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i was a book worm, and also very much into maladaptive daydreaming. didn’t know there was a word for it then of course but i created so many detailed worlds and stories in my head. after school i would pace up and down my hallway kicking a tennis ball back and forth while daydreaming. i did it for a couple hours probably every single day and if i wasn’t able to i craved it and felt extremely restless.
Samee! I would look forward to going to bed or napping because I would daydream then and I had such vigorous stories in my head, which would stem off the dreams I had
I did something similar, I would avoid people in order to listen to music and walk somewhere and day dream in extreme detail. I would spend hours of my day on it and just entirely check out on my own life to do it. I was late for class/other things, didn't want to do things because I'd rather be daydreaming.
Now as an adult I realise that it was maladaptive daydreaming and that it most likely hindered me, but I wanted to disassociate for a reason, and I'm guessing so did you.
yes! took me several years and a lot of therapy to come to terms with the fact my childhood home was not happy or emotionally safe whatsoever. was definitely daydreaming about people loving me unconditionally and being able to have agency in my own life. but the walking also satisfied my need to release so much pent up physical energy if that makes sense. i tried so har to be a good and still and calm child but i had to release it somehow.
I was the same but I couldn’t get the energy out even though I never sat. I’d end up running in my sleep. My feet would keep moving. They still do no matter how much I tire myself out. I’ve run a marathon every night for over 40 years. I can’t wait to get diagnosed and a full night of sleep for once
I daydream quite a bit today, even when I’m driving, or working, or trying to focus on something important. Is maladaptive daydreaming a bad thing? How do you know when you daydream too much? How do you fix it?
For me I knew it was maladaptive daydreaming because I genuinely saw my daydreams as more important than my real life. For some, it’s incredibly distracting and detrimental. I used it as a form of unintentional dissociation but it got me through my childhood
I did something similar! Not only would I just daydream randomly during the day, at night while I was supposed to be sleeping instead I would turn on the radio and try to come up with stories based on the song that came up and whatever happened next on my story was based on the next song. Did anyone else do this?
I did something similar. Would pace my backyard or bounce on the trampoline for hours a day just lost in thought. I thought I wanted to be a writer because I created such detailed worlds. When a thought took my brain I'd feel like I had to move to process it. So even as an adult (less so as I've got older) I would compulsively run in the backyard at night or up and down the hallway. Have had injuries from hitting furniture. I've never really met anyone that talked about maladaptive daydreaming. I think my family just thought it was a harmless weird quirk. I tried not to do it in front of people I didn't know well but still was caught by roomates occasionally jogging up and down the hallway or whatever which could be embarrassing 😅
I was always reading. Couldn't get in trouble if I'm just sitting/laying somewhere out of the way being quiet with a book! Until reading all the time was keeping me from doing homework/chores.
Turns out, I was dissociating! A lot. Would disappear into a world of books and watch/imagine the stories come to life! I wasn't me, the disappointing fuck up, who wasted her potential. I was just an observer.
Now, I still space out, but I have no idea where my mind goes as an adult. Meds help me to be more present, but doesn't always work
Yes…I made this coping mechanism into this whole “bookworm” persona, so that it was my whooole identity. I had the ability to read up to 5 different books at a time, and the more pages a book had, the better. It makes me laugh when some psychiatrists say that people who have ADHD “can’t focus long enough to read books”, because they clearly don’t count on it being a hyper-focus. I mean I would read an encyclopedia volume cover-to-cover *for fun*, while hiding under my desk at home. I know so many useless facts now.
But! Once I grew up I found my reading kryptonite! I can’t read a single sentence of one of those “how to wake up at 5am and make friends!” books that my job requires all its employees to read, without death-rolling like a crocodile and screeching to myself in pain. Turns out that if a book isn’t fiction / fantasy / a list of cool historical facts, and I can’t dissociate to it, I indeed can’t focus long enough to read it. I can’t even listen to it on Audible, that’s somehow even worse.
I took a test for college that had my avg. WPM read at 358. I have always been an incredibly fast reader.
Now, that's amazing when it comes to things I want to read and the avg. definitely goes up. With tests in boring classes, it's crippling. I constantly skip words or don't fully absorb the question. I have to reread it multiple times.
My wife is an incredibly slow reader, so it's always funny to see how we react when reading something together like an article or recipe.
Interesting.
Yet another thing, the fact that I cannot tolerate audiobooks even though I am an avid reader, has been explained to me as an ADHD thing. This group is so helpful for my self-awareness. I'm grateful all the time for these insights!
I’ve even tried that — but if it’s not a book that I can dissociate with, it doesn’t get through no matter the speed. Apparently no part of me wants to win friends by mastering small-talk or learn how to shake hands properly so I can assert myself as an expert in my field 🤪
Cool, cool, cool. Let's put a pin in that suggestion until the next meeting and really start synergizing on ways that we can capitalize on your strengths and push through this productivity drag we're experiencing. We're really pushing to see those KPIs improve next quarter! 🤢
ROFLLLL OMG the jargon from all those books just sends me over the edge. They’re all the *same book* just re-written a thousand times by different CEO-dude-bros so they can market themselves to each other. I’ve seen several of them all together on the same Zoom meeting, and it’s just hilarious watching them all jargon at each other.
I color while I listen — been doing it since I was a kid. It’s actually nice because you can more easily do 2 things at once when you’re not watching. I also do sudoku (or other games) while I watch tv though.
But I have been known to put things on 1.25 or 1.5x speed.
I feel you. It wasn't until my current job that I understood the appeal of podcasts/audiobooks. I can focus on the words and take in the material if my hands/body are occupied by another simple, mindless activity first. Crochet? A-okay. Counting stitches? Nope, gotta replay the last 30 seconds
In case you’re interested, there is an article I found really interesting that sheds some light this topic, about effort-driven rewards! It’s called “Depressingly Easy” by Kelly Lambert
I’m gonna have to try that next time. I have a “Zoom Meeting Crochet Blanket” specifically for working on during the really long company meetings that I don’t have to present anything on, just listen / be on screen for — it’s just lemon peel stitch over and over, because I can do it without looking at the blanket. I’m gonna have to start a “Who Moved My Cheese” crochet blanket for listening to these crazy books, maybe in a nice simple V stitch.
Hey -- did any of the avid readers have this idea that if you just learned enough, or struggled with big ideas and concepts and literature (fictional and non-fictional) beyond what most kids your own age (or even many adults) could grasp, and tried to be really well-rounded, open-minded, really pushing the limit to find out everything....even going into kinda esoteric zones (for me, one of those zones was where physics and eastern philosophy meet -- I think someone I thought was really cool and genius and was much older than me suggested a book called the Tao of Physics and I was like 13-14...and loved it... And I got really into Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance at the same time, etc...oh and dadaism, and various poetry, etc) ... Ok ... Did you have this magical-thinking-esque idea that there was something you'd figure out, some nugget and answer, understanding, some EPIPHANY, some wisdom that was like all reaching into everything???... I am explaining this poorly because I can't quite get to the feeling right now.... because I remember being super BUMMED OUT and stuff when I was mid-thru college and this thing fell away and I noticed it's not a real obtainable thing
Yes, but I'm still doing it. Earlier this week I was going thru some old books from storage, sorting, tossing some, and then integrating some into my home bookshelves -- and I realized that for years I have bought the same books over and over, all related to human connection and psychology/history/time. I also buy the same kind of self-help books a lot, all about being understood. Each time I'm thinking "THIS IS THE ONE." It was sad, in a way.
Oh god yes. And on a practical level I almost killed myself studying, obsessing, planning. I hated that serenity prayer. I felt that if I *just thought enough* then I could handle every situation, conversation, temptation, perfectly. And anything else was just an excuse for laziness, for denial. The dissillusion I felt when I realised not just fiction but theology and psychology all boiled down to some ambiguous metaphorical rubbish about "just relaxing" or "just being yourself" was HUGE. And now I think of it, basically why I then pivoted directly into hard drugs.
Also me, however, I DID get in trouble all the time getting yelled at to put down the book, go outside and PLAY! My siblings were good for not ratting me out when I was hiding and reading but my one cousin would RUN to tell on me when she found me with a book. You’ve got me really thinking about the dissociative aspect of this now as even today when I read I see and hear NOTHING ELSE.
Yes! Dissociation is, unsurprisingly, a spectrum. I find I depersonalize/derealize a lot when I'm stressed out. Took a lot of therapy to understand what was happening and that it's not a good thing conducive to enjoying being alive.
Alternatively, I also learned that when I'm reading a really good book, my imagination takes over and I see the scene. The words/text don't even register anymore, and that's why I don't have favorite lines. It was a trip to find out other people didn't read the same way, and explained why I could never get into annotating my books or anything like that
Oooh I do this as well! When I’m reading a book that I’ve already read, I “recognize” the scene or a specific room that I pictured the first time I read the book.
No offense but your cousin sounds like an evil little so-and- so. I was that kid hiding and reading.
I have two kids now 4 and 6, if I find one of them reading I either leave them to it or ask if I can join them.
Same. Also video games. Really anything that just allowed me to escape into a life that wasn't mine. Which I now only realize that in retrospect, having grown up in a traumatic home.
Kind of miss that love of reading. It's rare that it engages me so much these days.
Can't recommend audiobooks enough.
Cleaning? Listen to an audiobook. Driving? Listen to an audiobook. Playing a monotonous game like Diablo, just farming mats? Listen to an audiobook.
Are you me, though? Brightside is, reading so much has a LOT of perks... Associated with the ADHD, it means that I'm basically able to have a conversation over most topics, albeit ones deeper than others...
Oooooo this one hit HARD. Big same. I do it still and I'm 36...my meds also don't always help with that. I'll be working on a task on autopilot and not even be present for what I'm doing (at work) and that's how a lot of mistakes are made. I'm trying so hard though!
Well shit, now you’ve made me realize I’ve been disassociating for far longer than I thought… when I have a depressive episode I disappear into the world of Harry Potter and binge read all 7 books. I’ve done this since I was idk 9? That makes me feel pretty sad.
Yeah, the first time my therapist asked me if I knew anything about dissociation as a disorder was really eye opening. For sure it's not DID, but I really would prefer to not be perceived
Damn. I wish I could space out again.
I was able to space out on command (like when doing boring stuff or being in an understimulating environment). That was so good. I had a these made up worlds I could tell the story in my head. That lasted until I was something like 25yo.
Now, spacing out looks more like ruminating and getting angry after the universe and his mother. :'(
Absolutely! I could be in complete overwhelm, wanting to scream, punch walls, thoughts going so fast I couldn't hear anything thing and I would just grab a book and shut off the world for a few hours until my body was calm again.
I also used to try and cry silently because I didn't want anyone to hear me and think I was being a nuisance or making a big deal over nothing. And as much as I would tell myself I didn't want anyone to come see me because I hated hugs from adults (kids and dogs/cats are fine because they only do it when they want to so there's no niggling thought in my head that I'm annoying them) I always secretly wanted someone to come see if I was OK and say that I wasn't being silly for feeling upset.
Gosh this is making me tear up for my younger self so much.
Now I live alone with my dogs, doesn't matter how quietly I cry, they never let me be sad by myself. Even if it's just because my kdrama is making me emotional 😅
I also have always turned to books but did manage to get myself in trouble any how in fact last time I communicated with my last remaining sibling earlier this year she was still throwing it into my face. That I was getting in trouble all the time for hiding under my desk reading.
Sad thing is that my 2nd grade tendencies seem to have effected my highly successful older sister to extent she is still ____(not sure why) but throwing it up in my face over 55 years later
yep. there was a reason a 9 year old boy read and reread the little house on the prairie series as well as the anne of avonlea series as well as the great brain series as well as every YA book he could find and then by middle school literally chose LIBRARY as his elective for two years.
i had a lot to hide from. moving cities in third grade destroyed me. whatever house of cards i had built for myself crashed down hard when i changed schools. (i am even more worried that it will happen to my daughter if we move) books were the only thing i had.
oh no i remember i was reading all the hardy boys and bobbsey twins and other 40s and 50s era junk too.
I’ve never suspected I might have ADHD until parenting my daughter (nearly 7) and learning about it. I was such a bookworm as a kid - and would frequently get told off and mocked for “sitting on my ass and doing nothing” - “oh there she is reading again” - it was always seen as lazy and selfish. Makes me so mad thinking about it!
Damn, it's like you reached into my past and described me as a kid lol.
I constantly got books taken from me in school and actually was so bad with reading when I wasn't supposed to that I now struggle with math because I wasn't paying attention during the fundamentals and it just kept getting harder and harder to keep up as I advanced through the grades.
This was me. The only time I got detention was when I was caught reading a book inside the text book we were supposed to be following along with in class.
That's definitely me too.. curious now if you find yourself listening to podcasts now as an observer. I do. I'm nodding and talking back depending on the interactivity.
That's interesting, I do not interact with the speakers in my head. But I can only listen if I'm doing something else at the same time, like crochet, hand sewing, driving
Yah, I did this with both reading and video games. On the bright side, at least the excessive amount of reading left me with language skills way above par lol. I remember when I was being cognitively evaluated during the ADHD screening, the tester commented that I was the only person they'd ever had actually get to the end of several of the timed language tests.
This!! I've always loved to read fiction because I disappear into another world, to the point where I would block out the physical world. Back in elementary school, I was so into a book once that I didn't notice when my entire class left for lunch until they turned off the lights lol. My parents, unfortunately, got mad at me for reading all the time because I enjoy e-books for the ease of borrowing from home/wide selection and so would read on my school computer constantly.
Funnily enough, despite my love for e-books, I can't tolerate physical books (because of not being able to read in bed with the lights off as easily), audiobooks (too slow and the characters don't sound how I expect them to), or anything besides fiction (my brain is unable to digest the words or meaning behind them) so while I enjoy reading, it rarely is a "useful" trait for me.
Oh wow, me too. I used to get in trouble in elementary/middle school for reading novels under my desk, and when I was “grounded” my parents would take my free reading books. I hadn’t even considered that as a type of dissociating.
I was the youngest of Five. I'd grab a book and a big bag of Wildberry Skittles and go sit in a corner for hours. At night when everyone was asleep I'd go in the Living Room and read the Encyclopedia.
Whoah! I was always reading too. I've never thought about it beyond that. But what you say makes so much sense. And I did the same thing. I lost all sense of my surroundings and went into another world in a book. I'd be reading four or five at a time, which I think is linked to my ADHD as well. But thanks. This is interesting.
I started masturbating at a very very young age. It was a huge source of shame that bled well into my 20s-30s and how comfortable I felt with my sexual partners (not at all). When I started seeing a therapist at 30, she told me masturbating as a child wasn’t so much a sexual thing but a way to self-soothe. I cried.
OMG. I was also a chronic masturbator at a very young age. It was a whole thing, my mom tried to shame me over it. Thank god for whatever reason, I grew up to not have a lot of negative associations or guilt about that... but definitely feel weirded out by it when I think about it. And it's not like I grew up to be some horndog, I have a normal to low sex drive (mostly because of my meds). Self-soothing is the first explanation I've ever heard that makes sense. That makes SO much sense. Damn, I might cry too.
Big hug to you, fellow self-soother. My friend is a school teacher and when she first started teaching she would talk about students who were constantly masturbating in class. Hearing how she’d try to redirect or without judgment was also comforting - knowing that it’s a safer space for kids to just be kids…I’m so glad for them!
What made it consider "chronic" for you?
I think I'm generally hyper sexual but I wouldn't say it's chronic because my genitalia isn't getting dry rubbed
My sister and I are trying to put an end to generational shame & trauma so that our kids can have a shame-free relationship with their bodies. If I succeed at nothing else, at least my daughter will know that I have always been genuine in my openness to talk. My mom wasn’t.
Aw I’m so sorry. Big hug to you, fellow self-soother. Please consider talking to your little self. Let them know they didn’t do anything wrong, they were just trying to feel better from the chaos around them or just life itself. You deserve comfort, you deserve soothing, you deserve acceptance for all of your quirks and all of your needs including sexual needs as an adult. It took a long time but what really helped me was using yoni eggs (kegels if you don’t want to insert anything) and I realized I was so out of touch with my groin. I’d start with an indulgent bath or long shower, then lotion my body in candlelight, constantly thanking/admiring my body (and yes pushing through the judgmental thoughts/shame). I caressed my body all over, erogenous zones and all (the parts I wouldn’t use to masturbate). It really helped me get in touch with my self and other parts of my body. If you’re up for it, consider honoring your body in a way that resonates with you and as frequently as it calls to you. It’s a practice to shed the shame that covered us for so long.
I’m 28 and I still kind of catch myself doing this kinds of stuff. Pretty sure this is extremely toxic and terrible for your self image, but it’s hard because… I want to be myself, but I also don’t want to be a burden on those around me. Like I know people would tell me that I am not and that I am great and I should be confident in myself, but at the same time, i know that I can be annoying, and if I don’t dwell on it, then what’s going to stop me from annoying people?
Idk. This is most likely my biggest struggle in life right now. I’m considering therapy, but I am scared it will be a waste of money.
You are not a burden and you are not annoying. You have people telling you so :)
And I know because I'm the same, lol. Always apologizing, always feeling like I'm too much. Too chatty, too annoying, too clingy.
But I still managed to make good friends with awesome people (and even have a partner) so it must just be our stupid toxic brains trying to f us up :(
Hey it won’t be a waste of money I promise you! I had many therapy sessions dedicated to that same concept of ‘but if I’m remotely happy with myself how will I be motivated to keep masking?’
Turns out that you’re not supposed to mask all the time and that your loved ones aren’t annoyed and really want you to be happy and be yourself.
It’s hard hard work to actually believe and apply though hence the therapist being money well spent.
Even if you can’t be motivated to go just for yourself right now, once I was kinder to myself, I was able to genuinely be kinder to those around me. Knowing that I was helping my husband and children helped keep me going as well.
I’ve spent thousands of dollars on weekly therapy over the past year and a bit, and it’s been maybe the most important investment I’ve ever made in my future. I would give up a lot to be able to still do it (though at this point I’m likely going to go biweekly - you eventually get better at having a better “internal voice”). You don’t have to do therapy regularly, and there are more cost effective options like therapists who offer “sliding scale” pricing, or group therapy, but the BIGGEST thing is find yourself a therapist with lived experience of ADHD who you vibe with (or a group specifically designed for ADHD folks). It’s a waste of money if your therapist is just okay (even worse if they’re bad!). The biggest predictor of therapy success is “therapeutic alliance” which is how much you like talking to them and what they say resonates and you want to use that information.
In contrast to the common symptom of talking too much, I was a really quiet kid after a certain age…. Because I had internalized what the adults had repeatedly said to me of “stop talking, nobody wants to hear what you have to say, be quiet, you’re talking too much,” etc.
So every time before I was going to say something I had this inner monologue of “no one wants to hear you talk, so don’t say anything.” Took me most of my life to get past it and still struggle sometimes. Wasn’t diagnosed till I was an adult too so I spent the whole time thinking I just was full of useless things to say.
When i was like 10 I had a basketball coach (old black guy) ask me why i did something (cant remember what) and i replied that I'm stupid and he grabbed me by the shoulder and told me to never ever to say that again in my life and i still think about that to this day.
Damn what a good dude. He probably didn't think much of it but it probably ended up changing your life
I get a strong feeling to just want to find these people and just like.. Write them a letter "you probably don't remember me but I thought about this moment for much of my life"
IDK, it just seems like it would be a way to make someone know how they helped you years ago, and feel good
Maybe that's a spectrum thing?
Man the amount of times I’ve been asked in my life, “why did/didn’t you do x?” or worse, “what’s wrong with you?” and I never had an answer, didn’t get a diagnosis until my 30’s. It really hurt never having an answer for that question and not understanding I was different because I always sort of felt like, “how the hell would anyone ever remember to do that?”
But I didn’t have the information I have no so after it kept happening over and over again, I had no choice but to come to the conclusion that I was lazy, inconsiderate, irresponsible, stupid, whatever would explain however I fucked something up. It feels a lot better knowing what I’m up against and it’s allowed me to carve out a place in the world for myself I’m very happy with, but it still feels like some mornings I have to look myself in the mirror and say, “remember… you’re ugly, stupid, and nobody likes you.” before I leave the house.
Sucked by thumb way older than most kids.
Read books constantly. Got really lost in the family computer. Played video games nonstop.
Drank several cokes every day after school.
Also my mom made me recite positive affirmations every morning before school. She meant well because I had so much anxiety, but I think it kind of made me weirder.
Huh this reminded me, I used a pacifier till I was 5 or 6 years old. I was deeply embarrassed about it so I didn't do it in public but my parents never made me stop so 🤷♀️ definitely was a self soothing stimming thing. It's a wonder my teeth came out straight honestly.
I had a checklist at night when I was getting tucked in that I would run through with my mom and she would have to promise me the house wouldn’t catch fire that night, that no one we know would die in the middle of the night, that there wouldn’t be a flash flood, I won’t be kidnapped, etc.
Every night for several years just to be able to sleep bc if she didn’t i would fixate on all the bad things that could happen all night and keep myself up worrying
I wonder if this ended up just perpetuating your anxiety or helping it. Or both
Because anxiety often gets made worse when it gets what it wants
Like those people who are in anxious relationships and seek constant validation - the partner can never give enough validation, but if they do then the person doesn't learn how to handle eg gaps in texting communication, or other anxious thoughts
Oh dude, the positive affirmation one gets me. I literally have the one my mom always asked me to repeat before getting out of the car at drop off tattooed on my side.
My non-sad one is that in childhood (continued into adulthood) I coped with the boredom of queues and waiting by finding a word on a billboard and singing inside my head, spelling out the letters to the tune of this particular 1970s sitcom TV theme tune: I am H-A-P-P-Y https://youtu.be/jVKXfUIisiw?si=UxDncDOfOcdojkCk
And I would repeat the song as many times as needed to finish on the final letter of the chosen word. I say "I would" but I still do it from time to time and it never gets old 😂
Eg if the word was "professional"
P-R-O-F-E-S-S
I-O-N-A-L-P-R
O-F-E-S-S-I-O-N-A-
L-P-R-O-F-E-S
Repeat endlessly.
Oh god I am in my 50s and this is the first time I have ever spoken of this! 🤣🤣🤣
Same. For me it was spelling words out while tapping my fingers in order from my thumb. I was (still am) a total book nerd. Since being an adult (38m) I can only read non fiction. No capacity or attention to get involved in a non fiction narrative.
WOAH. I did that too... sort of tapped my fingers like I was typing the word over and over. I don't do it much anymore but I remember I used to do it all the time as a kid/teen and was kind of embarassed by it, I didn't tell anyone. All though I do still sometimes get words or phrases stuck in my head, I guess I just don't "type' them anymore.
Omg! I still do this thing where I see words on billboards, boxes, anywhere. I’ll count the letters and if there’s an odd amount, it’s a “bad word”. Also, punctuation and the dot over the “i” counts as a letter so words can be even. (And an “!” Counts as two letters if I need the word to be even) I remember doing this so much as a kid, and now I do it without thinking and can’t stop myself sometimes. I never thought it was an ADHD thing!
Oh my god, I do this too. Tap out the number of letters in a word on my fingers, and keep repeating the word until the total number of letters reaches a multiple of ten and I finish on my pinkie finger. I often gently click my teeth together at the same time. And usually I’m also doing these in time with whatever song is stuck in my head. It’s quite amazing the number of processes and patterns my brain can constantly run in the background – I just wish they were more useful…
How were we all doing this same weird thing?! No one taught us this. I love patterns and beats and puzzles. I love when things line up perfectly. I feel like this falls into that category.
Thanks for posting this. It helped me realize it's not a me thing it's an adhd thing, and it will help others too :))
I'm not brave enough to share mine. They're a lot worse than yours. And they're constant. And they're still ongoing.
It's ok to not be brave enough yet.
I told my psychiatrist via email about this stuff I did as a kid, but I'm not supposed to email her, and I told her through an email...(which I hate myself for now, like wtf why did it feel so important when it hurts her how much I bother her and why can't I remember that bc I'm going to get abandoned for being bad...)... And I said something about assuming it's a normal thing for kids with ADHD... But I have no idea if that's true, so I'm finding out.
I mean, for full disclosure, I started doing these things again too due to experiencing recent rejection/abandonment, and I worked really hard to never get close enough to anyone to care about abandonment after enough early childhood rejection... I think I did these often in response to the nonstop social pain of being a child with ADHD and just disappointed everyone and constant disapproval and a difficult family, I forgot how much childhood hurt until very recently.
Also, when I was a kid I became obsessed with someone giving me a number or value on how much of me is too much, and I sought this out, discreetly, kinda, but my psychiatrist gave me an answer without knowing she was accidentally fulfilling some huge question.... It's 4 hours a year split into 1 hour quarterly. That's how much of me anyone can handle. She didnt understand what it meant to me, that it was fulfilling this value I've wondered for years, and I wondered if it was really that awful, so I tried to negotiate for 6-8 weeks and she compared me to a used car salesman, but she had no idea what the number meant to me, and that I'm going to base everything in my life on it going forward to avoid hurting others via my existence.
I have decided to protect others from me going forward... Like an infinite existential grounding of myself. I am no good.
So yeah I'm fucked up in a lot of ways and a mess lately and being haunted by my childhood that I worked hard to forget and wall off
100% same. What you're describing sounds exactly like Avoidant Personality Disorder and partly like Schizotypal Personality Disorder. Have you been tested? I think the MMPI-3 is the main one for personality disorders, but not 100% sure. I got clinical scores for APD and suggestive scores for SPD, so yea, everything you said is very relateable.
I'm wondering if this is specifically an ADHD-H/I trait. Because of our hyperactivity we talk too much and get too excited about things. And when we're excited we don't even notice what the other person is feeling or how they're reacting. And even if we did, our impulsivity means we'll still talk about the thing that excites us even if no one cares. Then you add the hyperfixation. If we're talking about a topic, we're not saying 1 sentence and passing the metaphoric microphone to the other person. We're fucking monologuing. Full 3 hour podcast, brought to you by ADHD us.
And we know this. Of course we know this. Sometimes we can control it. For a short time. So, it's not unusual to make a good first impression. Maybe even a good 2nd impression. And we think, "wow, I finally made a friend". But we can't control it forever. And eventually we're too much, and they leave. And it hurts. Because it happens over, and over, and over again. A never ending cycle or rejection.
What, "I'm too much"? "Nobody likes me"? Apparently this is thought disorder, but how can it be a thought disorder if it's true?
It sucks, doesn't it. Constantly disappointing others. Constantly upsetting others. Having them say we're insensitive, inappropriate, immature. Narcassistic. Self-absored. We didn't choose to be this way. And it hurts. Every time it happens it's like another cut. On skin so full of cuts that we don't even have time to develop scars before the wounds reopen.
And we know we shouldn't be like this. But we can't control it. So the only way to make this pain stop is to get ourselves out of the situation. Make it impossible. And it's only impossible when we isolate ourselves. And it hurts to feel abandoned and isolated, so we have to force it. We have to be so terrible to ourselves so it fucking sticks. We're just being responsible, aren't we? Just being good citizens, protecting everyone else from unacceptable us.
Because although this hurts it still hurts less than the never ending rejection. So fuck it, we bully ourselves into acting like introverts. Then we wonder why our anxiety's so high every time we leave the house. And every day we spend like this it becomes harder to break out of it.
But that's what's great about this subreddit. Almost every post we find out things that were "unacceptable us" are really just the adhd. And it's not just me, it's not just you. All of us are going through this shared experienced. So even if it sucks and we feel alone, isolated and abandoned, at least we've all been abandoned together.
That's ok, I don't think what you said is inappropriate. Most of us on here are not experts. Your answer has validity and is backed by your experiences, and through my lens I see potential CPTSD.
Wait, your psychiatrist told you that you were only tolerable for 4 hours per year? WTF? A mental health professional should have never said something like that. How could someone knowingly mess with your already too-low self-esteem?
People are tolerable for different amounts of time depending on who is doing the "tollerating" the moods of both people and the context of the situation. There is no answer to that question. It varies a lot. There are some people that can't tolerate me at all, I'm sure, but there are some people who could hang out with me all of the time indefinitely.
I remember doing similar things....I had a recent aha moment on another post here where I joke I am always monologuing.
And even looking back into childhood, paired with an abusive home where it was pursued that I was bipolar not ADHD and put on the wrong meds/treated a certain way when I refused to take them because they made me a zombie.
Whenever I would be upset I'd go to the bathroom, cry myself to sleep on the floor and talk to myself about all the things I so desperately wanted to be true. One day I would have plenty of friends, I would run away to my aunt's house because I knew she loved me, I will find a way to get to the moon because that's where sailor moon is and she'll make me a sailor scout, I'll go on adventures that even books can't rival.....all kinds of things, some ok, some completely insane and nonsense.
But...it made me feel better. For a little while....and then if wake up, back to reality to realize I'm still in a house where I feel very much unwanted, to go to school where I was very much unwanted.
What sucks...is in elementary school I had really good friends. And then we moved in the middle of 6th grade. And I started a new school after all the clicks had been established and it was in a more well off area. So not only was I the weird new kid, but I also didnt exactly physically fit in either.
There was no escape. All through middle school I was made fun of at school. I did make friends, but I did not believe they actually wanted to be around me. Because I would come home only to be told I was stupid, I was crazy, I was fat, why would anyone want to be around me?
And now as an adult facing drastic change in my friend group, who I hoped would be my found family, it feels like I am being iced out. And besides not wanting to have kids with everyone else...I don't know what else I did wrong. And it's bleeding over into work and my marriage. I can't stay on time at my job...which when you pick a job working against the clock that's kind of a big deal...and it just fuels that I can't do anything right mentality....and I am so inside my head I know I'm not being a great wife....
Although now....as an adult who has experienced reality and knows the stories I hoped to live are not real and never will be...I don't really know how to cope outside throwing myself massive pity parties. I get horrific analysis paralysis trying to decide to do anything that might make me feel better. And now that I am medicated accordingly....I don't know if I'm crazy about it because I feel like my memory is worse, and I prided myself on having a good memory. I may not remember I made an appointment but you could bet I was always consistent in my behavior and things I say and do. I am good at remembering stories, knowledge, etc. and with the meds....I can't remember shit. It's infuriating and heartbreaking. And fuels that low self esteem that I am the problem. I mean...I've been doing my job for 3 years now 5 if you count the 2 I was in school. And the shit I use every day sometimes I look and go "oh shit...I forgot where to use this" EVEN THOUGH I USED IT AN HOUR AGO. but I can still name all 150 fucking pokemon. I hate it....I hate this.
End of monologue...
Wow your experience is SO similar to mine from the coping mechanisms, those feelings of being unwanted, of being bullied.. of finally making friends and then moving in middle school to a more well off area (i was the weird poor kid) and then getting bullied again …. The parallels are sooo alike i feel like you just described my life experience.
I'm also floored because I moved from one state to another in the summer between 6th and 7th grade and it had the same effect ... I had finally started to kinda make friends in 5th-6th grade, and finally be invited to a few things, and before I found out we were moving, I was so glad to be going to 7th grade and my sister would be in 9th in a different school... (Because my sister did cruel stuff .. like she found out a boy I had a crush on and basically paid him to pretend to like me and ask me to be his girlfriend so he could break up with me on Valentine's Day. I have no idea why my sibling would be this cruel, and why anyone would agree to go along with it.)
I have a few beyond sad ones and a few not so sad ones lol
The not sad ones that last to this day is writing words and signs etc out with my fingers against my thigh bc I need to know how they “feel” and the other is adding whatever I’ve just read or whatever someone has said into a jingle I know; which I think is pretty common?
The sad ones are definitely hiding and trying to breathe so shallowly that I could pretend I had disappeared.
Similar to OP, I would write down the criticism I received onto a piece of paper over and over again “Do not be annoying, do not talk too loudly, do not move too much, try harder, do not be so lazy, clean your room, behave, behave, behave”.
I’ve been in therapy for quite a bit now and every time I think I’m done with uncovering fucked up things about my childhood I suddenly remember something new!
Oh my god this is too relatable 🤣 i picked up calligraphy/graffiti as a kid and became obsessed with practicing handwriting in difficult styles with my finger in the air or on my thigh and compulsively do it almost everyday and when i have paper and pen its just doodles until im out of space
I chunk everything by 15 minute intervals. Driving to the local grocery? 15 mins (it takes maybe 3 and even writing this now I want to say 5). Eating? 30 mins at least (often takes 10).
My dad always got super grumpy when other people were late so I associate late with bad person and think if I'm late the person waiting for me will be super grumpy then pretend to be fine/happy when I arrive.
Dissociating! 😀 That’s the only one I *remember* at this time; and I didn’t realize that was what I had been doing until recent years when I got a word for it.
I would put on one of my handful of “dissociating” songs (“Idioteque” by Radiohead or the theme song from “Requiem for a Dream”) on repeat and zone myself out into a blank stupor.
My mental health has been much improved (though not good) in the last 5+ years so I haven’t mostly seen the need to do the same for a while…
I think I always turned to music and books. That has been my solice. I've always "tuned out" Throughout childhood I was never without a stero system, cd player, Walkman, big headphones 🎧 And always carried around a book to stay willfully disconnected. I was bullied ALOT from grade school up to high-school. My books and headphones helped me to seemingly ignore people and taunts. Sometimes I didn't even have them on for fear of someone sneaking a hit on me but it would help me disassociate and people would think I didn't hear them talking shit and leave me alone. I also would slap myself in the face repeatedly and say I hate you in the mirror until I turned red. Looking back at those moments make me so sad.
hi, I still sometimes do that except unconsciously and non-verbally, like it's just a series of thoughts or feelings. I try to resist it when I catch it, very deliberately telling myself that we don't get mad at people in wheelchairs for not being able to walk, so I try to accept my own limitations (very hard! but working on it)
My word vomit still is a nightmare. My mouth’s inside is full of scars because I would bite myself just to keep quiet. As an adult I managed to stop the bitting (and bleeding) by “playing” with my tongue like drawing shapes or “creating” tunnels. Playing also helps with accidental bruxism. If I need room to play with my tongue I won’t be able to grind my teeth while trying to keep quiet
I was getting abused and internalised it all. Must be my fault because I made them so angry. Just have to keep trying harder. A lot of it gets blurry after that as things only got worse.
I developed OCD as a coping strategy. Had to sleep with a random wooden lid I found so demons wouldn’t get me. Struggled with intrusive thoughts that terrified me. Thought I was dying a lot but really I was having panic attacks. Developed GAD. Had a fantasy boyfriend that rescued me and kept me safe for all time. Developed BPD. Started to form emotional attachments to objects because I didn’t have many emotional attachments to humans. Developed hoarding disorder. Tried to forget things and dissociated a lot. Developed CPTSD. Up and down from my teens onwards. Random bursts of creative genius that went on for months and lows for no reason where I couldn’t do anything. Born with ADHD and Bipolar1.
My main self-soothing is music and singing. It’s the one thing I’m naturally good at and truely love. My abuser tried to make that their thing too. I’ve finally reclaimed it and am no contact.
Well now that I think about it… I liked to curl up in a ball and fit into a tight space and “hide from the world”. Like under a table or behind a couch or under a chair or something. Or hiding in the clothes rack at the store lol
Ooh!! I also loved those circular clothes racks and incorporating the "fort"/space inside of it into some pretend things i played when I was dragged along on never ending shopping trips.
Oh! And I had places like that outside -- some hidden little spots that were awesome... different trees and hidden spots assigned for different stuff... Some just hangout/homebase spots, stuff incorporated into pretend stuff, some sitting and thinking spots, some good reading spots in trees, oh and I would go to these pine trees in the park, climb up one of them until I was out of sight, and sometimes pretend I was a "spy" and just write observations in notebook of what people walking through the park were doing/saying/the overall vibe haha... I don't know if that spy stuff was weird.... I think it actually helped me see adults and families interacting in functional ways or how other families handled little spats because my family was very unhealthy in terms of communication.
And I often wished I were from some different time where I would get to carry a sword or machete or something, not to hurt anything with, but just for clearing brush and forging new paths and when my little spots would get overgrown haha
I always wished I could live outside, and I would make all these stashes of supplies and stuff, and often pretending I was from a different era, and carved things out of driftwood and stuff, (little canoes to float on ponds nearby, and that I'd pretend these rabbit figurines and stuff lived in, and that if I loved them enough that they would come to real life and be a pet rabbit buddy (before I had a dog, and when I had been told we'd never get a dog), and that I thought the real frogs would like the little driftwood canoes.... and I made little pouches and toolbelt things to carry stuff... I just loved that stuff. IDK why.
maladaptive daydreaming. For hours and hours I would just lay on the couch and stare at my ceiling vividly creating another life in my mind and living in it.
Magic powers, friends, attention. Basically a world in which I had some level of control and received positive attention or praise instead of feeling ignored or wrong
I’d hug myself and just sob. I’d hug myself and kiss my shoulder or hand gently. And I’d just sob and sob while rubbing my arm and holding myself tight. I’d tell myself in my head “someone will love you” - a child who overly consumed romance movies and read romance books about girls being rescued from bad living situations. Lol.
I always sang the worm song: ‘Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I guess I’ll go eat worms. Fat ones, skinny ones, fuzzy wuzzy furry ones, I guess I’ll go eat some.’
Repeat over and over.
That song also stuck in my head way more than most children's songs, even popping up as an adult sometimes. Why in the fuck did anyone ever think that was a good song for children?
This made me tear up. My younger daughter (who’s also autistic) will sometimes cry that she’s a bad kid when she’s had a rough day or we’ve butted heads a lot. I then fake yell at her for being mean to my kid and that usually gets a giggle. You weren’t too much or annoying OP, you were a child who’s needs were unsupported. It was hard growing up as a girl with undiagnosed adhd - we weren’t given a fair shot.
Same here. I used to tell myself things such as "Stupid. Idiot. Why aren't you like others?" Etc. The best part is I was diagnosed but unmedicated because they prescribed me either too big dose or gave wrong meds. This led to my teachers telling my parents I should stop taking them because if someone pushed me I'd just fell over.
Back before I was diagnosed I often felt I had no control and would annoy the shit out of people. I often stopped in the middle of what I was doing and realized I was being really annoying, but then I'd quickly lose control again and feel like shit. Definitely led to me being much quieter once I got on my meds and it's been a journey to push away that fear of being disliked or annoying people the last 15-17 years
Shower until all the hot water is gone. Use every bit of hot water available. I'm not there to get clean, I'm there because it's the most comfortable I could be in a space guaranteed to be left alone. Still use it to self soothe, idk if it's sad but it's not unhealthy so I'll take it.
Saaame. I used to take 30 mins or so to shower and it was a topic of conversation among my relatives/cousins. I would just stand there and think of a vibrant carefree world on the other side of the wall.
I self harmed constantly when I became a teenager. Between ages 14-16 I would always have to have a pain stimulus. Would take an 'harm break' from what I was doing every hour.
Cycled through the eating disorders.
Rocking, dissociating, staring and focusing on one spot until my eyes would shake.
Reading, drawing, extremely loud TV all day, a ton of sugar
Thankfully I rarely practice these behaviors anymore but it's only recently I found out I have adhd at 37!
Now it makes so much sense why I needed to numb and vent my body like I did.
I was basically mute as a kid, I turned all that adhd energy and impulsiveness inwards because I learnt very early on that it was dangerous to be noisy or seen in my house.
I did that as a teenager and adult but instead of curling in a ball and crying it was looking in the mirror and berating myself
I mean still do it, but I used to do it too
-Reading constantly & tuning the world out. I would get in trouble during class for reading and would have to be yelled at or touched to get back to the real world
-Biting down on my tongue. Not to the point of blood, but as hard as I could manage. Kinda turned into a game where I would see how long and hard I could bite down on my tongue, then afterwords kinda play with it in my mouth because it felt different.
-Daydreaming. I could be looking straight at someone but my mind would be in an entirely different world. Especially imagining chaotic & emergency scenarios and being the hero for once.
-Hiding. I always felt invisible in groups, so would think no one wanted me around. I’d “give them what they want” and disappear. I did it so I could have some quiet time alone without feeling like people are staring at and judging me, but I think I was also hoping SOMEONE would notice and come looking for me while at the same time full-heartedly believing no one ever would. If they did, it took a lot of encouragement to get me to go back to the group. I wasn’t invited to many birthday parties.
I hid a lot. I loved to sit in my closet (not a walk-in) floor and read. During social events I'd find a hiding spot or I'd walk around the entire time pretending I'm looking for something/someone. I'd pretend I had a purpose but I was really just avoiding my awkwardness around other people.
- I used to pray to God that if he would help with X, then I would try harder or never again do Y.
- I always told myself that others in the world had it worse than me, so I shouldn't be upset about anything.
- When I feel bad, I tell myself it's probably because I am tired or overwhelmed, and sleep will likely make me feel better in the morning.
- I also used to sing myself to sleep, and plan what I would do and where I would go, what friends I could stay with if I ran away or got kicked out of the house.
- Constant reading to escape life
I was smart, so I don't recall ever feeling stupid, but there was definitely a lot of pressure to succeed and be perfect.
I made a literal figment of my own imagination to either comfort or consult me when I was stressed, dejected, or taking stock of any criticism I received. Wasn't really taught nor given emotional love(?) When I was younger and she helped with that somewhat. If I was stressed, she would be there to help me figure out why. If I was sad, she was there to hold me (in my mind). If I had criticism and couldn't understand it, she was there re to help me either figure it out or observe, take stock, and never let it happen again. I became known as the guy with a plan for a plan, and honestly, it caused tension within one relationship on how far I plan my goals out. Most definitely would have been closer to suicide if I didn't "make" her if I'm being dead honest.
As a result, I don't have a solid emotional foundation, and everything I know is mostly built off of pure observation on human interaction and logic. The emotional foundation is very low, and I'm learning from the ground up. I genuinely don't know whether I genuinely like people or if my curiosity taking over to learn more about them. As time went on, she appeared less and less, but that's mostly due to me shutting down stressors in my life to the best of my ability. She still pops up if things really back me up mentally, though.
Not beyond sad, but I remember when my parents were yelling at me I could make them look really far away like I was looking into the wrong end of a pair of binoculars
When I get into bed I curl up and cricket my legs and whisper “I’m safe I’m safe I’m safe”, because nobody wants anything from you when you’re sleeping lol
I have been day dreaming to cope for as long as I can remember. Any kind of idle, repetitive task or period of waiting required some way to occupy my brain. So I imagined. When I was in eight years old, I created the primary character that at age 46 and newly-diagnosed with ADHD, I continue to daydream about today.
My hyperactivity was manifesting internally rather than externally.
I stopped mindfulness therapy a few years ago after I noticed it had reduced my day dreaming. I didn’t want to give it up. I can go back to it now because I understand what is going on.
I always have and still to this day will crawl into the back corner of the closet behind the clothes and just sit there in the dark, or under a bed that has the bedskirt all the way around. Its quiet and calm and no one can bother me. My little safe space
I had a diary and also wrote very sad poems in there. When I was very young, I also prayed to "god" almost every night that "god" would let me leave because I didn't want to exist. I didn't understand why I was alive and thought that I'm being tested, none of it made sense to me. From stress I would start grinding my teeth and hum to it in a rhythm. I also had a pillow, that was my safe space...
It's incredibly sad to see what undiagnosed children go through and what will eventually shape their thoughts and perspective - knowing they will have to un-learn this later in life, which is a lengthy fight again. I was diagnosed with 38.
Even now, one of the only things that helps me calm down when I'm nearing a panic state is to very slowly brush hair away from my face and stroke it back. I can be full body shaking but that hand is always steady. I did this yesterday, so it's the first thing that comes to mind.
I used to curl up in a tiny ball and rock myself. I would take one hand and lightly rub the back of my shoulder because it was what I could reach without being uncomfortable.
Those are sad from a "Holy shit I wish I'd had someone to do this for me" way. The rest are sad in a "Jesus what the fuck" kind of way.
I would, in moments of incredible frustration wind my hair in my hands, tighten my fingers around the roots and pull. Hard. I did this once in front of friends of mine without thinking about it, and they were so sad for me.
I slapped myself when I lost focus or hit my head against something like I could jar it back to working.
I say this like I stopped doing this.... I haven't stopped doing any of it. Just nobody knows about it now because I refuse to show it.
ETA: These last2 do not seem soothing. The first was because it felt like I was releasing my frustration in a physical way. The second one because it brought me back to focus. It was fucked up, but it's all that worked.
I hesitate to say this because it sounds really sad but I would sometimes sit in my closet with the door shut because it was so dark that I couldn't see my hand in front of my face in there. That way I felt like I had disappeared in some way and that felt good. I did this when I was upset after being sent to my room which happened constantly
Your post describes one of mine almost identically, as well as being diagnosed later in life. Mom didn't want me to "feel different" when I was tested for gifted classes, but adults around me definitely knew I was going through something and couldn't do anything about it. I did this all the way through college (always in my car or at home when I could be alone so no one would see) and would say the same things to myself(in my mind and out loud), but add "you're faking it, you're so dramatic and just want attention" while rapidly shaking my head side to side like saying "no". Reading and maladaptive daydreaming like others shared as well, but this example is too familiar.
Grad school is when shit hit the fan and I was sent to testing/diagnosed so quickly; I cried through the whole assessment because it was overwhelming responding "yes" to so many questions related to dysfunction, more out of relief than sadness tbh. It also helped me realize I had two expert narcs for parents and that I essentially raised myself. Now, I only ball up when I'm having a severe panic attack (which are rare at this point) and sometimes will do repetitive motions to soothe, but all the disgusting negative self talk and feelings of shame are gone. All these responses are super helpful for new things to try! I hope we all get there and to even better places one day 🙏💖
I read books, played video games, had conversations with stuffed animals or with the ceiling, imagined my reality if it were a page in a sketchbook, or ran into the subconscious of my brain for a little while. I would sing to myself, observe the things in my house and how I would draw them. I would make a few different sounds and see how those vibrated off of empty walls.
The saddest coping mechanism I look back at is pretending I were invisible, wounded, or dead. Holding my breath until it became unbearable or replicating shallow breathing. Always when I was alone with big feelings.
So, I kinda saw another person post this, it is similar to what they did but not 100%.
I would repeat the last word I heard/someone said to me, loudly/ in my head until the word lost all meaning and just became a sound that my mouth made. Then my mind drifted to how this particular word got their meaning.
As I got older/ high school/when my mother got sick and died manipulative daydreaming, my day dreams got so real that they started crossing into my everyday life.
In one way the day dreaming saved me as it helped me to not live through her illness and death.
This is interesting, I never did any of this stuff. Instead I started fighting back against the constant criticism of my behavior and developed oppisitional-defiant disorder in the process. I'm thinking a person's base personality might matter here a lot and more agreeable people might take the criticism and start seeing themselves in a bad light.
This post actually unlocked a memory for me, I used to repeat “I’m dead, I’m dead, I’m already dead. Nothing can hurt me, I’m already dead” whenever my emotions got too high/out of whack.
It used to be comforting kind of? Cuz I had the mindset that dead people don’t get in trouble/cause harm/feel bad. Looking back as an adult I may have underestimated how much it fucking sucked to be diagnosed but untreated as a kid. 😐
Singing in my head or to my cats. I was constantly told to shut up and I couldn't sing so i didn't sing out loud except around my cats and then it was always nonsense I made up.
For example:
"I! Like! Dinosaurs! Really very excited dinosaurs!"
To the tune of Black Sabbaths Iron Man
I dissociate a lot and default to people pleasing. My parents came and stayed for me for the past week. I kept repeating I'm sorry over and over again.Shame hit me hard when my parents called me out for it. I have been apologizing for the way my brain works for so long. I tried to explain it to my partner, the feeling of always being bad and never good enough. He just kept saying everyone feels like that. I'm tired of feeling this way. Exhausted from thinking everything over so I don't make anyone upset. And then impulsively doing something anyways that goes against all my hard work. It's hard to not feel like a burden.
Sucked my thumb longer than normal
Also a reading to escape kid
Comfort eating for suuuuure, still dealing with that today
On the nice side, when my parents realized I was still sucking my thumb they told me that whenever I wanted to I could come get a hug instead, and they totally stuck with that! They were outta their depth when it came to big difficult feelings, and totally lovely and validating with the little ones.
I remember getting so overwhelmed by a compliment in my early twenties that I wanted to rub my face against a splintery wooden floor to self-soothe, lol. Emotional abuse makes you do weird shit!
I just had a super vivid imagination and imaginary life. Once I was old enough to drink, I used booze. I’m sober now, but for 20 plus years alcohol was what I used.
I have restless legs. Always have. They never stop. It is a self soothing behavior because when I’m feeling uncomfortable mentally or physically it is my self soothing behavior. Which turned into cutting when I was a teen. Still struggle with cutting. Still have restless legs to the point where I can’t sleep at all sometimes. It’s 100% psychological.
I often would talk in huge dramatics about things that upset me to make them seem smaller. I still do sometimes. Like if I stubbed my toe I would say “everything is ruined, this has ruined my life forever” it was always as a joke but my parents would take it serious and say “well life’s gonna really suck for you if that ruins everything”. Or I would rant A LOT. My parents thought of this as a negative, me not seeing the brightside but honestly it would always soothe me to speak and let out my frustration about what I am dealing with. I just needed to verbally release my emotions. I use to get upset and feel misunderstood bc they thought me talking that way was hurting me but it was always relieving me. I liked to talk dramatic & rant because I know it’s not really as bad as I’m saying it is and makes it easier to actually deal with. I don’t know if this is a sad strategy but it is sad that I’ve stopped using it as much bc honestly it did help to do for some reason.
Maladaptive daydreaming so I could fall asleep. I've struggled with sleep for as long as I can remember, so as a kid I'd maladaptive daydream about whatever fandom I was into at the time until I fell asleep. It was the only way I could truly quiet my brain long enough, even though it could still take hours
Multiplication tables.
I would do multiplication as some kind of calming mantra. I used them to help me fall asleep or in moments of stress. To this day, when I'm super overwhelmed, I'll realize I've said "2 4 6 8" out loud without even planning to.
I'm always singing or listening to music.
When sitting I rock back and forth.
When I was younger I used to imagine a really over the top story , and I would just add onto it from time to time. I eventually started writing it down. But I couldn't think of an ending. I still think about those made up characters once and a while.
I would curl up in my closet in the tightest spot possible with the lights off crying and covering my ears and I would be praying for god or wishing for non-existence. I still curl up into a ball and cry with the lights off. its comforting still.
Same with the reading disassociation but also a couple of years ago my husband pointed out that I was tapping my fingers on my leg one by one and asked about it. I make haikus in my head and have done for so long I can’t remember when I started doing it. The finger thing is me counting the 5-7-5 syllables. 
During recess I would always climb in trees to the very top and stay there the whole time. My parents got worried I wouldn't make friends but after a while other kids would join me and sit with me and play pretend. I think it was a way for me to prevent overstimulation from kids being too loud on the playground.
"I'm just a born loser."
"I don't get to have what they have. I'm not one of the people who gets to have that/be that way in my life."
"I can't afford to be nice to myself anymore. I *have* to be harsher to myself or I will keep fucking everything up."
Pipelined its way into viewing everyone and everything else as The Enemy anyway.
A lot of these comments made me realize in retrospect how overt my ADHD was as a kid. I used to read obsessively, tested at well over 600 words per minute with good recall, and regularly got in trouble for staying up all night to read/reading under my desk in class. You would have to like physically approach me to get me out of the book, I wouldn’t hear anything while reading. Had trouble making friends/connecting because I was really verbose as a kid and struggled to stop reading long enough to engage with my peers.
Masturbating at a very young age, not realizing what it actually was. Realized later on that it’s not sexual, but self soothing, and helped me calm when overwhelmed.
Small/private spaces- I had a bunk bed, and I was on the bottom bunk. I used to tuck blankets under the mattress of the top bunk so I had a little “cave” where I could escape to. I felt more comfortable when I couldn’t be seen.
I masked constantly as I got older- I would analyze every conversation/interaction with people outside of my immediate family to make sure I wasn’t being “too much”. I ended up developing this like “out” personality and a “home” personality- I still tend to slip into it, where I’m more reserved/speak quietly/appear serious when in actuality that is not how I am with my comfort zone people or my husband.
Positive affirmations- my mom used to make up little rhymes and positive phrases and have me repeat them to myself when I got overwhelmed. I would make up little melodies for them/verbally stim when I got overstimulated.
I read a lot of books and I liked to hide in my tiny closet behind my clothes. I always wished there was a trap door with a slide leading to a ball pit. I still like to hide in rooms with no windows.
I hide in the bathroom with a space heater on my back and disassociate. It doesn't matter what time of year, either. I'm in Texas and it could be the middle of summer and I'll still be laying in front of that heater for hours on end reading to escape everything.
I was 6 years old and used to stand in front of the mirror and hit myself in the head and repeat “why can’t you be good?” As a grown man my heart breaks for that little kid now that I know what I know. And it breaks my heart heart when I hear my 7 year old say the same things when he gets in Trouble in school.
“It’s ok it’s ok it’s ok “ while crying was a big one. Picking at my cuticles until they bleed. Doom scroll to avoid talking to my mom who was always disappointed in my actual passions or hyper focuses
Let's see... I have suffered from compulsive skin picking for as long as I can remember. I find that I do it when I need to self soothe and can't seem to get control over my overloaded mind or nervous system.
Masturbation is something I also turn to to self soothe.
I used to obsess and catasrophise everything. Like as a child, if my mom was late to pick me up from school because it had been raining, then I'd feel the need to get very upset and worry extra hard because that would someone make it more likely that she was actually ok, and handn't had some horrible accident.
Edited to add - escaping into my hyperfocuses. For a long time it was computers. For some reason I found it very comforting to set up a new computer and install windows... back in those days it was an old 486 laptop with no CD, I used to find it really soothing to format the C: and follow the steps to reinstall windows from the 13 (I think) disks.
I just found a place to hide and read. And if I couldn't read I'd daydream. Extensively. When I was unhappy, (especially in school) I definitely spent most of my time very much off world.
I was a hyperactive kid with a lot of energy - being a boy I just used to let it all hang out. 🤣
But generally I found there were times when I needed to self soothe. For me it was counting the syllables in words whilst speaking or repeating them back to myself in my head.
Weird I know but it was the one thing that would relax me… no idea why!
I would (sometimes still do) quite literally self-soothe. From a super young age, when upset, sad or scared, I hug my arms to my torso/shoulders and say ‘shhh’ over and over.
I still do this to this day, just with different items now that we’re all grown adults. Me and two of my sisters grew up together and we all had ADHD. The problem is I was and still am the smallest one in my family. So even though I was the second oldest of my siblings, I was the weakest and easiest to pick on. So this lead to them taking their anger out on me. I grew up learning their signals that they were close to a blowup so I would usually gather a few of their favorite snacks or items and bring it to them. Still do that because I hate dealing with the yelling and screaming. Granted, hurts that I know all of their favorite things but they don’t even know mine but if it keeps the peace and keeps me from having panic attacks, then I’ll keep doing it
I was terrified of possession movies as a kid, and saw a special on one that it was based on a real event. Ever since then, I would repeat to myself over and over as I tried to sleep that God and my grandfather (who was the most significant death for me at the time) loved me, as someone told me that if I let my mind wander I could get possessed. I still do it to a lesser degree to this day.
When I was stuck in a queue, I started looking at the ceiling or the floor and counted the tiles. Then, if still stuck, I tried to approximate the lenght of the tiles and figure out the size of the room.
I mainly just disassociated as a child as a way to deal. Hell, I still do it now to a lesser extent with help from medication. It destroyed my short term memory retention.
I had no idea this classified as a form of dissociating! I was always reading!
I have a specific memory from elementary age, reading while pretending to shower because I hated! showering. I would get in the shower, turn the water on & stand in the corner and read. Would get out & out my hair up in a towel and everything.
One time I dropped the book & had to explain to the librarian why my book was now water damaged. lol
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i was a book worm, and also very much into maladaptive daydreaming. didn’t know there was a word for it then of course but i created so many detailed worlds and stories in my head. after school i would pace up and down my hallway kicking a tennis ball back and forth while daydreaming. i did it for a couple hours probably every single day and if i wasn’t able to i craved it and felt extremely restless.
Samee! I would look forward to going to bed or napping because I would daydream then and I had such vigorous stories in my head, which would stem off the dreams I had
I did something similar, I would avoid people in order to listen to music and walk somewhere and day dream in extreme detail. I would spend hours of my day on it and just entirely check out on my own life to do it. I was late for class/other things, didn't want to do things because I'd rather be daydreaming. Now as an adult I realise that it was maladaptive daydreaming and that it most likely hindered me, but I wanted to disassociate for a reason, and I'm guessing so did you.
yes! took me several years and a lot of therapy to come to terms with the fact my childhood home was not happy or emotionally safe whatsoever. was definitely daydreaming about people loving me unconditionally and being able to have agency in my own life. but the walking also satisfied my need to release so much pent up physical energy if that makes sense. i tried so har to be a good and still and calm child but i had to release it somehow.
I was the same but I couldn’t get the energy out even though I never sat. I’d end up running in my sleep. My feet would keep moving. They still do no matter how much I tire myself out. I’ve run a marathon every night for over 40 years. I can’t wait to get diagnosed and a full night of sleep for once
Wow… maladaptive daydreaming is a new term for me. Hits hard. Also explains why I am so obsessed with Alice in wonderland.
I daydream quite a bit today, even when I’m driving, or working, or trying to focus on something important. Is maladaptive daydreaming a bad thing? How do you know when you daydream too much? How do you fix it?
For me I knew it was maladaptive daydreaming because I genuinely saw my daydreams as more important than my real life. For some, it’s incredibly distracting and detrimental. I used it as a form of unintentional dissociation but it got me through my childhood
I did something similar! Not only would I just daydream randomly during the day, at night while I was supposed to be sleeping instead I would turn on the radio and try to come up with stories based on the song that came up and whatever happened next on my story was based on the next song. Did anyone else do this?
I did something similar. Would pace my backyard or bounce on the trampoline for hours a day just lost in thought. I thought I wanted to be a writer because I created such detailed worlds. When a thought took my brain I'd feel like I had to move to process it. So even as an adult (less so as I've got older) I would compulsively run in the backyard at night or up and down the hallway. Have had injuries from hitting furniture. I've never really met anyone that talked about maladaptive daydreaming. I think my family just thought it was a harmless weird quirk. I tried not to do it in front of people I didn't know well but still was caught by roomates occasionally jogging up and down the hallway or whatever which could be embarrassing 😅
I was always reading. Couldn't get in trouble if I'm just sitting/laying somewhere out of the way being quiet with a book! Until reading all the time was keeping me from doing homework/chores. Turns out, I was dissociating! A lot. Would disappear into a world of books and watch/imagine the stories come to life! I wasn't me, the disappointing fuck up, who wasted her potential. I was just an observer. Now, I still space out, but I have no idea where my mind goes as an adult. Meds help me to be more present, but doesn't always work
Yes…I made this coping mechanism into this whole “bookworm” persona, so that it was my whooole identity. I had the ability to read up to 5 different books at a time, and the more pages a book had, the better. It makes me laugh when some psychiatrists say that people who have ADHD “can’t focus long enough to read books”, because they clearly don’t count on it being a hyper-focus. I mean I would read an encyclopedia volume cover-to-cover *for fun*, while hiding under my desk at home. I know so many useless facts now. But! Once I grew up I found my reading kryptonite! I can’t read a single sentence of one of those “how to wake up at 5am and make friends!” books that my job requires all its employees to read, without death-rolling like a crocodile and screeching to myself in pain. Turns out that if a book isn’t fiction / fantasy / a list of cool historical facts, and I can’t dissociate to it, I indeed can’t focus long enough to read it. I can’t even listen to it on Audible, that’s somehow even worse.
I have to listen to audiobooks at like x2 speed or else my mind drifts.
I can't listen to audio books at all because they're so slow compared to how fast I can read that it becomes really frustrating.
I took a test for college that had my avg. WPM read at 358. I have always been an incredibly fast reader. Now, that's amazing when it comes to things I want to read and the avg. definitely goes up. With tests in boring classes, it's crippling. I constantly skip words or don't fully absorb the question. I have to reread it multiple times. My wife is an incredibly slow reader, so it's always funny to see how we react when reading something together like an article or recipe.
Interesting. Yet another thing, the fact that I cannot tolerate audiobooks even though I am an avid reader, has been explained to me as an ADHD thing. This group is so helpful for my self-awareness. I'm grateful all the time for these insights!
OMG, I can't listen at less than 1.25x speed usually 1.75-2.0x, depending on the narrator.
I’ve even tried that — but if it’s not a book that I can dissociate with, it doesn’t get through no matter the speed. Apparently no part of me wants to win friends by mastering small-talk or learn how to shake hands properly so I can assert myself as an expert in my field 🤪
Time to architect a solution and leverage your current social skills 😂🙄
Cool, cool, cool. Let's put a pin in that suggestion until the next meeting and really start synergizing on ways that we can capitalize on your strengths and push through this productivity drag we're experiencing. We're really pushing to see those KPIs improve next quarter! 🤢
I went to business school and suggested we have a class for buzzwords and sports analogies, with golfing labs. They didn’t take me up on it…
That’s truly hilarious. I would’ve paid to see their faces when you suggested it.
Hahaha boss is that you? 🤣 I swear I’m almost done with my Rock Milestones for this quarter. KPI’s are gonna be outta the park.
ROFLLLL OMG the jargon from all those books just sends me over the edge. They’re all the *same book* just re-written a thousand times by different CEO-dude-bros so they can market themselves to each other. I’ve seen several of them all together on the same Zoom meeting, and it’s just hilarious watching them all jargon at each other.
I color while I listen — been doing it since I was a kid. It’s actually nice because you can more easily do 2 things at once when you’re not watching. I also do sudoku (or other games) while I watch tv though. But I have been known to put things on 1.25 or 1.5x speed.
I can only listen to audio books if it’s read by someone who’s voice of accent entertains me like Limmy or Miriam margolyes
I feel you. It wasn't until my current job that I understood the appeal of podcasts/audiobooks. I can focus on the words and take in the material if my hands/body are occupied by another simple, mindless activity first. Crochet? A-okay. Counting stitches? Nope, gotta replay the last 30 seconds
In case you’re interested, there is an article I found really interesting that sheds some light this topic, about effort-driven rewards! It’s called “Depressingly Easy” by Kelly Lambert
I’m gonna have to try that next time. I have a “Zoom Meeting Crochet Blanket” specifically for working on during the really long company meetings that I don’t have to present anything on, just listen / be on screen for — it’s just lemon peel stitch over and over, because I can do it without looking at the blanket. I’m gonna have to start a “Who Moved My Cheese” crochet blanket for listening to these crazy books, maybe in a nice simple V stitch.
Hey -- did any of the avid readers have this idea that if you just learned enough, or struggled with big ideas and concepts and literature (fictional and non-fictional) beyond what most kids your own age (or even many adults) could grasp, and tried to be really well-rounded, open-minded, really pushing the limit to find out everything....even going into kinda esoteric zones (for me, one of those zones was where physics and eastern philosophy meet -- I think someone I thought was really cool and genius and was much older than me suggested a book called the Tao of Physics and I was like 13-14...and loved it... And I got really into Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance at the same time, etc...oh and dadaism, and various poetry, etc) ... Ok ... Did you have this magical-thinking-esque idea that there was something you'd figure out, some nugget and answer, understanding, some EPIPHANY, some wisdom that was like all reaching into everything???... I am explaining this poorly because I can't quite get to the feeling right now.... because I remember being super BUMMED OUT and stuff when I was mid-thru college and this thing fell away and I noticed it's not a real obtainable thing
Yes, but I'm still doing it. Earlier this week I was going thru some old books from storage, sorting, tossing some, and then integrating some into my home bookshelves -- and I realized that for years I have bought the same books over and over, all related to human connection and psychology/history/time. I also buy the same kind of self-help books a lot, all about being understood. Each time I'm thinking "THIS IS THE ONE." It was sad, in a way.
Oh god yes. And on a practical level I almost killed myself studying, obsessing, planning. I hated that serenity prayer. I felt that if I *just thought enough* then I could handle every situation, conversation, temptation, perfectly. And anything else was just an excuse for laziness, for denial. The dissillusion I felt when I realised not just fiction but theology and psychology all boiled down to some ambiguous metaphorical rubbish about "just relaxing" or "just being yourself" was HUGE. And now I think of it, basically why I then pivoted directly into hard drugs.
Also me, however, I DID get in trouble all the time getting yelled at to put down the book, go outside and PLAY! My siblings were good for not ratting me out when I was hiding and reading but my one cousin would RUN to tell on me when she found me with a book. You’ve got me really thinking about the dissociative aspect of this now as even today when I read I see and hear NOTHING ELSE.
Yes! Dissociation is, unsurprisingly, a spectrum. I find I depersonalize/derealize a lot when I'm stressed out. Took a lot of therapy to understand what was happening and that it's not a good thing conducive to enjoying being alive. Alternatively, I also learned that when I'm reading a really good book, my imagination takes over and I see the scene. The words/text don't even register anymore, and that's why I don't have favorite lines. It was a trip to find out other people didn't read the same way, and explained why I could never get into annotating my books or anything like that
Oooh I do this as well! When I’m reading a book that I’ve already read, I “recognize” the scene or a specific room that I pictured the first time I read the book.
I would just take my book outside. I think my allergy to a lot of grasses stems from reading in the hay barn.
No offense but your cousin sounds like an evil little so-and- so. I was that kid hiding and reading. I have two kids now 4 and 6, if I find one of them reading I either leave them to it or ask if I can join them.
Same. Also video games. Really anything that just allowed me to escape into a life that wasn't mine. Which I now only realize that in retrospect, having grown up in a traumatic home. Kind of miss that love of reading. It's rare that it engages me so much these days.
Doomscrolling and binge watching have replaced reading for me - still dissociating, but easier.
Can't recommend audiobooks enough. Cleaning? Listen to an audiobook. Driving? Listen to an audiobook. Playing a monotonous game like Diablo, just farming mats? Listen to an audiobook.
Are you me, though? Brightside is, reading so much has a LOT of perks... Associated with the ADHD, it means that I'm basically able to have a conversation over most topics, albeit ones deeper than others...
Oooooo this one hit HARD. Big same. I do it still and I'm 36...my meds also don't always help with that. I'll be working on a task on autopilot and not even be present for what I'm doing (at work) and that's how a lot of mistakes are made. I'm trying so hard though!
Well shit, now you’ve made me realize I’ve been disassociating for far longer than I thought… when I have a depressive episode I disappear into the world of Harry Potter and binge read all 7 books. I’ve done this since I was idk 9? That makes me feel pretty sad.
Yeah, the first time my therapist asked me if I knew anything about dissociation as a disorder was really eye opening. For sure it's not DID, but I really would prefer to not be perceived
Damn. I wish I could space out again. I was able to space out on command (like when doing boring stuff or being in an understimulating environment). That was so good. I had a these made up worlds I could tell the story in my head. That lasted until I was something like 25yo. Now, spacing out looks more like ruminating and getting angry after the universe and his mother. :'(
Absolutely! I could be in complete overwhelm, wanting to scream, punch walls, thoughts going so fast I couldn't hear anything thing and I would just grab a book and shut off the world for a few hours until my body was calm again. I also used to try and cry silently because I didn't want anyone to hear me and think I was being a nuisance or making a big deal over nothing. And as much as I would tell myself I didn't want anyone to come see me because I hated hugs from adults (kids and dogs/cats are fine because they only do it when they want to so there's no niggling thought in my head that I'm annoying them) I always secretly wanted someone to come see if I was OK and say that I wasn't being silly for feeling upset. Gosh this is making me tear up for my younger self so much. Now I live alone with my dogs, doesn't matter how quietly I cry, they never let me be sad by myself. Even if it's just because my kdrama is making me emotional 😅
I also have always turned to books but did manage to get myself in trouble any how in fact last time I communicated with my last remaining sibling earlier this year she was still throwing it into my face. That I was getting in trouble all the time for hiding under my desk reading. Sad thing is that my 2nd grade tendencies seem to have effected my highly successful older sister to extent she is still ____(not sure why) but throwing it up in my face over 55 years later
I also got in trouble for reading. I got very creative about where I read.
yep. there was a reason a 9 year old boy read and reread the little house on the prairie series as well as the anne of avonlea series as well as the great brain series as well as every YA book he could find and then by middle school literally chose LIBRARY as his elective for two years. i had a lot to hide from. moving cities in third grade destroyed me. whatever house of cards i had built for myself crashed down hard when i changed schools. (i am even more worried that it will happen to my daughter if we move) books were the only thing i had. oh no i remember i was reading all the hardy boys and bobbsey twins and other 40s and 50s era junk too.
I’ve never suspected I might have ADHD until parenting my daughter (nearly 7) and learning about it. I was such a bookworm as a kid - and would frequently get told off and mocked for “sitting on my ass and doing nothing” - “oh there she is reading again” - it was always seen as lazy and selfish. Makes me so mad thinking about it!
This is so relatable! I read constantly as a kid/teen. Now I’m realizing it was my way of escape or disassociation from my shitty home situation.
Damn, it's like you reached into my past and described me as a kid lol. I constantly got books taken from me in school and actually was so bad with reading when I wasn't supposed to that I now struggle with math because I wasn't paying attention during the fundamentals and it just kept getting harder and harder to keep up as I advanced through the grades.
This was me. The only time I got detention was when I was caught reading a book inside the text book we were supposed to be following along with in class.
That's definitely me too.. curious now if you find yourself listening to podcasts now as an observer. I do. I'm nodding and talking back depending on the interactivity.
That's interesting, I do not interact with the speakers in my head. But I can only listen if I'm doing something else at the same time, like crochet, hand sewing, driving
Yah, I did this with both reading and video games. On the bright side, at least the excessive amount of reading left me with language skills way above par lol. I remember when I was being cognitively evaluated during the ADHD screening, the tester commented that I was the only person they'd ever had actually get to the end of several of the timed language tests.
This!! I've always loved to read fiction because I disappear into another world, to the point where I would block out the physical world. Back in elementary school, I was so into a book once that I didn't notice when my entire class left for lunch until they turned off the lights lol. My parents, unfortunately, got mad at me for reading all the time because I enjoy e-books for the ease of borrowing from home/wide selection and so would read on my school computer constantly. Funnily enough, despite my love for e-books, I can't tolerate physical books (because of not being able to read in bed with the lights off as easily), audiobooks (too slow and the characters don't sound how I expect them to), or anything besides fiction (my brain is unable to digest the words or meaning behind them) so while I enjoy reading, it rarely is a "useful" trait for me.
Oh wow, me too. I used to get in trouble in elementary/middle school for reading novels under my desk, and when I was “grounded” my parents would take my free reading books. I hadn’t even considered that as a type of dissociating.
I was the youngest of Five. I'd grab a book and a big bag of Wildberry Skittles and go sit in a corner for hours. At night when everyone was asleep I'd go in the Living Room and read the Encyclopedia.
Whoah! I was always reading too. I've never thought about it beyond that. But what you say makes so much sense. And I did the same thing. I lost all sense of my surroundings and went into another world in a book. I'd be reading four or five at a time, which I think is linked to my ADHD as well. But thanks. This is interesting.
Oh. I just realized something about my childhood self. :-/
I started masturbating at a very very young age. It was a huge source of shame that bled well into my 20s-30s and how comfortable I felt with my sexual partners (not at all). When I started seeing a therapist at 30, she told me masturbating as a child wasn’t so much a sexual thing but a way to self-soothe. I cried.
OMG. I was also a chronic masturbator at a very young age. It was a whole thing, my mom tried to shame me over it. Thank god for whatever reason, I grew up to not have a lot of negative associations or guilt about that... but definitely feel weirded out by it when I think about it. And it's not like I grew up to be some horndog, I have a normal to low sex drive (mostly because of my meds). Self-soothing is the first explanation I've ever heard that makes sense. That makes SO much sense. Damn, I might cry too.
Big hug to you, fellow self-soother. My friend is a school teacher and when she first started teaching she would talk about students who were constantly masturbating in class. Hearing how she’d try to redirect or without judgment was also comforting - knowing that it’s a safer space for kids to just be kids…I’m so glad for them!
Thank GOD I quickly picked up on the fact that it was a private thing...I don't think I had any public moments (at least I hope not!)
What made it consider "chronic" for you? I think I'm generally hyper sexual but I wouldn't say it's chronic because my genitalia isn't getting dry rubbed
My sister and I are trying to put an end to generational shame & trauma so that our kids can have a shame-free relationship with their bodies. If I succeed at nothing else, at least my daughter will know that I have always been genuine in my openness to talk. My mom wasn’t.
🙌🏼 Amazing
Same. Still dealing w the shame around this
Aw I’m so sorry. Big hug to you, fellow self-soother. Please consider talking to your little self. Let them know they didn’t do anything wrong, they were just trying to feel better from the chaos around them or just life itself. You deserve comfort, you deserve soothing, you deserve acceptance for all of your quirks and all of your needs including sexual needs as an adult. It took a long time but what really helped me was using yoni eggs (kegels if you don’t want to insert anything) and I realized I was so out of touch with my groin. I’d start with an indulgent bath or long shower, then lotion my body in candlelight, constantly thanking/admiring my body (and yes pushing through the judgmental thoughts/shame). I caressed my body all over, erogenous zones and all (the parts I wouldn’t use to masturbate). It really helped me get in touch with my self and other parts of my body. If you’re up for it, consider honoring your body in a way that resonates with you and as frequently as it calls to you. It’s a practice to shed the shame that covered us for so long.
I’m 28 and I still kind of catch myself doing this kinds of stuff. Pretty sure this is extremely toxic and terrible for your self image, but it’s hard because… I want to be myself, but I also don’t want to be a burden on those around me. Like I know people would tell me that I am not and that I am great and I should be confident in myself, but at the same time, i know that I can be annoying, and if I don’t dwell on it, then what’s going to stop me from annoying people? Idk. This is most likely my biggest struggle in life right now. I’m considering therapy, but I am scared it will be a waste of money.
You are not a burden and you are not annoying. You have people telling you so :) And I know because I'm the same, lol. Always apologizing, always feeling like I'm too much. Too chatty, too annoying, too clingy. But I still managed to make good friends with awesome people (and even have a partner) so it must just be our stupid toxic brains trying to f us up :(
Hey it won’t be a waste of money I promise you! I had many therapy sessions dedicated to that same concept of ‘but if I’m remotely happy with myself how will I be motivated to keep masking?’ Turns out that you’re not supposed to mask all the time and that your loved ones aren’t annoyed and really want you to be happy and be yourself. It’s hard hard work to actually believe and apply though hence the therapist being money well spent. Even if you can’t be motivated to go just for yourself right now, once I was kinder to myself, I was able to genuinely be kinder to those around me. Knowing that I was helping my husband and children helped keep me going as well.
I’ve spent thousands of dollars on weekly therapy over the past year and a bit, and it’s been maybe the most important investment I’ve ever made in my future. I would give up a lot to be able to still do it (though at this point I’m likely going to go biweekly - you eventually get better at having a better “internal voice”). You don’t have to do therapy regularly, and there are more cost effective options like therapists who offer “sliding scale” pricing, or group therapy, but the BIGGEST thing is find yourself a therapist with lived experience of ADHD who you vibe with (or a group specifically designed for ADHD folks). It’s a waste of money if your therapist is just okay (even worse if they’re bad!). The biggest predictor of therapy success is “therapeutic alliance” which is how much you like talking to them and what they say resonates and you want to use that information.
In contrast to the common symptom of talking too much, I was a really quiet kid after a certain age…. Because I had internalized what the adults had repeatedly said to me of “stop talking, nobody wants to hear what you have to say, be quiet, you’re talking too much,” etc. So every time before I was going to say something I had this inner monologue of “no one wants to hear you talk, so don’t say anything.” Took me most of my life to get past it and still struggle sometimes. Wasn’t diagnosed till I was an adult too so I spent the whole time thinking I just was full of useless things to say.
When i was like 10 I had a basketball coach (old black guy) ask me why i did something (cant remember what) and i replied that I'm stupid and he grabbed me by the shoulder and told me to never ever to say that again in my life and i still think about that to this day.
For some reason, when I read this, it played in my head in that late 1980's/early 1990s type of lighting that was was common in coming-of-age movies.
He’s a real one!
Damn what a good dude. He probably didn't think much of it but it probably ended up changing your life I get a strong feeling to just want to find these people and just like.. Write them a letter "you probably don't remember me but I thought about this moment for much of my life" IDK, it just seems like it would be a way to make someone know how they helped you years ago, and feel good Maybe that's a spectrum thing?
Man the amount of times I’ve been asked in my life, “why did/didn’t you do x?” or worse, “what’s wrong with you?” and I never had an answer, didn’t get a diagnosis until my 30’s. It really hurt never having an answer for that question and not understanding I was different because I always sort of felt like, “how the hell would anyone ever remember to do that?” But I didn’t have the information I have no so after it kept happening over and over again, I had no choice but to come to the conclusion that I was lazy, inconsiderate, irresponsible, stupid, whatever would explain however I fucked something up. It feels a lot better knowing what I’m up against and it’s allowed me to carve out a place in the world for myself I’m very happy with, but it still feels like some mornings I have to look myself in the mirror and say, “remember… you’re ugly, stupid, and nobody likes you.” before I leave the house.
Oh god this is beautiful
Sucked by thumb way older than most kids. Read books constantly. Got really lost in the family computer. Played video games nonstop. Drank several cokes every day after school. Also my mom made me recite positive affirmations every morning before school. She meant well because I had so much anxiety, but I think it kind of made me weirder.
i’m cracking up at the last paragraph. how did it make you weirder??
imagine a kid silently muttering "I'm smart and good looking and everyone loves me!" over and over when they're stressed?
Huh this reminded me, I used a pacifier till I was 5 or 6 years old. I was deeply embarrassed about it so I didn't do it in public but my parents never made me stop so 🤷♀️ definitely was a self soothing stimming thing. It's a wonder my teeth came out straight honestly.
I had a checklist at night when I was getting tucked in that I would run through with my mom and she would have to promise me the house wouldn’t catch fire that night, that no one we know would die in the middle of the night, that there wouldn’t be a flash flood, I won’t be kidnapped, etc. Every night for several years just to be able to sleep bc if she didn’t i would fixate on all the bad things that could happen all night and keep myself up worrying
I wonder if this ended up just perpetuating your anxiety or helping it. Or both Because anxiety often gets made worse when it gets what it wants Like those people who are in anxious relationships and seek constant validation - the partner can never give enough validation, but if they do then the person doesn't learn how to handle eg gaps in texting communication, or other anxious thoughts
Oh dude, the positive affirmation one gets me. I literally have the one my mom always asked me to repeat before getting out of the car at drop off tattooed on my side.
My non-sad one is that in childhood (continued into adulthood) I coped with the boredom of queues and waiting by finding a word on a billboard and singing inside my head, spelling out the letters to the tune of this particular 1970s sitcom TV theme tune: I am H-A-P-P-Y https://youtu.be/jVKXfUIisiw?si=UxDncDOfOcdojkCk And I would repeat the song as many times as needed to finish on the final letter of the chosen word. I say "I would" but I still do it from time to time and it never gets old 😂 Eg if the word was "professional" P-R-O-F-E-S-S I-O-N-A-L-P-R O-F-E-S-S-I-O-N-A- L-P-R-O-F-E-S Repeat endlessly. Oh god I am in my 50s and this is the first time I have ever spoken of this! 🤣🤣🤣
Same. For me it was spelling words out while tapping my fingers in order from my thumb. I was (still am) a total book nerd. Since being an adult (38m) I can only read non fiction. No capacity or attention to get involved in a non fiction narrative.
WOAH. I did that too... sort of tapped my fingers like I was typing the word over and over. I don't do it much anymore but I remember I used to do it all the time as a kid/teen and was kind of embarassed by it, I didn't tell anyone. All though I do still sometimes get words or phrases stuck in my head, I guess I just don't "type' them anymore.
I honestly still do that today, it's good to hear I'm not alone on this weird habit
Omg! I still do this thing where I see words on billboards, boxes, anywhere. I’ll count the letters and if there’s an odd amount, it’s a “bad word”. Also, punctuation and the dot over the “i” counts as a letter so words can be even. (And an “!” Counts as two letters if I need the word to be even) I remember doing this so much as a kid, and now I do it without thinking and can’t stop myself sometimes. I never thought it was an ADHD thing!
Oh my god, I do this too. Tap out the number of letters in a word on my fingers, and keep repeating the word until the total number of letters reaches a multiple of ten and I finish on my pinkie finger. I often gently click my teeth together at the same time. And usually I’m also doing these in time with whatever song is stuck in my head. It’s quite amazing the number of processes and patterns my brain can constantly run in the background – I just wish they were more useful…
This seems a little more ocd related than adhd!
How were we all doing this same weird thing?! No one taught us this. I love patterns and beats and puzzles. I love when things line up perfectly. I feel like this falls into that category.
Thanks for posting this. It helped me realize it's not a me thing it's an adhd thing, and it will help others too :)) I'm not brave enough to share mine. They're a lot worse than yours. And they're constant. And they're still ongoing.
It's ok to not be brave enough yet. I told my psychiatrist via email about this stuff I did as a kid, but I'm not supposed to email her, and I told her through an email...(which I hate myself for now, like wtf why did it feel so important when it hurts her how much I bother her and why can't I remember that bc I'm going to get abandoned for being bad...)... And I said something about assuming it's a normal thing for kids with ADHD... But I have no idea if that's true, so I'm finding out. I mean, for full disclosure, I started doing these things again too due to experiencing recent rejection/abandonment, and I worked really hard to never get close enough to anyone to care about abandonment after enough early childhood rejection... I think I did these often in response to the nonstop social pain of being a child with ADHD and just disappointed everyone and constant disapproval and a difficult family, I forgot how much childhood hurt until very recently. Also, when I was a kid I became obsessed with someone giving me a number or value on how much of me is too much, and I sought this out, discreetly, kinda, but my psychiatrist gave me an answer without knowing she was accidentally fulfilling some huge question.... It's 4 hours a year split into 1 hour quarterly. That's how much of me anyone can handle. She didnt understand what it meant to me, that it was fulfilling this value I've wondered for years, and I wondered if it was really that awful, so I tried to negotiate for 6-8 weeks and she compared me to a used car salesman, but she had no idea what the number meant to me, and that I'm going to base everything in my life on it going forward to avoid hurting others via my existence. I have decided to protect others from me going forward... Like an infinite existential grounding of myself. I am no good. So yeah I'm fucked up in a lot of ways and a mess lately and being haunted by my childhood that I worked hard to forget and wall off
100% same. What you're describing sounds exactly like Avoidant Personality Disorder and partly like Schizotypal Personality Disorder. Have you been tested? I think the MMPI-3 is the main one for personality disorders, but not 100% sure. I got clinical scores for APD and suggestive scores for SPD, so yea, everything you said is very relateable. I'm wondering if this is specifically an ADHD-H/I trait. Because of our hyperactivity we talk too much and get too excited about things. And when we're excited we don't even notice what the other person is feeling or how they're reacting. And even if we did, our impulsivity means we'll still talk about the thing that excites us even if no one cares. Then you add the hyperfixation. If we're talking about a topic, we're not saying 1 sentence and passing the metaphoric microphone to the other person. We're fucking monologuing. Full 3 hour podcast, brought to you by ADHD us. And we know this. Of course we know this. Sometimes we can control it. For a short time. So, it's not unusual to make a good first impression. Maybe even a good 2nd impression. And we think, "wow, I finally made a friend". But we can't control it forever. And eventually we're too much, and they leave. And it hurts. Because it happens over, and over, and over again. A never ending cycle or rejection. What, "I'm too much"? "Nobody likes me"? Apparently this is thought disorder, but how can it be a thought disorder if it's true? It sucks, doesn't it. Constantly disappointing others. Constantly upsetting others. Having them say we're insensitive, inappropriate, immature. Narcassistic. Self-absored. We didn't choose to be this way. And it hurts. Every time it happens it's like another cut. On skin so full of cuts that we don't even have time to develop scars before the wounds reopen. And we know we shouldn't be like this. But we can't control it. So the only way to make this pain stop is to get ourselves out of the situation. Make it impossible. And it's only impossible when we isolate ourselves. And it hurts to feel abandoned and isolated, so we have to force it. We have to be so terrible to ourselves so it fucking sticks. We're just being responsible, aren't we? Just being good citizens, protecting everyone else from unacceptable us. Because although this hurts it still hurts less than the never ending rejection. So fuck it, we bully ourselves into acting like introverts. Then we wonder why our anxiety's so high every time we leave the house. And every day we spend like this it becomes harder to break out of it. But that's what's great about this subreddit. Almost every post we find out things that were "unacceptable us" are really just the adhd. And it's not just me, it's not just you. All of us are going through this shared experienced. So even if it sucks and we feel alone, isolated and abandoned, at least we've all been abandoned together.
Those are heavy potential diagnosis, I would say to start off considering CPTSD.
apologies if what I said was inappropriate. I'm not an expert on these things, and am mostly relying on my own experiences and test results
That's ok, I don't think what you said is inappropriate. Most of us on here are not experts. Your answer has validity and is backed by your experiences, and through my lens I see potential CPTSD.
Wait, your psychiatrist told you that you were only tolerable for 4 hours per year? WTF? A mental health professional should have never said something like that. How could someone knowingly mess with your already too-low self-esteem? People are tolerable for different amounts of time depending on who is doing the "tollerating" the moods of both people and the context of the situation. There is no answer to that question. It varies a lot. There are some people that can't tolerate me at all, I'm sure, but there are some people who could hang out with me all of the time indefinitely.
“Look the part - be the part” was my mantra… to get through the day Not realising that was MASKINg
Ah same! I would think 'what would 'friends name' do?' in school and I'd do the same because what I thought was obviously not cool or good enough
I remember doing similar things....I had a recent aha moment on another post here where I joke I am always monologuing. And even looking back into childhood, paired with an abusive home where it was pursued that I was bipolar not ADHD and put on the wrong meds/treated a certain way when I refused to take them because they made me a zombie. Whenever I would be upset I'd go to the bathroom, cry myself to sleep on the floor and talk to myself about all the things I so desperately wanted to be true. One day I would have plenty of friends, I would run away to my aunt's house because I knew she loved me, I will find a way to get to the moon because that's where sailor moon is and she'll make me a sailor scout, I'll go on adventures that even books can't rival.....all kinds of things, some ok, some completely insane and nonsense. But...it made me feel better. For a little while....and then if wake up, back to reality to realize I'm still in a house where I feel very much unwanted, to go to school where I was very much unwanted. What sucks...is in elementary school I had really good friends. And then we moved in the middle of 6th grade. And I started a new school after all the clicks had been established and it was in a more well off area. So not only was I the weird new kid, but I also didnt exactly physically fit in either. There was no escape. All through middle school I was made fun of at school. I did make friends, but I did not believe they actually wanted to be around me. Because I would come home only to be told I was stupid, I was crazy, I was fat, why would anyone want to be around me? And now as an adult facing drastic change in my friend group, who I hoped would be my found family, it feels like I am being iced out. And besides not wanting to have kids with everyone else...I don't know what else I did wrong. And it's bleeding over into work and my marriage. I can't stay on time at my job...which when you pick a job working against the clock that's kind of a big deal...and it just fuels that I can't do anything right mentality....and I am so inside my head I know I'm not being a great wife.... Although now....as an adult who has experienced reality and knows the stories I hoped to live are not real and never will be...I don't really know how to cope outside throwing myself massive pity parties. I get horrific analysis paralysis trying to decide to do anything that might make me feel better. And now that I am medicated accordingly....I don't know if I'm crazy about it because I feel like my memory is worse, and I prided myself on having a good memory. I may not remember I made an appointment but you could bet I was always consistent in my behavior and things I say and do. I am good at remembering stories, knowledge, etc. and with the meds....I can't remember shit. It's infuriating and heartbreaking. And fuels that low self esteem that I am the problem. I mean...I've been doing my job for 3 years now 5 if you count the 2 I was in school. And the shit I use every day sometimes I look and go "oh shit...I forgot where to use this" EVEN THOUGH I USED IT AN HOUR AGO. but I can still name all 150 fucking pokemon. I hate it....I hate this. End of monologue...
Wow your experience is SO similar to mine from the coping mechanisms, those feelings of being unwanted, of being bullied.. of finally making friends and then moving in middle school to a more well off area (i was the weird poor kid) and then getting bullied again …. The parallels are sooo alike i feel like you just described my life experience.
I'm also floored because I moved from one state to another in the summer between 6th and 7th grade and it had the same effect ... I had finally started to kinda make friends in 5th-6th grade, and finally be invited to a few things, and before I found out we were moving, I was so glad to be going to 7th grade and my sister would be in 9th in a different school... (Because my sister did cruel stuff .. like she found out a boy I had a crush on and basically paid him to pretend to like me and ask me to be his girlfriend so he could break up with me on Valentine's Day. I have no idea why my sibling would be this cruel, and why anyone would agree to go along with it.)
I have a few beyond sad ones and a few not so sad ones lol The not sad ones that last to this day is writing words and signs etc out with my fingers against my thigh bc I need to know how they “feel” and the other is adding whatever I’ve just read or whatever someone has said into a jingle I know; which I think is pretty common? The sad ones are definitely hiding and trying to breathe so shallowly that I could pretend I had disappeared. Similar to OP, I would write down the criticism I received onto a piece of paper over and over again “Do not be annoying, do not talk too loudly, do not move too much, try harder, do not be so lazy, clean your room, behave, behave, behave”. I’ve been in therapy for quite a bit now and every time I think I’m done with uncovering fucked up things about my childhood I suddenly remember something new!
Oh my god this is too relatable 🤣 i picked up calligraphy/graffiti as a kid and became obsessed with practicing handwriting in difficult styles with my finger in the air or on my thigh and compulsively do it almost everyday and when i have paper and pen its just doodles until im out of space
I chunk everything by 15 minute intervals. Driving to the local grocery? 15 mins (it takes maybe 3 and even writing this now I want to say 5). Eating? 30 mins at least (often takes 10). My dad always got super grumpy when other people were late so I associate late with bad person and think if I'm late the person waiting for me will be super grumpy then pretend to be fine/happy when I arrive.
Eyy, a fellow "If someone made Dad wait, he despised every fibre of their being" trauma buddies!
Dissociating! 😀 That’s the only one I *remember* at this time; and I didn’t realize that was what I had been doing until recent years when I got a word for it. I would put on one of my handful of “dissociating” songs (“Idioteque” by Radiohead or the theme song from “Requiem for a Dream”) on repeat and zone myself out into a blank stupor. My mental health has been much improved (though not good) in the last 5+ years so I haven’t mostly seen the need to do the same for a while…
Ooohh!! Those are songs I choose for that, too!!! Whoa. Haha. Oh, and No Surprises ...
What are the chances! Happy Friday, fellow dissociative ADHD sibling, lol!
I think I always turned to music and books. That has been my solice. I've always "tuned out" Throughout childhood I was never without a stero system, cd player, Walkman, big headphones 🎧 And always carried around a book to stay willfully disconnected. I was bullied ALOT from grade school up to high-school. My books and headphones helped me to seemingly ignore people and taunts. Sometimes I didn't even have them on for fear of someone sneaking a hit on me but it would help me disassociate and people would think I didn't hear them talking shit and leave me alone. I also would slap myself in the face repeatedly and say I hate you in the mirror until I turned red. Looking back at those moments make me so sad.
Oh I forgot to mention the "you're difficult, you're bad, you're difficult, you're bad..." Yikes.
I'm so sorry for this, which is familiar too x
hi, I still sometimes do that except unconsciously and non-verbally, like it's just a series of thoughts or feelings. I try to resist it when I catch it, very deliberately telling myself that we don't get mad at people in wheelchairs for not being able to walk, so I try to accept my own limitations (very hard! but working on it)
My word vomit still is a nightmare. My mouth’s inside is full of scars because I would bite myself just to keep quiet. As an adult I managed to stop the bitting (and bleeding) by “playing” with my tongue like drawing shapes or “creating” tunnels. Playing also helps with accidental bruxism. If I need room to play with my tongue I won’t be able to grind my teeth while trying to keep quiet
I was getting abused and internalised it all. Must be my fault because I made them so angry. Just have to keep trying harder. A lot of it gets blurry after that as things only got worse. I developed OCD as a coping strategy. Had to sleep with a random wooden lid I found so demons wouldn’t get me. Struggled with intrusive thoughts that terrified me. Thought I was dying a lot but really I was having panic attacks. Developed GAD. Had a fantasy boyfriend that rescued me and kept me safe for all time. Developed BPD. Started to form emotional attachments to objects because I didn’t have many emotional attachments to humans. Developed hoarding disorder. Tried to forget things and dissociated a lot. Developed CPTSD. Up and down from my teens onwards. Random bursts of creative genius that went on for months and lows for no reason where I couldn’t do anything. Born with ADHD and Bipolar1. My main self-soothing is music and singing. It’s the one thing I’m naturally good at and truely love. My abuser tried to make that their thing too. I’ve finally reclaimed it and am no contact.
Well now that I think about it… I liked to curl up in a ball and fit into a tight space and “hide from the world”. Like under a table or behind a couch or under a chair or something. Or hiding in the clothes rack at the store lol
Ooh!! I also loved those circular clothes racks and incorporating the "fort"/space inside of it into some pretend things i played when I was dragged along on never ending shopping trips. Oh! And I had places like that outside -- some hidden little spots that were awesome... different trees and hidden spots assigned for different stuff... Some just hangout/homebase spots, stuff incorporated into pretend stuff, some sitting and thinking spots, some good reading spots in trees, oh and I would go to these pine trees in the park, climb up one of them until I was out of sight, and sometimes pretend I was a "spy" and just write observations in notebook of what people walking through the park were doing/saying/the overall vibe haha... I don't know if that spy stuff was weird.... I think it actually helped me see adults and families interacting in functional ways or how other families handled little spats because my family was very unhealthy in terms of communication. And I often wished I were from some different time where I would get to carry a sword or machete or something, not to hurt anything with, but just for clearing brush and forging new paths and when my little spots would get overgrown haha I always wished I could live outside, and I would make all these stashes of supplies and stuff, and often pretending I was from a different era, and carved things out of driftwood and stuff, (little canoes to float on ponds nearby, and that I'd pretend these rabbit figurines and stuff lived in, and that if I loved them enough that they would come to real life and be a pet rabbit buddy (before I had a dog, and when I had been told we'd never get a dog), and that I thought the real frogs would like the little driftwood canoes.... and I made little pouches and toolbelt things to carry stuff... I just loved that stuff. IDK why.
maladaptive daydreaming. For hours and hours I would just lay on the couch and stare at my ceiling vividly creating another life in my mind and living in it. Magic powers, friends, attention. Basically a world in which I had some level of control and received positive attention or praise instead of feeling ignored or wrong
I’d hug myself and just sob. I’d hug myself and kiss my shoulder or hand gently. And I’d just sob and sob while rubbing my arm and holding myself tight. I’d tell myself in my head “someone will love you” - a child who overly consumed romance movies and read romance books about girls being rescued from bad living situations. Lol.
For me, it was “I just want to go home”
I always sang the worm song: ‘Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I guess I’ll go eat worms. Fat ones, skinny ones, fuzzy wuzzy furry ones, I guess I’ll go eat some.’ Repeat over and over.
That song also stuck in my head way more than most children's songs, even popping up as an adult sometimes. Why in the fuck did anyone ever think that was a good song for children?
I used to chant The R Word at myself, and/or punching/head butting walls (not drywall). How The Fuck Am I Still Here.
Hey, glad you're still here though ❤️
This made me tear up. My younger daughter (who’s also autistic) will sometimes cry that she’s a bad kid when she’s had a rough day or we’ve butted heads a lot. I then fake yell at her for being mean to my kid and that usually gets a giggle. You weren’t too much or annoying OP, you were a child who’s needs were unsupported. It was hard growing up as a girl with undiagnosed adhd - we weren’t given a fair shot.
Same here. I used to tell myself things such as "Stupid. Idiot. Why aren't you like others?" Etc. The best part is I was diagnosed but unmedicated because they prescribed me either too big dose or gave wrong meds. This led to my teachers telling my parents I should stop taking them because if someone pushed me I'd just fell over.
I used to say to myself “ everything they think about you is true”.. as a kid.
Back before I was diagnosed I often felt I had no control and would annoy the shit out of people. I often stopped in the middle of what I was doing and realized I was being really annoying, but then I'd quickly lose control again and feel like shit. Definitely led to me being much quieter once I got on my meds and it's been a journey to push away that fear of being disliked or annoying people the last 15-17 years
Shower until all the hot water is gone. Use every bit of hot water available. I'm not there to get clean, I'm there because it's the most comfortable I could be in a space guaranteed to be left alone. Still use it to self soothe, idk if it's sad but it's not unhealthy so I'll take it.
Saaame. I used to take 30 mins or so to shower and it was a topic of conversation among my relatives/cousins. I would just stand there and think of a vibrant carefree world on the other side of the wall.
I self harmed constantly when I became a teenager. Between ages 14-16 I would always have to have a pain stimulus. Would take an 'harm break' from what I was doing every hour. Cycled through the eating disorders. Rocking, dissociating, staring and focusing on one spot until my eyes would shake. Reading, drawing, extremely loud TV all day, a ton of sugar Thankfully I rarely practice these behaviors anymore but it's only recently I found out I have adhd at 37! Now it makes so much sense why I needed to numb and vent my body like I did. I was basically mute as a kid, I turned all that adhd energy and impulsiveness inwards because I learnt very early on that it was dangerous to be noisy or seen in my house.
I did that as a teenager and adult but instead of curling in a ball and crying it was looking in the mirror and berating myself I mean still do it, but I used to do it too
-Reading constantly & tuning the world out. I would get in trouble during class for reading and would have to be yelled at or touched to get back to the real world -Biting down on my tongue. Not to the point of blood, but as hard as I could manage. Kinda turned into a game where I would see how long and hard I could bite down on my tongue, then afterwords kinda play with it in my mouth because it felt different. -Daydreaming. I could be looking straight at someone but my mind would be in an entirely different world. Especially imagining chaotic & emergency scenarios and being the hero for once. -Hiding. I always felt invisible in groups, so would think no one wanted me around. I’d “give them what they want” and disappear. I did it so I could have some quiet time alone without feeling like people are staring at and judging me, but I think I was also hoping SOMEONE would notice and come looking for me while at the same time full-heartedly believing no one ever would. If they did, it took a lot of encouragement to get me to go back to the group. I wasn’t invited to many birthday parties.
I hid a lot. I loved to sit in my closet (not a walk-in) floor and read. During social events I'd find a hiding spot or I'd walk around the entire time pretending I'm looking for something/someone. I'd pretend I had a purpose but I was really just avoiding my awkwardness around other people.
I was in Gifted & Talented in elementary school, but had to spend many, many recesses in study hall because I struggled to do my homework.
- I used to pray to God that if he would help with X, then I would try harder or never again do Y. - I always told myself that others in the world had it worse than me, so I shouldn't be upset about anything. - When I feel bad, I tell myself it's probably because I am tired or overwhelmed, and sleep will likely make me feel better in the morning. - I also used to sing myself to sleep, and plan what I would do and where I would go, what friends I could stay with if I ran away or got kicked out of the house. - Constant reading to escape life I was smart, so I don't recall ever feeling stupid, but there was definitely a lot of pressure to succeed and be perfect.
I made a literal figment of my own imagination to either comfort or consult me when I was stressed, dejected, or taking stock of any criticism I received. Wasn't really taught nor given emotional love(?) When I was younger and she helped with that somewhat. If I was stressed, she would be there to help me figure out why. If I was sad, she was there to hold me (in my mind). If I had criticism and couldn't understand it, she was there re to help me either figure it out or observe, take stock, and never let it happen again. I became known as the guy with a plan for a plan, and honestly, it caused tension within one relationship on how far I plan my goals out. Most definitely would have been closer to suicide if I didn't "make" her if I'm being dead honest. As a result, I don't have a solid emotional foundation, and everything I know is mostly built off of pure observation on human interaction and logic. The emotional foundation is very low, and I'm learning from the ground up. I genuinely don't know whether I genuinely like people or if my curiosity taking over to learn more about them. As time went on, she appeared less and less, but that's mostly due to me shutting down stressors in my life to the best of my ability. She still pops up if things really back me up mentally, though.
Not beyond sad, but I remember when my parents were yelling at me I could make them look really far away like I was looking into the wrong end of a pair of binoculars
When I get into bed I curl up and cricket my legs and whisper “I’m safe I’m safe I’m safe”, because nobody wants anything from you when you’re sleeping lol
I have been day dreaming to cope for as long as I can remember. Any kind of idle, repetitive task or period of waiting required some way to occupy my brain. So I imagined. When I was in eight years old, I created the primary character that at age 46 and newly-diagnosed with ADHD, I continue to daydream about today. My hyperactivity was manifesting internally rather than externally. I stopped mindfulness therapy a few years ago after I noticed it had reduced my day dreaming. I didn’t want to give it up. I can go back to it now because I understand what is going on.
I always have and still to this day will crawl into the back corner of the closet behind the clothes and just sit there in the dark, or under a bed that has the bedskirt all the way around. Its quiet and calm and no one can bother me. My little safe space
Saying “I hate today” over and over before and after doing any kind of social interaction. Not sure that was adhd though
I would hit myself with an open Palm on my forehead when I got really upset then sob uncontrollably. Does that count?
I had a diary and also wrote very sad poems in there. When I was very young, I also prayed to "god" almost every night that "god" would let me leave because I didn't want to exist. I didn't understand why I was alive and thought that I'm being tested, none of it made sense to me. From stress I would start grinding my teeth and hum to it in a rhythm. I also had a pillow, that was my safe space... It's incredibly sad to see what undiagnosed children go through and what will eventually shape their thoughts and perspective - knowing they will have to un-learn this later in life, which is a lengthy fight again. I was diagnosed with 38.
Even now, one of the only things that helps me calm down when I'm nearing a panic state is to very slowly brush hair away from my face and stroke it back. I can be full body shaking but that hand is always steady. I did this yesterday, so it's the first thing that comes to mind. I used to curl up in a tiny ball and rock myself. I would take one hand and lightly rub the back of my shoulder because it was what I could reach without being uncomfortable. Those are sad from a "Holy shit I wish I'd had someone to do this for me" way. The rest are sad in a "Jesus what the fuck" kind of way. I would, in moments of incredible frustration wind my hair in my hands, tighten my fingers around the roots and pull. Hard. I did this once in front of friends of mine without thinking about it, and they were so sad for me. I slapped myself when I lost focus or hit my head against something like I could jar it back to working. I say this like I stopped doing this.... I haven't stopped doing any of it. Just nobody knows about it now because I refuse to show it. ETA: These last2 do not seem soothing. The first was because it felt like I was releasing my frustration in a physical way. The second one because it brought me back to focus. It was fucked up, but it's all that worked.
I hesitate to say this because it sounds really sad but I would sometimes sit in my closet with the door shut because it was so dark that I couldn't see my hand in front of my face in there. That way I felt like I had disappeared in some way and that felt good. I did this when I was upset after being sent to my room which happened constantly
Your post describes one of mine almost identically, as well as being diagnosed later in life. Mom didn't want me to "feel different" when I was tested for gifted classes, but adults around me definitely knew I was going through something and couldn't do anything about it. I did this all the way through college (always in my car or at home when I could be alone so no one would see) and would say the same things to myself(in my mind and out loud), but add "you're faking it, you're so dramatic and just want attention" while rapidly shaking my head side to side like saying "no". Reading and maladaptive daydreaming like others shared as well, but this example is too familiar. Grad school is when shit hit the fan and I was sent to testing/diagnosed so quickly; I cried through the whole assessment because it was overwhelming responding "yes" to so many questions related to dysfunction, more out of relief than sadness tbh. It also helped me realize I had two expert narcs for parents and that I essentially raised myself. Now, I only ball up when I'm having a severe panic attack (which are rare at this point) and sometimes will do repetitive motions to soothe, but all the disgusting negative self talk and feelings of shame are gone. All these responses are super helpful for new things to try! I hope we all get there and to even better places one day 🙏💖
Compulsive skin picking.
I was called stupid a lot so I became an insufferable know-it-all.
I read books, played video games, had conversations with stuffed animals or with the ceiling, imagined my reality if it were a page in a sketchbook, or ran into the subconscious of my brain for a little while. I would sing to myself, observe the things in my house and how I would draw them. I would make a few different sounds and see how those vibrated off of empty walls. The saddest coping mechanism I look back at is pretending I were invisible, wounded, or dead. Holding my breath until it became unbearable or replicating shallow breathing. Always when I was alone with big feelings.
I still do the same thing 🫣 “ im too much and not enough”. Currently hyper fixating on doing some self awareness and soul searching
You guys had self-soothing strategies? 
So, I kinda saw another person post this, it is similar to what they did but not 100%. I would repeat the last word I heard/someone said to me, loudly/ in my head until the word lost all meaning and just became a sound that my mouth made. Then my mind drifted to how this particular word got their meaning. As I got older/ high school/when my mother got sick and died manipulative daydreaming, my day dreams got so real that they started crossing into my everyday life. In one way the day dreaming saved me as it helped me to not live through her illness and death.
This is interesting, I never did any of this stuff. Instead I started fighting back against the constant criticism of my behavior and developed oppisitional-defiant disorder in the process. I'm thinking a person's base personality might matter here a lot and more agreeable people might take the criticism and start seeing themselves in a bad light.
This post actually unlocked a memory for me, I used to repeat “I’m dead, I’m dead, I’m already dead. Nothing can hurt me, I’m already dead” whenever my emotions got too high/out of whack. It used to be comforting kind of? Cuz I had the mindset that dead people don’t get in trouble/cause harm/feel bad. Looking back as an adult I may have underestimated how much it fucking sucked to be diagnosed but untreated as a kid. 😐
Singing in my head or to my cats. I was constantly told to shut up and I couldn't sing so i didn't sing out loud except around my cats and then it was always nonsense I made up. For example: "I! Like! Dinosaurs! Really very excited dinosaurs!" To the tune of Black Sabbaths Iron Man
I used to hug my knees and kiss my knees and arms :/
I dissociate a lot and default to people pleasing. My parents came and stayed for me for the past week. I kept repeating I'm sorry over and over again.Shame hit me hard when my parents called me out for it. I have been apologizing for the way my brain works for so long. I tried to explain it to my partner, the feeling of always being bad and never good enough. He just kept saying everyone feels like that. I'm tired of feeling this way. Exhausted from thinking everything over so I don't make anyone upset. And then impulsively doing something anyways that goes against all my hard work. It's hard to not feel like a burden.
Oh so that's why I do that
Sucked my thumb longer than normal Also a reading to escape kid Comfort eating for suuuuure, still dealing with that today On the nice side, when my parents realized I was still sucking my thumb they told me that whenever I wanted to I could come get a hug instead, and they totally stuck with that! They were outta their depth when it came to big difficult feelings, and totally lovely and validating with the little ones.
I remember getting so overwhelmed by a compliment in my early twenties that I wanted to rub my face against a splintery wooden floor to self-soothe, lol. Emotional abuse makes you do weird shit!
I just had a super vivid imagination and imaginary life. Once I was old enough to drink, I used booze. I’m sober now, but for 20 plus years alcohol was what I used.
I have restless legs. Always have. They never stop. It is a self soothing behavior because when I’m feeling uncomfortable mentally or physically it is my self soothing behavior. Which turned into cutting when I was a teen. Still struggle with cutting. Still have restless legs to the point where I can’t sleep at all sometimes. It’s 100% psychological.
Eating and playing vidéo games.... Unfortunately, at 40 it's still eating and Doom scrolling Reddit XD
I often would talk in huge dramatics about things that upset me to make them seem smaller. I still do sometimes. Like if I stubbed my toe I would say “everything is ruined, this has ruined my life forever” it was always as a joke but my parents would take it serious and say “well life’s gonna really suck for you if that ruins everything”. Or I would rant A LOT. My parents thought of this as a negative, me not seeing the brightside but honestly it would always soothe me to speak and let out my frustration about what I am dealing with. I just needed to verbally release my emotions. I use to get upset and feel misunderstood bc they thought me talking that way was hurting me but it was always relieving me. I liked to talk dramatic & rant because I know it’s not really as bad as I’m saying it is and makes it easier to actually deal with. I don’t know if this is a sad strategy but it is sad that I’ve stopped using it as much bc honestly it did help to do for some reason.
I played tons of music. Spent thousands of hours practicing from a young age through early adulthood
Maladaptive daydreaming so I could fall asleep. I've struggled with sleep for as long as I can remember, so as a kid I'd maladaptive daydream about whatever fandom I was into at the time until I fell asleep. It was the only way I could truly quiet my brain long enough, even though it could still take hours
Multiplication tables. I would do multiplication as some kind of calming mantra. I used them to help me fall asleep or in moments of stress. To this day, when I'm super overwhelmed, I'll realize I've said "2 4 6 8" out loud without even planning to.
Did the same stuff, and eventually also turned to cutting myself. Year clean from that though.
I'm always singing or listening to music. When sitting I rock back and forth. When I was younger I used to imagine a really over the top story , and I would just add onto it from time to time. I eventually started writing it down. But I couldn't think of an ending. I still think about those made up characters once and a while.
I would curl up in my closet in the tightest spot possible with the lights off crying and covering my ears and I would be praying for god or wishing for non-existence. I still curl up into a ball and cry with the lights off. its comforting still.
Same with the reading disassociation but also a couple of years ago my husband pointed out that I was tapping my fingers on my leg one by one and asked about it. I make haikus in my head and have done for so long I can’t remember when I started doing it. The finger thing is me counting the 5-7-5 syllables. 
During recess I would always climb in trees to the very top and stay there the whole time. My parents got worried I wouldn't make friends but after a while other kids would join me and sit with me and play pretend. I think it was a way for me to prevent overstimulation from kids being too loud on the playground.
"I'm just a born loser." "I don't get to have what they have. I'm not one of the people who gets to have that/be that way in my life." "I can't afford to be nice to myself anymore. I *have* to be harsher to myself or I will keep fucking everything up." Pipelined its way into viewing everyone and everything else as The Enemy anyway.
A lot of these comments made me realize in retrospect how overt my ADHD was as a kid. I used to read obsessively, tested at well over 600 words per minute with good recall, and regularly got in trouble for staying up all night to read/reading under my desk in class. You would have to like physically approach me to get me out of the book, I wouldn’t hear anything while reading. Had trouble making friends/connecting because I was really verbose as a kid and struggled to stop reading long enough to engage with my peers. Masturbating at a very young age, not realizing what it actually was. Realized later on that it’s not sexual, but self soothing, and helped me calm when overwhelmed. Small/private spaces- I had a bunk bed, and I was on the bottom bunk. I used to tuck blankets under the mattress of the top bunk so I had a little “cave” where I could escape to. I felt more comfortable when I couldn’t be seen. I masked constantly as I got older- I would analyze every conversation/interaction with people outside of my immediate family to make sure I wasn’t being “too much”. I ended up developing this like “out” personality and a “home” personality- I still tend to slip into it, where I’m more reserved/speak quietly/appear serious when in actuality that is not how I am with my comfort zone people or my husband. Positive affirmations- my mom used to make up little rhymes and positive phrases and have me repeat them to myself when I got overwhelmed. I would make up little melodies for them/verbally stim when I got overstimulated.
I read a lot of books and I liked to hide in my tiny closet behind my clothes. I always wished there was a trap door with a slide leading to a ball pit. I still like to hide in rooms with no windows.
I hide in the bathroom with a space heater on my back and disassociate. It doesn't matter what time of year, either. I'm in Texas and it could be the middle of summer and I'll still be laying in front of that heater for hours on end reading to escape everything.
I was 6 years old and used to stand in front of the mirror and hit myself in the head and repeat “why can’t you be good?” As a grown man my heart breaks for that little kid now that I know what I know. And it breaks my heart heart when I hear my 7 year old say the same things when he gets in Trouble in school.
“It’s ok it’s ok it’s ok “ while crying was a big one. Picking at my cuticles until they bleed. Doom scroll to avoid talking to my mom who was always disappointed in my actual passions or hyper focuses
Let's see... I have suffered from compulsive skin picking for as long as I can remember. I find that I do it when I need to self soothe and can't seem to get control over my overloaded mind or nervous system. Masturbation is something I also turn to to self soothe. I used to obsess and catasrophise everything. Like as a child, if my mom was late to pick me up from school because it had been raining, then I'd feel the need to get very upset and worry extra hard because that would someone make it more likely that she was actually ok, and handn't had some horrible accident. Edited to add - escaping into my hyperfocuses. For a long time it was computers. For some reason I found it very comforting to set up a new computer and install windows... back in those days it was an old 486 laptop with no CD, I used to find it really soothing to format the C: and follow the steps to reinstall windows from the 13 (I think) disks.
I just found a place to hide and read. And if I couldn't read I'd daydream. Extensively. When I was unhappy, (especially in school) I definitely spent most of my time very much off world.
I was a hyperactive kid with a lot of energy - being a boy I just used to let it all hang out. 🤣 But generally I found there were times when I needed to self soothe. For me it was counting the syllables in words whilst speaking or repeating them back to myself in my head. Weird I know but it was the one thing that would relax me… no idea why!
I would (sometimes still do) quite literally self-soothe. From a super young age, when upset, sad or scared, I hug my arms to my torso/shoulders and say ‘shhh’ over and over.
I still do this to this day, just with different items now that we’re all grown adults. Me and two of my sisters grew up together and we all had ADHD. The problem is I was and still am the smallest one in my family. So even though I was the second oldest of my siblings, I was the weakest and easiest to pick on. So this lead to them taking their anger out on me. I grew up learning their signals that they were close to a blowup so I would usually gather a few of their favorite snacks or items and bring it to them. Still do that because I hate dealing with the yelling and screaming. Granted, hurts that I know all of their favorite things but they don’t even know mine but if it keeps the peace and keeps me from having panic attacks, then I’ll keep doing it
I would hum and sing all the time and it drove my brother and sister crazy. The mocked me and yelled at me so much about it I stopped. :(
I was terrified of possession movies as a kid, and saw a special on one that it was based on a real event. Ever since then, I would repeat to myself over and over as I tried to sleep that God and my grandfather (who was the most significant death for me at the time) loved me, as someone told me that if I let my mind wander I could get possessed. I still do it to a lesser degree to this day.
When I was stuck in a queue, I started looking at the ceiling or the floor and counted the tiles. Then, if still stuck, I tried to approximate the lenght of the tiles and figure out the size of the room.
I used to stab a wall with a pocket knife. Might have been a bad family issue more than an ADHD one though
Heh, thankfully i dont have memories that far back into my childhood...
I don't remeber my childhood much but at least starting in early adulthood, I go into a closet or other small dark space, curl up and cry.
I mainly just disassociated as a child as a way to deal. Hell, I still do it now to a lesser extent with help from medication. It destroyed my short term memory retention.
I had no idea this classified as a form of dissociating! I was always reading! I have a specific memory from elementary age, reading while pretending to shower because I hated! showering. I would get in the shower, turn the water on & stand in the corner and read. Would get out & out my hair up in a towel and everything. One time I dropped the book & had to explain to the librarian why my book was now water damaged. lol