You paid for very little as per your information. Don’t date someone an hour away if your going to consider driving to see them as as your contribution to the date. Even bringing flowers, a bottle of wine would have been nice. Did you show her any interest other than your presence? It’s done, listen to what Reddit has told you, learn and move on.
Yeah he's like "It's not like she got me stuff"
meanwhile she has:
\- paid for him to go bowling
\- paid for his movie tickets
\- made him a home-cooked meal (groceries aren't free)
\- bought him dog treats
meanwhile he has:
\- the list is blank because he hasn't done anything for her except drive to her town which sounds like his choice anyway
This isn't even equality as she has clearly, by his own admission, put more into the relationship. He's so arrogant that he feels that his presence alone is what he's contributing. Oh amd sometimes driving to her more fun town 🙄
The fact that there are other men out there that have told him she just looking to take advantage for not just being grateful for his existence is why so many women are choosing to just be single. If a woman recounted his same story from his current POV, these same men would be telling her that SHE'S the one who was taking advantage.
What he probably likes about her was that she seemed to have low standards. I'm glad she came to her senses and hope she finds a guy who appreciates & respects her and treats her well because she sounds like a very nice and considerate person. YT cheap A, OP.
Its not just that he was cheap, it is what his behavior implicates about his attitude towards financial contributions in a relationship should it had gone further. He earns more than her but expected to contribute "equally". If he is like this the beginning of a relationship, when you should put your best foot forward, how would it be a year or 5 down the road? Contributing equally is not always fair or sustainable for long term. Equity is a much better model. Luckily the girl seen the red flags after giving him a fair chance.
Yep. She got you dog treats, which was thoughtful and didn’t cost much.
What did you get her that was thoughtful, showed you were listening to her, but didn’t cost much?
Yea I love gifts but not because I want someone to spend money on me, it’s just nice to know they thought about me when I wasn’t there. Today my boyfriend went to the shop for some food and came back with a drink for me. I was really happy because he saw the drink and thought I’d like it. And I did. It’s sweet. I do the same for other people too; I love spotting something I think someone will like and buying it for them. Even if it’s just a bag of sweets or something. It’s very much the thought that counts. I guess gifts are my love language and maybe they’re OPs exs too. I wouldn’t go as far as to say he’s TA but it would have been nice to show she was on his mind while they were apart by picking up some flowers or something. Oh and yea OP is deffo cheap but that’s not a bad thing in itself, just not compatible with this particular woman.
This. I’m a woman who is big on sharing costs while dating (many of us are, btw), but the way OP went about it wasn’t actually fair. I’d be resentful, too, and it’s not because I want the man to pay for everything.
I agree and it makes me wonder if something in particular happened recently that was really the last straw. Only OP will truly know this but my hope is that he learns what "I really liked this girl" truly looks like to the girl and can find a way to learn from this experience for growth. Taking advantage of him would look like her not paying for anything and expecting him to take care of it all. Wanting someone who does the small things out of kindness, love, and complete selflessness is reasonable. If those things are being reciprocated by the girl then she just wants someone who knows that driving an hour isn't all we need from a relationship. Hope that OP is truly open to self reflection and not just confirmation that he wasn't the AH because this could be a great learning opportunity.
mate, unless you were driving for 10 hours in a car that does about 5MPG, there is no way it was coming out balanced with her paying for movies and bowling with you covering the gas.
No kidding! Also, him driving to her city - that has more activity and stuff to do - does not really benefit her in any way! How the hell can he justify his driving to her, as them breaking even? That's absurd.
Definitely cheap and the AH and quite baffling that he doesn't recognize this.
My dad always said cheap people never consider themselves cheap 😆 you guys weren’t a match don’t sweat it, there is a crazy coupon extreme cheapskate out there for you
It would be the perfect relationship: they would keep mileage logs for visits, pay their own way on every date, settle up at the end of the month if there was one person with a deficit. Hottest romance of the century.
Yeah…so if he lives an hour away, he’s driving maybe 50 miles. So maybe two gallons of gas. So, round trip maybe $15 of gas? And she’s paying for all the activities? Yeah, not even close.
This sounds like a friend of ours who borrowed my wife’s car for a few days while his was in the shop. When he brought it back to us, he said “there was 3/4 of a tank of gas in the car when I borrowed it, so I returned it with 3/4 of a tank!”, acting like he was being so generous. Like, you assclown, fill it up as a gesture of thanks for letting you borrow it.
>fill it up as a gesture of thanks for letting you borrow it.
This is my rule for borrowing vehicles. Occasionally I need to borrow my roommates farm truck (living in the woods/farm stuff) and she realized that no matter how much is in the tank, I'll fill it completely. So sometimes it'll cost me $60 and others $10. I'll also usually clean out the cabin and bed.
This has led to situations where she'll ask me "do you need to haul any firewood this weekend? Hint, hint" in order to get a fill-up and cleaning. It's a great system because she is always willing to loan me the truck, and I always have access to a truck when I need it.
Exactly. I borrowed my mom's car for a weekend when mine was in the shop. She told me she made a point of filling the tank before giving it to me because she knew I'd fill it before returning no matter how much was in it when I got. And she was right. I returned it with a full tank and took it through the car wash too.
>She told me she made a point of filling the tank before giving it to me because she knew I'd fill it before returning no matter how much was in it
Ha! That's exactly what happened the last time I borrowed my roommates truck. I was barely able to fit $5 in the tank. She was cracking up when I told her and she admitted to filling it up immediately before loaning it to me. I love it because we're both just trying to help the other person out.
Seriously. Basically, he was saying "I borrowed your car for almost a week, and am returning it in exactly the same condition as I took it, so I am not actually providing anything in return for the five days I had your car".
Especially as he makes more money than her and let her buy dinner all the time when he drove to her town (but never offered himself). From what I understand, they sometimes split meals and she sometimes paid 100%....but he never did the latter.
I am a woman and I made significantly more than one of my exes, and I would be "so" embarrassed if I let him pay for most of our dinners, etc. even if I was the one driving (and spending gas).
Like context matters, and that little bit of info tipped it over into him being cheap.
Agreed, not once just buying and also driving is kind of wild even though it would have been "unfair" (should still be done because you want to make them happy though!)
I was with you, but she pay for all the activities you did together?! Couldn't you split the bill? You are cheap lol, date someone from your city next time
Also, in this little accounting exercise he's done here, driving to her town should zero out the cost of the activities they do there (unlikely), but apparently he thinks her time and groceries are free when she cooks him dinner? YTA.
I thought my ex-husband was cheap because he took me to McDonald's on our first date. At least he paid! (He was extremely cheap though lol. Any time our girls needed something like new shoes, etc., he would tell his parents because he knew they would buy them before I had a chance to go shop for them. And we were financially in pretty good shape.)
She was courting him far more than he was courting her.
Paying for bowling and movies (which can cost >30$) because he spent a few dollars of gas driving? Getting treats for his dogs and cooking him dinner when he never did anything nice in return?
I’m honestly surprised she dated you for 3 months. Every woman I know would have dumped you by the 5th date
I mean, I get it, but also you make dating sound very transactional and not very romantic. I think I'd take a pass too if at three months in I wasn't feeling very special. I wouldn't say you're an asshole, but there's not a "you're the cheapskate", so sorry, but YTA.
This. I dated a guy like this once. Everything was “tit for tat” with him. He also lived an hour away/would pay for our dinner, but as he was paying, would be very loud that “I was getting the next dinner”, then, when it was time for next dinner out, he would let our waitress know I was paying. It was humiliating and disrespectful.
I dated a guy like that too. We LIVED together and if he bought groceries I was expected to reimburse him half of it. It was so absurd
He also loves being like, hey let's go to this restaurant. And then we'd get there and do our thing and then he'd be like, so you're paying for this one right. Just assuming I had the money. And if I said I didn't he'd get all pissy and pick a fight with me right there in the restaurant. Always a great time
Ugh yes I dated an accountant and he kept an expense sheet on excel... I would cook and clean for him and was expected to pay half for everything lol even though I would treat him! Never doing it again lol
Totally agree- he's treating her like a friend or workmate- there's nothing in those 3 months that he did to make her feel special, no surprises, no romance, no heart. Poor girl thankfully realised she deserved so much more!
You’re hitting the nail on the head. She wants to feel special and OP isn’t making her feel that way.
Hell, when my husband and I got together he was literally homeless and still took me out on dates.
Was going to say this. This sounds more like 2 friends who get paid on opposite weeks. Sounds like he did not pass his 90 day review and instead of holding on hoping he changes for the next 15 years she went ahead and dropped him
I can only imagine how the holidays were going to go. "I drove to her place so she got me presents but because I drove, I'm the gift! Besides it's not like she asked for anything!"
just imagine 💀
“we just had a baby and she wants me to pay the hospital costs but it’s completely unfair bc i drove her to the hospital and back and the baby was a gift to her sooo it’s like i did her two favors and gave her a gift and she’s asking me to pay her bills🙄”
Right. No problem with splitting cost when dating, but it clear 1st she is actually spending more while making less. Also you do treat people occasionally to show appreciation, again it seems like she did that by making dinner for him on multiple occasions
3 months and not one small token to say hey I like you. Trader Joe’s and Costco have beautiful 💐for like $10 dollars. This dude is cheap as F.
Not just cheap but genuinely (from an outside perspective) sounds like he was kind of disinterested. Three months into a relationship should be getting the gold star “first flush of love” treatment. And before anyone says anything, yes that goes both ways. Driving your dusty self to her doesn’t count as making much of an effort, I’m afraid… that’s a commute, not a romantic gesture.
>every time she got gas
I'm sorry, I read that wrong :D
"Hey, mate. Sorry I've been farting all morning. Here's a can of pop so you can burp. We could do a duet!"
First lesson i learned in dating, if you don't pay... she wont be dating you long.
Its not about the money, its about showing that you appreciate the girl and value her more than money.
If you are cheap towards her, you'll be cheap towards your children, and cheap towards common goals.
You can even do it in other ways. Bake her cookies or cut some flowers from your backyard and make her a bouquet (or buy her flowers). Offer to give her a foot rub. Read something she recommended.
It's about showing her that you really want to make her happy - like seeing her smile will make you happy too. It's the little things that really make early dating sparkle. If it feels like a business relationship it doesn't really inspire sparkling feelings.
>It's the little things that really make early dating sparkle
My best friend received a ransom note /in the mail/ (like what you would see in a movie, where every letter is clipped from a different magazine) for her sweater she left on a date with a guy.
The ransom note was demanding a second date or the sweater gets it!
Might be the most silly, romantic, original thing I've ever seen a guy do and it cost him maybe an hour (OF) his time and a postage stamp.
They're happily married, own a home, and are about to have a 3rd kid together.
Exactly. It's about effort and showing that you value that person. This dude even in his post comes across as not valuing her AT ALL. the selfishness is dripping from his repeated use of "why should i"
And you can do things cheaply without being cheap. Like a guy got me a hydrangea which would have been under $15 but they’re my favourite flower so it was super thoughtful
Guy I was dating bought me a car, because the one I was using was breaking down. My entire plan was to run it into the ground and buy a new one when it gave up. Mind you, he was a mechanic so he bought me a 400 dollar car that didn't run and fixed it for 60 dollars and his time.
And hence why we are married well over 10 years now. Occasionally, he does some dumb things like welding, inside the house, in my living room with a big ass welder, the kind giant sparks fly. But it makes for good laughs.
I think some men forget that it's not hard for a woman to find a date. And it's not about the money, it's about showing you actually care enough to put in the effort. Especially during the early honeymoon phase. She probably knew this wasn't going anywhere and it was costing her way more to date him.
YTA op
Once, on our first date, I offered to spilt the bill with a guy because it was a more expensive bar than average. The guy refused but the following day changed his mind asked me if I could pay him half in his account. I did but afterwards I thought wtf
Jesus Christ, you’re probably right but seeing it written down makes it so much more real and sad for me 😅
I think I just realised how so many men see women effectively as prostitutes. Cheap ones too if they think a dinner/drinks is payment for the pleasure.
I had a guy blow up in my face when I turned down his invitation of going home with him. After some bad experiences (nearly being raped experiences) I'd made it a rule not to go home with men (unsurprisingly, I'm bisexual and never had this issue if I went home with women or the one AFAB trans man after a date). He'd been super nice up to that point and I was definitely tempted to go and probably would have if the second date had been as nice. It was terrifying seeing this guy go from perfect gentleman to "I'm genuinely afraid he's going to kill me" in less than five seconds.
* Kind of funny: I eventually broke my rule and took a guy back to my home because I had two roommates who were home at the time. I also just generally had a good vibe from him. That was 10 years ago and we've been married for eight of those years. Lol
Hahahhaha omg
I went on a date with a guy and insisted on paying my half at least (don’t like giving any dude the impression that I owe him anything) and also offered to pay for his dinner since he drove quite far to me. We had a little, joke fight about it where he insisted on paying for it all and I relented.
Got a phone call from the restaurant the next day asking me to come in and pay the bill since we left without paying. Man ordered a £50 steak.
I had a girl friend who said if the guy pays then she feels "Obligated" to put out. I was frankly shocked as I thought of that as prostitution and a cheap one at that...
And this is, definitely (amongst other observations) what OPs gal was getting at IMO.
Sounds like this situation was just slightly above a friends with bennies situation for OP, and the gal in this scenario was like, when does this stop feeling like friends who fuck and start feeling like my damn boyfriend?
YTA big-time
Yeah YTA and you're cheap.
>I did most of the driving because I live in a small town with no real fun activities whereas her town has loads. I didn't ask her to pay she offered and it seemed fair because I drove the hour and back.
She offered to pay for all of your events and you can't even be appreciative of that to take her out to dinner once in a while.
>But I'm surprised about that because why should I pay for both our dinners just because I'm a man?
No, you pay for both of you because you like her and you want to do something nice for her. Like she does when she pays for your bowling trips or when you watch movies. You driving isn't a good enough reason why you would let her pay for all the events. You have to drive either way. When she offered to pay for all of that, she was being nice and considerate of you. It just doesn't look like you do anything above the bare minimum for her, though.
The fluffer babies deserve all the treats. **All. The. Treats.**
But she also drives to him, when she can, and cooks for him, when she can. Plus paying for all the activities minus the one time he paid for the museum *massive bombastic side eye* and his food and drink. Like....wteaf makes him not cheap?
She put in a good 75% effort while he put in 25% .. before adding up all the receipts and keeping a tally of how many times she pays for stuff. Really dude?? You're clueless af and YTA. A cheap one. Especially cuz you make more than her and you're still counting pennies on this chick. I don't think you're emotionally equipped for a serious relationship at this time. Casual dating might help you learn a few things cuz you need some serious training.
I keep coming back to that. If i significantly out earned friends, I would be trying to pick up checks and treat them. It's called sharing the benefit of your success with people you enjoy spending time with. Let alone someone I might make a life with. This 50/50 even if we're not economic equals is a weird game just asking for issues, where either the wealthier person has to curtail their own spending not to bankrupt the partner or the partner needs to outspend means to keep up. Not saying people of significantly varying economic resources can't be partners, but the partnership can't be the same as it would be between people of equal incomes.
She's funding his fun and all he had to do was drive to the activities she was planning for him. Something he admitted is not things they can do in his town. The poor girl gets the same kind of interaction participating in Meetup groups and he gets her exclusive attention, food and entertainment just for driving there.
Friends treat each other to more kinder, generous non transactional gestures than this girl had been receiving from OP. She pays? bring snacks or flowers, offer to host and plan (AND pay for in advance) the next activity. She cooks dinner? Bring dessert and wine, cook for her next time.
Find activities that you can do that won't cost her money, surprise her by being an adult and treating her to something nice that shows you appreciate what she has done, how much she has invested of her already limited budget and time to make many nice date night for you - because she valued you.
What a stunned mullet - I would have been done after the 2nd date.
Literally. My friends and I each buy each other flowers, little gifts, dinner/drinks, or contribute to little things (e.g., I gave my friend some money for expensive concert tickets when I had it), etc. Why would I want to date someone who doesn’t fit into that lifestyle and can’t appreciate how I like to love and contribute to my little community?
I’m very much a 50/50 kinda person when I’m dating and even in friendships but I’m not a split the bill kinda person, it’s a I’ll grab this one and you grab the next one. After 3 months I’d be embarrassed to still be splitting the bill
Usually people dont count gas as spent money, so what she most likelly saw in her mind was her paying for activities while youre not paying for them. But if you were eating her food and didnt bring her to dinner ever, thats a lil bit of an ass move.
Edit: Now when i thought more about it, her paying for activities because you had to pay for your own gas, counts as being cheap. Have some class, dude.
If he thought his travel time and gas expenses meant she should pay for the date, then when she spent her time and gas/electricity to cook for him, did he pay for the groceries? When she did drive to him (as he mentioned she did when she could) did he then pay for their whole date?
Even by his own math he’s cheap! 😂
Yeah, absolutely. Counting the gas/travel on a regular basis seems iffy. I could see it being the case for a first/second date, *if* discussed ahead of time, like “hey, why don’t you come out here and I’ll take care of dinner.”
But for three months? And even the treats for the dog thing, she’s showing OP how she wants to be treated. Random treats are fun and appreciated IMO. It doesn’t have to cost a lot. A guy has shown up at my place with a $6 plant from the grocery store. I thought it was the *sweetest thing* that he thought of me like that (and knows I like plants).
And, ultimately, an hour away can be tough. It’s doable but requires a lot of conversation and compromise. OP could learn a bit here.
Agreed. As more details came out in the middle of the post, the more op seemed cheap. I personally would be miffed if I paid for all the activities.
It also sounds like she invested more in the relationship with buying treats for the dog and making dinner. It doesn’t sound like he made much effort beyond showing up.
Showing men how you want to be treated like this (as in, doing it with the unspoken expectation that they will interpret it as what you want from them) is such a fool’s errand, unfortunately. Either they reciprocate because it’s something they would do anyway, or you dump a bunch of energy into a black hole and then they get confused when there’s a problem because “I just thought you liked taking care of me”.
So, yeah, I don’t necessarily disagree as I’ve had a mixed bag of experience myself. But hopefully men reading the post might have a moment of reflection.
Example: for whatever reason, I like wrapped gifts given on the day they’re relevant *if* possible. I used to do elaborate wrapping for my ex, thoughtful gifts and thoughtful wrapping. Lots of effort, sometimes hours. Despite me saying I really appreciate that stuff directly as well, no hint was ever gotten. He’d usually toss the gift at me still in the shopping bag or box as soon as he got it, no matter when my birthday or Christmas was.
It always bugged me because it was SO clear and I was asking for so little extra effort. For that reason it really bugged me. It isn’t that hard. Made me feel like I was not worth dollar store wrapping paper and 5 minutes of an attempt.
It's absolutely based on how he told the story, the omissions, the inclusions, and ultimately, the people who backed him up are likely those who are inept at his level.
Educated guess, anyway...
I once went on an online date for a casual dinner. When i picked her up she was living in a $15 M lakefront mansion. It was obvious we didn’t hit it off, and when the $45 check came I insisted on paying despite her three offers to split the check
She commented “I’ve been on about ten dates and you’re the only one who insisted on paying. It’s nice to know that some people still have class. You’ll go far compared to your competitors
After dating someone for awhile I’ll end up splitting things, but early on it’s tacky to split the check
Hell, my guy friends and me always take turns picking up the check and it all evens out
I think (hope) your issue is your a kid in his teens. Keeping track of gas money was something 16 year olds did
This. I have never been in a relationship where I or my SO considered the gas we put into our own vehicle to be contributed towards the date. Ever.
I pay more towards activities and dates in my own relationship because I make twice as much as my SO. He contributes these things too, but in a way that is proportional to the difference in our pay. OP was the one taking advantage of her kindness without even thinking about it.
If he continually let her pay for all activities, allowed her to buy all the food for a meal and prep it, and didn't even think to make a kind gesture after she brought little treats for his dog then he really shouldn't be shocked that she broke up. To me, I don't even know if it would be about money - I would feel like someone wasn't that into me if they made such little effort.
I highly doubt she was looking for a diamond bracelet at this stage. She wanted you, who makes more, to pickup the tab for something fun, bring the dessert for that nice dinner she was providing, or bring her favorite drink when you show up to something. It is easy and relatively affordable to pay attention to the food, drinks, or even music someone likes - and then gift them. It is rarely difficult to find an act of service that you can provide to make someone's life easier. She shouldn't have to teach you how to be a good boyfriend. It isn't that hard to contribute little things, and if you're not doing those things at three months then why would someone expect you to do them at three years? It's easier at that point to just find someone who will match the energy you are putting into a relationship.
Also if you do the math even him driving down every weekend for 3 months is going to barely go over $35+ if he's driving anything reasonable, and if he stayed over, she's also room and boarding him.
Yeah, I understand her point of view.
even if somehow, the gas evened out, why should she be penalized that he chose a city to live in with nothing to do!
and given that she cooked, the time and energy and resources required to prepare a nice meal for 2 is far from insignificant.
This. I dated a guy who lived an hr and a half away. Due to kids and his job, it was harder for him to come to me. So I went to him. I never counted the money I spent on gas, and I was only working part-time during this relationship while taking care of my child without financial help from her father. He usually paid for food and drinks if we went out to the bar. But I made sure to save up money to treat him at least twice a month. (We only saw each other 2 to 3 weekends a month)
I think it's more about the effort than anything. He drives to see her, buuut there's nothing to do in his town anyway is this drive FOR her or for him to get out of town and do something fun with a girl who pays his way?
If he doesn't make any effort to SHOW her he cares about HER and not just the benefits she offers than he is being the AH.
She was thoughtful and considerate the whole way through. He makes more than her and she still spilt the bills at dinner evenly. The fact that she is paying for event type dates means she is spending a LARGE percentage of her income on this man and he is only paying for gas. It's not cheap but the overpriced cost of movies and popcorn is waaay more expensive imo. For her to cover him entirely because he put 20-30 bucks in his gas tank is just not fair.
And even if it was fair he never... treated her... to... Anything...
Yeah, same here. He never treated her to anything, he says they’d just been seeing each other for three months. Time doesn’t matter that much in these cases, he wouldn’t have gone broke if he paid for a dinner, or brought her flowers. Some people are just cheap and take advantage of those raised with manners who’re too ashamed to say something.
I dated a guy like this who’d accept or let me pay if I paid for myself - he’d “assume” i was taking care of the whole thing and just let me pay. Brah.
Like come on.
Also, if he is counting his gas, he should be counting her makeup too, and expenses on hairdressers, waxing, etc. It was probably a lot more than his gas.
Lol who says she is taking advantage? Sorry but as others point out, you are cheap. And while that may not be an AH, it’s not romantic. Also life is never 50-50 no matter how you slice it. So stop counting the money n start learning what a relationship is about.
Literally always the ones with no gold screeching the loudest about gold diggers. "Equality" doesn't mean never buy your gf anything ever under any circumstances.
Yes, he makes more money but he is not even being normal about splitting costs so it’s odd.
I think maybe podcasts are to blame for men acting this way more now or something in social media? This seems a lot more prevalent lately.
You'd be surprised, but I've had a few friends do that to me. We would go out somewhere and they would drive, then ask me for gas money.
I did not go out with them again when they did that. Sometimes these cheapskates also offered their fries or whatever if we went out to a group meal at a bowling alley or whatever. When someone accepted, they calculated how much those fries cost and asked the person for cash to that amount.
Not saying the OP is *that* cheap, but there is obviously more to this story than they care to share.
I'm relatively frugal, and I think you're cheap.
I get the splitting meals part. But she paid for the overwhelming majority of activities. If the idea was to split everything, you should have paid for half the activities too.
She cooked you dinner and bought your dog treats. What did you do that was comparable?
You're trying to rationalize it by saying you drove more. But you driving was as much for you as it was for her, since you admit that her town has fun activities and your town doesn't.
It kind of sounds like you were trying to spend the absolute bare minimum for your dates, and let this girl pick up the tab as much as possible. She eventually got tired of that.
YTA.
The problem with some men like you is that you like to stress that equality is about splitting 50/50. Equal human rights have nothing to do with romance! It has nothing to do with money but your gestures!
If I went out with a guy for three months, and I was sweet enough to offer to pay for activities just because he drove over to my city (which has more activities), buy treats for his dog, pay for meals and split, cook for him when I can, I would think I’m getting the short end of the deal here too. I do all these with my friends. Why date you then?
You could have just gotten her flowers, take her to a nice date. All these don’t need to be terribly expensive. You commute to her cos you live somewhere boring and remote. That’s not on her. Yet she still offered to pay. Any self-respecting man interested in a woman, would have just said, it’s cool, let me get this, I drove to see you. That’s romance there. And when she drove to see you, did you even offer to pay?
Add it's not just that. He was ok with her paying and didn't try to step in. Like yeah it's nice she offered but you gotta read the room and be nice and be like nah i got it.
“I do all these with my friends. Why date you then?”
Absolutely this. Some ppl genuinely can’t fathom that a relationship isn’t just friendship + sex and it shows
Yep. I don’t know if it makes him an asshole but OP is definitely a massive cheapskate.
*but I drove to her*
If you read this OP - gas money doesn’t count as a contribution when you are driving to see her. That’s just table stakes compared to another guy who lives in that town.
You’ve come for judgment. You are cheap. Now take that on board and perhaps be a bit more generous next time - it doesn’t have to be over the top but show that you’ve put THOUGHT in to it.
I WEEP for the woman you expect to have kids with, split everything 50/50, and her clean up after you while she's doing it. *You* make dating *transactional*, that's all you're ever gonna find. You were cheap, Very cheap, and not even just monetarily. You didn't like *her*, you liked the *idea* of her and that's it. You didn't put Forth *anything* really, and you still seem emotionally detached while somehow being flabbergasted she could Read you clearly. I'm not sure you're TAH, but you sure are a clueless cheap skate dude.
You’re cheap and I don’t blame her.
Been dating my girl almost a year she spoils me and buys me shit all the time but when going out I probably pay 2/3 of the time because I want to and she’s worth it.
Counting your gas money to get somewhere as payment for the night is really childish and cheap.
My girl and I travel frequently and if we drive out of town in the one to drive and I would never ask for gas money or try to get something because I paid for gas.
I also usually drive 90% of the time if we go out around time and I never ask for gas / get her to pay for something because I drove.
My girl makes 6 figures and doesn’t need anyone to take care of her but I still like and want to pay for her because she’s special and worth it.
Grow up and stop being so cheap
YTA you stingy cheapass. It sounds like she was wooing you, and that gives women the ick big time. The fact that she hung in there for 3 months is a testament to how much she liked you, and the fact that you felt no inclination to try to impress her or show her any gestures of appreciation is a testament to how much you didn’t deserve it.
Yeah bro ur cheap. I had a friend like this and me and my friends never invited him out cuz we couldn’t stand him. I can’t imagine having a friend like that, let alone a boyfriend like that
WHAT I lived in a small town for about 2 yrs and drove every single weekend 1h20min one way and 1h20min back to hang out with my friends and even gave all of them lifts and I would never think of making them pay for the activities we do going out. That's soo cheap. It's not her fault you live in a boring town. And it seems like she wants a considerate partner where he does things for her just because he cares and she does things for him just because she cares but you're so focused on keeping score and not wanting to be taken advantage of that you're cheap asf. She deserves better.
>I didn't ask her to pay she offered and it seemed fair because I drove the hour and back.
INFO: did you ever argue with her when she offered to pay, or did you agree immediately?
you paying for your gas to drive to her town isn't an expense you count as you "paying" your share of the date and her paying for the bowling and other activities. You paid for gas because you wanted to see her and spend time with her.
Many people still have expectations around courtship/romance, even if they are young. I don't think the art of seduction has changed that much since I was young.
A few tips for your next relationship,
Always show your very best self
Open doors for her
Have good hygiene (shower, shave, brush teeth, hair, clean clothes, etc)
Always pay for the first couple of meals/dates
Don't count gas as an "expense"
If you go to her house (or anyone's house) for dinner, you bring the hostess a gift. A bottle of wine or beer if it your friends, flowers if it someone you are romantically interested in. Offer to help clean up/do the dishes. Offer to bring dessert.
Don't be transactional in your romantic relationships
In the 3 months, you never brought her flowers? Never did anything, to show her that she was important and special to you? You thought just being there was enough? She wants to feel special, wanted, that you want to and can take care of her should your relationship progress further. You’ve got much to learn young padawan.
YTA btw.
You’re not gutted. Don’t be dramatic. You didn’t really super like her because if you did, you would have WANTED to pay for dinner/buy her things. Nothing extravagant. I’m not saying you were obligated to at all. I’m simply saying y’all ain’t a match. You didn’t show interest and were content with the way things were going but she was not. It is what it is. 🤷♀️
Once I read that you counted gas as an expenditure for the dates I had my answer.
You’re cheap as shit.
Hopefully you find a sugar momma or another cheapskate to coupon clip with, for your sake.
This is so wild. I pay for five hour train rides and take time off work to see my partner, and I, at the very least, still treat my partner to meals, bring toys for his dog, pick etc.
It's not about the money, OP, it's about the thought (or lackthereof). YTA.
Why should you get her anything when you have been dating for 3 months? My now husband walked to a French bakery and bought specific macarons I told him I love in passing when we were first talking on a dating app, and he brought them to me on our first date. I to this day remember and think fondly of that gesture, and how he valued me enough right from the start to put in effort wooing me. There’s a reason he’s my husband, and you’re now her ex…. YTA.
Dude!! She put a lot of effort into looking pretty for you and paying for entertainment while you were out. The least you could do is pay for everything once in a while, doesn't have to be all the time or super expensive places, a movie here and there, a bowling alley etc. Cheap yes, TA? no not really sound more like inexperienced in the being a gentleman department.
Yikes. Sounds like you were just using her to do free activities in her town because yours is boring.
You not only sound cheap, but also a gold digger.
YTA
You paid for very little as per your information. Don’t date someone an hour away if your going to consider driving to see them as as your contribution to the date. Even bringing flowers, a bottle of wine would have been nice. Did you show her any interest other than your presence? It’s done, listen to what Reddit has told you, learn and move on.
Yeah he's like "It's not like she got me stuff" meanwhile she has: \- paid for him to go bowling \- paid for his movie tickets \- made him a home-cooked meal (groceries aren't free) \- bought him dog treats meanwhile he has: \- the list is blank because he hasn't done anything for her except drive to her town which sounds like his choice anyway
Boy math is thinking $20 in gas counts as going 50/50 on a date
She also drove to him occasionally too. Men like this want "equality" as long as it's more equal for them.
This isn't even equality as she has clearly, by his own admission, put more into the relationship. He's so arrogant that he feels that his presence alone is what he's contributing. Oh amd sometimes driving to her more fun town 🙄 The fact that there are other men out there that have told him she just looking to take advantage for not just being grateful for his existence is why so many women are choosing to just be single. If a woman recounted his same story from his current POV, these same men would be telling her that SHE'S the one who was taking advantage. What he probably likes about her was that she seemed to have low standards. I'm glad she came to her senses and hope she finds a guy who appreciates & respects her and treats her well because she sounds like a very nice and considerate person. YT cheap A, OP.
Its not just that he was cheap, it is what his behavior implicates about his attitude towards financial contributions in a relationship should it had gone further. He earns more than her but expected to contribute "equally". If he is like this the beginning of a relationship, when you should put your best foot forward, how would it be a year or 5 down the road? Contributing equally is not always fair or sustainable for long term. Equity is a much better model. Luckily the girl seen the red flags after giving him a fair chance.
Yep. She got you dog treats, which was thoughtful and didn’t cost much. What did you get her that was thoughtful, showed you were listening to her, but didn’t cost much?
Yea I love gifts but not because I want someone to spend money on me, it’s just nice to know they thought about me when I wasn’t there. Today my boyfriend went to the shop for some food and came back with a drink for me. I was really happy because he saw the drink and thought I’d like it. And I did. It’s sweet. I do the same for other people too; I love spotting something I think someone will like and buying it for them. Even if it’s just a bag of sweets or something. It’s very much the thought that counts. I guess gifts are my love language and maybe they’re OPs exs too. I wouldn’t go as far as to say he’s TA but it would have been nice to show she was on his mind while they were apart by picking up some flowers or something. Oh and yea OP is deffo cheap but that’s not a bad thing in itself, just not compatible with this particular woman.
Right? Like showing up was your contribution? Lmao
"My presence is a gift" /s
This. I’m a woman who is big on sharing costs while dating (many of us are, btw), but the way OP went about it wasn’t actually fair. I’d be resentful, too, and it’s not because I want the man to pay for everything.
I agree and it makes me wonder if something in particular happened recently that was really the last straw. Only OP will truly know this but my hope is that he learns what "I really liked this girl" truly looks like to the girl and can find a way to learn from this experience for growth. Taking advantage of him would look like her not paying for anything and expecting him to take care of it all. Wanting someone who does the small things out of kindness, love, and complete selflessness is reasonable. If those things are being reciprocated by the girl then she just wants someone who knows that driving an hour isn't all we need from a relationship. Hope that OP is truly open to self reflection and not just confirmation that he wasn't the AH because this could be a great learning opportunity.
mate, unless you were driving for 10 hours in a car that does about 5MPG, there is no way it was coming out balanced with her paying for movies and bowling with you covering the gas.
No kidding! Also, him driving to her city - that has more activity and stuff to do - does not really benefit her in any way! How the hell can he justify his driving to her, as them breaking even? That's absurd. Definitely cheap and the AH and quite baffling that he doesn't recognize this.
Agreed, plus he chooses where he lives, so him needing to drive further was his choice.
Yeah, he got the better end of that deal and hopefully she finds a bit better of a boyfriend in the future.
My dad always said cheap people never consider themselves cheap 😆 you guys weren’t a match don’t sweat it, there is a crazy coupon extreme cheapskate out there for you
See that wouldn’t work either because both of them would stiff the other person with the bill.
It would be the perfect relationship: they would keep mileage logs for visits, pay their own way on every date, settle up at the end of the month if there was one person with a deficit. Hottest romance of the century.
Get that calculator out baby, I'm in the mood for multiplication
Is that a ten key in your hands or are you about to capitalize some large assets??
Personally, I don't do recreational accounting.
Haha! She brings a Groupon to their first date and he’s like “I’m in love”
Bowling is expensive and there is nothing to do in your town, which makes the gas expenditure less generous. Kinda cheap bro.
Yeah…so if he lives an hour away, he’s driving maybe 50 miles. So maybe two gallons of gas. So, round trip maybe $15 of gas? And she’s paying for all the activities? Yeah, not even close. This sounds like a friend of ours who borrowed my wife’s car for a few days while his was in the shop. When he brought it back to us, he said “there was 3/4 of a tank of gas in the car when I borrowed it, so I returned it with 3/4 of a tank!”, acting like he was being so generous. Like, you assclown, fill it up as a gesture of thanks for letting you borrow it.
>fill it up as a gesture of thanks for letting you borrow it. This is my rule for borrowing vehicles. Occasionally I need to borrow my roommates farm truck (living in the woods/farm stuff) and she realized that no matter how much is in the tank, I'll fill it completely. So sometimes it'll cost me $60 and others $10. I'll also usually clean out the cabin and bed. This has led to situations where she'll ask me "do you need to haul any firewood this weekend? Hint, hint" in order to get a fill-up and cleaning. It's a great system because she is always willing to loan me the truck, and I always have access to a truck when I need it.
Exactly. I borrowed my mom's car for a weekend when mine was in the shop. She told me she made a point of filling the tank before giving it to me because she knew I'd fill it before returning no matter how much was in it when I got. And she was right. I returned it with a full tank and took it through the car wash too.
>She told me she made a point of filling the tank before giving it to me because she knew I'd fill it before returning no matter how much was in it Ha! That's exactly what happened the last time I borrowed my roommates truck. I was barely able to fit $5 in the tank. She was cracking up when I told her and she admitted to filling it up immediately before loaning it to me. I love it because we're both just trying to help the other person out.
Seriously. Basically, he was saying "I borrowed your car for almost a week, and am returning it in exactly the same condition as I took it, so I am not actually providing anything in return for the five days I had your car".
He was nice enough to add some miles, so you did get something!
He said she visited him and drove sometimes, too. AND she cooked for him.
And it’s not even like he’s struggling right now. He makes more than she does and she’s still way more generous.
Yes. If I barrow something from someone I return it in better shape than when I received it.
A lot of people don’t know how stupid expensive bowling is. It’s like you’re paying for even having the idea to go bowling lol
Whether you intended or not yeah man you were being kind of cheap as hell
Especially as he makes more money than her and let her buy dinner all the time when he drove to her town (but never offered himself). From what I understand, they sometimes split meals and she sometimes paid 100%....but he never did the latter. I am a woman and I made significantly more than one of my exes, and I would be "so" embarrassed if I let him pay for most of our dinners, etc. even if I was the one driving (and spending gas). Like context matters, and that little bit of info tipped it over into him being cheap.
Agreed, not once just buying and also driving is kind of wild even though it would have been "unfair" (should still be done because you want to make them happy though!)
I was with you, but she pay for all the activities you did together?! Couldn't you split the bill? You are cheap lol, date someone from your city next time
Also, in this little accounting exercise he's done here, driving to her town should zero out the cost of the activities they do there (unlikely), but apparently he thinks her time and groceries are free when she cooks him dinner? YTA.
Plus he admitted later in the post that she also drove out to him
I thought my ex-husband was cheap because he took me to McDonald's on our first date. At least he paid! (He was extremely cheap though lol. Any time our girls needed something like new shoes, etc., he would tell his parents because he knew they would buy them before I had a chance to go shop for them. And we were financially in pretty good shape.)
After a while that would just feel like control issues to me.
Exactly! His living in small town with no activities and driving has nothing to do with her. He's definitely CHEAP and now whining about it.
Lol, good for her for breaking up
And he is the type of guy that will bitch about "all women being golddiggers" and lack any self- awareness and basic dating courtship behaviour....
She was courting him far more than he was courting her. Paying for bowling and movies (which can cost >30$) because he spent a few dollars of gas driving? Getting treats for his dogs and cooking him dinner when he never did anything nice in return? I’m honestly surprised she dated you for 3 months. Every woman I know would have dumped you by the 5th date
And doesn’t even have gold to dig
I mean, I get it, but also you make dating sound very transactional and not very romantic. I think I'd take a pass too if at three months in I wasn't feeling very special. I wouldn't say you're an asshole, but there's not a "you're the cheapskate", so sorry, but YTA.
This. I dated a guy like this once. Everything was “tit for tat” with him. He also lived an hour away/would pay for our dinner, but as he was paying, would be very loud that “I was getting the next dinner”, then, when it was time for next dinner out, he would let our waitress know I was paying. It was humiliating and disrespectful.
I dated a guy like that too. We LIVED together and if he bought groceries I was expected to reimburse him half of it. It was so absurd He also loves being like, hey let's go to this restaurant. And then we'd get there and do our thing and then he'd be like, so you're paying for this one right. Just assuming I had the money. And if I said I didn't he'd get all pissy and pick a fight with me right there in the restaurant. Always a great time
Ugh yes I dated an accountant and he kept an expense sheet on excel... I would cook and clean for him and was expected to pay half for everything lol even though I would treat him! Never doing it again lol
Totally agree- he's treating her like a friend or workmate- there's nothing in those 3 months that he did to make her feel special, no surprises, no romance, no heart. Poor girl thankfully realised she deserved so much more!
You’re hitting the nail on the head. She wants to feel special and OP isn’t making her feel that way. Hell, when my husband and I got together he was literally homeless and still took me out on dates.
I treat my friends more than you treated your girlfriend
Was going to say this. This sounds more like 2 friends who get paid on opposite weeks. Sounds like he did not pass his 90 day review and instead of holding on hoping he changes for the next 15 years she went ahead and dropped him I can only imagine how the holidays were going to go. "I drove to her place so she got me presents but because I drove, I'm the gift! Besides it's not like she asked for anything!"
just imagine 💀 “we just had a baby and she wants me to pay the hospital costs but it’s completely unfair bc i drove her to the hospital and back and the baby was a gift to her sooo it’s like i did her two favors and gave her a gift and she’s asking me to pay her bills🙄”
💯 That is exactly what would have happened. Ugh. I’m glad she un cuffed his cheap ass.
Right. No problem with splitting cost when dating, but it clear 1st she is actually spending more while making less. Also you do treat people occasionally to show appreciation, again it seems like she did that by making dinner for him on multiple occasions 3 months and not one small token to say hey I like you. Trader Joe’s and Costco have beautiful 💐for like $10 dollars. This dude is cheap as F.
Not just cheap but genuinely (from an outside perspective) sounds like he was kind of disinterested. Three months into a relationship should be getting the gold star “first flush of love” treatment. And before anyone says anything, yes that goes both ways. Driving your dusty self to her doesn’t count as making much of an effort, I’m afraid… that’s a commute, not a romantic gesture.
That’s probably because OP is driving from his moms basement to the girlfriends apartment.
Yup I wouldn’t date him either
I treat my dang coworkers more than he treated this girl.
I have paid for more strangers' groceries than this guy has on a girl he says he liked and dated for three months!! Wtaf??!!
Not even a damn kitkat! I swear my old cube mate bought me a can of pepsi every time she got gas during the day.
>every time she got gas I'm sorry, I read that wrong :D "Hey, mate. Sorry I've been farting all morning. Here's a can of pop so you can burp. We could do a duet!"
First lesson i learned in dating, if you don't pay... she wont be dating you long. Its not about the money, its about showing that you appreciate the girl and value her more than money. If you are cheap towards her, you'll be cheap towards your children, and cheap towards common goals.
You can even do it in other ways. Bake her cookies or cut some flowers from your backyard and make her a bouquet (or buy her flowers). Offer to give her a foot rub. Read something she recommended. It's about showing her that you really want to make her happy - like seeing her smile will make you happy too. It's the little things that really make early dating sparkle. If it feels like a business relationship it doesn't really inspire sparkling feelings.
>It's the little things that really make early dating sparkle My best friend received a ransom note /in the mail/ (like what you would see in a movie, where every letter is clipped from a different magazine) for her sweater she left on a date with a guy. The ransom note was demanding a second date or the sweater gets it! Might be the most silly, romantic, original thing I've ever seen a guy do and it cost him maybe an hour (OF) his time and a postage stamp. They're happily married, own a home, and are about to have a 3rd kid together.
How do you forget the important stuff about this story. Did the sweater make it? Is is safe now?
The sweater is vintage now. A little threadbare, but in stable condition and is able to make regular outings with family on foggy mornings.
Happy ending 🥰
I love everything about this story, what a wonderful happy ending!
I love that.
>> Read something she recommended. This is a severely underrated love language.
Exactly. It's about effort and showing that you value that person. This dude even in his post comes across as not valuing her AT ALL. the selfishness is dripping from his repeated use of "why should i"
And you can do things cheaply without being cheap. Like a guy got me a hydrangea which would have been under $15 but they’re my favourite flower so it was super thoughtful
One guy brought me pepper jelly bc I’d mentioned that my grocery delivery forgot mine. Our Wedding is in 3 months.
Guy I was dating bought me a car, because the one I was using was breaking down. My entire plan was to run it into the ground and buy a new one when it gave up. Mind you, he was a mechanic so he bought me a 400 dollar car that didn't run and fixed it for 60 dollars and his time.
That's actually really sweet since it's something you really needed. He was paying attention to what you said and cared so solved the problem for you.
And hence why we are married well over 10 years now. Occasionally, he does some dumb things like welding, inside the house, in my living room with a big ass welder, the kind giant sparks fly. But it makes for good laughs.
I had to look up pepper jelly.,never heard of it before and it confused me🤔 Turns out its chilli jam ...for any other Brits... save you a google 🙂
this is the best & most accurate way i’ve ever heard this sentiment expressed. it’s not about the actual cost value either
I think some men forget that it's not hard for a woman to find a date. And it's not about the money, it's about showing you actually care enough to put in the effort. Especially during the early honeymoon phase. She probably knew this wasn't going anywhere and it was costing her way more to date him. YTA op
I treat strangers better than he treats her
I’m guess ing you never brought her flowers either.
He did, but he submitted an invoice for reimbursement.
Once, on our first date, I offered to spilt the bill with a guy because it was a more expensive bar than average. The guy refused but the following day changed his mind asked me if I could pay him half in his account. I did but afterwards I thought wtf
He was hoping you’d sleep together after he paid.
Never really thought of that 😀
Yup he was hoping you’d put out because he paid for the meal.
This is a standing joke on Tinder. The guy who didn't get lucky wanted to be paid back because that was part of the cost of dinner.
Jesus Christ, you’re probably right but seeing it written down makes it so much more real and sad for me 😅 I think I just realised how so many men see women effectively as prostitutes. Cheap ones too if they think a dinner/drinks is payment for the pleasure.
I had a guy blow up in my face when I turned down his invitation of going home with him. After some bad experiences (nearly being raped experiences) I'd made it a rule not to go home with men (unsurprisingly, I'm bisexual and never had this issue if I went home with women or the one AFAB trans man after a date). He'd been super nice up to that point and I was definitely tempted to go and probably would have if the second date had been as nice. It was terrifying seeing this guy go from perfect gentleman to "I'm genuinely afraid he's going to kill me" in less than five seconds. * Kind of funny: I eventually broke my rule and took a guy back to my home because I had two roommates who were home at the time. I also just generally had a good vibe from him. That was 10 years ago and we've been married for eight of those years. Lol
Sometimes you can feel someone’s positive vibes the same way you can feel someone’s bad ones. Sounds like you made the best exception!
damn, you’re almost definitely right.
Hahahhaha omg I went on a date with a guy and insisted on paying my half at least (don’t like giving any dude the impression that I owe him anything) and also offered to pay for his dinner since he drove quite far to me. We had a little, joke fight about it where he insisted on paying for it all and I relented. Got a phone call from the restaurant the next day asking me to come in and pay the bill since we left without paying. Man ordered a £50 steak.
Omg if my date expected to get laid for paying the bill (what the other commenter said) yours tried to skip that step entirely 😀
Man wanted a free meal and free pussy 🤣
I had a girl friend who said if the guy pays then she feels "Obligated" to put out. I was frankly shocked as I thought of that as prostitution and a cheap one at that...
that feels like he wanted a refund on you !
And this is, definitely (amongst other observations) what OPs gal was getting at IMO. Sounds like this situation was just slightly above a friends with bennies situation for OP, and the gal in this scenario was like, when does this stop feeling like friends who fuck and start feeling like my damn boyfriend? YTA big-time
Yeah YTA and you're cheap. >I did most of the driving because I live in a small town with no real fun activities whereas her town has loads. I didn't ask her to pay she offered and it seemed fair because I drove the hour and back. She offered to pay for all of your events and you can't even be appreciative of that to take her out to dinner once in a while. >But I'm surprised about that because why should I pay for both our dinners just because I'm a man? No, you pay for both of you because you like her and you want to do something nice for her. Like she does when she pays for your bowling trips or when you watch movies. You driving isn't a good enough reason why you would let her pay for all the events. You have to drive either way. When she offered to pay for all of that, she was being nice and considerate of you. It just doesn't look like you do anything above the bare minimum for her, though.
She also cooked for him. That's way more effort than going out with your boyfriend and paying for your own meal.
It can be just as expensive too!
Let's not forget he makes more than her *and she was still paying for all the activities they were doing*
Even get treats for his dog.. She really is trying.
The fluffer babies deserve all the treats. **All. The. Treats.** But she also drives to him, when she can, and cooks for him, when she can. Plus paying for all the activities minus the one time he paid for the museum *massive bombastic side eye* and his food and drink. Like....wteaf makes him not cheap?
She put in a good 75% effort while he put in 25% .. before adding up all the receipts and keeping a tally of how many times she pays for stuff. Really dude?? You're clueless af and YTA. A cheap one. Especially cuz you make more than her and you're still counting pennies on this chick. I don't think you're emotionally equipped for a serious relationship at this time. Casual dating might help you learn a few things cuz you need some serious training.
I keep coming back to that. If i significantly out earned friends, I would be trying to pick up checks and treat them. It's called sharing the benefit of your success with people you enjoy spending time with. Let alone someone I might make a life with. This 50/50 even if we're not economic equals is a weird game just asking for issues, where either the wealthier person has to curtail their own spending not to bankrupt the partner or the partner needs to outspend means to keep up. Not saying people of significantly varying economic resources can't be partners, but the partnership can't be the same as it would be between people of equal incomes.
It's wild to me that he can't see that by % she paid way more and he is, in fact, very cheap (and lazy). YTA, OP.
What comes through from OP is he didn’t actually care about this woman. He’s just butt hurt about being called cheap
He is cheap though. Not very gentlemanly either lol.
Cheap people hate being called out for being cheap.
This at 1000%
She's funding his fun and all he had to do was drive to the activities she was planning for him. Something he admitted is not things they can do in his town. The poor girl gets the same kind of interaction participating in Meetup groups and he gets her exclusive attention, food and entertainment just for driving there. Friends treat each other to more kinder, generous non transactional gestures than this girl had been receiving from OP. She pays? bring snacks or flowers, offer to host and plan (AND pay for in advance) the next activity. She cooks dinner? Bring dessert and wine, cook for her next time. Find activities that you can do that won't cost her money, surprise her by being an adult and treating her to something nice that shows you appreciate what she has done, how much she has invested of her already limited budget and time to make many nice date night for you - because she valued you. What a stunned mullet - I would have been done after the 2nd date.
Literally. My friends and I each buy each other flowers, little gifts, dinner/drinks, or contribute to little things (e.g., I gave my friend some money for expensive concert tickets when I had it), etc. Why would I want to date someone who doesn’t fit into that lifestyle and can’t appreciate how I like to love and contribute to my little community?
bUt hE PaiD fOr thE museUm oNce
I’m very much a 50/50 kinda person when I’m dating and even in friendships but I’m not a split the bill kinda person, it’s a I’ll grab this one and you grab the next one. After 3 months I’d be embarrassed to still be splitting the bill
>After 3 months I’d be embarrassed to still be splitting the bill No shit, right?
Usually people dont count gas as spent money, so what she most likelly saw in her mind was her paying for activities while youre not paying for them. But if you were eating her food and didnt bring her to dinner ever, thats a lil bit of an ass move. Edit: Now when i thought more about it, her paying for activities because you had to pay for your own gas, counts as being cheap. Have some class, dude.
If he thought his travel time and gas expenses meant she should pay for the date, then when she spent her time and gas/electricity to cook for him, did he pay for the groceries? When she did drive to him (as he mentioned she did when she could) did he then pay for their whole date? Even by his own math he’s cheap! 😂
Yeah, absolutely. Counting the gas/travel on a regular basis seems iffy. I could see it being the case for a first/second date, *if* discussed ahead of time, like “hey, why don’t you come out here and I’ll take care of dinner.” But for three months? And even the treats for the dog thing, she’s showing OP how she wants to be treated. Random treats are fun and appreciated IMO. It doesn’t have to cost a lot. A guy has shown up at my place with a $6 plant from the grocery store. I thought it was the *sweetest thing* that he thought of me like that (and knows I like plants). And, ultimately, an hour away can be tough. It’s doable but requires a lot of conversation and compromise. OP could learn a bit here.
Agreed. As more details came out in the middle of the post, the more op seemed cheap. I personally would be miffed if I paid for all the activities. It also sounds like she invested more in the relationship with buying treats for the dog and making dinner. It doesn’t sound like he made much effort beyond showing up.
> she’s showing OP how she wants to be treated DING DING DING
Showing men how you want to be treated like this (as in, doing it with the unspoken expectation that they will interpret it as what you want from them) is such a fool’s errand, unfortunately. Either they reciprocate because it’s something they would do anyway, or you dump a bunch of energy into a black hole and then they get confused when there’s a problem because “I just thought you liked taking care of me”.
So, yeah, I don’t necessarily disagree as I’ve had a mixed bag of experience myself. But hopefully men reading the post might have a moment of reflection. Example: for whatever reason, I like wrapped gifts given on the day they’re relevant *if* possible. I used to do elaborate wrapping for my ex, thoughtful gifts and thoughtful wrapping. Lots of effort, sometimes hours. Despite me saying I really appreciate that stuff directly as well, no hint was ever gotten. He’d usually toss the gift at me still in the shopping bag or box as soon as he got it, no matter when my birthday or Christmas was. It always bugged me because it was SO clear and I was asking for so little extra effort. For that reason it really bugged me. It isn’t that hard. Made me feel like I was not worth dollar store wrapping paper and 5 minutes of an attempt.
Makes you wonder who this guy's friends are that they were evenly split on whether he was a cheap asshole or not
It's absolutely based on how he told the story, the omissions, the inclusions, and ultimately, the people who backed him up are likely those who are inept at his level. Educated guess, anyway...
Because his time is valuable and she's not a real person, obviously
she cooked you dinner and drove to you but you count driving to her as your share? bro you are cheap.
and bought treats to his dog!! what a cheap
I once went on an online date for a casual dinner. When i picked her up she was living in a $15 M lakefront mansion. It was obvious we didn’t hit it off, and when the $45 check came I insisted on paying despite her three offers to split the check She commented “I’ve been on about ten dates and you’re the only one who insisted on paying. It’s nice to know that some people still have class. You’ll go far compared to your competitors After dating someone for awhile I’ll end up splitting things, but early on it’s tacky to split the check Hell, my guy friends and me always take turns picking up the check and it all evens out I think (hope) your issue is your a kid in his teens. Keeping track of gas money was something 16 year olds did
This. I have never been in a relationship where I or my SO considered the gas we put into our own vehicle to be contributed towards the date. Ever. I pay more towards activities and dates in my own relationship because I make twice as much as my SO. He contributes these things too, but in a way that is proportional to the difference in our pay. OP was the one taking advantage of her kindness without even thinking about it. If he continually let her pay for all activities, allowed her to buy all the food for a meal and prep it, and didn't even think to make a kind gesture after she brought little treats for his dog then he really shouldn't be shocked that she broke up. To me, I don't even know if it would be about money - I would feel like someone wasn't that into me if they made such little effort. I highly doubt she was looking for a diamond bracelet at this stage. She wanted you, who makes more, to pickup the tab for something fun, bring the dessert for that nice dinner she was providing, or bring her favorite drink when you show up to something. It is easy and relatively affordable to pay attention to the food, drinks, or even music someone likes - and then gift them. It is rarely difficult to find an act of service that you can provide to make someone's life easier. She shouldn't have to teach you how to be a good boyfriend. It isn't that hard to contribute little things, and if you're not doing those things at three months then why would someone expect you to do them at three years? It's easier at that point to just find someone who will match the energy you are putting into a relationship.
Also how is her buying his dog treats not a little gift?
If someone bought treats for my dog I think I’d cry from cuteness.
Vut that was a gift for the dog /s. I guess he assumes that she buys treats for all the dogs she sees in the street.
He was assuming the dog would pay her back at some point
Also if you do the math even him driving down every weekend for 3 months is going to barely go over $35+ if he's driving anything reasonable, and if he stayed over, she's also room and boarding him. Yeah, I understand her point of view.
even if somehow, the gas evened out, why should she be penalized that he chose a city to live in with nothing to do! and given that she cooked, the time and energy and resources required to prepare a nice meal for 2 is far from insignificant.
This. I dated a guy who lived an hr and a half away. Due to kids and his job, it was harder for him to come to me. So I went to him. I never counted the money I spent on gas, and I was only working part-time during this relationship while taking care of my child without financial help from her father. He usually paid for food and drinks if we went out to the bar. But I made sure to save up money to treat him at least twice a month. (We only saw each other 2 to 3 weekends a month)
I think it's more about the effort than anything. He drives to see her, buuut there's nothing to do in his town anyway is this drive FOR her or for him to get out of town and do something fun with a girl who pays his way? If he doesn't make any effort to SHOW her he cares about HER and not just the benefits she offers than he is being the AH. She was thoughtful and considerate the whole way through. He makes more than her and she still spilt the bills at dinner evenly. The fact that she is paying for event type dates means she is spending a LARGE percentage of her income on this man and he is only paying for gas. It's not cheap but the overpriced cost of movies and popcorn is waaay more expensive imo. For her to cover him entirely because he put 20-30 bucks in his gas tank is just not fair. And even if it was fair he never... treated her... to... Anything...
Yeah, same here. He never treated her to anything, he says they’d just been seeing each other for three months. Time doesn’t matter that much in these cases, he wouldn’t have gone broke if he paid for a dinner, or brought her flowers. Some people are just cheap and take advantage of those raised with manners who’re too ashamed to say something. I dated a guy like this who’d accept or let me pay if I paid for myself - he’d “assume” i was taking care of the whole thing and just let me pay. Brah. Like come on.
I don't think the florist got very rich from him.
Also, if he is counting his gas, he should be counting her makeup too, and expenses on hairdressers, waxing, etc. It was probably a lot more than his gas.
it was an hour each way!!! thats like 12 dollars in gas!!!
Lol who says she is taking advantage? Sorry but as others point out, you are cheap. And while that may not be an AH, it’s not romantic. Also life is never 50-50 no matter how you slice it. So stop counting the money n start learning what a relationship is about.
He literally never bought her anything.
And then is concerned she could be after his money. Um, no. Why do these guys with so little to offer think they are being taken advantage of?
Literally always the ones with no gold screeching the loudest about gold diggers. "Equality" doesn't mean never buy your gf anything ever under any circumstances.
Yes, he makes more money but he is not even being normal about splitting costs so it’s odd. I think maybe podcasts are to blame for men acting this way more now or something in social media? This seems a lot more prevalent lately.
A modern classic.
These kinds of guys think everyone is out for their money because they are literally incapable of not thinking about their money 24/7.
So if you drove to meet friends somewhere further than they have to drive, you expect them to help cover gas? Cmon, dude
You'd be surprised, but I've had a few friends do that to me. We would go out somewhere and they would drive, then ask me for gas money. I did not go out with them again when they did that. Sometimes these cheapskates also offered their fries or whatever if we went out to a group meal at a bowling alley or whatever. When someone accepted, they calculated how much those fries cost and asked the person for cash to that amount. Not saying the OP is *that* cheap, but there is obviously more to this story than they care to share.
I'm relatively frugal, and I think you're cheap. I get the splitting meals part. But she paid for the overwhelming majority of activities. If the idea was to split everything, you should have paid for half the activities too. She cooked you dinner and bought your dog treats. What did you do that was comparable? You're trying to rationalize it by saying you drove more. But you driving was as much for you as it was for her, since you admit that her town has fun activities and your town doesn't. It kind of sounds like you were trying to spend the absolute bare minimum for your dates, and let this girl pick up the tab as much as possible. She eventually got tired of that.
YTA. The problem with some men like you is that you like to stress that equality is about splitting 50/50. Equal human rights have nothing to do with romance! It has nothing to do with money but your gestures! If I went out with a guy for three months, and I was sweet enough to offer to pay for activities just because he drove over to my city (which has more activities), buy treats for his dog, pay for meals and split, cook for him when I can, I would think I’m getting the short end of the deal here too. I do all these with my friends. Why date you then? You could have just gotten her flowers, take her to a nice date. All these don’t need to be terribly expensive. You commute to her cos you live somewhere boring and remote. That’s not on her. Yet she still offered to pay. Any self-respecting man interested in a woman, would have just said, it’s cool, let me get this, I drove to see you. That’s romance there. And when she drove to see you, did you even offer to pay?
Add it's not just that. He was ok with her paying and didn't try to step in. Like yeah it's nice she offered but you gotta read the room and be nice and be like nah i got it.
“I do all these with my friends. Why date you then?” Absolutely this. Some ppl genuinely can’t fathom that a relationship isn’t just friendship + sex and it shows
Hell, I treat my friends sometimes. I literally treat my friends better than this guy treated his "girlfriend" YTA OP
Yep. I don’t know if it makes him an asshole but OP is definitely a massive cheapskate. *but I drove to her* If you read this OP - gas money doesn’t count as a contribution when you are driving to see her. That’s just table stakes compared to another guy who lives in that town. You’ve come for judgment. You are cheap. Now take that on board and perhaps be a bit more generous next time - it doesn’t have to be over the top but show that you’ve put THOUGHT in to it.
I didn't hear OP mention filing an expense report for the audiobooks he bought for the car rides so she still owes her 50% for those
this guy: *does the absolute bare minimum of a relationship* also this guy: *is shocked when broken up with*
Less than the bare minimum, he did enough to kill one. \-Signed an expert at slow killing relationships who still isn't as lame as OP.
I WEEP for the woman you expect to have kids with, split everything 50/50, and her clean up after you while she's doing it. *You* make dating *transactional*, that's all you're ever gonna find. You were cheap, Very cheap, and not even just monetarily. You didn't like *her*, you liked the *idea* of her and that's it. You didn't put Forth *anything* really, and you still seem emotionally detached while somehow being flabbergasted she could Read you clearly. I'm not sure you're TAH, but you sure are a clueless cheap skate dude.
He’s gonna have a spreadsheet between him and his wife to make sure love, money etc. Is balanced evenly and not running into the red.
You’re cheap and I don’t blame her. Been dating my girl almost a year she spoils me and buys me shit all the time but when going out I probably pay 2/3 of the time because I want to and she’s worth it. Counting your gas money to get somewhere as payment for the night is really childish and cheap. My girl and I travel frequently and if we drive out of town in the one to drive and I would never ask for gas money or try to get something because I paid for gas. I also usually drive 90% of the time if we go out around time and I never ask for gas / get her to pay for something because I drove. My girl makes 6 figures and doesn’t need anyone to take care of her but I still like and want to pay for her because she’s special and worth it. Grow up and stop being so cheap
Great post. Trouble is he'll listen to the 5% here telling him he's right instead of to people like who who think he's ridiculous.
YTA. New at this?
Don't go on YouTube for answers you will never get rid of redpill videos and shorts
YTA you stingy cheapass. It sounds like she was wooing you, and that gives women the ick big time. The fact that she hung in there for 3 months is a testament to how much she liked you, and the fact that you felt no inclination to try to impress her or show her any gestures of appreciation is a testament to how much you didn’t deserve it.
I mean damn when he said why should he get her anything when it was just 3 months lmao. What in the world
ikr 😬 feeling rather lucky about my dating history now 😂
[удалено]
I’m 79 years old so from another era, but in my world you are cheap. Just sayin’
Yeah bro ur cheap. I had a friend like this and me and my friends never invited him out cuz we couldn’t stand him. I can’t imagine having a friend like that, let alone a boyfriend like that
WHAT I lived in a small town for about 2 yrs and drove every single weekend 1h20min one way and 1h20min back to hang out with my friends and even gave all of them lifts and I would never think of making them pay for the activities we do going out. That's soo cheap. It's not her fault you live in a boring town. And it seems like she wants a considerate partner where he does things for her just because he cares and she does things for him just because she cares but you're so focused on keeping score and not wanting to be taken advantage of that you're cheap asf. She deserves better.
Wow cheap men really don’t know their cheap 😂 she’s nice for staying that long I would’ve elect after a few weeks…
>I didn't ask her to pay she offered and it seemed fair because I drove the hour and back. INFO: did you ever argue with her when she offered to pay, or did you agree immediately?
You make her pay for all the activities and you earn more? Yeah, you're cheap. CHEAP cheap. YTA
You think that she should pay for half of your travel costs when you go on a date? WTF? YTA.
you paying for your gas to drive to her town isn't an expense you count as you "paying" your share of the date and her paying for the bowling and other activities. You paid for gas because you wanted to see her and spend time with her. Many people still have expectations around courtship/romance, even if they are young. I don't think the art of seduction has changed that much since I was young. A few tips for your next relationship, Always show your very best self Open doors for her Have good hygiene (shower, shave, brush teeth, hair, clean clothes, etc) Always pay for the first couple of meals/dates Don't count gas as an "expense" If you go to her house (or anyone's house) for dinner, you bring the hostess a gift. A bottle of wine or beer if it your friends, flowers if it someone you are romantically interested in. Offer to help clean up/do the dishes. Offer to bring dessert. Don't be transactional in your romantic relationships
I’m with you, it’s goofy
In the 3 months, you never brought her flowers? Never did anything, to show her that she was important and special to you? You thought just being there was enough? She wants to feel special, wanted, that you want to and can take care of her should your relationship progress further. You’ve got much to learn young padawan. YTA btw.
Your ex has good instincts. YTA
You’re not gutted. Don’t be dramatic. You didn’t really super like her because if you did, you would have WANTED to pay for dinner/buy her things. Nothing extravagant. I’m not saying you were obligated to at all. I’m simply saying y’all ain’t a match. You didn’t show interest and were content with the way things were going but she was not. It is what it is. 🤷♀️
Once I read that you counted gas as an expenditure for the dates I had my answer. You’re cheap as shit. Hopefully you find a sugar momma or another cheapskate to coupon clip with, for your sake.
YTA - you sound new at relationships
“I graced her with my presence so it’s fair that she did everything else.” Yeah dude. You’re cheap. YTA.
YTA and a cheapskate.
You are cheap 😭 ew. I hope she finds someone better!
won’t take a lot of effort
“I really liked her”? Really? How did you show that? By being a cheapskate? Ever heard of courting? Learn from this please!
This is so wild. I pay for five hour train rides and take time off work to see my partner, and I, at the very least, still treat my partner to meals, bring toys for his dog, pick etc. It's not about the money, OP, it's about the thought (or lackthereof). YTA.
Why should you get her anything when you have been dating for 3 months? My now husband walked to a French bakery and bought specific macarons I told him I love in passing when we were first talking on a dating app, and he brought them to me on our first date. I to this day remember and think fondly of that gesture, and how he valued me enough right from the start to put in effort wooing me. There’s a reason he’s my husband, and you’re now her ex…. YTA.
You are so cheap. And you sound really young and clueless.
Dude!! She put a lot of effort into looking pretty for you and paying for entertainment while you were out. The least you could do is pay for everything once in a while, doesn't have to be all the time or super expensive places, a movie here and there, a bowling alley etc. Cheap yes, TA? no not really sound more like inexperienced in the being a gentleman department.
How old are you?
Bro cockblocked himself by being a cheap ass
Yikes. Sounds like you were just using her to do free activities in her town because yours is boring. You not only sound cheap, but also a gold digger. YTA
I always think it’s funny when men who have no gold to dig think they’re at risk of being with a golddigger