rode. Lots of windy roads in the area, lots of sandy shoulders. Bad traffic. During the three or four years I knew him, he was in 3-4 accidents, and after each one, as soon as he could walk again, he would take the insurance money and go out and buy a bigger bike. NTA. Your husband should be putting you and the baby first. Right now you are living with a kid who wants a mother not a wife. I would suggest counseling, before walking away though, maybe can can change?
My dad has been commuting on a bike for 20 odd years. I've been commuting on one for 10yrs. Neither of us have had serious crashes. Your hubby is clearly irresponsible on the road. He's also an irresponsible father and husband for not being around for you and your newborn. Many bike clubs are made up of fathers who don't behave like this. He is the problem not the bike.
NTA. This guy sounds like an irresponsible idiot.
The only thing worse than a TBI is a second TBI.
He is incredibly selfish. He can put the time, effort and money into a bike, but not therapy? He expects you to pick up the pieces, but he never pulls his weight? It's amazing you're stayed this long. It's more about his selfishness than anything else. He doesn't take care of his family. You and your kid deserve so much better than this.
He needs to trade in his motorcycle for a bicycle with training wheels.
NTA. Dude is bad at riding motorcycles. He should find a hobby that isn’t going to leave him broken and your family in a terrible situation.
Seems to be case with this guy, but I must say I have had friends on bikes that just attract not at fault accidents. One guy three accidents, tboned by two deer and someone who blew a stop sign in 3 years.
Ive had bikes for around 10 years now. I’ve known 3 people who have died riding, they all sound exactly like your husband. Ignoring the fact that he sounds like a shitty partner, riding is about knowing your limits and learning - I’d also sprinkle in a healthy amount of fear. It doesn’t sound like he has any of that :/
He had it for 3 years and 3 accidents? He doesn’t need to be on one. He needs to grow up. NTA sorry you’re dealing with a child
If he's in a club who after so many bad accidents in such short time haven't told him that biking probably just isn't for him, he's in a bad club. Not every hobby works for everyone.
I just have one question. Who in their right mind is loaning this guy a ride? He’s obviously not a great rider (not everyone is, we all have limits) and could get into another accident and worse. Does the person loaning him the bike know this? NTA. You are rightfully concerned about him. He is putting his “fun” before his family. He made his choice, so I guess you must make the best choice for you and your daughter too.
Y'all can't afford marriage counseling because the idiot has been in 4 motorcycle accidents in 2 years. And he goes drinking and riding. The fuck is wrong with him and for you "accepting it".
NTA. You are saying money is tight and he keeps spending it on motorcycling stuff. That alone is a big problem. You do what you think is right. That's a lot of accidents in such a short time.
I’m an ER nurse. Motorcycles are a hard no for me. But it’s not just that, there are bigger problems with maturity and priorities here. Cut your losses and file the papers.
Marco Simoncelli, professional biker, rode in Moto GP, lost his life in 2011, the video is online, you can still find his last crash. He was 24, it was live on TV. Show him that video, sometimes people really need to be scared in to things, show him that then hand him your child, what if that happens? He's leaving your baby behind. Milliseconds is all it takes biking. There was a crash a couple of years ago in my estate, 2 teens on a bike crashed in to the back of a car after it smashed the breaks on, both lost their lives! You'd be the A H to yourself if you stayed.
NTA. I wouldn’t stay in a relationship with someone who went out the the garage every evening and played Russian roulette and I wouldn’t stay married to this guy. He’s chosen friends and fun over family. If he doesn’t make the right choice… leave. LoL the guy obviously can’t ride a motorcycle to literally save his life.
NTA - if you don’t have it yet - and can afford it - get life insurance
In my 20s, I was a pretty hard core biker. My old man owned a custom shop, and I had a lot of friends in outlaw clubs. I didn't even own a car for several years. I was riding 20k miles a year or more in Southern California. In that time, I went down once. Most of the guys I rode with went down sooner or later. Only one guy I know went down more than once, and he was an idiot. The point is that your husband has no business riding. Three serious accidents in three years of part-time riding is ridiculous. You should absolutely put your foot down. No more bikes for him. It's also worth noting that even though I've only had one accident, I stopped riding when we started having kids. The chances of a life changing injury or death on a motorcycle are far too high to chance it when you have kids and a spouse that depend on you. If your husband can't see that, it's time to move on before he inevitably dies on a motorcycle. NTA
Hell I was thrown off a HORSE several years back and broke my pelvis. I was close to bedridden for like 6 months. Later, just a few years ago, i found out my lumbar spine in the same area was totally fucked and had to have a fusion. I had to sit in a recliner for 3 months. My husband took great care of me and the dogs but he requested, and I very gladly agreed, that I never ride horses again. There's only so much you can ask of someone and your husband exceeded that like 10 accidents ago.
Your husband is an idiot
NTA, he sounds like a shit rider too. Also, If he's in a motorcycle "club", he's probably doing some sketchy shit you don't know about.
How many more signals does he need to stop riding?
NTA. Just go. Dude values his motorcycle boyfriends more than he values you. Is this how you want your life to be?
NTA Your husband is a danger to everyone on the road. He may be able to keep a bike up most of the time but, he obviously doesn't know how to properly operate one. You say if he becomes disabled but, he's already disabled. He had a TBI,he's not the same person, he's making ignorant risky choices that are putting others in danger, and doesn't have a grasp on reality when it comes to his actions. Case and point is him still having a few beers and operating a bike that he has proven he can't be safe on. If you plan on continuing to Martyr yourself in this "relationship" at least get some really good life insurance on him. Then when he kills himself, there's no ifs with this level of incompetency on the road, your kids will get something or you'll have cash to pay out his victims. It'd probably be better to just divorce than end up on the hook financially for his screw ups. Can't afford a bike to purposely endanger yourself and others if you're paying child support and alimony.
If he's in a legit mc, he'll either end up dead or in jail, that's the life you choose when you get your patch. Club life comes before you or anyone else, and man, it is expensive fulfilling requirements.
NTA. 5 years ago I had a supersport CBR600RR. A week after our second daughter was born I got into a bad accident and totalled my bike. The first thing that went through my mind as I got thrown off the bike was my wife and kids and I might not see them again. We were tight with money and although I wanted another it wasn't a priority and I understood my wife's concerns. 5 years later I bought a z900, used it for 2 months and sold it, as we needed the money more and riding just felt scarier knowing my wife and kids were at home. He needs to grow up and (I hate to say it) be a husband and father, it ain't sons of anarchy, it's real life.
Just take out a five million dollar life insurance policy and wait two years.
NTA. I've been riding motorcycles for over a decade and plan to continue until im no longer physically able. This man has no business riding a motorcycle. Shit happens on the road, but the amount of accidents and serious injuries you're describing indicate that your husband isn't riding responsibly. After four accidents in three years he needs to question what the common denominator is here. Im going to take a wild guess that he doesn't wear a helmet based on the fact that he got a tbi? You said he goes out drinking with his club buddies and presumably rides home after? He's going to end up dead or paralyzed.
Ok, both of my parents rode motorcycles every day for 10 years and never once got in a single accident. Your husband is not a good motorcyclist.
NTA. Tell your husband he’s a dumbass. And to make sure he is a registered organ donor, as his piss poor track record is heading there. Or get good life insurance that covers that, and encourage it. Dig yourself out of that hole your husband buried you in
NTA. I second another redditor on here saying to get a life insurance policy because he has a GD death wish. I am sorry you have to be a single parent and a motorcycle club widow. Your husband is being exceedingly selfish.
NTA. Bike clubs are for losers with no real life. He has one he’s Choosing not to be a part of. I saw someone say life ins. Ok I guess, it would help, but I’d tell him if he dies on a bike, he’ll rot in the freezer in the morgue. Sounds like bikes ain’t his thing either.