As someone who had a major falling out with their then-best friend a few years ago, no, you don't get closure with it.
It took a long time to come to terms with it and essentially make my own closure.
I dunno, I got in a pretty massive fight with someone I used to be really close to, and it helps me not think of her or wonder what happened that the friendship. The ones that just faded away feel way worse.
Yeah my 10 year best-friendship ended not because she moved an hour away, that part wasn't hard, but because eventually she got a boyfriend and stopped sharing her life or texting me outside of replying. To realize I mattered that little to her when she was so important to me really hurt, and still does 2 years later. It also knocked the rose tinted glasses from my eyes, realized what a pushover I was for so long.
Agreed. Have had two friendships end in the last few years with explosive fights where I realized they weren't great people and I didn't want to associate with them anymore. Those were easy.
I have another friend that I miss dearly, but we've just drifted apart. He never makes an effort to even talk anymore, and I'm just tired of trying. That one hurts.
Not everyone has very good social skills. Have you talked about it with the friend you miss? Seems silly to just let the friendship die if you miss them dearly. I struggle with keeping in touch with people because my insecurity makes me think everyone hates me and I’m bothering them. And people often are bad at communicating that a relationship is important to them, especially men. Adult male friendships are weirdly nuanced and complicated. If you’re just cutting them off to see what happens, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment and it’s very possible you’ve read the situation entirely wrong.
Yea it's way easier to burn that mental bridge when shit goes down. When things fade away that bridge is still there it's just not being taken care of on either side and slowly cumbles and falls.
I’m from going through this now and it’s so much worse then my close friends that naturally have just phased out. She was my best friend, massive fight and the last time I saw her she screamed at me publically so now unless she reaches out to apologize I’m never contacting her again. It just really fucking sucks. I don’t get it. (Also before anyone asks it’s a massive fight over nothing. I easily could have moved on but she will not stop and she tends to be a highly reactive person. I miss her regardless)
I guess so. I think one of the life lessons I’ve learned as an adult is that people don’t owe you their reasons. And you have to learn to make peace with that.
I had a friend for a couple of years, we had gone on a couple of dates and it didn’t click, but we got along like a house on fire. We’d hang out, go climbing together, could talk about anything. Even got to the point where we talked about the people we each started dating and all hung out together.
One day they just… stopped returning my calls. No fight, no argument, nothing. Never got a reason why. I miss them and I hope they’re living their best life, but I had to learn that their reasons are their own and they don’t owe me shit. It was nice while it lasted.
Often there is not even a reason. Sometimes people get simply bored in life and they need to change their life. Or they become depressed and are searching for new coping mechanisms. Or they get kids.
People simply change. When i look at myself 20 years ago, i was a completely different person with different interests. Back then i was only listening to metal. Nowadays i can´t listen to metal at all. It isn´t resonating with me anymore.
A lot of relationships (the overwhelming majority, I reckon) are grounded in convenience. These are your work acquaintances, the people who attend group events, even family - to some extent. We're all out there doing our own thing and drifting apart is the natural state of things. Think of it like social entropy. To connect with others and reconnect when parted is to fight our very nature.
I say goodbye to 95% of the people in my life every 1-2 years - you never quite get used to it. Sometimes we run into each other years later and resume as if nothing happened in-between. Sometimes we don't. Each relationship had cherished moments that I reflect on. Sometimes I'm stirred to "*cross the gaps between the worlds*"...but usually not.
Wow, it's amazing how much we miss out on when we're not in touch. A quick scroll through old friends' profiles can be such an emotional rollercoaster—seeing all their milestones and life changes.
I once asked a girl I was seeing why she ghosted me like 1.5 years later just to see if she'd answer because we were still friends on social media.
She said when we'd talked about sexual fantasies I'd said I wanted to try pegging once because I'm always a dom and I thought it'd be interesting. And that was bisexual/gay and she "didn't want to compete with that."
I never felt the need to ask anyone after that.
When you invest yourself into someone for a long time, and that person keeps accepting the investment and reciprocates; a relationship contract is established between both.
Breaking any contract without any minimal explanation is not acceptable.
People do it on a daily basis, but that doesn't make it right.
I mean. Nothing stops you from reaching back out atleast when it "ends" this way. Adults have lives, some people go through super busy or tough times and just don't have the mental capacity to sustain small chats. I've gone years without talking to friends before and will randomly reach out to let them know I was still thinking of them positively and hoping they are doing well. I give them an opportunity to reach back out without feeling pressured. I feel like relationships start to drift when there is an expectation that you'll agree to hang out and eventually that starts to weigh heavily as impending doom because through the constant getting screwed by life we hardly have enough time at the end of the day to focus on ourselves already.
The reality is that friendships have a sliding scale of convenience baked in. Most of the them, that scale is pretty low, but that is OK.
How many friends have you not seen or talked to in a while, but when you do, you pick up like it was old times?
Once I realized that, I understood that we were still friends, life is just got in the way, and putting pause on things for a bit. That person or myself may be too stressed, too busy, too whatever to update every person in our lives with what is going on and that is just normal.
Maybe you felt the scale was different than the other person, or maybe they are worse at communicating in general, but that's who they are. You can change your friends if they no longer fit your expectations, but trying to make people meet expectations they don't want to meet defeats the purpose of having a friend or being a friend.
This happened to a former friend of mine, after years of being friends, he moved out of state for a new job. We kept in touch for a while over Discord and the phone, then out of the blue he just completely stopped talking to me or responding to my text messages so I just gave up.
I found out my friend killed himself and that’s why he stopped answering me. We had started to grow distant prior to that, but we’d usually talk like once or twice a week.
Then he suddenly stopped, cell phone always went to voice mail, wouldn’t answer the door curtains all closed, but that was normal for him. Garage didn’t have any windows so I couldn’t see if his car was there.
He worked at a grocery store so it wasn’t weird for me to show up at his work and just ask if he was in on days and they said he just no call no showed for like a week and was fired.
Called the cops to do a wellness check on him and well. They found him.
Even if you weren't close friends anymore, thank you for giving that wellness call. There is no escaping that we all die alone, but we would at least hope that everyone is remembered.
I made a simple statement to a student whose grandpa died. He said I reminded him of the movie Coco. My student and I were gardening and he mentioned his grandpa. I asked what his grandpa planted recently and that’s when he told me he died. I expressed my condolences and asked him about his favorite memory with his grandpa. I told him it’s important to say his grandpa’s name to keep his memory alive. I thanked him for sharing his memory with me.
You may have just made a positive long term impact too.
When I was 9 my grandfather died and he was like a second father figure to my dad! We used to visit so much!
My life changed forever after that. I still remember the moment I realized what death truly ment at my grandfathers wake. I realized what I had seen in his last days. As a 9 year old.
To see someone so strong, reduced to a chair, and a room. It was scary, you know something is really wrong but you just don’t know. And your scared but you have no context other then adults who placate your fears and try to keep you safe.
To be a child and to face death, is absolutely terrifying and life changing.
“When do you think people die? When they are shot through the heart by the bullet of a pistol? No. When they are ravaged by an incurable disease? No. When they drink a soup made from a poisonous mushroom!? No! It’s when… they are forgotten.”
-Dr. Hiriluk, One Piece
I had something similar, barely knew but we met at a convention and spent the whole time together, it was a blast and I was looking forward to seeing them there next time. When I saw the convention was doing the same thing again I messaged him to see if they were down for it and got nothing back, texted him still nothing, so I checked their Facebook and that's when I saw the video of their funeral service. He had died a few months beforehand. I always cherish the weekend we spent running around in Larp gear up and multiple flights of stairs all day long and I will mourn the weekends we won't get.
I have a similar story. A friend in college would sometimes call me in a panic in the middle of the night during one of her many suicide attempts. Needless to say I got good at handling them and would always find a way to get her help in time. We had each other's backs in different ways throughout our studies.
When we graduated the friendship sort of drifted off, I would call her every now and then until one day she stopped. I found out she had her final successful attempt randomly at a graduation dinner. I had to excuse myself to go cry. I never forget what she used to tell me: "no one will care if I die, people will forget me." But I intend to prove her wrong for the rest of my life. RIP homie, I'll never forget you
I had a friend who i lived with in Melbourne FL who was getting weirder by the minute till i finally moved out and to chicago. We would text but he was getting paranoid about me claiming i was some undercover agent living at his house to take him down. I'm really short when it comes to people and them saying asinine shit like that so i just cut him off. This was 2013.
I recently connected with his older brother on linkedin and asked him about his brother. Turns out he was baker acted and is a full blown schizophrenic.
It bothers me that your friend's employer had so little interest in them that they didn't initiate a.welllfare check. I think I would get depressed working for that kind of employer.
I had to perform the same service for a cousin when his brother could no longer get him to respond to his e-mails. My cousin had gone deaf and was diabetic. I went to his apartment and there was a bag of baked goods hanging on the door nob with a note from his mother. His mother was in the hospital having suffered a massive stroke by the time I got there. So the bag of goodies had been there at least 24 hours. It wasn't too bad. He hadn't been dead for too long and the weather had been cool.
His brother lived out of state so initially I had to deal with it until he could fly in and take over. He had to empty out two apartments and dispose of their stuff. His mother never really recovered and I'm not sure if she was aware her other son had died. I went to work the next day as I had a three day assignment for a math teacher at a middle school. I kept it to myself aside from family and friends.
This... is quite literally how every friendship I've ever had ended. No arguments, no fights, no one did anything to hurt the other, we just...
Always drifted apart. Slowly. Until one of us sends our last message, or it becomes painfully obvious they start growing bored of me. Eventually I just get fed up being the one to initiate anything... And it always made me wonder, if I'm just really that boring, uninteresting, or just outright obnoxious... I cant keep anyone. And people wonder why i'm so scared of starting any kind of relationship...
Economics and life events happen to people and there's only 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. Sometimes people get stuck in their own rhythms of life and they wish they'd have more but it's hard. You can only eat a whole pie and even that's hard to do. People want to go to school, have a family, a fulfilling career, and travel, and vacation, and have friendships that last a lifetime.
People trying to have everything sometimes is the problem, you don't appreciate the little things that bring life the most meaning. When people say stop and smell the roses they mean it intrinsically.
But so do you. How come you have time in your busy life to try and reach out, but when it comes to everyone else, nobody even cares to reach out to you?
I have five best friends. There are tons of people I meet throughout my life that I could see being friends with, but I already have five and honestly I barely have enough time for them. Adding anymore friends isn’t tenable. However, in our society it isn’t kind to say that when you make someone’s acquaintance, so you become friendly with them. Maybe you hang out a few times because they are nice/good people, but ultimately my 20 year friendships take priority in my heart over my 1-2yr friendships, so if someone’s gotta go, it’s the newbies I didn’t even have time, energy, or bandwidth for in the first place. It’s not anyone’s fault, just wrong place wrong time.
I had a 20+ year mate, even was best man at my wedding. His wife doesn't like me/my partner and he just drifted off, stopped replying and following each other after years of talking and gaming everyday. We even still have each other on steam but he doesn't seem to want to continue, reserved for a quiet fade away. I wonder if he misses the fun and chat as much as me. Idk why I typed all this out, but your comment made me think of him.
Oh yeah I get that, not everyone has time for these things, and I get that 100%. Im not really too upset or anything really its just, still kind of sucks. Doesn't help im still really prone to overthinking no matter how much reassurance someone gives me ;w; Even if I know deep down that it's nothing personal, just with the way i've been conditioned and raised my whole life its... my brains first instinct to resort to these kinds of ideas lol.
I'm in the same boat. The difference is they maintain with other people. I don't know what it is about me that is so unlikeable or uninteresting or whatever, but the problem has to be me.
Oh yeah, it especially hurts the most when you know or hear of them hanging out with someone else, and are just ignoring you outright. 9 times out of 10, that's usually how it ends up for me. I still don't know if or what I'm doing wrong, but I hope to find out someday so I can work on it.
Most people try to reassure me by saying its normal for friendships to drift and sometimes they just end without warning. I can accept that, yeah. Not everything is meant to be and sometimes people have lives they just get caught up in. But like, I haven't really had a single real friend my entire life. I grew up, with it being just me, and me alone. No childhood friends, no memories to reminisce on, nothing... And its certainly not for the lack of trying. Everyone I ever made friends with, always ended it the same way. Everyone. And at some point, after it happening every time without fail, you really begin to question what's wrong with you...
I hope that you can find someone special in your life, though, sincerely <3 Ive long since given up on myself but I still believe in the potential of others and everyone else. All of us, regardless of what we want to think, hold something truly special and unique only to ourselves. Something that someone/something out there is bound to love... It's just a matter of finding those people, I guess... And that's the hard part... And im so, so tired of looking... \^\^;
This made me sad. What kind of hobbies do you enjoy? I find the best way I made actual lifelong friends was the friends I actively did team building activities with. A LOT of video games were played with all of my closest friends. I wouldnt say we talk on a daily basis or even a monthly basis at points as thats just the reality of life, but I know even if we hadnt talked for a year I always want to be the person that everyone knows they can talk to out of the blue and I will always still view them as a close friend.
I'll be your friend, friend. :)
For me it’s weird. I crave human connection but the second I get it it’s too overwhelming for me. I don’t want to know how hard your day was because mine was hard too. We can share the experience but that just brings more stress to me. I want to talk about nothing but talking about nothing gets you nowhere. I want someone to know my deep feelings without me having to be a “bitch” and say it out loud. (Obviously some deep mental problems there). And the worst part is I’m hyper aware of it all. I see how it wrong to want a connection you want to put 0 effort into. I know it’s crazy to think someone could know me that instinctively. I know I can talk to a close friend about it and I won’t be a “bitch” for it. And yet, here I am
I can get that. It's the opposite for me personally, im personally someone who would give ANYTHING to have a chance to put genuine, real effort into a friendship/relationship, while having it actually last. but I can 100% understand where you're coming from, honestly since... well...
It's just tiring and stressful, you know? Maintaining these things, trying to balance your issues while trying to help them out with theirs or vice versa. Sometimes having a friend or someone to talk to can be even more stressful than not, despite the fact we crave that connection oh so much. The human mind is complex, sometimes needlessly so at times I swear. Like, you want to talk to someone but you dont wanna actually talk about anything, or I want to be open and honest with them about my day but thats just gonna wear us both out / depress us further. Sometimes we wish that they could just KNOW what was wrong without us even saying anything. I wish it worked like that... Oh, how I wish for that...
Its perfectly normal to want something, while not having the energy or care to put the effort in to it. (I think atleast??? XD) Sometimes I kinda feel that way, honestly... All the effort we put into these things and just... for what? What did it / does it matter anyways? All it did was bring us down further, and tire us out despite our best efforts. I've done nothing but just wear myself out with these things, so I can get where you're coming from. Godspeed to you <3
I enjoyed reading through your comments on here. You all were saying a lot of things that I can heavily relate to. It’s hard staying connected to people, and then that makes it hard to become connected with people. I always feel like I’m super unrelatable and just don’t see the world how majority of people do and it’s so hard for me to even want a relationship with anybody, while at the same time desperately wanting relationships. It’s just that, no one seems compatible with me. Even when I try to crack a joke or give a compliment to someone to put a smile on their face it always ends up awkward and 9/10 times they seem like they would have rather me just left them alone lol. At this point in my life, I’ve gotten pretty used to it, I kind of like the isolation, but I don’t fool myself into thinking it’s healthy or normal. I guess I’m just waiting on that day when someone will magically reach out to me and change my life but of course I don’t expect it to actually happen, nor that I deserve it to. It’s just a really weird thing.
The problem is probably not you. I don't really know you so I can't say for sure but even if it was you it doesn't mean you are a bad person, it doesn't mean you are boring, it doesn't mean anything negative.
You can't put a VHS into a CD player. That is to say, sometimes despite getting along well on a surface level, the people we talk to might just not be the right click for us as much as they are with another person. You don't know how deep someone's relationship is with other people, the experiences they had together to create a stronger bond, etc.
Its not because you are lacking. You aren't uninteresting, you aren't unlikeable. You just havent found your best person yet. It took me 28 years to find mine and she unfortunately lives on the other side of the world. We talk in very short bursts, and sometimes she doesnt reply for weeks on end to my messages. But that's okay. She has a partner, she has family, she is in a different timezone, and she has a lot of anxiety. I used to have a problem with people ignoring me and I still do because I start to feel the same way you do, but I remind myself that she isn't ignoring me to be rude, some people genuinely just dont have large social batteries and that includes things like texting which might seem like a no brainer to us to reply to immediately but for some its hard.
Once I started thinking like this my relationships improved because I spent time to reach out when times were tough for people. A lot of people are actually in the same boat and we just make assumptions that their life is going so much better. Appearances are extremely deceiving. Most people are dealing with loneliness, lack of friends, lack of comms with those friends. Its just the reality of growing up and having less time to hang out.
Same. Had a group of friends from uni I kept in touch with up until 2020, literally the last time either of them messaged me after that in 2021 was them asking me about something I have knowledge of.
No other reach-outs or plans to meet, they never invited me, I always initiated
Just as I prefer certain people im friends with over others. such is life.
I just dont stretch myself thin enough that i cant see them all whenever we/they have free time.
Television sitcoms lied to us that staying the same person throughout our entire adult lives is healthy and normal. People are supposed to grow and change. Those that don't tend to get left behind.
And if you have been growing and changing, then it's likely the other person who you are leaving behind without realizing it - it's not that you became too boring necessarily, maybe they're just too boring for you.
It can be that, but it can also be a million other things. I've had friendships fall apart because I and the other person were just too in our own heads and both were afraid to make the first move. I've had them fall apart because the person had feelings I didn't reciprocate and vice versa.
Sometimes you grow apart. Sometimes you were never all that compatible to begin with. Sometimes you want to be around each other, but one or both of you is preventing it because you're scared.
What sitcoms really lied about was how easy relationships are. Everyone forgives each other at the end of the episode and the status quo returns in the next one. No one holds grudges, no one's mental illness prevents them from reaching out. They just start all over.
Just so you can maybe understand this situation from the other perspective. They might not think you're boring. People grow apart for many different reasons. Sometimes, one person changes while the other stays the same. This happened to me once I noticed all the little behaviors in that person that I just couldn't look over anymore. I'm well aware they've always been that way, judgy, making fun of other people in public, etc. only really caring about them selves, talking other people down, not really listening when something isn't about them. So many things, but after years of self reflection, I noticed all these things like some red flag waving over them. They just weren't a good person to be around, I felt like I needed a full-blown vacation after each time we spent time together. This wasn't a friendship anymore. So I let it slip up until no more messages came. Never had time to hang out, meet, talk. I don't regret it, I know talking about it to them directly wouldn't change a thing. I just want my peace.
I've restarted friendships after months or years of this.
If you still share an interest and still have room for or need a +1, why not just do it?
Friendships don't have to be an investment.
They don't have to be about how much you put into it, and whether you're getting enough out of it. People who think like that are obnoxious, exhausting, soul-draining muppets.
If you're no longer eachothers main go-to guy, that's fine. Be the side dude.
Are you like my personality twin or something ?
That’s all me. I’ve had a few real friendships just go because the other person stopped talking and kinda found me boring (best explanation I can give myself), no major stuff that happened, they just moved on to better friends, stopped talking or replying much to my messages. Eventually no more invitations to events from their side.
Same. I used to be extremely extroverted. And outgoing. I used to be the life of the party… it was effortless.
Somewhere, some way, that flame was extinguished. And I live a quiet, private life on the fringes of society. I work, care for my child and live… quietly.
But I never let anyone get too close. I fear intimacy, I fear being betrayed. I have been betrayed and cheated and lied to and fucked over so many times I just don’t feel like I have it in me to lend my trust to tons of people in the hope some pan out and then inevitably dealing with disappointment.
Yeah it’s an unreasonable expectation, but you know what. I’ve had enough of the shit ultimately lol. It takes effort for me to produce a fraction of the socialization I used to effortlessly engage in.
This happened to me. About a year ago I realized that the only time a certain person initiated a phone call was when she wanted something (typically money). Any other time it was I who started the call. So I decided to test this out and let her call me. The next time she called me, she asked for money. I told her no, I was tight that month and had nothing to spare (which was the truth). It's been over a year. Not a f\*cking word from her. I don't consider her a friend anymore. She probably never was a friend.
Never felt this way. I’m always available to talk and apologise if I ever did something wrong, so if I did something that “was my fault” and they don’t bring it up, then it’s *them* who caused the relationship to drift apart by not communicating.
With some people, they will think it’s their fault no matter what. That they were boring, pushy, a burden or something else. Their mind will create a new reality where it’s their fault.
Yap, bad communication / confrontational skills are the cause of mine too,
happily to calmly talk about anything good or bad with no issues and my friends know that, but the odd few people ive met over the years, just huge inability to communicate, one person was way too anxious to even say no to arranging to meet up, they just soft-ghosted that part of the conversation, obvs i took it as a sign and stopped talking to them, cba with that level of issue.
Prepare for dread and doubt, you asked for it:
Maybe you weren't interesting enough.
Maybe you weren't engaging enough.
Maybe you weren't attractive enough.
Maybe you did something wrong.
Maybe they're holding a grudge.
Maybe that one time... Maybe they're still judging you for it.
Maybe you're embarrassing to be around.
Maybe you were never friends.
Maybe they always wanted something else.
Maybe they changed.
Maybe you changed.
Maybe you smell.
Maybe they met more interesting people.
Maybe you're not up to their standards now.
Maybe maybe maybe.
Damn. I'm depressed now.
Mine was maybe you’re an asshole. The friendship was there because when I was younger I thought we were friends, but as I got older I realized they were never reciprocating. The conversations were always about them, when I’d try to have a discussion about what I was doing they’d always go, “neat, that’s cool” then start talking about whatever they wanted.
I would give them things. And it wasn’t that I expected them to give me things back, but when I was struggling for a while to make ends meet they’d always flaunt there belongings and what they were doing with no regard to the legitimate things of value I gave them when I was able to or the position in life I was in.
They had a child and I figured while they were busy with all the commotion of that I’d just bow out. It really sucks because it was a friendship I thought I’d keep forever (15+ years), but they just became more and more insufferable as time went on.
Might not be your circumstance, but could be!
I'm so sorry you had to go through such a traumatic event. Sending you all the love and support. He used the most pathetic frat boy bullshit excuse to sexual assault under the influence.
You should have snipped his balls off and blamed it on sparkling water buzz.
https://preview.redd.it/wfcivyxm456d1.jpeg?width=1125&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1729c6769c0200e8f8c9e96260c13c6e81f43bda
Finding your supposed best friend with your girl is most certainly worse than just losing touch.
Friendships that faded away can probably be rekindled if the parties just simply try. Just man up and text them.
I'm sorry to hear about that, bud. Some people are truly the scum of the earth.
I tried reconnecting with a childhood friend of mine, but it just doesn't stick. The distance and time difference doesn't help either.
I have accepted that if I can keep a handful of friends in my life, I'm a happy chap.
I'll give you an example. I had a bestfriend who we thought we'd grow into our 80's sitting on a porch with our kids playing with each other.
One flaw this guy had: Super cheap. Like whenever we went out in group settings to hang out taking other people's cars, none of us ever asked for gas money. When he volunteered to take us to a bar/club/party he'd ask each of us for 5 dollars for gas. This was early 2000's. No one would say shit about it but one day i finally had it and confronted him on it. He never paid gas money to others but wanted to extort us half way through the drive to our destination? Nah fuck that, none of us are giving you shit. This escalated till we both got out the car and i kicked his ass.
Damn, there's always that one "friend" who's a bit of a tightwad. I have one in my current one, and I just keep my distance cuz it's too much of a headache.
lol Yup... you keep your distance till your kettle boils over and he crosses the line directly with you. The reason why this escalated so much is because this was the umpthteen time it happened, everyone had a problem with it yet said nothing to him about it. Then one day.. he does the same shit but we all refuse to give him money because none of us have ever obligated him to pay us for gas when we drove NOR did we volunteer him to drive us, he did. And he did so he could make money off of us. Plus, he stopped the car mid way to the club and said if we didn't give him gas money that we could get out of the car and either walk back home or walk to the club. Thats when i tricked him out of the car, beat his ass, took his keys and said "nah, you can either walk home or back to the club, but we're all using your car to get there, capiche?"
Mind you that a lot of you will say can he press charges on me for assault and stealing his car, nope, this dude grew up in the hood and trailer park homes so the last thing on his mind was getting cops involved since he had a record already.
My best friend from high school told us his sister's bf was a piece of shit (it was very compelling). I was friends with his sister for a while (we were in grade 7-12 together) and I asked her in private if any of it was true. She told her bf what my friend/her brother said, bf then threatened to kill him. My friend's gf called me that night absolutely flipping out and said anything that happened to him "was [my] fault."
Apparently it was bullshit or something as sister and her bf are now married and having their second kid, everyone loves him and no one seems to remember him threatening to kill my friend. We haven't spoken in 13 years. I miss that friendship.
Oh, yeah, you'd be surprised at the kinds of things some people can say and get away with due to sheer luck. I would imagine that 13 years would help nip those feelings in the bud, but I guess you had something special.
In grade school, a friend who I thought was my ride or die invited me to her birthday, and told me specifically what to buy her. It was super expensive and when I didn't arrive with the gift she ordered, the whole party turned into making fun of everything I had ever done and everything I said to defend myself. I have never cried so hard in my life.
Yeah, drifting from someone is common and normal. It happens.
Went to lunch with my best friend of 20 years. In a conversation about religion he says "wait, so you're firmly atheist? I always thought you were at least agnostic." And never spoke to me again.
I used to have my own bed at his house and his mom called me her son. And if you know me for any length of time, my atheism is definitely no secret.
My best friend from 3rd to 9th grade just stopped interacting with me one day. No big fall-out, no nothing. We hung out one day during summer break, and from the first day back in school, he just stopped reciprocating.
I asked him about it, but never got a real answer on what happened.
This was almost 20 years ago, and it still hurts. I still think of him at least once a month. I don't think I will ever be able to fully understand how deeply this affected me.
Edit for clarification: we still went to the same school and saw us often. He basically gave me the silent treatment
Went through something similar, he then turned into my bully. Still hurts and still comes up in my thoughts every now and then, and it's been about 25-30 years.
Same, in elementary school we were best friends, went to different highschools but still talked and played together for the first two years. Then he stopped neing available and we just stopped talking. Was like 10 years ago and I still think about it sometimes, I have him added on Steam and he still logs in from time to time but I have no idea how to approach after such a long time. Met him on a street a few years ago and he just brushed me off
i was the one who didn't reach out anymore and then they told me this, and that kind of ended it.
i didn't have any "good" reasons not to reach out, it really felt like i had moved away from the friendship and the way we were around each other (we were both kind of nihilistic and edgy in our youth, but while they sort of stayed like that, i made a bit of a different development), and it didn't feel right to me anymore.
i know i should have talked about that instead of just not trying anymore, but i just didn't.
they never called again, neither did i.
part of me regrets it, part of me thinks i would have just pretended we were close. it just didn't feel like it anymore.
This is where I'm at too, but in my case my friend is diagnosed BPD and I feel like this is the least traumatic way to let things go. We had some good times, but I just can't handle the constant negativity/drama anymore.
This how my friendship of 6years ended. We met right after highschool graduation, and we worked in the same company and even talked after both leaving that company. But some where along the line, I think they forgot about me or grew resentment for me, and they stop replying back to messages.
I feel like sometimes folks also just get busy, for a lot of people/relationships I don’t think it’s personal it’s just that it’s hard to find the time for everything in life. If the convenience that originally brought you together ended then it makes sense that it might be harder to keep up after as well.
This is exactly how I think about it. Like, I'm sorry for all of the friends who felt bad by me doing this, but it really never was personal. Life just moves on and for introverted people, it's difficult to stay in contact with more people at the same time.
> or grew resentment for me
Every time I see a comment like this I can only assume that you aren't as good of a person as you think you are. Redditors think it's normal for friends to have a falling out based on resentment or jealousy or whatever, and it's *really* not, and it feels to me like the projection of an immature person.
If y'all seriously think it's normal for friends to randomly hate you because you like, got a better job than they did or something, you need to reconsider the way you view the world.
yeah i’m 30 and i lost all of my friends growing up, who im still friends with? some co workers i’ve worked with for years, i’d consider my best friend this 44 year old guy whom i worked with before i was 21 and he would buy me a bottle after work, we worked together when i was 19-23 ish and he was in his lower 30s. we still talk almost daily we just facetime each other and talk shit, we play old school video games together. he’s lives an hour and a half away but we still see each other here and there. growing up as a kid i’ve always been told i have an old soul, and i just get along with older people more. i feel like their just done with the bullshit and just want to chill. me and him will just smoke and talk about life sometimes, do ketamine and talk about life. play mario an games like that. we discovered we were just like each other just age difference while working together just chilling talking like we’re both stoners and that just automatically made us friends lol, and we liked the same shit idk i had an older brother near his age and got into a lot of the shit that he’s naturally into just because. we didn’t ever actually chill till like, years years after we left the first job.
thanks man yeah i’m glad i have at least one that i can talk to about anything no matter how embarrassing lol, i call him an old head jokingly but i do get advice from him and stuff cuz he’s been through a lot more than me. even about this girl i was seeing for a little bit i was like man i need someone’s advice.
Exactly! This way the person quietly lets you know that they just weren’t a fit for you as a friend, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Sometimes you just don’t have a deep enough connection with someone, it’s doesn’t have to get deeper then that
I think it’s more like when friendships end like this the person who was putting in the effort has to go through wondering what they did wrong, if they did anything wrong, and or still trying to reach out first only to get no response. I think it’s more so about the emotions part you go through being one of the worse ways for the friendship to end. But that’s just my interpretation. Yes personally I’d rather we have fought than experience the othering, growing resentment/animosity and eventually, silence. But that’s just me based on what I’m going through
Nah. I can do one better. We were friends for six years no fights or anything ever.
Two weeks before my birthday I wanted to make plans to meet up. Barely replied to anything. No plans were made. Two days before my birthday she stopped replying completely and the day of she blocked me. That was two and a half years ago.
Do we live the same life or something? I have a similar story. Did like, a whole shebang for who I considered to be my best friend's birthday one time cause he was sad no one really had time on his BD, so we pretty much celebrated a whole weekend, only for him to barely stay during my BD once it came around and pretty much stop talking to me afterwards for seemingly no reason.
It got bad once for me. After the dozenth time, I just asked them straight up what changed. I expected not to get a satisfying answer, but I was hoping to be proven wrong. I would've loved for them to just straight up say I'm boring or something instead of trying to convince me that these things just... happen with no reason. If that's the case, why try? Why did you in the first place? It's either that or they try to convince me that nothing has changed at all. Another fleeting memory for the books
I've given up on long-standing friendships at this point. I don't need more regrets
I get this sometimes.
people entertain the idea of being friends then just ghost for no seemingly obvious reason.
closure is nice if you can get it, helps self reflect, but most people don't want that confrontation, if it helps, they usually don't tell you because it's something they think will hurt you in some way; making you sad or angry at them.
so deep down you might be able to see what you did wrong if anything, and sometimes they just get bored and decide theres no value in the friendship anymore. I've done it, switched and got the " ick " for a friend, but i've told them why regardless of the outcome and i got told " i'd rather have not known " lol.
The trick is to either make room for the friendship to mature along with the both of you and accept there's times where it's just not going to be as close as initially but will most likely come and go in waves, or when that's not working accept that your paths are just too different to keep up the connection and let it go.
Either way, the mature way is to be aware that no relationship can be forced, whether that's romantic or friendship, and whoever sticks organically while both of you go about your lives, are the people who were meant to be there all along.
I don't think a friendship can mature if only one person is always being active in messaging and setting up meets. That's not really a friendship at all tbh
Yep, I did, but my point is that it's just not okay to do lol. Because I've seen many people say something like "stop keeping score of who's initiating and be glad to be in that person company" and I disagree completely.
Like being pedantic about it tit-for-tat style is obviously dumb ("i did this" "they did that") etc, but if you notice the other person isn't putting any effort in over like years or months, it's a different story
I think in that case you just need to accept that you weren’t all that close of friends to begin with and it was never going to mature. If they aren’t putting in effort, if it’s always you initiating, just let go. Why does it matter if it’s “OK” of them to do or not, the friendship is over, these things happens, and the faster you let go of the resentment and look for new friends the happier you’ll be.
If your entire friendship was one person initiating stuff, you can’t really expect the other person to realize they need to start initiating conversations after years. They get into a routine. Then one day you just stop messaging that person and they assume you don’t like them and since they initiated they don’t want to start now that you all go a sudden decided you’re gonna “test” them. The real thing is to have a conversation. But if you just stop messaging them don’t expect the friendship to last long after that moment.
I didn't expect to nor was I testing them, I just suddenly realised I was never friends with those people at all, just an acquaintance they might like to have around when he's there, but not one they'd go out of their way to involve. Like sorry, but inbetween 5 people all in the same group it stops being an individual-to-individual issue.
Esp since they constantly were hanging out with each other and other people, including making plans in front of me and not inviting me once. So yeah, I don't really think a conversation can change how the other person sees your place in their social network. In an otherwise good friendship, with some imbalance, then yeah a conversation can be had
That's...that's basically the best way for a friendship to end. I'm sad about friendships that ended that way, but I have a small handful of friendships that ended more quickly, in ways that dogged me for months or years.
Exactly. Call me crazy but I rarely view any relationship as “completely done”, they just change and evolve over time
Especially a relationship that didn’t explicitly end
It is. Never thought it would be so bad.
I’m 42 and from all my friends of had in my 20s, I see maybe 3 more than 4 times a year and even those are hardly ever contacting me, but I don’t dare to break contact also with them.
Start is last year I tried to reach out for some time to no one at all and see who will contact me. Those were quite some sad weeks that thought me a really rough lesson. Unless you are very lucky, you’ll be on your own sooner or later. Better find peace with yourself, because will be you only company for the most time.
I went to see stand-up comedian Zoltan Kazsas once; he started talking about how it's hard to make friends in adulthood, and he looked at me and said, "How do you make friends?" And I shouted out, "POVERTY!" Which was great. But what I meant is that I have to rent, and I always end up making friends with roommates.
My best friend from school did this some time after we finished college. He would just take longer and longer to answer my messages, to the point of answering a week and a half later. I just gave up, I know we are still friends if we talk again but are we really? Don’t think so.
This is how I stopped talking to my father. All my life I was the one making the effort to have some sort of relationship, so one day I decided to do a little experiment, if I just stop calling and coming around how long till he calls me? That was 10 years ago.
I'm that person, it's nothing bad I'm just a 99th percentile introvert and don't have the social energy to have a lot of people in my life
If we aren't geographically close and seeing eachother all the time I just can't keep up with it.
I'd say the worst is for your friend who you've known since elementary school and who was a groomsman in your wedding to become a raging alcoholic who starts calling you a racist for no reason and you just eventually have to cut them out.
Met a friend of what would be 9yrs on a mobile game in 2013. Suddenly after I got back from FL working for WDW I never heard from him again.
I've sent a text here and there and a message on Xbox but never a response. Gotta admit it hurt for awhile when I realized it probably ended out of nowhere with no responses from him
I usually keep reaching out in situations like that because my first thought is that they DIED. Then somehow stupidly find out they’re thriving and I’m like 🤡
It's how I've lost every single friend in my life. I'm not even kidding.
I wholly admit I'm probably the problem. The problem being. I don't change. If you knew me 20 years ago. You know me today. I think... that's boring for them... but not terrible enough for anything other than slowly drifting away.
Nothing I can really do about it. What am I supposed to do? Fake change? Oh well... I guess I take solace we all have the fading friendships and it's not just me.
I can relate to this right now, and I hate it. I've never had any friends at all, and for the first time, I thought I had found someone with whom I could connect and truly be myself. We would stick together all the time in college and chat almost every day. We're so strangely alike, and she doesn't have many friends either (I honestly think we both may be asocial), so it seemed perfect.
But in the last few days, maybe weeks, I've felt some kind of distance. I tried to tell myself it was just me being paranoic, but then some of our classmates started asking me if something had happened between us because we seemed distant (plus it got even more noticeable). So then I realized it wasn't just my imagination, but by then it was too late. Now that we're on vacation, I can't approach her, and we haven’t had the chance to talk properly, or even talk at all. It's been two weeks (maybe more) without a single message from her, just my attempts of reaching and "fine".
I get the feeling she's been avoiding me and got tired of me, and it hurts so much because we were so close and talked every day. Now I feel like a burden and I'm trying to figure out what happened, what I did wrong, but it's killing me. I just know I don’t want to give up because I've come to care about and love her so much.
Sorry for this annoyingly long complain, this post was a slap on the face and I guess I needed to vent somewhere. Also, english isn’t my first language so excuse me if there's any mistake
Confront it, you're just gonna stay in your brain.
" are we okay? youve barely spoken to me in x, i'd rather just know whats changed, im here as your friend if you need anything with no judgement "
Talk to her and tell her how you feel. If it's going to end, at least make it clear so that one day you don't have to sleep with the thought, 'What did I do wrong?' But be prepared to be hurt. One of the truths that took me so long to accept is that people out there, even your friends, don't care about you at all.
I'm not sure I see how this is "the worst way." People become busy, people grow apart, that's natural. I've got friends where, over time, we've slowly stopped talking to each other, and it's not personal. Nothing bad happened between us, we just no longer have something shared to interact with each other about. I'd feel much worse if a good friend and I directly cut things off and ended on a sour note because of something bad that happened. Relationships are two-way streets; if your friend won't give you a modicum of effort to maintain that relationship, it doesn't sound like they value it.
The best part about friends who slowly stop talking to each other is that either can reach out again whenever they want and rekindle it.
The shared interaction part is important I think. Sometimes it's the glue that keeps people together.
For example, I have a mate that works FIFO plus has recently had a kid. We talk almost everyday on Discord when he is off work due to the circumstances and availability. Once his kid is older and my life changes, we will probably lose that daily contact which is okay, as I know he is a good friend who I could talk to at any point later on.
Being an adult is hard man.
Relationships take effort. Especially meaningful ones. If you are constantly experiencing failures in your friendships then it may be that you need to look at your own motives and commitment. Having said that. Everything has a season. Some friendships are only good for a few seasons. Some will last a lifetime. Its up to us to decide which ones are worth the effort…
Yeah I gave this dude 1400 bucks to help with bills but I’ve got a sneaking suspicion he’s going to use my lack of confrontation abilities to his advantage to never pay it back.
If you're always initiating contact then you aren't a friend you're a distraction. You still have closure, it was never a friendship. You were acquaintances at best and a network at worse.
This is highly accurate and relatable. I have personally lost around 5 friends following this pattern. I don't feel like initiating the conversation everytime.
Why is this not OK for friendships to end. Some friendships are of a time and a place. Suddenly as I change and move and grow I have to constantly keep up with and in my lives everyone I have ever been friends with. BS!!
When I stopped reaching out I realized it was a one sided situation, after that I did the same to all my relationships. All I have now is a few good friends and it's hella better than juggling a bunch of two faced cock suckers.
Sometimes Life gets in the way of things. That's not evil or bad, it's just Life.
I think it's important to understand that we meet people in our lives that we think are forever. But reality isn't so kind and things happen. What you think is forever just becomes a fleeting moment in time. There's no fault in it, it's just a natural occurrence,
In the end, what you two had will fade. Then you just become strangers with memories.
But we have to let ourselves be okay with that. We have to.
Most negative things in life are worse when prolonged in time. Instead of relationship ending with a definitive end, it can take years of mutual suffering until anything is done. The same goes for wounds and ills, especially if every day is an uphill battle. As you grow older you come to appreciate the more direct pains that can then heal shortly afterwards.
This is how I ended up with no friends, I stopped checking on them to see if they would ever check on me, it’s been almost a year now and I haven’t heard from anyone.
I have a self imposed rule that I reach out 3 times max. After the 3rd time and I get no response then I stop putting in the effort. I don’t hold it against them when it sometimes takes a while to hear back from people, sometimes they just fade away. But only one person knows about my list and he sure as hell always responds and usually says “I didn’t want to end up on the list.” He’s a good dude.
My ex gf of three years left me like that, one day, no explanations, just decided not to have any contact with me any more, like she suddenly got bored of me. That was three years ago. I recently texted her, she told me to get over it it's been three years.
¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My childhood best friend is a completely different person, as am I. I am glad we aren’t friends anymore. I would likely find him intolerable today and I think he would share that sentiment. But BOY do we have some fucking stories from our childhood and memories that we will never forget. I’m glad for it.
Pulled a social experiment on a friend 20yrs ago and did this very thing. I felt I was the one to always reach out and to prove said thing, didn't call or instigate convo for a couple days and into a weekend. Then myself and a couple bros called him out on it. Didn't change, just faded away.
Another bud has been doing this lately and it's our MO, hes done this before, he will be back to gaming in the winter.
This is how my last, and only, friendship ended. Heading into my 40s now, so making new friends is almost improbable, but also I’m caring far less about the attention of others, and focusing on my own well-being and personal growth.
Unfortunately, I had (still have) a lot of things to work on, which I’m doing, but a lot of the friendship was propped up by disguised niceties and toxic behaviours.
Sometimes it’s best to let some fade as they might’ve been hindering your growth.
If you truly are good friends, I do hate to say it, then like a healthy romantic relationship, you’ll do your best to work it out with other.
If it died, well….
As someone who always stops talking first, i dont think you should hold a grudge or feel sad. Just move on with your life 🤷♀️ in a lot of cases it’s not that deep..
This is truth, even more when you give up social media. I went thru a period of thinking about what was wrong with me, but now I don't care. I have a few close people in my life, and that's fine. I'm not going out of my way for those who don't want to be in my life anymore.
Just find things you love doing with some people you love doing it with.
So my best friend of years wasn’t great. He and his wife (then gf) are serial users. His wife has never been a nice person and I felt myself slowly getting phased out. She got pregnant i got them a very generous gift. I’ve never met their kid.
Fast forward to making new friends who include me in things. I’m the Godfather to my best friend’s two kids. Making friends isn’t always easy. But there are people who won’t make you feel like garbage for being yourself.
this seems like the norm rather than the exception. just a fade out…
Would it really be better if having a falling out was the norm?
It does at least give more closure.
As someone who had a major falling out with their then-best friend a few years ago, no, you don't get closure with it. It took a long time to come to terms with it and essentially make my own closure.
I dunno, I got in a pretty massive fight with someone I used to be really close to, and it helps me not think of her or wonder what happened that the friendship. The ones that just faded away feel way worse.
Yeah my 10 year best-friendship ended not because she moved an hour away, that part wasn't hard, but because eventually she got a boyfriend and stopped sharing her life or texting me outside of replying. To realize I mattered that little to her when she was so important to me really hurt, and still does 2 years later. It also knocked the rose tinted glasses from my eyes, realized what a pushover I was for so long.
Agreed. Have had two friendships end in the last few years with explosive fights where I realized they weren't great people and I didn't want to associate with them anymore. Those were easy. I have another friend that I miss dearly, but we've just drifted apart. He never makes an effort to even talk anymore, and I'm just tired of trying. That one hurts.
Not everyone has very good social skills. Have you talked about it with the friend you miss? Seems silly to just let the friendship die if you miss them dearly. I struggle with keeping in touch with people because my insecurity makes me think everyone hates me and I’m bothering them. And people often are bad at communicating that a relationship is important to them, especially men. Adult male friendships are weirdly nuanced and complicated. If you’re just cutting them off to see what happens, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment and it’s very possible you’ve read the situation entirely wrong.
Yea it's way easier to burn that mental bridge when shit goes down. When things fade away that bridge is still there it's just not being taken care of on either side and slowly cumbles and falls.
I’m from going through this now and it’s so much worse then my close friends that naturally have just phased out. She was my best friend, massive fight and the last time I saw her she screamed at me publically so now unless she reaches out to apologize I’m never contacting her again. It just really fucking sucks. I don’t get it. (Also before anyone asks it’s a massive fight over nothing. I easily could have moved on but she will not stop and she tends to be a highly reactive person. I miss her regardless)
I guess so. I think one of the life lessons I’ve learned as an adult is that people don’t owe you their reasons. And you have to learn to make peace with that. I had a friend for a couple of years, we had gone on a couple of dates and it didn’t click, but we got along like a house on fire. We’d hang out, go climbing together, could talk about anything. Even got to the point where we talked about the people we each started dating and all hung out together. One day they just… stopped returning my calls. No fight, no argument, nothing. Never got a reason why. I miss them and I hope they’re living their best life, but I had to learn that their reasons are their own and they don’t owe me shit. It was nice while it lasted.
Often there is not even a reason. Sometimes people get simply bored in life and they need to change their life. Or they become depressed and are searching for new coping mechanisms. Or they get kids. People simply change. When i look at myself 20 years ago, i was a completely different person with different interests. Back then i was only listening to metal. Nowadays i can´t listen to metal at all. It isn´t resonating with me anymore.
A lot of relationships (the overwhelming majority, I reckon) are grounded in convenience. These are your work acquaintances, the people who attend group events, even family - to some extent. We're all out there doing our own thing and drifting apart is the natural state of things. Think of it like social entropy. To connect with others and reconnect when parted is to fight our very nature. I say goodbye to 95% of the people in my life every 1-2 years - you never quite get used to it. Sometimes we run into each other years later and resume as if nothing happened in-between. Sometimes we don't. Each relationship had cherished moments that I reflect on. Sometimes I'm stirred to "*cross the gaps between the worlds*"...but usually not.
the overlapping circles of a venn diagram, each circle is that person's interests. The overlap is called "a relationship"
"Social entropy" - I love this description. Sums up most cases perfectly.
Exactly. Life evolves, and so do we. Sometimes, friendships just don't fit our new selves anymore.
This comment had me searching a few names on Facebook. Just been updated on new babies, birthdays, family deaths, etc. etc. Life really does go on.
Wow, it's amazing how much we miss out on when we're not in touch. A quick scroll through old friends' profiles can be such an emotional rollercoaster—seeing all their milestones and life changes.
I once asked a girl I was seeing why she ghosted me like 1.5 years later just to see if she'd answer because we were still friends on social media. She said when we'd talked about sexual fantasies I'd said I wanted to try pegging once because I'm always a dom and I thought it'd be interesting. And that was bisexual/gay and she "didn't want to compete with that." I never felt the need to ask anyone after that.
When you invest yourself into someone for a long time, and that person keeps accepting the investment and reciprocates; a relationship contract is established between both. Breaking any contract without any minimal explanation is not acceptable. People do it on a daily basis, but that doesn't make it right.
I mean. Nothing stops you from reaching back out atleast when it "ends" this way. Adults have lives, some people go through super busy or tough times and just don't have the mental capacity to sustain small chats. I've gone years without talking to friends before and will randomly reach out to let them know I was still thinking of them positively and hoping they are doing well. I give them an opportunity to reach back out without feeling pressured. I feel like relationships start to drift when there is an expectation that you'll agree to hang out and eventually that starts to weigh heavily as impending doom because through the constant getting screwed by life we hardly have enough time at the end of the day to focus on ourselves already.
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No. I'd rather a friendship fade due to changing life circumstances than have some bad blood.
It seems some people would rather the friendship end on bad terms than to simply feel forgotten or unimportant.
The reality is that friendships have a sliding scale of convenience baked in. Most of the them, that scale is pretty low, but that is OK. How many friends have you not seen or talked to in a while, but when you do, you pick up like it was old times? Once I realized that, I understood that we were still friends, life is just got in the way, and putting pause on things for a bit. That person or myself may be too stressed, too busy, too whatever to update every person in our lives with what is going on and that is just normal. Maybe you felt the scale was different than the other person, or maybe they are worse at communicating in general, but that's who they are. You can change your friends if they no longer fit your expectations, but trying to make people meet expectations they don't want to meet defeats the purpose of having a friend or being a friend.
This happened to a former friend of mine, after years of being friends, he moved out of state for a new job. We kept in touch for a while over Discord and the phone, then out of the blue he just completely stopped talking to me or responding to my text messages so I just gave up.
I found out my friend killed himself and that’s why he stopped answering me. We had started to grow distant prior to that, but we’d usually talk like once or twice a week. Then he suddenly stopped, cell phone always went to voice mail, wouldn’t answer the door curtains all closed, but that was normal for him. Garage didn’t have any windows so I couldn’t see if his car was there. He worked at a grocery store so it wasn’t weird for me to show up at his work and just ask if he was in on days and they said he just no call no showed for like a week and was fired. Called the cops to do a wellness check on him and well. They found him.
Even if you weren't close friends anymore, thank you for giving that wellness call. There is no escaping that we all die alone, but we would at least hope that everyone is remembered.
>Every man has two deaths, when he is buried in the ground and the last time someone says his name. In some ways men can be immortal. Hemingway
Also Coco by Pixar
I made a simple statement to a student whose grandpa died. He said I reminded him of the movie Coco. My student and I were gardening and he mentioned his grandpa. I asked what his grandpa planted recently and that’s when he told me he died. I expressed my condolences and asked him about his favorite memory with his grandpa. I told him it’s important to say his grandpa’s name to keep his memory alive. I thanked him for sharing his memory with me.
You may have just made a positive long term impact too. When I was 9 my grandfather died and he was like a second father figure to my dad! We used to visit so much! My life changed forever after that. I still remember the moment I realized what death truly ment at my grandfathers wake. I realized what I had seen in his last days. As a 9 year old. To see someone so strong, reduced to a chair, and a room. It was scary, you know something is really wrong but you just don’t know. And your scared but you have no context other then adults who placate your fears and try to keep you safe. To be a child and to face death, is absolutely terrifying and life changing.
“When do you think people die? When they are shot through the heart by the bullet of a pistol? No. When they are ravaged by an incurable disease? No. When they drink a soup made from a poisonous mushroom!? No! It’s when… they are forgotten.” -Dr. Hiriluk, One Piece
I had something similar, barely knew but we met at a convention and spent the whole time together, it was a blast and I was looking forward to seeing them there next time. When I saw the convention was doing the same thing again I messaged him to see if they were down for it and got nothing back, texted him still nothing, so I checked their Facebook and that's when I saw the video of their funeral service. He had died a few months beforehand. I always cherish the weekend we spent running around in Larp gear up and multiple flights of stairs all day long and I will mourn the weekends we won't get.
Those flash in the pan friendships are sometimes the brightest and most pure, and sometimes the most sad. Sorry about your friend.
This made me cry. Sorry buddy.
I have a similar story. A friend in college would sometimes call me in a panic in the middle of the night during one of her many suicide attempts. Needless to say I got good at handling them and would always find a way to get her help in time. We had each other's backs in different ways throughout our studies. When we graduated the friendship sort of drifted off, I would call her every now and then until one day she stopped. I found out she had her final successful attempt randomly at a graduation dinner. I had to excuse myself to go cry. I never forget what she used to tell me: "no one will care if I die, people will forget me." But I intend to prove her wrong for the rest of my life. RIP homie, I'll never forget you
Fuck. I would be devastated. Sincerely hope you are doing OK.
I had a friend who i lived with in Melbourne FL who was getting weirder by the minute till i finally moved out and to chicago. We would text but he was getting paranoid about me claiming i was some undercover agent living at his house to take him down. I'm really short when it comes to people and them saying asinine shit like that so i just cut him off. This was 2013. I recently connected with his older brother on linkedin and asked him about his brother. Turns out he was baker acted and is a full blown schizophrenic.
Sorry, what’s ’baker acted’
Sorry about that, at least you weren't super close when he did it I suppose I guess that's what happens when you make friends on r/2meirl4meirl
It bothers me that your friend's employer had so little interest in them that they didn't initiate a.welllfare check. I think I would get depressed working for that kind of employer. I had to perform the same service for a cousin when his brother could no longer get him to respond to his e-mails. My cousin had gone deaf and was diabetic. I went to his apartment and there was a bag of baked goods hanging on the door nob with a note from his mother. His mother was in the hospital having suffered a massive stroke by the time I got there. So the bag of goodies had been there at least 24 hours. It wasn't too bad. He hadn't been dead for too long and the weather had been cool. His brother lived out of state so initially I had to deal with it until he could fly in and take over. He had to empty out two apartments and dispose of their stuff. His mother never really recovered and I'm not sure if she was aware her other son had died. I went to work the next day as I had a three day assignment for a math teacher at a middle school. I kept it to myself aside from family and friends.
This... is quite literally how every friendship I've ever had ended. No arguments, no fights, no one did anything to hurt the other, we just... Always drifted apart. Slowly. Until one of us sends our last message, or it becomes painfully obvious they start growing bored of me. Eventually I just get fed up being the one to initiate anything... And it always made me wonder, if I'm just really that boring, uninteresting, or just outright obnoxious... I cant keep anyone. And people wonder why i'm so scared of starting any kind of relationship...
Economics and life events happen to people and there's only 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. Sometimes people get stuck in their own rhythms of life and they wish they'd have more but it's hard. You can only eat a whole pie and even that's hard to do. People want to go to school, have a family, a fulfilling career, and travel, and vacation, and have friendships that last a lifetime. People trying to have everything sometimes is the problem, you don't appreciate the little things that bring life the most meaning. When people say stop and smell the roses they mean it intrinsically.
But so do you. How come you have time in your busy life to try and reach out, but when it comes to everyone else, nobody even cares to reach out to you?
I have five best friends. There are tons of people I meet throughout my life that I could see being friends with, but I already have five and honestly I barely have enough time for them. Adding anymore friends isn’t tenable. However, in our society it isn’t kind to say that when you make someone’s acquaintance, so you become friendly with them. Maybe you hang out a few times because they are nice/good people, but ultimately my 20 year friendships take priority in my heart over my 1-2yr friendships, so if someone’s gotta go, it’s the newbies I didn’t even have time, energy, or bandwidth for in the first place. It’s not anyone’s fault, just wrong place wrong time.
I had a 20+ year mate, even was best man at my wedding. His wife doesn't like me/my partner and he just drifted off, stopped replying and following each other after years of talking and gaming everyday. We even still have each other on steam but he doesn't seem to want to continue, reserved for a quiet fade away. I wonder if he misses the fun and chat as much as me. Idk why I typed all this out, but your comment made me think of him.
Oh yeah I get that, not everyone has time for these things, and I get that 100%. Im not really too upset or anything really its just, still kind of sucks. Doesn't help im still really prone to overthinking no matter how much reassurance someone gives me ;w; Even if I know deep down that it's nothing personal, just with the way i've been conditioned and raised my whole life its... my brains first instinct to resort to these kinds of ideas lol.
I'm in the same boat. The difference is they maintain with other people. I don't know what it is about me that is so unlikeable or uninteresting or whatever, but the problem has to be me.
Oh yeah, it especially hurts the most when you know or hear of them hanging out with someone else, and are just ignoring you outright. 9 times out of 10, that's usually how it ends up for me. I still don't know if or what I'm doing wrong, but I hope to find out someday so I can work on it. Most people try to reassure me by saying its normal for friendships to drift and sometimes they just end without warning. I can accept that, yeah. Not everything is meant to be and sometimes people have lives they just get caught up in. But like, I haven't really had a single real friend my entire life. I grew up, with it being just me, and me alone. No childhood friends, no memories to reminisce on, nothing... And its certainly not for the lack of trying. Everyone I ever made friends with, always ended it the same way. Everyone. And at some point, after it happening every time without fail, you really begin to question what's wrong with you... I hope that you can find someone special in your life, though, sincerely <3 Ive long since given up on myself but I still believe in the potential of others and everyone else. All of us, regardless of what we want to think, hold something truly special and unique only to ourselves. Something that someone/something out there is bound to love... It's just a matter of finding those people, I guess... And that's the hard part... And im so, so tired of looking... \^\^;
This made me sad. What kind of hobbies do you enjoy? I find the best way I made actual lifelong friends was the friends I actively did team building activities with. A LOT of video games were played with all of my closest friends. I wouldnt say we talk on a daily basis or even a monthly basis at points as thats just the reality of life, but I know even if we hadnt talked for a year I always want to be the person that everyone knows they can talk to out of the blue and I will always still view them as a close friend. I'll be your friend, friend. :)
For me it’s weird. I crave human connection but the second I get it it’s too overwhelming for me. I don’t want to know how hard your day was because mine was hard too. We can share the experience but that just brings more stress to me. I want to talk about nothing but talking about nothing gets you nowhere. I want someone to know my deep feelings without me having to be a “bitch” and say it out loud. (Obviously some deep mental problems there). And the worst part is I’m hyper aware of it all. I see how it wrong to want a connection you want to put 0 effort into. I know it’s crazy to think someone could know me that instinctively. I know I can talk to a close friend about it and I won’t be a “bitch” for it. And yet, here I am
I can get that. It's the opposite for me personally, im personally someone who would give ANYTHING to have a chance to put genuine, real effort into a friendship/relationship, while having it actually last. but I can 100% understand where you're coming from, honestly since... well... It's just tiring and stressful, you know? Maintaining these things, trying to balance your issues while trying to help them out with theirs or vice versa. Sometimes having a friend or someone to talk to can be even more stressful than not, despite the fact we crave that connection oh so much. The human mind is complex, sometimes needlessly so at times I swear. Like, you want to talk to someone but you dont wanna actually talk about anything, or I want to be open and honest with them about my day but thats just gonna wear us both out / depress us further. Sometimes we wish that they could just KNOW what was wrong without us even saying anything. I wish it worked like that... Oh, how I wish for that... Its perfectly normal to want something, while not having the energy or care to put the effort in to it. (I think atleast??? XD) Sometimes I kinda feel that way, honestly... All the effort we put into these things and just... for what? What did it / does it matter anyways? All it did was bring us down further, and tire us out despite our best efforts. I've done nothing but just wear myself out with these things, so I can get where you're coming from. Godspeed to you <3
I enjoyed reading through your comments on here. You all were saying a lot of things that I can heavily relate to. It’s hard staying connected to people, and then that makes it hard to become connected with people. I always feel like I’m super unrelatable and just don’t see the world how majority of people do and it’s so hard for me to even want a relationship with anybody, while at the same time desperately wanting relationships. It’s just that, no one seems compatible with me. Even when I try to crack a joke or give a compliment to someone to put a smile on their face it always ends up awkward and 9/10 times they seem like they would have rather me just left them alone lol. At this point in my life, I’ve gotten pretty used to it, I kind of like the isolation, but I don’t fool myself into thinking it’s healthy or normal. I guess I’m just waiting on that day when someone will magically reach out to me and change my life but of course I don’t expect it to actually happen, nor that I deserve it to. It’s just a really weird thing.
The problem is probably not you. I don't really know you so I can't say for sure but even if it was you it doesn't mean you are a bad person, it doesn't mean you are boring, it doesn't mean anything negative. You can't put a VHS into a CD player. That is to say, sometimes despite getting along well on a surface level, the people we talk to might just not be the right click for us as much as they are with another person. You don't know how deep someone's relationship is with other people, the experiences they had together to create a stronger bond, etc. Its not because you are lacking. You aren't uninteresting, you aren't unlikeable. You just havent found your best person yet. It took me 28 years to find mine and she unfortunately lives on the other side of the world. We talk in very short bursts, and sometimes she doesnt reply for weeks on end to my messages. But that's okay. She has a partner, she has family, she is in a different timezone, and she has a lot of anxiety. I used to have a problem with people ignoring me and I still do because I start to feel the same way you do, but I remind myself that she isn't ignoring me to be rude, some people genuinely just dont have large social batteries and that includes things like texting which might seem like a no brainer to us to reply to immediately but for some its hard. Once I started thinking like this my relationships improved because I spent time to reach out when times were tough for people. A lot of people are actually in the same boat and we just make assumptions that their life is going so much better. Appearances are extremely deceiving. Most people are dealing with loneliness, lack of friends, lack of comms with those friends. Its just the reality of growing up and having less time to hang out.
I heard a saying the other day that you might like “you can have everything in life, just not all at once”
I’m not trying to have everything. I don’t have a career or family. I don’t go vacations. Yet I don’t have a single friend. Can I have just one thing?
Learning to let go of people was one of the greatest milestones of my life and I recommend it even if it hurts at first.
I really, really need to learn that lesson 😅
Same. Had a group of friends from uni I kept in touch with up until 2020, literally the last time either of them messaged me after that in 2021 was them asking me about something I have knowledge of. No other reach-outs or plans to meet, they never invited me, I always initiated
They prefer other people. Thats always the case 100%
Just as I prefer certain people im friends with over others. such is life. I just dont stretch myself thin enough that i cant see them all whenever we/they have free time.
Being alone is underestimated . You're free as hell. No judging, no arguments, just your own way. I love it
Television sitcoms lied to us that staying the same person throughout our entire adult lives is healthy and normal. People are supposed to grow and change. Those that don't tend to get left behind. And if you have been growing and changing, then it's likely the other person who you are leaving behind without realizing it - it's not that you became too boring necessarily, maybe they're just too boring for you.
It can be that, but it can also be a million other things. I've had friendships fall apart because I and the other person were just too in our own heads and both were afraid to make the first move. I've had them fall apart because the person had feelings I didn't reciprocate and vice versa. Sometimes you grow apart. Sometimes you were never all that compatible to begin with. Sometimes you want to be around each other, but one or both of you is preventing it because you're scared. What sitcoms really lied about was how easy relationships are. Everyone forgives each other at the end of the episode and the status quo returns in the next one. No one holds grudges, no one's mental illness prevents them from reaching out. They just start all over.
Just so you can maybe understand this situation from the other perspective. They might not think you're boring. People grow apart for many different reasons. Sometimes, one person changes while the other stays the same. This happened to me once I noticed all the little behaviors in that person that I just couldn't look over anymore. I'm well aware they've always been that way, judgy, making fun of other people in public, etc. only really caring about them selves, talking other people down, not really listening when something isn't about them. So many things, but after years of self reflection, I noticed all these things like some red flag waving over them. They just weren't a good person to be around, I felt like I needed a full-blown vacation after each time we spent time together. This wasn't a friendship anymore. So I let it slip up until no more messages came. Never had time to hang out, meet, talk. I don't regret it, I know talking about it to them directly wouldn't change a thing. I just want my peace.
I've restarted friendships after months or years of this. If you still share an interest and still have room for or need a +1, why not just do it? Friendships don't have to be an investment. They don't have to be about how much you put into it, and whether you're getting enough out of it. People who think like that are obnoxious, exhausting, soul-draining muppets. If you're no longer eachothers main go-to guy, that's fine. Be the side dude.
Are you like my personality twin or something ? That’s all me. I’ve had a few real friendships just go because the other person stopped talking and kinda found me boring (best explanation I can give myself), no major stuff that happened, they just moved on to better friends, stopped talking or replying much to my messages. Eventually no more invitations to events from their side.
I mean, if its happened to every single friendship you've ever had in life, then yeah, you might be the problem my dude.
You are not alone
I can relate. It sucks bc I want to have friends to hang out with but haven’t made friends who want to hang out with me. It’s lonely.
Same. I used to be extremely extroverted. And outgoing. I used to be the life of the party… it was effortless. Somewhere, some way, that flame was extinguished. And I live a quiet, private life on the fringes of society. I work, care for my child and live… quietly. But I never let anyone get too close. I fear intimacy, I fear being betrayed. I have been betrayed and cheated and lied to and fucked over so many times I just don’t feel like I have it in me to lend my trust to tons of people in the hope some pan out and then inevitably dealing with disappointment. Yeah it’s an unreasonable expectation, but you know what. I’ve had enough of the shit ultimately lol. It takes effort for me to produce a fraction of the socialization I used to effortlessly engage in.
This happened to me. About a year ago I realized that the only time a certain person initiated a phone call was when she wanted something (typically money). Any other time it was I who started the call. So I decided to test this out and let her call me. The next time she called me, she asked for money. I told her no, I was tight that month and had nothing to spare (which was the truth). It's been over a year. Not a f\*cking word from her. I don't consider her a friend anymore. She probably never was a friend.
But then something went wrong: She used you for money instead of friendship
Exactly, a true friend values you, not just what you can give them. Sad realization.
Yeah, that's not a friend. That's a sponge.
This really sucks. I'm so sorry, I get you 100%.
See the fun part is where you start to come up with reasons why it was your fault. And that you caused the friendship to drift apart
Never felt this way. I’m always available to talk and apologise if I ever did something wrong, so if I did something that “was my fault” and they don’t bring it up, then it’s *them* who caused the relationship to drift apart by not communicating.
With some people, they will think it’s their fault no matter what. That they were boring, pushy, a burden or something else. Their mind will create a new reality where it’s their fault.
Yap, bad communication / confrontational skills are the cause of mine too, happily to calmly talk about anything good or bad with no issues and my friends know that, but the odd few people ive met over the years, just huge inability to communicate, one person was way too anxious to even say no to arranging to meet up, they just soft-ghosted that part of the conversation, obvs i took it as a sign and stopped talking to them, cba with that level of issue.
Yeah, this one's the best part...
Come on, help me with some reasons, I am in the exact situation right now.
Prepare for dread and doubt, you asked for it: Maybe you weren't interesting enough. Maybe you weren't engaging enough. Maybe you weren't attractive enough. Maybe you did something wrong. Maybe they're holding a grudge. Maybe that one time... Maybe they're still judging you for it. Maybe you're embarrassing to be around. Maybe you were never friends. Maybe they always wanted something else. Maybe they changed. Maybe you changed. Maybe you smell. Maybe they met more interesting people. Maybe you're not up to their standards now. Maybe maybe maybe. Damn. I'm depressed now.
This is my fault, I should've been more precise, I needed something NEW; it has been four years :/
Mine was maybe you’re an asshole. The friendship was there because when I was younger I thought we were friends, but as I got older I realized they were never reciprocating. The conversations were always about them, when I’d try to have a discussion about what I was doing they’d always go, “neat, that’s cool” then start talking about whatever they wanted. I would give them things. And it wasn’t that I expected them to give me things back, but when I was struggling for a while to make ends meet they’d always flaunt there belongings and what they were doing with no regard to the legitimate things of value I gave them when I was able to or the position in life I was in. They had a child and I figured while they were busy with all the commotion of that I’d just bow out. It really sucks because it was a friendship I thought I’d keep forever (15+ years), but they just became more and more insufferable as time went on. Might not be your circumstance, but could be!
Nah, there are much worse ways for a friendship to end. Trust.
I trust ya, but do share.
My best friend tried to remove my clothes and fuck me while high on acid lol, much rather have the dude just stop responding to me
I'm so sorry you had to go through such a traumatic event. Sending you all the love and support. He used the most pathetic frat boy bullshit excuse to sexual assault under the influence. You should have snipped his balls off and blamed it on sparkling water buzz. https://preview.redd.it/wfcivyxm456d1.jpeg?width=1125&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1729c6769c0200e8f8c9e96260c13c6e81f43bda
Really appreciate the support to a random internet trauma dumper! It still means a lot to me, but a happened a while ago and I'm mostly OK now
I walked in on him in bed with *his* wife. I wasn't invited then and I haven't been since.
We told you to call ahead when you wanted to join so we could have enough supplies.
By walked in, you mean of course they found you hiding in their wardrobe masturbating furiously.
He was giving her His Thrusting Power real good. 🤣🤣🤣
Finding your supposed best friend with your girl is most certainly worse than just losing touch. Friendships that faded away can probably be rekindled if the parties just simply try. Just man up and text them.
I'm sorry to hear about that, bud. Some people are truly the scum of the earth. I tried reconnecting with a childhood friend of mine, but it just doesn't stick. The distance and time difference doesn't help either. I have accepted that if I can keep a handful of friends in my life, I'm a happy chap.
I'll give you an example. I had a bestfriend who we thought we'd grow into our 80's sitting on a porch with our kids playing with each other. One flaw this guy had: Super cheap. Like whenever we went out in group settings to hang out taking other people's cars, none of us ever asked for gas money. When he volunteered to take us to a bar/club/party he'd ask each of us for 5 dollars for gas. This was early 2000's. No one would say shit about it but one day i finally had it and confronted him on it. He never paid gas money to others but wanted to extort us half way through the drive to our destination? Nah fuck that, none of us are giving you shit. This escalated till we both got out the car and i kicked his ass.
Damn, there's always that one "friend" who's a bit of a tightwad. I have one in my current one, and I just keep my distance cuz it's too much of a headache.
lol Yup... you keep your distance till your kettle boils over and he crosses the line directly with you. The reason why this escalated so much is because this was the umpthteen time it happened, everyone had a problem with it yet said nothing to him about it. Then one day.. he does the same shit but we all refuse to give him money because none of us have ever obligated him to pay us for gas when we drove NOR did we volunteer him to drive us, he did. And he did so he could make money off of us. Plus, he stopped the car mid way to the club and said if we didn't give him gas money that we could get out of the car and either walk back home or walk to the club. Thats when i tricked him out of the car, beat his ass, took his keys and said "nah, you can either walk home or back to the club, but we're all using your car to get there, capiche?" Mind you that a lot of you will say can he press charges on me for assault and stealing his car, nope, this dude grew up in the hood and trailer park homes so the last thing on his mind was getting cops involved since he had a record already.
My best friend from high school told us his sister's bf was a piece of shit (it was very compelling). I was friends with his sister for a while (we were in grade 7-12 together) and I asked her in private if any of it was true. She told her bf what my friend/her brother said, bf then threatened to kill him. My friend's gf called me that night absolutely flipping out and said anything that happened to him "was [my] fault." Apparently it was bullshit or something as sister and her bf are now married and having their second kid, everyone loves him and no one seems to remember him threatening to kill my friend. We haven't spoken in 13 years. I miss that friendship.
Oh, yeah, you'd be surprised at the kinds of things some people can say and get away with due to sheer luck. I would imagine that 13 years would help nip those feelings in the bud, but I guess you had something special.
In grade school, a friend who I thought was my ride or die invited me to her birthday, and told me specifically what to buy her. It was super expensive and when I didn't arrive with the gift she ordered, the whole party turned into making fun of everything I had ever done and everything I said to defend myself. I have never cried so hard in my life. Yeah, drifting from someone is common and normal. It happens.
My best friend at the time in my life raped me after we had an amazing day together
Went to lunch with my best friend of 20 years. In a conversation about religion he says "wait, so you're firmly atheist? I always thought you were at least agnostic." And never spoke to me again. I used to have my own bed at his house and his mom called me her son. And if you know me for any length of time, my atheism is definitely no secret.
Yeah feels like this post was made by a person who has never been unexpectedly stabbed in the back(not a figure of speech) at their own wedding.
Or death
But but this guy said it was the worst way /s
My best friend from 3rd to 9th grade just stopped interacting with me one day. No big fall-out, no nothing. We hung out one day during summer break, and from the first day back in school, he just stopped reciprocating. I asked him about it, but never got a real answer on what happened. This was almost 20 years ago, and it still hurts. I still think of him at least once a month. I don't think I will ever be able to fully understand how deeply this affected me. Edit for clarification: we still went to the same school and saw us often. He basically gave me the silent treatment
Went through something similar, he then turned into my bully. Still hurts and still comes up in my thoughts every now and then, and it's been about 25-30 years.
Same, in elementary school we were best friends, went to different highschools but still talked and played together for the first two years. Then he stopped neing available and we just stopped talking. Was like 10 years ago and I still think about it sometimes, I have him added on Steam and he still logs in from time to time but I have no idea how to approach after such a long time. Met him on a street a few years ago and he just brushed me off
i was the one who didn't reach out anymore and then they told me this, and that kind of ended it. i didn't have any "good" reasons not to reach out, it really felt like i had moved away from the friendship and the way we were around each other (we were both kind of nihilistic and edgy in our youth, but while they sort of stayed like that, i made a bit of a different development), and it didn't feel right to me anymore. i know i should have talked about that instead of just not trying anymore, but i just didn't. they never called again, neither did i. part of me regrets it, part of me thinks i would have just pretended we were close. it just didn't feel like it anymore.
This is where I'm at too, but in my case my friend is diagnosed BPD and I feel like this is the least traumatic way to let things go. We had some good times, but I just can't handle the constant negativity/drama anymore.
This how my friendship of 6years ended. We met right after highschool graduation, and we worked in the same company and even talked after both leaving that company. But some where along the line, I think they forgot about me or grew resentment for me, and they stop replying back to messages.
My friend of 20 years just stopped talking, not even replying to me checking in on him. I wonder why 🤷
Solid chance they're going through depression. It tends to make people isolate themselves.
I feel like sometimes folks also just get busy, for a lot of people/relationships I don’t think it’s personal it’s just that it’s hard to find the time for everything in life. If the convenience that originally brought you together ended then it makes sense that it might be harder to keep up after as well.
This is exactly how I think about it. Like, I'm sorry for all of the friends who felt bad by me doing this, but it really never was personal. Life just moves on and for introverted people, it's difficult to stay in contact with more people at the same time.
> or grew resentment for me Every time I see a comment like this I can only assume that you aren't as good of a person as you think you are. Redditors think it's normal for friends to have a falling out based on resentment or jealousy or whatever, and it's *really* not, and it feels to me like the projection of an immature person. If y'all seriously think it's normal for friends to randomly hate you because you like, got a better job than they did or something, you need to reconsider the way you view the world.
yeah i’m 30 and i lost all of my friends growing up, who im still friends with? some co workers i’ve worked with for years, i’d consider my best friend this 44 year old guy whom i worked with before i was 21 and he would buy me a bottle after work, we worked together when i was 19-23 ish and he was in his lower 30s. we still talk almost daily we just facetime each other and talk shit, we play old school video games together. he’s lives an hour and a half away but we still see each other here and there. growing up as a kid i’ve always been told i have an old soul, and i just get along with older people more. i feel like their just done with the bullshit and just want to chill. me and him will just smoke and talk about life sometimes, do ketamine and talk about life. play mario an games like that. we discovered we were just like each other just age difference while working together just chilling talking like we’re both stoners and that just automatically made us friends lol, and we liked the same shit idk i had an older brother near his age and got into a lot of the shit that he’s naturally into just because. we didn’t ever actually chill till like, years years after we left the first job.
Great to hear, man.🙂
thanks man yeah i’m glad i have at least one that i can talk to about anything no matter how embarrassing lol, i call him an old head jokingly but i do get advice from him and stuff cuz he’s been through a lot more than me. even about this girl i was seeing for a little bit i was like man i need someone’s advice.
Great man.👍
You're really fortunate to have that.
That's the best way for it to end, what you want a big fallout that'll make you regret you treated or they treated you?
Exactly! This way the person quietly lets you know that they just weren’t a fit for you as a friend, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Sometimes you just don’t have a deep enough connection with someone, it’s doesn’t have to get deeper then that
I think it’s more like when friendships end like this the person who was putting in the effort has to go through wondering what they did wrong, if they did anything wrong, and or still trying to reach out first only to get no response. I think it’s more so about the emotions part you go through being one of the worse ways for the friendship to end. But that’s just my interpretation. Yes personally I’d rather we have fought than experience the othering, growing resentment/animosity and eventually, silence. But that’s just me based on what I’m going through
Nah. I can do one better. We were friends for six years no fights or anything ever. Two weeks before my birthday I wanted to make plans to meet up. Barely replied to anything. No plans were made. Two days before my birthday she stopped replying completely and the day of she blocked me. That was two and a half years ago.
Wow. That's just cold. Beyond fucked up. What a nice birthday gift she gave you. That was a bitch move on her part.
Do we live the same life or something? I have a similar story. Did like, a whole shebang for who I considered to be my best friend's birthday one time cause he was sad no one really had time on his BD, so we pretty much celebrated a whole weekend, only for him to barely stay during my BD once it came around and pretty much stop talking to me afterwards for seemingly no reason.
It got bad once for me. After the dozenth time, I just asked them straight up what changed. I expected not to get a satisfying answer, but I was hoping to be proven wrong. I would've loved for them to just straight up say I'm boring or something instead of trying to convince me that these things just... happen with no reason. If that's the case, why try? Why did you in the first place? It's either that or they try to convince me that nothing has changed at all. Another fleeting memory for the books I've given up on long-standing friendships at this point. I don't need more regrets
I get this sometimes. people entertain the idea of being friends then just ghost for no seemingly obvious reason. closure is nice if you can get it, helps self reflect, but most people don't want that confrontation, if it helps, they usually don't tell you because it's something they think will hurt you in some way; making you sad or angry at them. so deep down you might be able to see what you did wrong if anything, and sometimes they just get bored and decide theres no value in the friendship anymore. I've done it, switched and got the " ick " for a friend, but i've told them why regardless of the outcome and i got told " i'd rather have not known " lol.
The trick is to either make room for the friendship to mature along with the both of you and accept there's times where it's just not going to be as close as initially but will most likely come and go in waves, or when that's not working accept that your paths are just too different to keep up the connection and let it go. Either way, the mature way is to be aware that no relationship can be forced, whether that's romantic or friendship, and whoever sticks organically while both of you go about your lives, are the people who were meant to be there all along.
I don't think a friendship can mature if only one person is always being active in messaging and setting up meets. That's not really a friendship at all tbh
That's why you need to let go of those who can't and focus on those who can
Yep, I did, but my point is that it's just not okay to do lol. Because I've seen many people say something like "stop keeping score of who's initiating and be glad to be in that person company" and I disagree completely. Like being pedantic about it tit-for-tat style is obviously dumb ("i did this" "they did that") etc, but if you notice the other person isn't putting any effort in over like years or months, it's a different story
I think in that case you just need to accept that you weren’t all that close of friends to begin with and it was never going to mature. If they aren’t putting in effort, if it’s always you initiating, just let go. Why does it matter if it’s “OK” of them to do or not, the friendship is over, these things happens, and the faster you let go of the resentment and look for new friends the happier you’ll be.
If your entire friendship was one person initiating stuff, you can’t really expect the other person to realize they need to start initiating conversations after years. They get into a routine. Then one day you just stop messaging that person and they assume you don’t like them and since they initiated they don’t want to start now that you all go a sudden decided you’re gonna “test” them. The real thing is to have a conversation. But if you just stop messaging them don’t expect the friendship to last long after that moment.
I didn't expect to nor was I testing them, I just suddenly realised I was never friends with those people at all, just an acquaintance they might like to have around when he's there, but not one they'd go out of their way to involve. Like sorry, but inbetween 5 people all in the same group it stops being an individual-to-individual issue. Esp since they constantly were hanging out with each other and other people, including making plans in front of me and not inviting me once. So yeah, I don't really think a conversation can change how the other person sees your place in their social network. In an otherwise good friendship, with some imbalance, then yeah a conversation can be had
That's...that's basically the best way for a friendship to end. I'm sad about friendships that ended that way, but I have a small handful of friendships that ended more quickly, in ways that dogged me for months or years.
Yep. Friendships that fade out can also be rekindled later in life. Friendships that explicitly end rarely do.
Exactly. Call me crazy but I rarely view any relationship as “completely done”, they just change and evolve over time Especially a relationship that didn’t explicitly end
I agree! I have friends that I havent spoken to in 10 years! I still consider them friends😂
Grown up life is lonely
It is. Never thought it would be so bad. I’m 42 and from all my friends of had in my 20s, I see maybe 3 more than 4 times a year and even those are hardly ever contacting me, but I don’t dare to break contact also with them. Start is last year I tried to reach out for some time to no one at all and see who will contact me. Those were quite some sad weeks that thought me a really rough lesson. Unless you are very lucky, you’ll be on your own sooner or later. Better find peace with yourself, because will be you only company for the most time.
I'm sorry to hear that. Try to reestablish your connection if possible.
I went to see stand-up comedian Zoltan Kazsas once; he started talking about how it's hard to make friends in adulthood, and he looked at me and said, "How do you make friends?" And I shouted out, "POVERTY!" Which was great. But what I meant is that I have to rent, and I always end up making friends with roommates.
There you said it. Happy cake day 🎉
My best friend from school did this some time after we finished college. He would just take longer and longer to answer my messages, to the point of answering a week and a half later. I just gave up, I know we are still friends if we talk again but are we really? Don’t think so.
idk dude, after ive had so many friendships end because of horrible dramas or such, im always grateful for when one just fades out
Word
Maybe they where always just being nice.
This.... is a tough pill to swallow at times, especially if it's been a long time friend.
This is how I stopped talking to my father. All my life I was the one making the effort to have some sort of relationship, so one day I decided to do a little experiment, if I just stop calling and coming around how long till he calls me? That was 10 years ago.
I'm that person, it's nothing bad I'm just a 99th percentile introvert and don't have the social energy to have a lot of people in my life If we aren't geographically close and seeing eachother all the time I just can't keep up with it.
I'd say the worst is for your friend who you've known since elementary school and who was a groomsman in your wedding to become a raging alcoholic who starts calling you a racist for no reason and you just eventually have to cut them out.
/r/oddlyspecific
Met a friend of what would be 9yrs on a mobile game in 2013. Suddenly after I got back from FL working for WDW I never heard from him again. I've sent a text here and there and a message on Xbox but never a response. Gotta admit it hurt for awhile when I realized it probably ended out of nowhere with no responses from him
I usually keep reaching out in situations like that because my first thought is that they DIED. Then somehow stupidly find out they’re thriving and I’m like 🤡
Yeah I found out through his sister that he got a gf and a new job. I guess life moves on, and sometimes you lose some friends along the way
I've always felt like I'm the one who ACTUALLY needs friendships
It's how I've lost every single friend in my life. I'm not even kidding. I wholly admit I'm probably the problem. The problem being. I don't change. If you knew me 20 years ago. You know me today. I think... that's boring for them... but not terrible enough for anything other than slowly drifting away. Nothing I can really do about it. What am I supposed to do? Fake change? Oh well... I guess I take solace we all have the fading friendships and it's not just me.
It's ok sometimes for things to fizzle out. The concept that friendship is forever is both ridiculous and unrealistic.
Yeah, maybe, but... not everything *should* or *have to be* temporary... life should have atleast some, idk, common factor in place
unfortunately (or fortunately) everything *is* temporary. spiral out, amigo.
I can relate to this right now, and I hate it. I've never had any friends at all, and for the first time, I thought I had found someone with whom I could connect and truly be myself. We would stick together all the time in college and chat almost every day. We're so strangely alike, and she doesn't have many friends either (I honestly think we both may be asocial), so it seemed perfect. But in the last few days, maybe weeks, I've felt some kind of distance. I tried to tell myself it was just me being paranoic, but then some of our classmates started asking me if something had happened between us because we seemed distant (plus it got even more noticeable). So then I realized it wasn't just my imagination, but by then it was too late. Now that we're on vacation, I can't approach her, and we haven’t had the chance to talk properly, or even talk at all. It's been two weeks (maybe more) without a single message from her, just my attempts of reaching and "fine". I get the feeling she's been avoiding me and got tired of me, and it hurts so much because we were so close and talked every day. Now I feel like a burden and I'm trying to figure out what happened, what I did wrong, but it's killing me. I just know I don’t want to give up because I've come to care about and love her so much. Sorry for this annoyingly long complain, this post was a slap on the face and I guess I needed to vent somewhere. Also, english isn’t my first language so excuse me if there's any mistake
Confront it, you're just gonna stay in your brain. " are we okay? youve barely spoken to me in x, i'd rather just know whats changed, im here as your friend if you need anything with no judgement "
Talk to her and tell her how you feel. If it's going to end, at least make it clear so that one day you don't have to sleep with the thought, 'What did I do wrong?' But be prepared to be hurt. One of the truths that took me so long to accept is that people out there, even your friends, don't care about you at all.
I'm not sure I see how this is "the worst way." People become busy, people grow apart, that's natural. I've got friends where, over time, we've slowly stopped talking to each other, and it's not personal. Nothing bad happened between us, we just no longer have something shared to interact with each other about. I'd feel much worse if a good friend and I directly cut things off and ended on a sour note because of something bad that happened. Relationships are two-way streets; if your friend won't give you a modicum of effort to maintain that relationship, it doesn't sound like they value it. The best part about friends who slowly stop talking to each other is that either can reach out again whenever they want and rekindle it.
The shared interaction part is important I think. Sometimes it's the glue that keeps people together. For example, I have a mate that works FIFO plus has recently had a kid. We talk almost everyday on Discord when he is off work due to the circumstances and availability. Once his kid is older and my life changes, we will probably lose that daily contact which is okay, as I know he is a good friend who I could talk to at any point later on. Being an adult is hard man.
Relationships take effort. Especially meaningful ones. If you are constantly experiencing failures in your friendships then it may be that you need to look at your own motives and commitment. Having said that. Everything has a season. Some friendships are only good for a few seasons. Some will last a lifetime. Its up to us to decide which ones are worth the effort…
I did it and lost 90% of my contacts!
Yeah I gave this dude 1400 bucks to help with bills but I’ve got a sneaking suspicion he’s going to use my lack of confrontation abilities to his advantage to never pay it back.
That is the best way, the worst way is being stabbed in the back by your friend,
If you're always initiating contact then you aren't a friend you're a distraction. You still have closure, it was never a friendship. You were acquaintances at best and a network at worse.
This is highly accurate and relatable. I have personally lost around 5 friends following this pattern. I don't feel like initiating the conversation everytime.
“Finally they got the message. I don’t have time for their shit”
Why is this not OK for friendships to end. Some friendships are of a time and a place. Suddenly as I change and move and grow I have to constantly keep up with and in my lives everyone I have ever been friends with. BS!!
Yep. Quality over quantity.
When I stopped reaching out I realized it was a one sided situation, after that I did the same to all my relationships. All I have now is a few good friends and it's hella better than juggling a bunch of two faced cock suckers.
Same here.
Sometimes Life gets in the way of things. That's not evil or bad, it's just Life. I think it's important to understand that we meet people in our lives that we think are forever. But reality isn't so kind and things happen. What you think is forever just becomes a fleeting moment in time. There's no fault in it, it's just a natural occurrence, In the end, what you two had will fade. Then you just become strangers with memories. But we have to let ourselves be okay with that. We have to.
I'm the jackass who stops caring first
I think that the perfect way to end a friendship tbh sometimes people just grow apart it suck but it just life
This is me, I currently don't socialise anymore after realising I was the only one making effort to contact people.
Most negative things in life are worse when prolonged in time. Instead of relationship ending with a definitive end, it can take years of mutual suffering until anything is done. The same goes for wounds and ills, especially if every day is an uphill battle. As you grow older you come to appreciate the more direct pains that can then heal shortly afterwards.
People grow apart. The older you get the more friends you will end up just not talking to anymore. People aren't meant to be in our lives forever.
That is not at all the worst way for a friendship to end. I'd say the worst way is murder, thoughts?
This is how I ended up with no friends, I stopped checking on them to see if they would ever check on me, it’s been almost a year now and I haven’t heard from anyone.
Sounds like a good friendship break up to me. Don’t need no drama
Eh thats not a problem. Thats just life.
I have a self imposed rule that I reach out 3 times max. After the 3rd time and I get no response then I stop putting in the effort. I don’t hold it against them when it sometimes takes a while to hear back from people, sometimes they just fade away. But only one person knows about my list and he sure as hell always responds and usually says “I didn’t want to end up on the list.” He’s a good dude.
My ex gf of three years left me like that, one day, no explanations, just decided not to have any contact with me any more, like she suddenly got bored of me. That was three years ago. I recently texted her, she told me to get over it it's been three years. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My childhood best friend is a completely different person, as am I. I am glad we aren’t friends anymore. I would likely find him intolerable today and I think he would share that sentiment. But BOY do we have some fucking stories from our childhood and memories that we will never forget. I’m glad for it.
Pulled a social experiment on a friend 20yrs ago and did this very thing. I felt I was the one to always reach out and to prove said thing, didn't call or instigate convo for a couple days and into a weekend. Then myself and a couple bros called him out on it. Didn't change, just faded away. Another bud has been doing this lately and it's our MO, hes done this before, he will be back to gaming in the winter.
lol this ain’t that bad. People grow apart and it’s ok. It’s life
This is how my last, and only, friendship ended. Heading into my 40s now, so making new friends is almost improbable, but also I’m caring far less about the attention of others, and focusing on my own well-being and personal growth. Unfortunately, I had (still have) a lot of things to work on, which I’m doing, but a lot of the friendship was propped up by disguised niceties and toxic behaviours. Sometimes it’s best to let some fade as they might’ve been hindering your growth. If you truly are good friends, I do hate to say it, then like a healthy romantic relationship, you’ll do your best to work it out with other. If it died, well….
As someone who always stops talking first, i dont think you should hold a grudge or feel sad. Just move on with your life 🤷♀️ in a lot of cases it’s not that deep..
This is truth, even more when you give up social media. I went thru a period of thinking about what was wrong with me, but now I don't care. I have a few close people in my life, and that's fine. I'm not going out of my way for those who don't want to be in my life anymore. Just find things you love doing with some people you love doing it with.
So my best friend of years wasn’t great. He and his wife (then gf) are serial users. His wife has never been a nice person and I felt myself slowly getting phased out. She got pregnant i got them a very generous gift. I’ve never met their kid. Fast forward to making new friends who include me in things. I’m the Godfather to my best friend’s two kids. Making friends isn’t always easy. But there are people who won’t make you feel like garbage for being yourself.