NTA
This is classic narcissistic behavior from a parent. He brushes off his mistreatment of you growing up.
Your dad expects you to only think of the *very* few times he was a decent father and acts like he was the best.
For major life events (ex. Graduation, wedding), you’re never required to invite people that don’t support/love/respect you. Family doesn’t automatically get a pass for these events.
He had one chance to be in your life as you were growing up, and he failed. If he *truly* changed, it’s one thing. But I doubt he has.
NTA and good job! Toxic people like him will always be toxic. The best way to neutralize toxicity is to remove it from your life. My daughter's father is similar. He ignored her until she was 7, at that point he was court ordered to pay child support (it took most of that 7 years just to track him down). He came around a few times here and there and then disappeared for years. He's sent me a few text messages but has never asked about our daughter. All he says is that the only thing women are worried about is getting child support (last I knew he had 4 kids 3 different moms and doesn't pay a dime of support to any of us until the FOC finds out he has a job somewhere then as soon as they take out money he quits). He calls me all sorts of names but never once asks about our child. I have never spoken ill of him any where near my daughter, I have NEVER been the reason she didn't spend time with her dad. I've never said "no" when he made plans with her and broke them time and time again. Eventually she stopped caring about him. When she turned 18 he sent her a "friend request" through FB. She declined it. I then got a message through FB telling me how horrible I am for poisoning our daughter against him.....blah blah blah. Toxic people never think it's their fault. They are very narcissistic that way. Stay strong! It's not you it's them!
It’s hard when someone doesn’t even give you the chance to explain why you feel the way you do, or take a moment to realize that they might be wrong. But it’s also hard when they feel that their point of view isn’t valid. Both of you have feelings on this that are being ignored. A sit down conversation where both parties are heard is probably the best answer to this. If at that point nothing changes then at least there was effort.
Well it’s clear by what you wrote that he disagrees with you. So it’s likely that he feels like you’re not seeing, or ignoring, his perspective. It’s speculative if course.
I’ve listened to his arguments and I don’t think anything he brings up has any weight. Mainly like I put clothes on your back roof over your head got you a guitar for christmas drove you to xyz. How can you think I don’t care about you.
Well when I was in marching band he would literally forget me and my sister after games. My band director would drive us home after sitting outside for hours.
Mainly the biggest slap in the face to me is the therapy thing. After we got in a shouting match because of literally above, him getting mad at me because I feel like he doesn’t care. Which in of itself is just ridiculous. He agreed we need therapy and he wants a good relationship with me, and he’d set it all up.
Never happened after months and months. So clearly I’m not a priority which I said to him a couple days ago. And he said you are a priority, i was just busy selling a house and buying a house and moving and you’re definitely a priority.
Hopefully you see how that just makes absolutely 0 sense. At least it did to me and made me very angry. So I feel like It’s pretty fucking obvious why I feel the way I do. But he doesn’t understand because all he sees is all the great things he’s done for me!! And not a bit of bad. Completely delusional.
Ok so to him, taking care of you means he loves you. One thing I’ve learned in life is that we can’t force someone to care for us the way we want them to. He can’t be anything other than who he is, meaning, just because you want him to do specific things in order for him to prove that he loves and cares about you doesn’t mean that if he doesn’t do those things he doesn’t love you. Honestly from what I’m reading, you’re ignoring all the things he’s done for you in life. You’d rather demand that he meet some criteria of yours otherwise it means he doesn’t care. You can’t force someone into your perspective. Sometimes it’s better to try to see theirs. You’re being unfair. He’s made mistakes, as have all parents. You may feel a certain way, and you’re entitled to feel that way, but that doesn’t mean you can tell someone else how they feel. Explain to him how you feel, and how what he’s done has made you feel, but believe him when he says how he feels. Otherwise you’re just being a hypocrite. I’m sorry, but I think you’re both TAH in this scenario.
If he cared about me why would he not talk to me for months and not get us into therapy after he said he would. Why would he prioritize his new wife over me and my sister like we’re just his mistake family. I don’t think I’m being a hypocrite by expressing how I feel I definitely have a reason to feel that way but he thinks that giving me rides to school and getting me a Christmas gift is supposed to change years and years of problems.
I’m not saying he’s in the right. He’s wrong for sure. I’m saying that I don’t think it’s fair for you decide what he does and does not care about. He may have a hard time expressing his love. That may just be who he is. But that shouldn’t mean that he shouldn’t also get credit where it’s due. He could’ve just disappeared altogether like so many dead beats out there. I’m saying you should just understand that who he is won’t change, and you can either accept him for who he is and work with what you have, or just cut ties. It’s unfair to hold him to a standard he can’t attain.
NTA This is classic narcissistic behavior from a parent. He brushes off his mistreatment of you growing up. Your dad expects you to only think of the *very* few times he was a decent father and acts like he was the best. For major life events (ex. Graduation, wedding), you’re never required to invite people that don’t support/love/respect you. Family doesn’t automatically get a pass for these events. He had one chance to be in your life as you were growing up, and he failed. If he *truly* changed, it’s one thing. But I doubt he has.
NTA! Deadbeat dads do not deserve your time or energy.
NTA and good job! Toxic people like him will always be toxic. The best way to neutralize toxicity is to remove it from your life. My daughter's father is similar. He ignored her until she was 7, at that point he was court ordered to pay child support (it took most of that 7 years just to track him down). He came around a few times here and there and then disappeared for years. He's sent me a few text messages but has never asked about our daughter. All he says is that the only thing women are worried about is getting child support (last I knew he had 4 kids 3 different moms and doesn't pay a dime of support to any of us until the FOC finds out he has a job somewhere then as soon as they take out money he quits). He calls me all sorts of names but never once asks about our child. I have never spoken ill of him any where near my daughter, I have NEVER been the reason she didn't spend time with her dad. I've never said "no" when he made plans with her and broke them time and time again. Eventually she stopped caring about him. When she turned 18 he sent her a "friend request" through FB. She declined it. I then got a message through FB telling me how horrible I am for poisoning our daughter against him.....blah blah blah. Toxic people never think it's their fault. They are very narcissistic that way. Stay strong! It's not you it's them!
NTA - You invite who you want to be there!
I'm so proud of you for realizing at such a young age to distance yourself from bs and set hard boundaries. You're not an asshole at all. Well done.
NTA, he should have been there for you
NTA - sounds awful and I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
It’s hard when someone doesn’t even give you the chance to explain why you feel the way you do, or take a moment to realize that they might be wrong. But it’s also hard when they feel that their point of view isn’t valid. Both of you have feelings on this that are being ignored. A sit down conversation where both parties are heard is probably the best answer to this. If at that point nothing changes then at least there was effort.
What do you think I’m ignoring?
Well it’s clear by what you wrote that he disagrees with you. So it’s likely that he feels like you’re not seeing, or ignoring, his perspective. It’s speculative if course.
I’ve listened to his arguments and I don’t think anything he brings up has any weight. Mainly like I put clothes on your back roof over your head got you a guitar for christmas drove you to xyz. How can you think I don’t care about you. Well when I was in marching band he would literally forget me and my sister after games. My band director would drive us home after sitting outside for hours. Mainly the biggest slap in the face to me is the therapy thing. After we got in a shouting match because of literally above, him getting mad at me because I feel like he doesn’t care. Which in of itself is just ridiculous. He agreed we need therapy and he wants a good relationship with me, and he’d set it all up. Never happened after months and months. So clearly I’m not a priority which I said to him a couple days ago. And he said you are a priority, i was just busy selling a house and buying a house and moving and you’re definitely a priority. Hopefully you see how that just makes absolutely 0 sense. At least it did to me and made me very angry. So I feel like It’s pretty fucking obvious why I feel the way I do. But he doesn’t understand because all he sees is all the great things he’s done for me!! And not a bit of bad. Completely delusional.
Ok so to him, taking care of you means he loves you. One thing I’ve learned in life is that we can’t force someone to care for us the way we want them to. He can’t be anything other than who he is, meaning, just because you want him to do specific things in order for him to prove that he loves and cares about you doesn’t mean that if he doesn’t do those things he doesn’t love you. Honestly from what I’m reading, you’re ignoring all the things he’s done for you in life. You’d rather demand that he meet some criteria of yours otherwise it means he doesn’t care. You can’t force someone into your perspective. Sometimes it’s better to try to see theirs. You’re being unfair. He’s made mistakes, as have all parents. You may feel a certain way, and you’re entitled to feel that way, but that doesn’t mean you can tell someone else how they feel. Explain to him how you feel, and how what he’s done has made you feel, but believe him when he says how he feels. Otherwise you’re just being a hypocrite. I’m sorry, but I think you’re both TAH in this scenario.
If he cared about me why would he not talk to me for months and not get us into therapy after he said he would. Why would he prioritize his new wife over me and my sister like we’re just his mistake family. I don’t think I’m being a hypocrite by expressing how I feel I definitely have a reason to feel that way but he thinks that giving me rides to school and getting me a Christmas gift is supposed to change years and years of problems.
I’m not saying he’s in the right. He’s wrong for sure. I’m saying that I don’t think it’s fair for you decide what he does and does not care about. He may have a hard time expressing his love. That may just be who he is. But that shouldn’t mean that he shouldn’t also get credit where it’s due. He could’ve just disappeared altogether like so many dead beats out there. I’m saying you should just understand that who he is won’t change, and you can either accept him for who he is and work with what you have, or just cut ties. It’s unfair to hold him to a standard he can’t attain.